I don't know how you would wrap this one...

Dear Santa,
I know this is kind of last minute and I've already published my Christmas List earlier, but that was in November for Christ's sake...sorry. I mean, I think that I deserve a do-over.

I finally know what I want for Christmas. And I think that it's something that maybe you can help with, but if not, at least I tried asking.

All I want for Christmas is my confidence back. I realized that I'm missing this again and it sucks. I'm not talking about my usual confidence and sarcastic semi-bravado that I still have; I mean the zen-like, "I can do and say whatever I want to and get away with it and I'm gonna draw you to me and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm that fucking charming" confidence that I had a few months ago.

I miss that. It was great. Everything just kind of rolled off my back and I took everything in stride and people really gravitated towards me.

And I want it back.

So, Santa; that's all I want for Christmas this year. And I want a lifetime supply of it too. You may as well go all out this year and I'll take care of the rest. Trust me.

I'll leave beer and snacks tonight.
Thanks,

D

What is thy bidding, my master?

I wasted a good 30 minutes or so at the Virtual Bar hangin' out with the girls, and I think the only drink I ordered was a beer. Use your imagination.

D

I should just do like Jimmy The Geek and simulate them all on NCAA 2006

Well, I do this every year on paper and in the privacy of home so that no one but me can see how utterly crappy my picks are. But, I figured you guys already know what a retard I am; so publicly posting these won't change your perceptions of me very much.

My picks are in blue.
Any crappy commentary is below that.

GMAC
UTEP (8-3) vs. Toledo (8-3)
Mike Tice is taking the Miners to another bowl game, but I haven't seen them play this year and I have seen Toledo play pretty well on TV.

Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas
BYU (6-5) vs. California (7-4)
I never pick the stormin' Mormons. Golden Bears it is.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State (6-5) vs. Navy (7-4)
Gotta pull for former Georgia Southern coach, Paul Johnson.

Fort Worth
Kansas (6-5) vs. Houston (6-5)
I don't know jack about either program this year. First instinct was for Houston, but then I changed to Kansas because I haven't picked a team on the left side yet, but then changed my mind back to the Cougars because you should always go with your first choice, right? So, Jayhawks it is. I bet this one comes back to bite me in the ass.

Sheraton Hawaii
Nevada (8-3) vs. UCF (8-4)
George O'Leary taking UCF to a bowl game after last year's 0-11 season? Shit yeah, pull for them. Might as well pick them too.

Motor City
Memphis (6-5) vs. Akron (7-5)
Come on, people! It's the Zips!

Champs Sports
Clemson (7-4) vs. Colorado (7-5)
I just flipped a coin and it landed on its edge...so, um, Colorado to try and salvage the season after stumbling at the end and firing Rick Neuhiesel?

Insight
Arizona State (6-5) vs. Rutgers (7-4)
I don't care if Rutgers is feeling great for getting in a bowl game. That aint enough to beat the Sun Devils.

MPC Computers
Boise State (9-3) vs. Boston College (8-3)
I like the Broncos and all, but I think I have to give this to ACC battle-tested Boston College instead.

MasterCard Alamo
Michigan (7-4) vs. Nebraska (7-4)
I think this is the first time that the Alamo Bowl has had 2 historically good programs in it at the same time. Too bad they both suck this year. I guess I think the Wolverines suck a little less this year.

Emerald Bowl
Georgia Tech (7-4) vs. Utah (6-5)
Screw Tech. Go Heels!

Pacific Life Holiday
Oregon (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (7-4)
I'm sorry but I'm picking Oregon just out of my love for any team with a duck as the mascot. The fact that they finished 2nd in the PAC 10 doesn't hurt. And I don't like Oklahoma (sorry JR).

Gaylord Hotels Music City
Minnesota (7-4) vs. Virginia (6-5)
Not sure what happened to the Golden Gophers after the great start they had, but I'll give them the nod in this one. Oh, and: Heh heh.."Gaylord"

Vitalis Sun
Northwestern (7-4) vs. UCLA (9-2)
Whatever. The Bruins having both a male and female mascot running around the sidelines at games almost cost them this one. But one of the Josie mascots is kinda cute. Joe & Josie Bruin it is.

Independence
South Carolina (7-4) vs. Missouri (6-5)
Spurrier got his 'Cocks to beat Florida and Tennessee this season and a bowl game? Sure, stick with 'em.

Chick-fil-A Peach
Miami (9-2) vs. LSU (10-2)
This game's almost win-win just for the match up. But LSU couldn't do me the favor of beating UGAy for SEC title, so screw the Bayou Bengals.

Meineke Car Care
South Florida (6-5) vs. NC State (6-5)
*yawn* Wha? Huh?

AutoZone Liberty
Tulsa (8-4) vs. Fresno State (8-4)
This is the Bulldog team that took Southern Cal to the limit earlier...and then lost to Nevada and La. Tech. I guess it just depends on which team decides to show up.

EV1.net Houston
TCU (10-1) vs. Iowa State (7-4)
TCU is 10-1. Good enough for me, 'cause I don't really care.

AT&T Cotton
Texas Tech (9-2) vs. Alabama (9-2)
Jesus! How many freakin' bowl games are there? I'm still picking these damned things? You're still reading this? Well, I'll make Michael happy and say "Roll Tide!"

Outback
Iowa (7-4) vs. Florida (8-3)
What the Hell is a Hawkeye? A bird? An eye? A bird's eye? I know that Hawkeye is an Avenger, but this isn't Clint Barton. *chomp* *chomp*

Toyota Gator
Louisville (9-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)
Ooooooooooh. This ought to be good 'un. A real shoot out if things go well. I'll make Kelley happy with this one and pick the "there's actually no such things as" Hokies.

Capital One
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Auburn (9-2)
I'm sorry, but I appear to have left my "give a damn" in the car. 2 kind of disappointing teams this year really. Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers. Tigers? Yeah, we need them.

Tostitos Fiesta
Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2)
Please, please, please, God let the Irish win. Mostly so I can rub it in my dad's face because I know he's going to pick those stupid nuts.

Nokia Sugar
West Virginia (10-1) vs. Georgia (10-2)
I will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER pick UGAy to win anything. If it took them winning to keep me alive, I'd die a happy man knowing that I screwed them over.

FedEx Orange
Penn State (10-1) vs. Florida State (8-4)
Let's finish off JoePa's semi-miraculous season with a BCS Bowl Game win, shall we?

The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
USC (12-0) vs. Texas (12-0)
For the love of God, please let Mack Brown have made a deal with the Devil to finally have his Longhorns be the team to shut Nick Lachey and the rest of the poser USC fans the Hell up! I bet Vince Young wouldn't give two shits about not winning the Heisman if he wins a BCS Championship (notice I didn't put National Championship).

Wow. That took forever. Now I know why I don't do football picks normally. 'Cause I suck at them and despite my urge to waste my time and yours, that was just waaaay too much time that I spent on this post. Hopefully it will at least pay off. Guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks when I total up all my losses.

D

I bet he didn't even feel it.

Geez, Louise. This guy would have given Liquid Courage a run for his money.

D

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Everyone has their "Christmas movie." The one they watch every year at or around Christmas (or "the holidays", to be PC).

Mine is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

There's just no beating Clark W. Griswald going balls out to celebrate Christmas.

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. "- Clark

D

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."

Here's a quick question:
Can you consider Die Hard a Christmas movie?

• It takes place during the Christmas season.
• They're having the company party up in the Nakatomi tower.
• There's a The Night Before Christmas reference: "All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation."

While we're at it, how about Die Hard 2?
"Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a fuckin' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can."

Granted, they're not your standard Christmas movies (A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Scrooged, etc...), but they could be considered Christmas movies. Or at least men's Christmas movies.

D

I want YOU!!!

To join the Chuck Norris Fan Club!!

Well...there really isn't an official Chuck Norris Fan Club per se. But every time I see Chuck, I feel a little scared. Like I should join his Fan Club or receive a roundhouse kick as punishment.

Come to think of it, that might also be the initiation for the Club too. Maybe that's why there's no Fan Club. Everyone who's joined went through Chuck's initiation of a roundhouse kick and is now dead.

Chuck only wants the toughest of the tough to be in his Fan Club, his "Delta Force". A good roundhouse kick weeds out all the pansies and keeps the weak out of his Official Fan Club.

So until Chuck can find those tough enough to handle a roundhouse kick from him, Chuck will continue to be "A Force of One" in his own Fan Club.

D

----------------------------------------------
Join the Official Chuck Norris Fan Club (and survive) and receive the following great gifts (that will be delivered to your hospital room):

A vintage Chuck Norris Karate Kommando action figure

A personalized autograph from Chuck (Chuck demands you change your name to "John" if it isn't already. If it is already "John", change it to "Chuck" and then back to "John" before Chuck roundhouse kicks you for trying to change your name to "Chuck" to be like Chuck.)

A nifty ChuckNorris.com t-shirt (available only in "L" because that's what size Chuck is and no one is bigger than Chuck.)

(Insert chirping crickets here)

UGH! GRRR! ARGH! ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS FRUSTRATION!!!!

I'm having writer's block. Well, since I'm not really much of a writer, I guess it's more like "blogger's speedbump" or something.

I've had a tremendously hard time coming up with anything to write (so has LC for that matter). I've made several attempts on all the blogs, and pretty much scrapped them all. I tried like 4 different times to put up one post about internet shopping over on The Nerduary to no avail. And here? All I have is this lame-ass attempt to try and overcome my lame-ass blogger's speedbump.

Sooooo...here's a funny blog that someone beat me to making about Word Verification words.

D

It's like I don't even have to watch TV anymore...

But that's just crazy talk, people. Crazy I tell you. Besides, I think we all know that if I stopped watching TV, that it would cause some sort of space/time anomaly and destroy the entire universe.

Never the less, I stumbled onto a site that I'm shocked (shocked!) I never found before: TV.com.

How is it that this little gem of the internet stayed under my radar for so long? It's absurd the amount of time that I've spent on the internet and not found it before. I meant the fact that I haven't found it before is absurd, not the amount of time I've spent on the internet. That's just impressive really.

D
(still shocked)

Frivolous spending to recapture part of my childhood... or just cause havoc.

I just decided to buy a lunchbox. For no real or apparent reason. I just kind of want one again. Maybe I can pack little snacks or something in it for work. And leave myself little notes of inspiration to get me through the day:

Chin up, Tiger! Your day will come. Have the bestest day ever!
:)
Love,
D.

Whenever the school year rolls around in August I always say I'm gonna get one, but I always end up putting it off. That's why I should probably go ahead and get one now while I'm thinking about it.

Of course I've only been here for a few months and I don't know how the others would handle seeing me walk in with a lunch box. They'd either think I was retarded or looking for a fight. But it might be worth the whole thing just for the first day's reactions. Hmmmm.....

I remember having this one when I was 8.

D

Because you never get a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression...

Well, unless you're meeting me for the first time while I'm drinking. Yeah, 'cause I'm probably not gonna remember a whole lot of it, if anything at all really.

My lapses in memory have been pretty well documented on here over the past few months. Really that's 3/4 of the interesting stuff that I've put on here for y'all. Everything else is just kind of filler until I can do something "petarded" and put it up here for you.

Some might even tell me "I'm not gonna lie to you. You may have a problem." I mean, they might tell me again anyways. Others might tell me I should cut back because having my brain shut off and stop recording just isn't all that great for me. Which may be true. But it seems to be good for all of you. So far I haven't hurt anyone (or more importantly myself), gotten arrested, woken up next to a dead hooker, been excommunicated from the group or been charged for anything that would be considered as "treasonous." So far anyway.

Being unable to segue well into my story from this weekend, I'll just get right to it:

So I actually got to talk to The Princess Hiker on Friday night. And in order for me to actually get you the idea of what may have happened or how that conversation went, I need to relay the brief exchange I had with Scott the next day:

**After a little opening small talk**
Derek: "What in the Hell made you think it was a good idea to put a disaster like me on the phone with Alison last night?!?!"
Scott: "Hahahhahaha..... Well, it seemed like it was gonna be funny. And it was."
Derek: "Aw, shit. What happened?"
Scott: "Nothing. You were good."
Derek: "You sure?"
Scott: "Yeah. You're fine."
Derek: "K. Good."


And really, it's my opening line that really explains everything. I mean there's several things I should not be allowed to operate when I'm drinking: a firearm, an automobile, an email/blog account, and a phone. I used 2 of those Friday night. And thank God kept from using a 3rd.

So let me just go ahead and apologize to The Princess for anything that I may have said or done while on the phone. Well, except for anything that I said about Duke. I stand firm on whatever I said about them.

Somehow I get the feeling that this may be held over my head for a while. Man, I have a lot of stuff hanging up there...

D

Oh you're gonna hate me...

It's Friday. And that's a good thing. Now being slightly hungover (as I am) is a bad thing. So what do you need to help allieviate that problem? Food and something humerous. I'm going to attempt to provide you with the humerous portion. And you may end up hating me for it.

If you can remember anything from The Muppet Show and you're slighty off balance personality-wise, then chances are that you remember the Mahna Mahna Song. Maybe because it's regarded by some as the "best ever Muppet sketch." And I agree. Because it is, and I am slighty off balance personality-wise.

So if you've never seen or heard it before... what the Hell is wrong with you???
Watch it now. Or just listen to it. You can thank me later.

And yes, this has been stuck in my head ever since I infected everyone with it last Saturday. I just figured I'd do it on a larger scale today.

D

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...

Alright, I finally got around to installing a freakin' traffic counter on here. And I helped out that drunk Liquid Courage too while I was at it. Now we can watch them tick higher and higher ever so slowly.

So I guess if you can help us out and drive a little traffic on here and there we'd both appreciate it.

Thanks to Scott for letting me know about the counter he uses.

D

Let eHarmony help you begin the journey to your soul mate today...then we'll take your soul!

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the Devil.

Well, not really. But he’s kind of like a drug dealer hanging around always trying to “hook you up”. Well, maybe more like the guy you know who’s a real ass and always tells you “I told you so. You should’ve listened to me.”

About a year back I was bored at work and decided to fill out eHarmony’s “most specific and really awesome nothing’s better than this” personality survey. You know, just for shits and giggles. Damned thing took forever.

What did I discover about myself after taking it? Same damned crap I already knew and could have found out in a 2 minute “which kind of…” internet survey I usually take when I find one.

But that’s what good, old Neil Clark wanted. He had me in his database now. Now he had the ability to screw with me whenever he wanted. And boy did he want to…

First I got the obligatory “Thanks for filling out the personality test, go ahead and sign up” email. Sorry, just not into paying anymore than I have to in order to date someone. I’m perfectly capable of finding girls who don’t want me on my own AND free of charge.

Then I didn’t hear anything for a while. Not until I started dating someone. Just about a week or so into it Neil Clark sent me an email with a match they had found here in the ‘Boro. Huh. That’s kind of cool. But I ignored it (and apparently so did she when I later got curious and she had declined.) because I was already courting someone. Well, we all know how that one turned out. The relationship ended, but it seemed one of the first people to try and console me was Neil Clark. Not kidding. It seemed right afterwards I got another email for me to subscribe to eHarmony and find my perfect match. Ummm, creepy. Thanks, but I’ll pass.

A couple months go by and I’m still swimming in the Singles’ pool. Then I get another “Hey! You haven’t signed up for eHarmony’s super deluxe and awesomely great package deal!” No shit. Once again, not going to pay for it. Right after that I start talking to the most recent “not gonna be with me for long.” Things go well for a time, but I get a “You sure you don’t wanna sign up?” email. Yeah, I’m sure. I got this one, thanks Neil Clark.

Well…again, I think we all know how that turned out. And who was the first one to come a running to be there for me? Fucking A, it was that son of a bitch Dr. Neil Clark Warren. He knew! He knew and he’s teasing me. Or punishing me. Some kind of mental torture to fuck with me until I completely break and sign up.

So maybe I should. Apparently he’s good enough to know how to get to me and screw with my head. Maybe he’s that damned good and can actually match me up with my soul mate or whatever. I could be just like Christy and Mike who married May 14, 2005. Maybe I should just give in and finally join his growing cadre of eHarmony matches.

Or maybe I should just hit “unsubscribe” at the bottom of the emails he keeps sending me. But that might just piss him off and he’ll start calling me personally. OR maybe he’ll show up at my doorstep, punch me in the face, force me to sign up or he rips off a testicle and shove me into some random girl: “Derek this is Jenny. Jenny this is Derek. You’re both a match. Get married now! I am your god now!!!!!”

…………Seriously, he’s freaking me out. For now I’m just gonna ignore and delete the emails. But if this happens again, I’m gonna lose it and just give in.

D

You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.

Wow. I don't know if I've ever actually met anyone who didn't have any apparent social skills. I mean socially inept. Especially when it comes to women. Not that I am a Don Juan or Valentino by any stretch of the imagination, but I am damned close compared to this guy. I actually haven't even met this guy really. You see, he's sitting in the computer lab outside my new, tiny office.

Let's start with the lab first. Most of the time it's pretty quiet out there, especially in the afternoon when there aren't many classes. Go figure. But in the mornings, some of the guys in the early classes will come in to wait until class starts and then wait in between classes. Ok, no problem. It's the conversations that these guys have that fascinate me. Not that they're bad or stupid or anything, quite the opposite actually. I like listening to them because they're funny and I can follow them most of the time.

And the guys themselves are fine. They're good, normal guys. Except 1. We'll call him Steve. Holy crap, Steve makes Rain Man look like George Clooney. It seems that every day the conversation devolves into Sex Ed for the benefit of poor Steve. Not just for fun or anything. It's been hard not to listen to these conversations because they are genuinely having to explain a lot of things to Steve. Just a minute ago I heard "Ok. Let's review. How do you put on the condom again?" Swear to God.

10 minutes ago they were trying to explain how a date is not supposed to be looked at as an investment. And how he shouldn't freak out about paying for the girl on the date because she's not supposed to pay for anything. A very small, bitter part of me wanted to agree with Steve though.

They even asked him "Steve, you went to high school, right?" He said yes, but that must have been the biggest school ever for him to have never picked anything up even from just watching everyone else.

Any-hoo. Just lost my train of thought due to a phone call. So to summarize, there are socially inept people out there, not unlike Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love. I just haven't figured out if they're a gem you should keep an eye out for (humor & curiosity reasons only) or just flat out avoid.

D

I guess she was only signed for a couple of episodes...

So, "Screw Big, Dumb American" apparently just had it's Holiday Special. And I bet it was a doozy too. Like a really good plot twist that you don't expect on your favorite show, it just hits you and keeps the audience clamoring for more.

The latest twist/gimmick/screw-job for my life's show? I got dumped. Well, dumped is a harsh word really. It wasn't on bad terms or anything, it was just long distance relationships and I apparently don't go together. I apparently do not warrant the kind of special effort it takes for someone to maintain a long distance relationship with me. Silly me for thinking so highly of myself.

But this post is not for pouting, no just to inform. I pouted enough this weekend. I gave myself the whole weekend to sulk, pout, doubt myself and drink all I wanted so that I can try to get back on track this week.

And drink I did. 2 cases in 2 days means I met my objective. Scott summarized Friday night for me with "I heard you put on a level 5 drunk last night." Yeah, I guess I did. We worked it up to, what, 10 big beers? That's roughly 30 beers? I got off the phone and headed straight to the bar looking to get drunk. And I found drunk along with hammered, sloshed, wasted, pissed, and a host of others. ....And I sang Cake's rendition of "I will survive."

Saturday continued the drowning of the sorrows (sort of). It was really more of "I still feel like getting hammered, but I'm not so sad." That was to the tune of 18 (?) beers. Sunday was a mild mannered night with only the last 6 I had left from the night before.

So that's that. Another rating's boost for the show. Another night that'll be placed in my personal "Drinking Hall of Fame". Another girl who'll never wake up one day and realize she made the biggest mistake of her life. Another entry for the blog. This one may carry over to good, old LC for comedic reasons.

And it sucks about all the shit you lose when you stop dating someone. Everything seems to be a reminder: TV shows, movies, songs, they way I fold the paper covering for my straws. Everything. And...wait a second...was I a rebound? Shit. Oh well, whatever. What's done is done.

Please, no "I'm sorry", "Plenty of fish in the sea", "It happened for a reason" and all that jazz. Gotten enough of those lately. But thanks for any warm sentiments felt in my general direction.

D

Singing (badly) and some drunk text messaging was as far I was gonna take it. There's no way Liz would have let me go that far.

It's about time!

The Canadians are finally starting to repay the world for Celine Dion:
http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/story.html?id=f29238a6-88a8-41c7-a3a8-58a7562cf0da&k=36000

So, I should be good for a while then.
"Cancer free 'til 3003!"

D