I'm gonna be a daddy!!

Well, not really. But this is pretty much a creepy (and also possible) look into the future.

Chris was convinced after seeing the 40 Year Old Virgin, that if they ever made a movie about me or SBDA!, Seth Rogan would be the one to play me. And the first time I saw this trailer, the first thing I thought of was Chris just busting out laughing and saying something like "Holy crap! That's... that's pretty much you! Or at least what'll probably happen to you anyways. ...Sorry dude. But at least it'll be funny."

Knocked Up

And God help me... I think he's right.

D

Here's a club I can join

Finally got around to ordering Paranoid Social Club's self-titled CD.

I finally saw Beerfest the other day and "Wasted" was in the closing titles which reminded me that I needed to order the cd. I suppose if I had that laptop that I'm supposed to be ordering I could've gone and gotten it off itunes; but I don't have it yet, so I didn't.

A semi-keen aside: after I paid for the cd online, it let me download the whole thing onto the ol' puter and play it immediately. Well, I was supposed to be able to play it anyways. However there keeps being a licensing problem that's preventing me from playing them despite the fact that I already fucking paid for it. Godddamned DRM.

Guess I have to wait for the snail mail to get here then.

D

Vegas has me at 250:1 to actually finish

Lent is observed by the religious as a time to renew their faith by fasting and performing acts of penance during the observed and symbolic 40 days and nights that precede Easter and the resurrection of Christ.

Lent is also observed by jerkasses like me who’ve seen the Josh Hartnett movie 40 Days and 40 Nights way too many times, and every year toy with the idea of giving something up for a little over a month for no better reason than “just to see if I can.”

This year’s affront to the Catholic faith is such a doozy, that it deserves it’s own tagline in the vain of it’s founding inspiration:

“One man is about to do the unthinkable. No alcohol. Whatsoever. For... 40 Days and 40 Nights.”

That’s right, I’m thinking about going sober for the entirety of Lent.

*waiting for the laughter to subside*

Are you quite finished now? Good.

I know what you’re thinking: “Hahahaha…There’s absolutely no way you’ll pull this off. *snort* I mean, why didn’t you just go with chocolate or something a little less Odyssian like sex like in the movie? Heeheehee…”

To which I respond “I really don’t eat chocolate much anyways. And sex? Screw that! Booze is much easier for me to get. I’m not passing up sex! No way.”

But it’s not set in stone. I’ve still got until next Wednesday to make up my mind about if I really want to commit to the challenge. And even if I do take up the charge, it’s not like Jesus is gonna weep because I fell off the wagon again. Plus, if I want to, I can use my loopholes and observe the technicality that the 6 Sundays don’t count. Yeah that’s kinda cheating, but at the same time, perfectly within the rules.

But if you guys do start a pool on me like in the movie, let me know. I want in.

D

A Valentine for Nerds

D

Fine. Here’s your stupid Valentine’s card!

D

I think it, he says it.

It’s the grandest Hallmark Holiday of them all today. And in true anti-Valentine’s spirit, I present to you a “Name That” contest.

Name the show and character who said it and receive some sort of a classic Screw Big, Dumb American! type prize (and yes, I may even mail it to you if you’re one of my out of town readers).

“Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.”

Wow. That’s just one of those random quotes that you see or hear and it resonates with you. So much so that you end up tracking it down just to make sure that you remember it right and you start to obsess over it and begin an awkward journey of self-analysis that ends with you lying in a pool of despair/spilled beer, which only helps to further perpetuate your unwanted paranoia about Japanese people constantly watching you.

That or it’s just a good quote that I read too much into. I can never tell.

Name that show & character, win a prize!

D

I know we just got a Starbucks...

But when the hell are we gonna get one of these?!

Cowgirls Espresso

I'd drive all the way across town every freakin' day to get coffee or hot, green tea if it were served to me by one of Statesboro's many hotties dressed like this:

"Sir, I'm going to need you to either order or move along."

"I still giggle every time she asks if I want cream."

"The restraining order keeps me from proposing any more..."

Guess I have to be proactive on this one. I think I'm gonna try and be a franchisee.

D

credit Paul for the head's up on this.

Can I get a spot over here?

After much consideration and several talks with Merritt about the CPAT (Candidate Physical Ability Test), I've decided to join a gym.

I've really gotta start prepping for some of the things I'll be required to do if I pass the written portion and get selected for the CPAT. A lot of that stuff will require some serious strength training and I also need to get on a first name basis with a StairMaster ("Hi, I'm D. You must be Death. Nice to meet you.").

The good news is that I don't think I need to do anything all that different from what I usually do at the gym, aside from the stairs. All the prep and training guides are showing pretty much exercise for exercise exactly what my previous routine was. All I gotta do is just start back on it.

So today, I'll go running and see how much my week off from being sick has screwed me; and tomorrow, I'll swing by 180 Fitness and see about a tour and possible trial membership before jumping in all the way. I think I can get a discounted rate as a government employee too. Although I know that no matter how much I do pay, I'll still probably use the hell out of the gym just because I am paying for it and I refuse to waste money that way.

D

Succinctly put...

Duke sucks!

D

The Sickening

Sorry about the lack of posts. I’ve been quasi-deathly ill.

Meant to play hooky on Monday after the Super Bowl, but woke up to find that the show had decided to actually go ahead and make me sick as a punishment for my insubordination.

No problemo I thought. Just a little cough and a stuffy nose, nothing major. 8 hours later and I’m freezing my balls off despite having every blanket and comforter that I can find on me. Must be a fever. Not good.

Tuesday morning comes and I can barely stand up, and when I do I’m weaving all over the place like, well, like me after way too many big beers. Add to that that my entire body is fatigued, sore as hell, still freezing, and I constantly wanna hurl; and I think it’s the flu.

So back to bed I go. Until about 6:45 that night. I spent roughly 20 hours in bed from Monday night to Tuesday night and that just about did the trick. Was back at work yesterday, although feeling pretty shitty and only because I really had to be; and today I feel about a hundred time better.

Still have a little congestion though, but hopefully it’s nothing I can’t kick out pretty quickly.

So there ya go. I was sick and I never actually played hooky. Don’t know if that evens me out karma-wise or not…

D

The "D" stands for "D'oh!"

Now I’m usually the first one to say that I’m a jackass; and quite often for many, many different reasons. This time it’s because I did something stupid at work. Go figure.

Savannah is taking applications for firefighter trainees again, and one of the required items to be submitted is a college transcript if applicable. It is for me, so I faxed in a request to the University for an official copy of my transcripts yesterday.

The trouble is that the first fax machine I used sucks and didn’t look like it went through. I waited around for a few minutes to see if a confirmation/error page would come back. Nothing did, so I figured that it didn’t work and there wouldn’t even be a confirmation/error page. So I went and used another machine that cranked one out quickly.

In all my rush to start gathering information, I forgot to go check one last time on that first machine. Lo and behold this morning when I walk in, sitting on my desk is the error report from the first machine.

Now this really wouldn’t be that big a deal if it weren’t for the portion of the request that I voluntarily filled out: “Reason for Transcript”. I went and checked “other” with “Job Application” written in the blank provided.

Sigh. I’m a jackass.

Hopefully, whoever put that on my desk didn’t look past the name and didn’t see my jackassedness openly acknowledging my covert job search. It probably doesn’t really matter all that much though, as I’m pretty damned sure that my boss knows what I’m up to, he’s just not saying anything. It’s one of those “You don’t know that I know that you know I know, you know?” situations I guess.

I’m sure if there’s any gossip or rumors flying around that they’ll inevitably get back to me at some point soon. And while I would normally use a tried and true favorite quote of “What’re they gonna do? Fire me?”, with all the changes being made around here, they just might. So this time I’ll do what I rarely do: tone down the brash cockiness, play it cool, and shut the fuck up.

D

And yes, I do present an air of “brash cockiness” at work. Just ask Zeke. Well ok, maybe “brash cockiness” is a wee bit of an exaggeration. It may be more like a continuous aura of “what-the-fuck-ever”, “piss off”, “hangovers sucks ass”, and “Good God I hate you.” But it can be easily confused as “brash cockiness”.

Tales of Dickery: The Never-ending beer

What’s better than dickery? Dickery with beer.

The Never-ending beer

One time after an event with a former employer, I went with a few co-workers (we’ll call them Lando and Zeke) to a seedy, little dive sports bar for dinner and a few beers. And before I get into the meat of this story, I have to tell you all that this dickery is going to be inflicted on Zeke and it involves him drinking beer. Zeke does not normally drink much. In fact, Zeke is what we in the imbibing community refer to as a “lightweight”.

So, Lando, Zeke and I get a table and we all decide to order some pitchers. We eat our dinner and continue to drink and make fun of anyone and everyone. All the while Zeke is drinking his beer. And he’s getting progressively drunker and drunker. And Lando and I are loving it.

You see, Zeke still thought he was working on his same beer the entire time. He hadn’t planned on drinking much, but every time he got up to go to the bathroom, I poured more beer into his glass (careful not to fill it as that would possibly tip him off). So there he is just drinking way more than he thought he was, all the time thinking that he’s on just one beer.

That went on for a good while, long enough for us to go through several pitchers; most of which went directly to Zeke to keep the fun going. After a while we headed back to the hotel and Zeke is absolutely smashed. And Zeke, being the lightweight that he is, is definitely headed for one hell of a hangover.

The next morning before the luncheon (with numerous people that we’re supposed to be impressing), I go up to Zeke’s room to check on him and drag him down to the lobby. I knock and he answers looking like somebody just threw him out of a moving vehicle, then someone else kicked him in the junk, while another person hosed him down with a fire hose, and a last person decided to try and dress him while they were wasted themselves. So, he didn’t look too good.

I walk in and hang out a few minutes while Zeke tries his best to function on a basic human level and finish getting ready. He comes over and I notice that his tie is all kinds of crooked; so I do the nice thing and adjust it for him. Apparently I tightened it just the right amount so that both the tie and my hand hit his throat in just the right manner that sent him into vomit mode. He spins around on his heels and takes off for the bathroom (I’ve never seen him move that fast before). He yarfs, brushes his teeth again, and thanks me sarcastically for helping him with his tie.

The rest of my morning and early afternoon was spent watching Zeke try to impress a table full of people while he looked (and I’m sure felt worse than) death warmed over. I kinda enjoyed myself for that morning and afternoon.

Yet again, I’m a dick.

D

Do you guys have “Margarita Fridays”?

I applied for a job at Primatech Paper yesterday.

They sent me a follow up email letting me know that they’d contact me after evaluating my application.

I wonder how it’s gonna turn out. I’ll probably just get rejected on account of my not having any cool powers. Let’s face it: being able to pat my head and rub my belly at the same time isn’t quite the same as being able to make somebody punch themselves in the face repeatedly just because I told them to.

D

Get the defibrillator!

I think that the NHL is really flatlining here in the States. And apparently no one’s in a hurry to try and save it.

The NHL All-Star Game was last night, but I saw no promotions/commercials/anything for it prior to the single commercial I happened to catch on G4 about 2 hours before the puck was dropped. And the game itself was carried on Vs on a weeknight instead of on ABC or ESPN on a weekend like it used to be. That couldn’t have helped it much.

And don’t they usually have some sort of skills contest or Legends or Rookies Game before the main event? Never heard about any of that either. Hell, I didn’t even see any highlights of it this morning on Sportscenter.

I guess the NHL is starting to cut its losses on trying to increase viewership outside the major hockey cities (Boston, Detroit, New York, Chicago, Canada, etc) and may be moving to really try and hold in to the hardcore hockey fans.

Maybe they should try a last ditch effort like the MLS did with Beckham, and bring in a huge spectacle to spike the numbers. I vote for adding two expansion teams, one made up of gorillas and the other bears. That ought to do it.

D

Tales of Dickery: "Our Best Boy"

“Our Best Boy”

Ah, PJ- mine and Chris’ good for nothing, good intentioned, and good natured, artard of a teammate and classmate. And let me go on record as saying: “Chris, he was your guy.”

PJ is the mayne, I mean man, responsible for coming up with some of the most asinine ideas for shooting our videos, failing to help out editing in anyway, totally screwing up everything he actually shot and edited, and totally hooking Chris and I on pronouncing the word “man” as “mayne” (as in Kenny Mayne from Sportscenter) or possibly “main”. I really don’t know how to spell it, as it’s developed its own sound over the years. Let’s just say if you’ve ever heard us say it, you know what I’m going for here.

But he was a sweetheart and also the butt of a collective dickeration on the part of Chris, myself and our other teammate, Matt. And I’ll never once apologize for it.

Our team was at the end of the semester of our Video 2 class, and we were working on our final project, a “how to” video for running the college radio station booth. We were in the editing stages, and were getting to the credits of the video, when PJ pretty much for the first time since the start of the project sticks his head in the booth and asks if we need his help.

“No, we’re good. You can get back to whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Ok, mayne.”

Chris and I had long ago decided that we didn’t need PJ and that cutting him out entirely from the whole process was no loss and just getting rid of excess parts from a well oiled machine. Any time Matt questioned the decision, we just reminded him of PJ’s awesome idea to get a shot in our very first video (“Hey, mayne. Why don’t we mount the camera to the ceiling so we can get the overhead shot that way?”) It never took more than that.

So there we were putting in the closing credits, thanking the lab tech who helped us, one of our other classmates with something, and then it came time to deal with PJ.

Matt: “Hey, we forgot to put PJ’s name with ours in the credits.”

Me: “No we didn’t.”

Matt: “Yeah we did. You put you, me and Chris but not PJ.”

Chris: “We didn’t forget him, because he’s not going in there with us. We can put him somewhere else.”

Matt: “Man, that’s wrong.”

Me: “Fuck him. What’d he do anyways? Even when he was here, he just stood around not doing anything or messing up what he did do.”

Matt: “But still…”

Chris: “Fine. He goes in, but not with us. He gets his own ‘special’ credit.”

Me: “How about ‘Our Best Boy’?”

Matt: “That’s messed up.”

Chris: “It’s perfect.”

Me: “It’s done.”

Matt: “Aw, man…”

Me: “You mean, ‘Aw, mayne..’ don’t you?”

A few days later and the class is watching the final videos. As per usual, ours is wiping the floor with everyone else’s’, minor audio glitch aside (that was so not our fault, and Reed agreed with us).

We get to the credits, PJ sees his, and I hear a little “Huh?” come from him. After the class is over, PJ comes to us and started the brief exchange:

PJ: “Mayne, what was with that ‘Best Boy’ stuff? I thought I was supposed to be with y’all on that.”

Chris: “You thought wrong.”

PJ: “But mayne, I helped you guys do all that stuff.”

Chris: “Bullshit. You helped yourself and your friends do whatever the hell it was that you were doing instead of helping us.”

PJ: “But I’m your teammate. I should get the same credit as you guys.”

Matt: “Not really.” (Way to go, Matt. Way to let him have it.)

Me (in a loud enough voice for the whole room to hear): “Look, if you don’t like it, you should have been there to stop us. We’re done here.”

-----

We did eventually tell our professor that we wanted PJ to get the same grade that we did (an A as usual) despite his efforts (or lack thereof). So everything worked out for everyone: we made another great video, we all got our standard issue A, and I got another Tale of Dickery.

Don’t you just love happy endings?

D

A whole new level of Dickery

I’ve been racking my brain for some new editions of Tales of Dickery that involved my brother and I. But I’ve been drawing a big ol’ blank for some reason. But after a talk with my long distance, hetero life mate, Chris; we decided that dickery didn’t have to be limited to just what I did to Stuart. In fact, dickery probably works best when it’s been done to me. I mean, this is “Screw Big, Dumb American!” after all…

But I like it best when it’s done to other people for a change. So to tempt Karma more so than usual, I’ve decided to keep ToD rolling along with random things that I can remember doing to various people. And of course, the occasional dickeration of yours truly.

So be on the lookout for some new and improved…

Tales… of… Dickery!!!!

D

I'm back, babydoll!

Well, not me so much as the high quality TV that I've come to develop a serious heroin-like addiction to.

Tonight brings back the "I'm not fcking around when I say that this is the best night of television the world has ever seen" night of television:

8:00- How I Met Your Mother
9:00- Heroes
10:00- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Ooooh! I just got goosebumps! (Help me, I have a problem) Huh? What was that? Ah, nevermind.

So, for your voyeuristic pleaseure, here is the most up to date TV-watching schedule should everything return as expected. (click it to enlarge)



(Seriously, help! I've got a problem!) There it is again! You guys hear that?

D

Return of the gimmick

I hate gimmicky & trendy t-shirts, but every now and then I come across some that I’d actually wear (depending on their price). Which ones? Why, I’m glad you asked. Let’s take a look, shall we?

From the schmorgasborg at bustedtees.com:

Those hailing from the great state of 80stees.com:

And while we’re at it, you can’t forget the simple brilliance of Iloveanything.com (where you can make your own):

So there you have it, a quick look into my t-shirt drawer if there weren’t far too many trendy douchebags out there.

D

Well that was quick.

I had hoped we’d find a new coach quickly, but this is regoddamneddiculous.

Chris Hatcher named Georgia Southern head football coach

But he’s an excellent choice. Out of the short list of coaches that they had to have had (and we knew they had), there wasn’t really a wrong way to go. And I know that a whole lot of people were wanting Hatcher to be hired the last go around when VanGorder took the job.

Coach Hatcher has a great record, a deep respect for the program and the University, and values the traditions of Georgia Southern football (bringing the yellow busses and Eagle Creek water back!!!). So I’m fucking stoked.

From what I’ve heard about his offensive scheme, it’s supposed to be almost a mix of the option and what VanGorder tried to do. So basically a high powered offense with just as much running as throwing. That hopefully benefit all the players we have now, the ones, we’ve already signed, and the ones we’re still trying to sign. That’s a hell of a relief.

That miserable 3-8 season that’ll probably become “the season that never happened” (and will replace “munsoned” with “vangordered”) is now officially behind us, and we can all move on.

Here’s to a new “new era”, but the same winning tradition.

GO EAGLES!

D

Let me check my utility belt...

Ah, the utility belt- the male superhero’s pocketbook.

I’ve always wanted my own utility belt. And not one of those nancy-boy, handy man belts or anything, an honest to God utility belt. The kind superheroes, ninjas, and video game soldiers wear.

Just think of the functionality of it: hauling all your shit around with you in water tight casings, no bulging or bulky pockets, no jingling keys or loose pocket change, and no more threads attached to your keys so that when you pull them out it starts a hole that will eventually become a gaping chasm that wouldn’t hold your size 12 shoe.

And depending on how big your belt is, think of all the cool shizit that you could have on you at any given moment. For instance, take mine:

Cell phone
ID, debit card & cash
Chapstick
Keys
Bourbon
Gum
Cologne
Grappling hook
Smoke bombs
Beef jerky
Erotic dice
A locket of Chuck Norris’ hair

See? Perfect for my everyday life. I could be my own walking, talking, weird-ass Swiss Army knife.

Oh, I can hear you guys now: “But, D; what if someone mugs me and makes off with my new utility belt and all my stuff?” Well let me answer your slightly valid question with: “Well first of all, if you’re gonna be wearing a utility belt, you should be man/woman/shemale enough to defend yourself against all manner of attacks, be it muggers or the fashion police. I recommend a kick to the junk or a good throat punch in both situations. Second, if you’re really that concerned about some young, punk kid or your arch nemesis stealing all your capsulated goodies, you can opt for the Batman-style security package: anytime someone other than you tries to open one of the compartments, they get a really nasty shock that’ll knock ‘em out cold. Plus the handy dandy personal GPS locater will help you track the perp, and let you deliver the beat down they so rightly deserve. Is that alright with you, Miss Sissy Priss?”

Ahem. So, let’s recap shall we? The utility belt- functional AND fashionable.

Well, more fashionable than a fanny pack at least.

D

Of course with everything that I’d have with me, I’d still never have a freakin’ pen.

VanGorder screws us again

VanGorder a Goner

After one miserable season, Brian VanGorder has left Georgia Southern University to become a linebackers coach for the Atlanta Falcons.

God I hope this doesn’t screw us as much as I think it might what with recruitment, system changes, and everything else. Ugh! I don’t even wanna think about it anymore.


“I’m as fucking surprised as you guys are!”- Sam Baker, A.D.

D

SBDA meets BBCA

It’s a good thing that I had yesterday off in order to finish doing all the stuff I needed to do over the weekend, because I was utterly useless for the majority of it.

I got up around 11:00 Saturday morning; just expecting a lazy day of video games, basketball (the GSU game was on Sports South), cooking for the upcoming week, and probably more than a little drinking. And I was partially right. I did watch the tele and I did knock back a bunch at the bar that night, I just never got to those video games or anything else really. In fact, I didn’t really get off the couch starting at 11:30 and ending at 6:30.

Turns out that BBC America was running a marathon of a show that I was curious about: Hex. I hopped on board about a half hour into the pilot and, with the exception of watching the GSU game during commercials, pretty much didn’t change the channel for 7 hours. So yeah, I liked it.

I didn’t expect much from the show at first as it was a very slow build, but once it got rolling I was hooked. You can somewhat compare it to Buffy, but it’s more like the darker season 6 than anything else. But I personally liked season 6’s darker, tumultuous tone; so Hex ended up being a good fit for me.

When I did finally get off my ass to go drink some beer, I set the ol’ VCR to record the last couple of episodes that they showed (I am such a nerd). So I wasn’t completely done with the show after 7 hours, I had to finish watching it on Sunday.

After 2 hours the next morning, I was finally done with all the Hex they’ve shown so far on BBCA (the last season airs this summer I think). But I wasn’t done with BBCA itself quite yet. Those cheeky bastards decided that they were going to try to catch me up on the first season of Dr. Who this weekend as well. Which was nice of them since I’ve been trying to get that from Jake so that I can see what precedes season 2 (which I’m watching religiously now). 6 time & space bending episodes later, and I’m up to speed with BBCA’s schedule for Dr. Who as well.

So now I’m making it a point to check out the BBCA portion of the menu; as show for show, their sci-fi show lineup rivals (if not betters) that of The Sci-Fi Channel. And they’re about to debut another sci-fi show, Hyperdrive, that looks to be along the same lines as a Red Dwarf or maybe “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

I knew that the British knew their TV comedy (The Office, Coupling, Benny Hill, etc), I just never knew how well they did the sci-fi too.

D

Plus they also say “shit” a lot without bleeping it and I saw most of a boob too.

God, I’ll kill whomever you need me to if you let this pass…

Sunday beer, wine sales bill introduced

And if the Statesboro voters don’t pass it, I’ll kill a whole hell of a lot more…

D

Tales of Dickery: Stuart and the Deserted, Dirt Road

Alright, this one’s not really about Stuart being stupid or anything. This one was the result of him being a dick, and me having to trump him.

Stuart and the Deserted, Dirt Road
Stuart, myself and a friend of ours (Jason) were all on the way back home from football practice one evening. And it’s not like it was just across town. We all went to a small, private school that was about a 30 minute drive from home. And 80% of that was through the middle of nowhere.

So we’re on our way home and Stuart begins to act like the little douche that he truly was at that point. I mean, just mouthing off about anything and everything. I yell at him to shut up or I’m gonna make him pay for it. Nothing. He still keeps on, thinking that he has safety in the backseat of the car.

So I pull on to a long, dirt road just off the main road we were on. I slam on the brakes, he flies forward, and I bitch slap him right across the face; all in one perfectly choreographed sequence. (When Jason tells this story, he loves to emphasize the bitch slapping.)

Stuart in his stunned and extremely confused state had to have thought that was the end of it. A little corporal punishment and it’d be over. Not so much.

“Get the fuck out.”

“But…”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out!”

Stuart opens the door, backs out so that he can still keep an eye on me and my hands, and slowly closes the door. I throw the car in reverse and back down the dirt road and back onto the main road. I put it in drive and peel away leaving Stuart standing there in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road with nightfall coming on very quickly.

About 10 minutes later, Jason breaks his self-imposed silence.

“You’re gonna go back there for him, right?”

“Fuck him.”

“Seriously, dude. You’re gonna go home and leave him there in the middle of nowhere with God knows who or what to come along and Deliverance him?”

“Pretty much.”

“Your parents are going to murder you in your sleep. I don’t think they could take you while you’re awake, but still: you’re so freakin’ dead.”

“……”

I slam on the brakes, turn the car around, and head back to see if there was anything left of Stuart or his ego.

When we get there, we can’t even see Stuart on the road, and the darkfall with no moon or street lights didn’t help.

“Oh fuck. He’s dead.” Was all that Jason could say.

We sat there for a few seconds before I rolled down the window and yelled for him to get his punk ass in the car, at which point he bounded out of the brush on the side of the road like some scrawny, white bushman. He apparently had hidden in the brush because he saw and heard a rowdy bunch of rednecks coming down the road in a pickup, and realized that this was a good time to start being neither seen nor heard.

The rest of the way home was the longest period of time that I’ve ever heard Stuart quiet, even to this very day. He didn’t say shit for the rest of the night and was even good the next day too. But 2 days later he was a douche again.

D

See Big, Dumb American run. Run, Big, Dumb American, run!

The odometer to the right is to help me keep track of how I’m doing when I go running, and also to help me keep it going. My initial reason was that if I was dumb enough to keep putting it up there, I’d have to keep up with it so that I didn’t look like an artard or a lazy ass bum. Basically, I’m trying to shame myself into more running.

I think I actually ganked this idea from somebody back in the day. The Princess Hiker, maybe? I’m just ready to do it now though.

It won’t get updated every day, as I won’t be running every day. Hopefully it’ll be about every other day, or at least Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are for using that frickin elliptical that’s in my apartment. And of course there’s already a monkey wrench in the plan, as I have to work late tonight and won’t be able to run. So I guess I’ll have to make it up sometime else.

And technically; yes, I think that it’s supposed to be “pedometer”, but I liked “odometer” better. So that’s that.

D

Release the hounds!

So I got a kick ass Christmas check this year and have gone ahead and earmarked it for… wait for it… a new laptop! And that’s where I need your help. Well, your recommendations at least.

I’m currently eyeing the Apple MacBook and possibly a Sony Vaio, but I don’t want to rule out the old Dells or HPs.

So if you know what direction I should be looking in to check email, read and post on the Interweb, watch porn, burn cds/dvds, and maybe a little bit of gaming; let me know. I think I need all the help I can get.

D

I don't know what it is...

But I want it.




Sweet Jesus I love Bruce Campbell. The Old Spice however, not so much.

D

I put the “dic” in “prediction”

Man, it’s a good thing that I didn’t bet any money, take any sort of pride in, or have a sense of accomplishment in my bowl game predictions because I suck ass at it. I think I actually get progressively worse every year. Like I have some degenerative disease that’s just eroding my analytical skills. Or I’m drinking too much.

This year’s final tally: 17-15. That’s 2 games over .500 and a whopping 53% winning percentage. Enough to get me fired from pretty much any coaching position in any sport on any level. Or killed if I coached soccer in a South American country.

And thus ends another season of college football. I’ll miss you College Gameday Live from everywhere other than Statesboro, USC Song Girls that cheer at the wrong time and show their nice asses on national TV, rooting for any team that plays UGA on Saturday and betting that they’ll probably lose their bye week too, asking on Sunday how the tailgate that I was at for 8 hours was because I got too drunk to remember (again), and especially you John David Booty. Heh heh heh…”Booty”.

Sigh. Oh well, time now to move on to college basketball. But hey, only about 2 months before I get to showcase my skills and pick the NCAA Tournament. I can’t wait to have my Fantastic Final Four turn into the Defenders again…

D

Tigger layeth the smacketh down

After years of of mental and verbal abuse from both Pooh and Christopher Robin, Tigger could no longer hold in his rage...

Paws of fury.

Ahhhh, that’s good stuff.

D

It’s a moral imperative that I see this movie.

What?!?! I’m just now finding out about this?!?!

Kilmer plans Genius return

Good, God I loved “Real Genius”. Loved? Wait, no. That should be “love”. No… that should be “fucking, absolutely LOVE”. I still stop and watch it every time I see that it’s on nowadays. Without fail.

So I just about wet myself when I saw that Val Kilmer is trying to do more comedies, and specifically, wants to go back and do a follow up to “Real Genius”. And it had very little to do with the fact that I really had to go to the bathroom anyways. My peeing myself, not Kilmer’s decision. My juju in Hollywood isn’t that strong yet.

Man o man. This is gonna mean more to me than Snakes on a Plane ever did.

D

Verizon. They never stop working for me.

It's 2007 and I may still not have my flying car, teleporter, mech suit, rocket pack, holo-deck or any of that other crap I was promised long ago by cartoons, TV and movies; but at least Verizon is still trying to come up with something to tide me over until I can get what I really want.

Live TV set for Verizon cell phones

Now if someone could just come up with a Replicator in the meantime, I'd wait a little more patiently on that mech suit.

D

Not dead...

Just a busy beaver. (13 1/2 hours Tues, 9 1/2 hours Wed, and still here at 7:00 Thurs.)

I've got a few things in the works, if I can ever find the time to sit down and write & post them.

Sorry to the Interweb fans of the show.

D

I got 2 words for ya...

Merry Christmas.

D

Unwrap your presents with care...

Actually watched SNL last week for the first time in forever and got to see this. It was funnier then because I was hammered, but at least now you can see it uncensored.




I'd rather have a chick in a box.

D

Tales of Dickery: Stuart and the Feat of Strength

Stuart has done some stupid things since I’ve known him. And to be honest, I’ve done more than my fair share too. But mine don’t end up getting blogged about. Well, at least not by him anyways…

Stuart and the Feat of Strength
We were sitting on the couch watching TV (why do these all start like an episode of Beavis and Butthead?) when we got into an argument about something (something dumb, I’m sure). Stuart claimed to be better at something and then followed it up with a “he could kick my ass.”

Instead of actually getting into a fight and pummeling the ever living shit out of him, and then getting grounded for it; I decided to prove that I also had the better mental faculties to boot. So I challenged him to a make-shift Feat of Strength.

I told him to take his right hand and put it in my right hand, like we were helping each other up. We would stand across from each other and pull towards ourselves and whoever pulled the other over won bragging rights.

Stuart was still younger and smaller, and also dumber, so there was no way he could win. But he was really fired up and I let him believe he could for a few seconds as we started.

He pulled and pulled and I made a face that was supposed to look like I was struggling, but probably really looked like I was wrestling with a massive deuce. So he pulled and pulled, and I just started smiling. Before he realized what was going on and could stop… I let go.

And he punched himself square in the face, knocking himself to the floor.

Ahhhh… I’m rewinding those precious moments and watching them over and over in my mind right now.

The first words, not corrupted by laughter, out of my mouth were something like “Hey, I didn’t touch you. That was all you.”

As I helped him off the floor, I told him “You know that was really a tie ‘cause the grip was broken. You wanna try it again to see who wins?”

He politely declined, well as polite as “Fuck you” can be, and went looking for ice. I totally got in trouble for that, but it was worth it. It so was because I’m still enjoying it right now.

*whack!*

Ahhhh…that’s good stuff.

D

Bowl-a-rama!

I’d like this set of picks to be as fun as last year’s was to make, but that took an incredible amount of research and goofing around on the Internet. Actually, the research was an incredible amount. The goofing around was a legendary amount. But that’s neither here nor there.

This year’s picks won’t have the benefit of being able to link to hot chicks that play a school’s mascot or anything, it’ll just be what I know off the top of my head or gather from ESPN. And it’ll probably be just a plain ol’ pick, with possible commentary if I just can’t help myself. Here we go…

Dec. 19
Poinsettia, ESPN2 8 p.m., TCU (7-5) vs. Northern Illinois (10-2)

Dec. 21
Las Vegas, ESPN 8 p.m., Oregon (7-5) vs. BYU (10-2)

Dec. 22
New Orleans, ESPN 8 p.m., Troy (7-5) vs. Rice (7-5)

Dec. 23
Armed Forces, ESPN 8 p.m., Utah (7-5) vs. Tulsa (8-4)

New Mexico, ESPN 4:30 p.m., New Mexico (6-6) vs. San Jose St. (8-4)

PapaJohns.com, ESPN2 1 p.m., East Carolina (7-5) vs. South Florida (8-4)
When the Golden Bulls were playing (and beating) West Virginia, I told someone: “You know, they don’t win a lot of games; but they do win the big ones.” This’ll be another of those big wins for South Florida.

Dec. 24
Hawaii, ESPN 8 p.m., Arizona State (7-5) vs. Hawaii (10-3)

Dec. 26
Motor City, ESPN 7:30 p.m., C. Michigan (9-4) vs. Middle Tenn. (7-5)

Dec. 27
Emerald, ESPN 8 p.m., Florida State (6-6) vs. UCLA (7-5)

Dec. 28
Holiday, ESPN 8 p.m., Texas A&M (9-3) vs. California (9-3)
Oh this one sucks. 2 evenly matched 9-3 teams? I’d say that it a pick ‘em, but I have to actually pick one here don’t I? Fine. How about… Cal.


Texas, NFL Net. 8 p.m., Rutgers (10-2) vs. Kansas State (7-5)
The Scarlet Knights will be out to prove that they were worth all the talk that they got for the majority of the season. Unfortunately, it’s the Texas Bowl and no one’s gonna give a damn.

Independence, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Oklahoma State (6-6) vs. Alabama (6-6)

Dec. 29
Champs Sports, ESPN 8 p.m., Purdue (8-5) vs. Maryland (8-4)

Insight, NFL Net. 7:30 p.m., Minnesota (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
“No Maroney means Minnesota’s bologna.” Hmmm… sounds right but looks wrong. Probably what my prediction will be.

Liberty, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Houston (10-3) vs. South Carolina (7-5)
A 10-3 record and being Conference USA Champs isn’t enough to get past a Spurrier-coached South Carolina team that’s ready to stop under-performing.

Sun, CBS 2 p.m., Missouri (8-4) vs. Oregon State (9-4)
Heh heh… Beavers.

Music City, ESPN 1 p.m., Kentucky (7-5) vs. Clemson (8-4)

Dec. 30
Chick-fil-A, ESPN 8 p.m., Virginia Tech (10-2) vs. Georgia (8-4)
So many things to say about UGAy. And they’re all bad. Instead, I’ll just say that VA Tech will be firing on all cylinders for offense, defense and Beamer’s special teams; and there’s not a whole hell of a lot that UGA will be able to do about it. Because they suck.

Alamo, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Texas (9-3) vs. Iowa (6-6)
Texas is gonna be pissed that they’re playing in the Alamo Bowl instead of playing for the BCS Title like they thought they would a few months ago. They can be pissed all they want but it’s their own fault for screwing up 3 times this year and relegating themselves here.

Meineke Car Care, ESPN2 1 p.m., Boston College (9-3) vs. Navy (9-3)
Heart says Navy. Head says BC. The coin tosses have it: BC it is.

Dec. 31
MPC Computers, ESPN 7:30 p.m., Nevada (8-4) vs. Miami (Fla.) (6-6)
You think Coker can coax one more win out of this team before he packs his bags and high-tails it out of Coral Gables? Me too.

Jan. 1
Fiesta, FOX 8 p.m., Oklahoma (11-2) vs. Boise State (12-0)
Damn. Another hard one. It’s size versus speed. And how good is Boise St. off the Smurf Turf? Guess it’s time to put ‘em on the table and pick… Oklahoma.

Rose, ABC 5 p.m., Southern Cal. (10-2) vs. Michigan (11-1)

Capital One, ABC 1 p.m., Arkansas (10-3) vs. Wisconsin (11-1)

Gator, CBS 1 p.m., Georgia Tech (9-4) vs. W. Virginia (10-2)
Reggie Ball. That’s all that needs to be said.

Cotton, FOX 11:30 a.m., Nebraska (9-4) vs. Auburn (10-2)

Outback, ESPN 11 a.m., Penn State (8-4) vs. Tennessee (9-3)

Jan. 2
Orange, FOX 8 p.m., Wake Forest (11-2) vs. Louisville (11-1)
I initially had Louisville, but have since changed my mind. I'll probably regret it.

Jan. 3
Sugar, FOX 8 p.m., LSU (10-2) vs. Notre Dame (10-2)
Let’s see if Notre Dame can put their money where their mouths are and play up to their potential against a team that seems to outmatch them.

Jan. 6
International, ESPN Noon, W. Michigan (8-4) vs. Cincinnati (7-5)
The “Who gives a shit Bowl” has been conveniently located in a city where they probably don’t give a shit.

Jan. 7
GMAC, ESPN 8 p.m., Southern Miss (8-5) vs. Ohio (9-4)

Jan. 8
BCS Title, FOX 8 p.m., Ohio State (12-0) vs. Florida (12-1)


This is gonna hurt.

D

Holiday Wish List

I’ve got my 2 front teeth, so here’s some of the other shit I want for Christmas…

A new job as a firefighter
An X-Box 360
The Southern Century
A digital camera
How I Met Your Mother: Season 1
Risk
Anything GSU
Transformers 20th Anniversary DVD
A laptop
A nice slip cover for the couch
To be the Derek that’s banging Jessica Biel
GSU Eagle head logo tattoo
A whole bunch of Golden Toe dress socks and XLT undershirts (Jesus, I really am getting old.)
Whirled peas
A threesome with Kate Beckinsale and Keira Knightly

What? The threesome? It’s no more wishful thinking than some of the others at this point, so let me have my dreams. Let me have my dreams I said!!!

D

Hiatus Schmiatus

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The leaves have turned color, birds have migrated, girls have put away their skirts and short shorts (for the most part), and my shows are going on hiatus leaving me with tons of unanswered questions like:

-Who are the other 5 cylons?
-Is Peter Petrelli really the bomb to blow up New York?
-What in the hell happened to the U.S. outside the town of Jericho?
-How will Jordan respond to Danny’s love bombshell?
-Will Kate, Sawyer and Jack escape the Others?
-Do I really even care about Lost anymore?
-How bad is Smallville’s incarnation of the Justice League gonna suck?
-How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

I must know!!!

But instead of answers; I get re-runs, mid-season fill-in shows, mini-series (mini-serieses? mini-serii?) and a whole bunch of other filler that will help keep my life as meaningless and trivial as usual:

-Bowl games
-college basketball
-the possibility of good mid-season replacement shows
-the inevitable “mini-series events” that’ll crop up
-scores of bad television movies (I’m looking at you, SciFi Channel)
-a handful of Georgia Southern home basketball games
-my chili cooking
-a few “accidental” drunks on the couch
-a new video game or 2

I guess to say that I won’t be spending just as much time stretched out on the couch with my first 2 loves (that’d be the TV and beer) would probably just be an outright lie and we all know it. So, instead I’ll just say that I’ll probably be on the couch just as much; but slightly bitter, less enamored and possibly drunker.

It’s somewhat a hollow victory, I know.

D

Tales of Dickery

A little while ago I had a random memory of something funny (at least I thought it was funny) that I did to my step-brother Stuart when we were younger. And then I had another. And another. And for some reason, I just felt the need to write them down…

And in all fairness, I was doing this to my step-brother (and he wasn’t even that at that point); so this really can’t be looked upon as real dickery. It was family business.

Who knew being a dick could be so much fun?

Stuart Spices Up His Schnoz
We were watching a cartoon and they did the whole “black pepper makes you sneeze” bit. So he asked me if that actually worked. I wanted to see if he’d actually try it, so I said “yes”. He promptly went into the kitchen but came back with something other than black pepper.

“We don’t have any of the black kind, but we have this flaky red stuff.”

“Oh. Well, that works even better.” I said.

So the little bugger pours some of the pepper out into his hand and begins to snort it like Rick James on holiday. It takes just a few seconds for everything to register with him and he begins to scream his head off. I kid you not, I actually thought he was going to pull his nose off and throw it at me.

Amidst all the screaming, crying and my laughing; I heard him ask what he was supposed to do.

“Flush it out with water.” Was the sage advice I gave him. I mean it sounded like a good idea at the time.

So the little retard goes into the kitchen and leans in under the faucet…upside down. I stood there in the kitchen and watched him half drown himself in the kitchen sink thinking that I could have made less of a mess by flushing him out with a garden hose. But I guess it worked. With the sheer amount of water that was going all over him and the kitchen and down his throat, some of it had to actually go through his nasal passages at some point.

A couple of pounds on the back to clear him out, a few wet towels and some dry clothes later; and we were back on the couch watching TV again. Understandably, Stuart was a little hesitant to ask me about stuff on TV being true after that.

I never could convince him to try the banana peel bit or that stepping on a rake doesn’t hurt at all….

D

Boogity boogity boogity!

We’re goin’ racin’! Well, running actually. Weeell, more like jogging to be honest. Fine, plodding along like Mudman if you really want to get specific about it.

In addition to the chili cook-off that was held Thursday, there was also a 5K Reindeer Race through downtown as well. And that is to mean that you run for 5 kilometers, not that there were 5,000 reindeer running through downtown Statesboro. Although, that’d be frickin sweet.

Anyhoo, there was a 5k race, and I didn’t run in it. I didn’t feel really prepared for it since I only found out about it the week before and I hadn’t done as much running as I’d liked due to work and other crapola. That, and I wanted to concentrate on my chili eating. Let nothing get in the way of my chili eating. Unless it’s my beer drinking.

But I did find out about several other 5K races in and around the ‘Boro in the next couple of months. And I’ve gone ahead and made the partially serious commitment to myself to run in them, or at least some of them. And by “partially serious commitment”, I mean that I put them on my calendar. That’s about the extent of it. The making of a rock-solid commitment would require me registering for them and also paying the registration fee. Which every time I think about paying them, I hear Chris’ voice in my head saying “Why the fuck would you pay to run? That’s fucking clown shoes.” (Yes, in my head Chris likes to use the term “clown shoes” as often as he can.)

And that’s pretty much one of the biggest things keeping me from making the commitment. No, not hearing Chris say “That’s fucking clown shoes” , it’s the paying thing. And what exactly am I paying for? Mostly a t-shirt. And some free Gatorade. Oh, and that little piece of paper that’ll have my number on it so they can identify my body when they find it on the side of the road several hours later. Hell, I can make my own t-shirt (“The 1st Annual SBDA 5K Plod & Hurl!”), and just run until I pass out in an area where someone that finds me will know to wake me up by pouring beer on me.

But I’ve always wanted to run one. Not to win it, because there’s absolutely no way in Hades that I could. But just to run and finish it and to say “You know what? I did that. Fuck yeah!” Kinda like after banging a hot girl. And ironically I would have to call Chris after both.

So, right now I’m at the “partially serious” phase, and I’ll see where I stand (financially and conditioning) after a couple of weeks of running. Then I’ll be in a better position to gage if I can really go and test myself and how much of an ass I’ll make of myself in the process.

D

Update:
After discovering that 5K isn't as far as I thought (I was thinking 4 miles instead of the 3.2 that it is), I realized that I currently run farther than that when I go now. But, being the massive fan of hyperbole that I am, I refuse to go back and change anything in this post.

“C” is for chili, that’s good enough for me!

On a cold, Winter night; there’s very few (non-sexual) things that feel as good or warm you up as much as eating a bowl of chili.

But when you don’t have a bowl of chili, between 15 and 20 tiny cups full of it and handfuls of saltine crackers will have to suffice. Especially if some of those cups are full of some good, spicy Fire Department chili. Those guys can make some mean chili.

My first chili cook-off ended up being a rousing success. The only thing that it was missing was copious amounts of beer. Sobriety aside; it was still good to be out, see some friends (Merritt, Jake & Turner), cheer on some runners, bite my tongue to avoid telling kids there was no Santa, and (most importantly) eat some free chili.

There were about 10 entries total, and I’d say that it was split pretty evenly: the top 5 were really good and the bottom 5 were absolutely horrible. And not horrible as in bad tasting. But horrible as in really having no taste at all or just being way too runny like a soup.

The 2 best (for me anyways) were what seemed to be a barbeque sauce based chili (we guessed KC Masterpiece) and the SFD’s good-&-hot-but-not-too-hot, thick chili. The worst was definitely Larry’s Giant Subs’ chili, which that had the most promise of all. It had big chunks of meat, veggies and beans; but had almost no taste at all. I was almost mad that it came up so short.

And I did get some good laughs from volunteers, judges and contestants when they saw that I brought Hank and Alfonse along with me. I was hoping to garner some sort of “biggest chili fan” award, but no such luck. And poor Alfonse didn’t even get to get in on the action. It was all Hank, that greedy little red & silver SOB.

If I could have run in the race before hand, the day/evening would've probably been a little bit better. And all the “you’re not running?” that I got really was enough to make me want to do it next year to work up an appetite for some chili. Or throw up a bunch of chili later on, but whatever.

So until next year’s Holiday Chili Cook-off, I’ll keep the chili posts to a minimum. Or at least until I find out about another cook-off.

D

Do the Japanese make chili?

While I was writing up my declaration of war on some chili, I remembered an email that I got once; and a coworker swore that she pictured me the whole time she read it. I think if you did sub me in there for that poor bastard, it’d be like SBDA put on its own chili cook-off. “Oooh look! Big, Dumb American about to eat our special wasabi chili! He gonna burn!”

So here’s that Texas Chili Cook-off email, but I’ve lovingly replaced the guy’s name with my own. Maybe that’ll make it a little funnier for you guys to think of me going through this.

-------

Derek : "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Miller Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Derek) -- Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

------

Both Hank and Alfonse (just in case) are patiently waiting in the car, ready to sample as much chili as possible. I can't freakin' wait. I better not be disappointed...

D

Dynasty

One entry found for dynasty.
Main Entry: dy·nas·ty
Pronunciation: 'dI-n&-stE also -"nas-tE, especially British 'di-n&-stE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 : a succession of rulers of the same line of descent
2 : a powerful group or family that maintains its position for a considerable time
3 : The University of North Carolina Tar Heels Women’s Soccer Team

-----
To paraphrase Coach Dean Smith: “The University of North Carolina isn’t a men’s basketball school… it’s a women’s soccer school.”

The Lady Tar Heels won their 18th National Championship against Notre Dame on Sunday, which is approximately 16 more than their nearest competitor… Notre Dame. That’s Carolina's 18th championship in the 25-year history of the Women's College Cup. To further drive the point home, that’s 72%. I’d say that qualifies as a dynasty.

Congrats, ladies.

D

Everything’s better with chili

All last week I kept hearing a commercial (no XM in the rental monster truck) for a chili cook-off and flag football tournament in Savannah. And I remember thinking: “Oh, man I love chili….” I also remember thinking: “Damn. Why doesn’t Statesboro ever have a chili cook-off? This blows!”

But not all chili-eating hope is lost. That very afternoon after I claimed that it blew, I received an email with an attachment that said the ‘Boro would indeed be having a chili cook-off of its own.

Thursday will be the 2nd annual Chili Cook-Off Competition in the annual downtown Holiday Celebration. And I will be there. More importantly, I will be there with my very own, trusted chili spoon (his name is Hank). That spoon and I have been through many a bowl of chili together, and quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather share a bowl of chili with. Except Jessica Biel.

They’re gonna have categories for: Overall Best Chili, People’s Choice, Meat, Veggie, With Beans, No Beans, & Best Restaurant Chili. And if I feel so inclined, I might just review them myself. And, the chili gods willing, I might be able to volunteer to be a judge. That might be the culmination of my life right there. And I’m actually fine with that.

So if anyone cares to join me Thursday shortly after 5:00, give me a call. Hank and I will be glad to let you tag along. And if you play your cards right, you may even get to use Alfonse- Hank’s identical, yet Latin, brother.

D

Settin’ ‘em up & knockin’ ‘em down

That’s right, I’m talking about bowling. Well, more like Bowl-ing anyways.

It’s just about time to start printing off the list of Bowl games & participants, busting out the highlighter, and then agonizing over whether a struggling 7 win team can beat a slightly-less struggling 8 win team. And coin tosses. Lots of coin tosses. Oh, and of course my picking against UGA even if they end up playing the worst team that happens to get a bid to play in the Toilet Bowl.

This Sunday the selections will all be made official and that means Monday I will probably be useless at work. More so than usual. And speaking of useless, that'll probably pretty much sum up my attempts at picking the majority of the winners this year. Pretty much the same as last year. And the year before. And all the preceding years before that. But hey, at least I’m consistent.

So deodorize your rental cleats and polish off your balls, we’re going Bowling.

D

Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia

http://www.georgiasouthern.edu/centennial/

A Proclamation
GEORGIA SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY DAY

WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern University was founded December 1, 1906, as First District Agricultural and Mechanical School; and
WHEREAS:
This establishment has continuously adapted its mission to meet the needs of the citizens of Georgia as Georgia Normal School, South Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Southern College, and, presently, Georgia Southern University; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is a Carnegie Doctoral Research University and one of the largest, most comprehensive public universities in all of South Georgia; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern has served as a positive economic and social force, bettering the lives of the citizens of our state. This university has committed itself to a future of innovative and energetic public service in the greatest tradition of higher education; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is now beginning a year-long celebration of its first century of service; now
THEREFORE:
I, SONNY PERDUE of the state of Georgia, do hereby proclaim December 1, 2006, as Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia.

In witness thereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the Executive Department of be affixed this first day of November in the year of our Lord two thousand six.

Sonny Perdue
Governor
-------

Well, Sonny got one thing right.

D

This is upgrading?

Dropped this off to get fixed:

<-- Ye, olde Vue








Thought I'd get this as the rental:

<-- El Sentra






Ended up getting this as the "upgrade":










<-- Big, friggin' huge Titan










Not exactly what I had in mind. But it's different. Haven't really decided if I like it or not yet though. I'll give it another day or so.

D