I'm back, babydoll!

Well, not me so much as the high quality TV that I've come to develop a serious heroin-like addiction to.

Tonight brings back the "I'm not fcking around when I say that this is the best night of television the world has ever seen" night of television:

8:00- How I Met Your Mother
9:00- Heroes
10:00- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Ooooh! I just got goosebumps! (Help me, I have a problem) Huh? What was that? Ah, nevermind.

So, for your voyeuristic pleaseure, here is the most up to date TV-watching schedule should everything return as expected. (click it to enlarge)



(Seriously, help! I've got a problem!) There it is again! You guys hear that?

D

Return of the gimmick

I hate gimmicky & trendy t-shirts, but every now and then I come across some that I’d actually wear (depending on their price). Which ones? Why, I’m glad you asked. Let’s take a look, shall we?

From the schmorgasborg at bustedtees.com:

Those hailing from the great state of 80stees.com:

And while we’re at it, you can’t forget the simple brilliance of Iloveanything.com (where you can make your own):

So there you have it, a quick look into my t-shirt drawer if there weren’t far too many trendy douchebags out there.

D

Well that was quick.

I had hoped we’d find a new coach quickly, but this is regoddamneddiculous.

Chris Hatcher named Georgia Southern head football coach

But he’s an excellent choice. Out of the short list of coaches that they had to have had (and we knew they had), there wasn’t really a wrong way to go. And I know that a whole lot of people were wanting Hatcher to be hired the last go around when VanGorder took the job.

Coach Hatcher has a great record, a deep respect for the program and the University, and values the traditions of Georgia Southern football (bringing the yellow busses and Eagle Creek water back!!!). So I’m fucking stoked.

From what I’ve heard about his offensive scheme, it’s supposed to be almost a mix of the option and what VanGorder tried to do. So basically a high powered offense with just as much running as throwing. That hopefully benefit all the players we have now, the ones, we’ve already signed, and the ones we’re still trying to sign. That’s a hell of a relief.

That miserable 3-8 season that’ll probably become “the season that never happened” (and will replace “munsoned” with “vangordered”) is now officially behind us, and we can all move on.

Here’s to a new “new era”, but the same winning tradition.

GO EAGLES!

D

Let me check my utility belt...

Ah, the utility belt- the male superhero’s pocketbook.

I’ve always wanted my own utility belt. And not one of those nancy-boy, handy man belts or anything, an honest to God utility belt. The kind superheroes, ninjas, and video game soldiers wear.

Just think of the functionality of it: hauling all your shit around with you in water tight casings, no bulging or bulky pockets, no jingling keys or loose pocket change, and no more threads attached to your keys so that when you pull them out it starts a hole that will eventually become a gaping chasm that wouldn’t hold your size 12 shoe.

And depending on how big your belt is, think of all the cool shizit that you could have on you at any given moment. For instance, take mine:

Cell phone
ID, debit card & cash
Chapstick
Keys
Bourbon
Gum
Cologne
Grappling hook
Smoke bombs
Beef jerky
Erotic dice
A locket of Chuck Norris’ hair

See? Perfect for my everyday life. I could be my own walking, talking, weird-ass Swiss Army knife.

Oh, I can hear you guys now: “But, D; what if someone mugs me and makes off with my new utility belt and all my stuff?” Well let me answer your slightly valid question with: “Well first of all, if you’re gonna be wearing a utility belt, you should be man/woman/shemale enough to defend yourself against all manner of attacks, be it muggers or the fashion police. I recommend a kick to the junk or a good throat punch in both situations. Second, if you’re really that concerned about some young, punk kid or your arch nemesis stealing all your capsulated goodies, you can opt for the Batman-style security package: anytime someone other than you tries to open one of the compartments, they get a really nasty shock that’ll knock ‘em out cold. Plus the handy dandy personal GPS locater will help you track the perp, and let you deliver the beat down they so rightly deserve. Is that alright with you, Miss Sissy Priss?”

Ahem. So, let’s recap shall we? The utility belt- functional AND fashionable.

Well, more fashionable than a fanny pack at least.

D

Of course with everything that I’d have with me, I’d still never have a freakin’ pen.

VanGorder screws us again

VanGorder a Goner

After one miserable season, Brian VanGorder has left Georgia Southern University to become a linebackers coach for the Atlanta Falcons.

God I hope this doesn’t screw us as much as I think it might what with recruitment, system changes, and everything else. Ugh! I don’t even wanna think about it anymore.


“I’m as fucking surprised as you guys are!”- Sam Baker, A.D.

D

SBDA meets BBCA

It’s a good thing that I had yesterday off in order to finish doing all the stuff I needed to do over the weekend, because I was utterly useless for the majority of it.

I got up around 11:00 Saturday morning; just expecting a lazy day of video games, basketball (the GSU game was on Sports South), cooking for the upcoming week, and probably more than a little drinking. And I was partially right. I did watch the tele and I did knock back a bunch at the bar that night, I just never got to those video games or anything else really. In fact, I didn’t really get off the couch starting at 11:30 and ending at 6:30.

Turns out that BBC America was running a marathon of a show that I was curious about: Hex. I hopped on board about a half hour into the pilot and, with the exception of watching the GSU game during commercials, pretty much didn’t change the channel for 7 hours. So yeah, I liked it.

I didn’t expect much from the show at first as it was a very slow build, but once it got rolling I was hooked. You can somewhat compare it to Buffy, but it’s more like the darker season 6 than anything else. But I personally liked season 6’s darker, tumultuous tone; so Hex ended up being a good fit for me.

When I did finally get off my ass to go drink some beer, I set the ol’ VCR to record the last couple of episodes that they showed (I am such a nerd). So I wasn’t completely done with the show after 7 hours, I had to finish watching it on Sunday.

After 2 hours the next morning, I was finally done with all the Hex they’ve shown so far on BBCA (the last season airs this summer I think). But I wasn’t done with BBCA itself quite yet. Those cheeky bastards decided that they were going to try to catch me up on the first season of Dr. Who this weekend as well. Which was nice of them since I’ve been trying to get that from Jake so that I can see what precedes season 2 (which I’m watching religiously now). 6 time & space bending episodes later, and I’m up to speed with BBCA’s schedule for Dr. Who as well.

So now I’m making it a point to check out the BBCA portion of the menu; as show for show, their sci-fi show lineup rivals (if not betters) that of The Sci-Fi Channel. And they’re about to debut another sci-fi show, Hyperdrive, that looks to be along the same lines as a Red Dwarf or maybe “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

I knew that the British knew their TV comedy (The Office, Coupling, Benny Hill, etc), I just never knew how well they did the sci-fi too.

D

Plus they also say “shit” a lot without bleeping it and I saw most of a boob too.

God, I’ll kill whomever you need me to if you let this pass…

Sunday beer, wine sales bill introduced

And if the Statesboro voters don’t pass it, I’ll kill a whole hell of a lot more…

D

Tales of Dickery: Stuart and the Deserted, Dirt Road

Alright, this one’s not really about Stuart being stupid or anything. This one was the result of him being a dick, and me having to trump him.

Stuart and the Deserted, Dirt Road
Stuart, myself and a friend of ours (Jason) were all on the way back home from football practice one evening. And it’s not like it was just across town. We all went to a small, private school that was about a 30 minute drive from home. And 80% of that was through the middle of nowhere.

So we’re on our way home and Stuart begins to act like the little douche that he truly was at that point. I mean, just mouthing off about anything and everything. I yell at him to shut up or I’m gonna make him pay for it. Nothing. He still keeps on, thinking that he has safety in the backseat of the car.

So I pull on to a long, dirt road just off the main road we were on. I slam on the brakes, he flies forward, and I bitch slap him right across the face; all in one perfectly choreographed sequence. (When Jason tells this story, he loves to emphasize the bitch slapping.)

Stuart in his stunned and extremely confused state had to have thought that was the end of it. A little corporal punishment and it’d be over. Not so much.

“Get the fuck out.”

“But…”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out!”

Stuart opens the door, backs out so that he can still keep an eye on me and my hands, and slowly closes the door. I throw the car in reverse and back down the dirt road and back onto the main road. I put it in drive and peel away leaving Stuart standing there in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road with nightfall coming on very quickly.

About 10 minutes later, Jason breaks his self-imposed silence.

“You’re gonna go back there for him, right?”

“Fuck him.”

“Seriously, dude. You’re gonna go home and leave him there in the middle of nowhere with God knows who or what to come along and Deliverance him?”

“Pretty much.”

“Your parents are going to murder you in your sleep. I don’t think they could take you while you’re awake, but still: you’re so freakin’ dead.”

“……”

I slam on the brakes, turn the car around, and head back to see if there was anything left of Stuart or his ego.

When we get there, we can’t even see Stuart on the road, and the darkfall with no moon or street lights didn’t help.

“Oh fuck. He’s dead.” Was all that Jason could say.

We sat there for a few seconds before I rolled down the window and yelled for him to get his punk ass in the car, at which point he bounded out of the brush on the side of the road like some scrawny, white bushman. He apparently had hidden in the brush because he saw and heard a rowdy bunch of rednecks coming down the road in a pickup, and realized that this was a good time to start being neither seen nor heard.

The rest of the way home was the longest period of time that I’ve ever heard Stuart quiet, even to this very day. He didn’t say shit for the rest of the night and was even good the next day too. But 2 days later he was a douche again.

D

See Big, Dumb American run. Run, Big, Dumb American, run!

The odometer to the right is to help me keep track of how I’m doing when I go running, and also to help me keep it going. My initial reason was that if I was dumb enough to keep putting it up there, I’d have to keep up with it so that I didn’t look like an artard or a lazy ass bum. Basically, I’m trying to shame myself into more running.

I think I actually ganked this idea from somebody back in the day. The Princess Hiker, maybe? I’m just ready to do it now though.

It won’t get updated every day, as I won’t be running every day. Hopefully it’ll be about every other day, or at least Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are for using that frickin elliptical that’s in my apartment. And of course there’s already a monkey wrench in the plan, as I have to work late tonight and won’t be able to run. So I guess I’ll have to make it up sometime else.

And technically; yes, I think that it’s supposed to be “pedometer”, but I liked “odometer” better. So that’s that.

D

Release the hounds!

So I got a kick ass Christmas check this year and have gone ahead and earmarked it for… wait for it… a new laptop! And that’s where I need your help. Well, your recommendations at least.

I’m currently eyeing the Apple MacBook and possibly a Sony Vaio, but I don’t want to rule out the old Dells or HPs.

So if you know what direction I should be looking in to check email, read and post on the Interweb, watch porn, burn cds/dvds, and maybe a little bit of gaming; let me know. I think I need all the help I can get.

D

I don't know what it is...

But I want it.




Sweet Jesus I love Bruce Campbell. The Old Spice however, not so much.

D

I put the “dic” in “prediction”

Man, it’s a good thing that I didn’t bet any money, take any sort of pride in, or have a sense of accomplishment in my bowl game predictions because I suck ass at it. I think I actually get progressively worse every year. Like I have some degenerative disease that’s just eroding my analytical skills. Or I’m drinking too much.

This year’s final tally: 17-15. That’s 2 games over .500 and a whopping 53% winning percentage. Enough to get me fired from pretty much any coaching position in any sport on any level. Or killed if I coached soccer in a South American country.

And thus ends another season of college football. I’ll miss you College Gameday Live from everywhere other than Statesboro, USC Song Girls that cheer at the wrong time and show their nice asses on national TV, rooting for any team that plays UGA on Saturday and betting that they’ll probably lose their bye week too, asking on Sunday how the tailgate that I was at for 8 hours was because I got too drunk to remember (again), and especially you John David Booty. Heh heh heh…”Booty”.

Sigh. Oh well, time now to move on to college basketball. But hey, only about 2 months before I get to showcase my skills and pick the NCAA Tournament. I can’t wait to have my Fantastic Final Four turn into the Defenders again…

D

Tigger layeth the smacketh down

After years of of mental and verbal abuse from both Pooh and Christopher Robin, Tigger could no longer hold in his rage...

Paws of fury.

Ahhhh, that’s good stuff.

D

It’s a moral imperative that I see this movie.

What?!?! I’m just now finding out about this?!?!

Kilmer plans Genius return

Good, God I loved “Real Genius”. Loved? Wait, no. That should be “love”. No… that should be “fucking, absolutely LOVE”. I still stop and watch it every time I see that it’s on nowadays. Without fail.

So I just about wet myself when I saw that Val Kilmer is trying to do more comedies, and specifically, wants to go back and do a follow up to “Real Genius”. And it had very little to do with the fact that I really had to go to the bathroom anyways. My peeing myself, not Kilmer’s decision. My juju in Hollywood isn’t that strong yet.

Man o man. This is gonna mean more to me than Snakes on a Plane ever did.

D

Verizon. They never stop working for me.

It's 2007 and I may still not have my flying car, teleporter, mech suit, rocket pack, holo-deck or any of that other crap I was promised long ago by cartoons, TV and movies; but at least Verizon is still trying to come up with something to tide me over until I can get what I really want.

Live TV set for Verizon cell phones

Now if someone could just come up with a Replicator in the meantime, I'd wait a little more patiently on that mech suit.

D

Not dead...

Just a busy beaver. (13 1/2 hours Tues, 9 1/2 hours Wed, and still here at 7:00 Thurs.)

I've got a few things in the works, if I can ever find the time to sit down and write & post them.

Sorry to the Interweb fans of the show.

D

I got 2 words for ya...

Merry Christmas.

D

Unwrap your presents with care...

Actually watched SNL last week for the first time in forever and got to see this. It was funnier then because I was hammered, but at least now you can see it uncensored.




I'd rather have a chick in a box.

D

Tales of Dickery: Stuart and the Feat of Strength

Stuart has done some stupid things since I’ve known him. And to be honest, I’ve done more than my fair share too. But mine don’t end up getting blogged about. Well, at least not by him anyways…

Stuart and the Feat of Strength
We were sitting on the couch watching TV (why do these all start like an episode of Beavis and Butthead?) when we got into an argument about something (something dumb, I’m sure). Stuart claimed to be better at something and then followed it up with a “he could kick my ass.”

Instead of actually getting into a fight and pummeling the ever living shit out of him, and then getting grounded for it; I decided to prove that I also had the better mental faculties to boot. So I challenged him to a make-shift Feat of Strength.

I told him to take his right hand and put it in my right hand, like we were helping each other up. We would stand across from each other and pull towards ourselves and whoever pulled the other over won bragging rights.

Stuart was still younger and smaller, and also dumber, so there was no way he could win. But he was really fired up and I let him believe he could for a few seconds as we started.

He pulled and pulled and I made a face that was supposed to look like I was struggling, but probably really looked like I was wrestling with a massive deuce. So he pulled and pulled, and I just started smiling. Before he realized what was going on and could stop… I let go.

And he punched himself square in the face, knocking himself to the floor.

Ahhhh… I’m rewinding those precious moments and watching them over and over in my mind right now.

The first words, not corrupted by laughter, out of my mouth were something like “Hey, I didn’t touch you. That was all you.”

As I helped him off the floor, I told him “You know that was really a tie ‘cause the grip was broken. You wanna try it again to see who wins?”

He politely declined, well as polite as “Fuck you” can be, and went looking for ice. I totally got in trouble for that, but it was worth it. It so was because I’m still enjoying it right now.

*whack!*

Ahhhh…that’s good stuff.

D

Bowl-a-rama!

I’d like this set of picks to be as fun as last year’s was to make, but that took an incredible amount of research and goofing around on the Internet. Actually, the research was an incredible amount. The goofing around was a legendary amount. But that’s neither here nor there.

This year’s picks won’t have the benefit of being able to link to hot chicks that play a school’s mascot or anything, it’ll just be what I know off the top of my head or gather from ESPN. And it’ll probably be just a plain ol’ pick, with possible commentary if I just can’t help myself. Here we go…

Dec. 19
Poinsettia, ESPN2 8 p.m., TCU (7-5) vs. Northern Illinois (10-2)

Dec. 21
Las Vegas, ESPN 8 p.m., Oregon (7-5) vs. BYU (10-2)

Dec. 22
New Orleans, ESPN 8 p.m., Troy (7-5) vs. Rice (7-5)

Dec. 23
Armed Forces, ESPN 8 p.m., Utah (7-5) vs. Tulsa (8-4)

New Mexico, ESPN 4:30 p.m., New Mexico (6-6) vs. San Jose St. (8-4)

PapaJohns.com, ESPN2 1 p.m., East Carolina (7-5) vs. South Florida (8-4)
When the Golden Bulls were playing (and beating) West Virginia, I told someone: “You know, they don’t win a lot of games; but they do win the big ones.” This’ll be another of those big wins for South Florida.

Dec. 24
Hawaii, ESPN 8 p.m., Arizona State (7-5) vs. Hawaii (10-3)

Dec. 26
Motor City, ESPN 7:30 p.m., C. Michigan (9-4) vs. Middle Tenn. (7-5)

Dec. 27
Emerald, ESPN 8 p.m., Florida State (6-6) vs. UCLA (7-5)

Dec. 28
Holiday, ESPN 8 p.m., Texas A&M (9-3) vs. California (9-3)
Oh this one sucks. 2 evenly matched 9-3 teams? I’d say that it a pick ‘em, but I have to actually pick one here don’t I? Fine. How about… Cal.


Texas, NFL Net. 8 p.m., Rutgers (10-2) vs. Kansas State (7-5)
The Scarlet Knights will be out to prove that they were worth all the talk that they got for the majority of the season. Unfortunately, it’s the Texas Bowl and no one’s gonna give a damn.

Independence, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Oklahoma State (6-6) vs. Alabama (6-6)

Dec. 29
Champs Sports, ESPN 8 p.m., Purdue (8-5) vs. Maryland (8-4)

Insight, NFL Net. 7:30 p.m., Minnesota (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
“No Maroney means Minnesota’s bologna.” Hmmm… sounds right but looks wrong. Probably what my prediction will be.

Liberty, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Houston (10-3) vs. South Carolina (7-5)
A 10-3 record and being Conference USA Champs isn’t enough to get past a Spurrier-coached South Carolina team that’s ready to stop under-performing.

Sun, CBS 2 p.m., Missouri (8-4) vs. Oregon State (9-4)
Heh heh… Beavers.

Music City, ESPN 1 p.m., Kentucky (7-5) vs. Clemson (8-4)

Dec. 30
Chick-fil-A, ESPN 8 p.m., Virginia Tech (10-2) vs. Georgia (8-4)
So many things to say about UGAy. And they’re all bad. Instead, I’ll just say that VA Tech will be firing on all cylinders for offense, defense and Beamer’s special teams; and there’s not a whole hell of a lot that UGA will be able to do about it. Because they suck.

Alamo, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Texas (9-3) vs. Iowa (6-6)
Texas is gonna be pissed that they’re playing in the Alamo Bowl instead of playing for the BCS Title like they thought they would a few months ago. They can be pissed all they want but it’s their own fault for screwing up 3 times this year and relegating themselves here.

Meineke Car Care, ESPN2 1 p.m., Boston College (9-3) vs. Navy (9-3)
Heart says Navy. Head says BC. The coin tosses have it: BC it is.

Dec. 31
MPC Computers, ESPN 7:30 p.m., Nevada (8-4) vs. Miami (Fla.) (6-6)
You think Coker can coax one more win out of this team before he packs his bags and high-tails it out of Coral Gables? Me too.

Jan. 1
Fiesta, FOX 8 p.m., Oklahoma (11-2) vs. Boise State (12-0)
Damn. Another hard one. It’s size versus speed. And how good is Boise St. off the Smurf Turf? Guess it’s time to put ‘em on the table and pick… Oklahoma.

Rose, ABC 5 p.m., Southern Cal. (10-2) vs. Michigan (11-1)

Capital One, ABC 1 p.m., Arkansas (10-3) vs. Wisconsin (11-1)

Gator, CBS 1 p.m., Georgia Tech (9-4) vs. W. Virginia (10-2)
Reggie Ball. That’s all that needs to be said.

Cotton, FOX 11:30 a.m., Nebraska (9-4) vs. Auburn (10-2)

Outback, ESPN 11 a.m., Penn State (8-4) vs. Tennessee (9-3)

Jan. 2
Orange, FOX 8 p.m., Wake Forest (11-2) vs. Louisville (11-1)
I initially had Louisville, but have since changed my mind. I'll probably regret it.

Jan. 3
Sugar, FOX 8 p.m., LSU (10-2) vs. Notre Dame (10-2)
Let’s see if Notre Dame can put their money where their mouths are and play up to their potential against a team that seems to outmatch them.

Jan. 6
International, ESPN Noon, W. Michigan (8-4) vs. Cincinnati (7-5)
The “Who gives a shit Bowl” has been conveniently located in a city where they probably don’t give a shit.

Jan. 7
GMAC, ESPN 8 p.m., Southern Miss (8-5) vs. Ohio (9-4)

Jan. 8
BCS Title, FOX 8 p.m., Ohio State (12-0) vs. Florida (12-1)


This is gonna hurt.

D

Holiday Wish List

I’ve got my 2 front teeth, so here’s some of the other shit I want for Christmas…

A new job as a firefighter
An X-Box 360
The Southern Century
A digital camera
How I Met Your Mother: Season 1
Risk
Anything GSU
Transformers 20th Anniversary DVD
A laptop
A nice slip cover for the couch
To be the Derek that’s banging Jessica Biel
GSU Eagle head logo tattoo
A whole bunch of Golden Toe dress socks and XLT undershirts (Jesus, I really am getting old.)
Whirled peas
A threesome with Kate Beckinsale and Keira Knightly

What? The threesome? It’s no more wishful thinking than some of the others at this point, so let me have my dreams. Let me have my dreams I said!!!

D

Hiatus Schmiatus

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The leaves have turned color, birds have migrated, girls have put away their skirts and short shorts (for the most part), and my shows are going on hiatus leaving me with tons of unanswered questions like:

-Who are the other 5 cylons?
-Is Peter Petrelli really the bomb to blow up New York?
-What in the hell happened to the U.S. outside the town of Jericho?
-How will Jordan respond to Danny’s love bombshell?
-Will Kate, Sawyer and Jack escape the Others?
-Do I really even care about Lost anymore?
-How bad is Smallville’s incarnation of the Justice League gonna suck?
-How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

I must know!!!

But instead of answers; I get re-runs, mid-season fill-in shows, mini-series (mini-serieses? mini-serii?) and a whole bunch of other filler that will help keep my life as meaningless and trivial as usual:

-Bowl games
-college basketball
-the possibility of good mid-season replacement shows
-the inevitable “mini-series events” that’ll crop up
-scores of bad television movies (I’m looking at you, SciFi Channel)
-a handful of Georgia Southern home basketball games
-my chili cooking
-a few “accidental” drunks on the couch
-a new video game or 2

I guess to say that I won’t be spending just as much time stretched out on the couch with my first 2 loves (that’d be the TV and beer) would probably just be an outright lie and we all know it. So, instead I’ll just say that I’ll probably be on the couch just as much; but slightly bitter, less enamored and possibly drunker.

It’s somewhat a hollow victory, I know.

D

Tales of Dickery

A little while ago I had a random memory of something funny (at least I thought it was funny) that I did to my step-brother Stuart when we were younger. And then I had another. And another. And for some reason, I just felt the need to write them down…

And in all fairness, I was doing this to my step-brother (and he wasn’t even that at that point); so this really can’t be looked upon as real dickery. It was family business.

Who knew being a dick could be so much fun?

Stuart Spices Up His Schnoz
We were watching a cartoon and they did the whole “black pepper makes you sneeze” bit. So he asked me if that actually worked. I wanted to see if he’d actually try it, so I said “yes”. He promptly went into the kitchen but came back with something other than black pepper.

“We don’t have any of the black kind, but we have this flaky red stuff.”

“Oh. Well, that works even better.” I said.

So the little bugger pours some of the pepper out into his hand and begins to snort it like Rick James on holiday. It takes just a few seconds for everything to register with him and he begins to scream his head off. I kid you not, I actually thought he was going to pull his nose off and throw it at me.

Amidst all the screaming, crying and my laughing; I heard him ask what he was supposed to do.

“Flush it out with water.” Was the sage advice I gave him. I mean it sounded like a good idea at the time.

So the little retard goes into the kitchen and leans in under the faucet…upside down. I stood there in the kitchen and watched him half drown himself in the kitchen sink thinking that I could have made less of a mess by flushing him out with a garden hose. But I guess it worked. With the sheer amount of water that was going all over him and the kitchen and down his throat, some of it had to actually go through his nasal passages at some point.

A couple of pounds on the back to clear him out, a few wet towels and some dry clothes later; and we were back on the couch watching TV again. Understandably, Stuart was a little hesitant to ask me about stuff on TV being true after that.

I never could convince him to try the banana peel bit or that stepping on a rake doesn’t hurt at all….

D

Boogity boogity boogity!

We’re goin’ racin’! Well, running actually. Weeell, more like jogging to be honest. Fine, plodding along like Mudman if you really want to get specific about it.

In addition to the chili cook-off that was held Thursday, there was also a 5K Reindeer Race through downtown as well. And that is to mean that you run for 5 kilometers, not that there were 5,000 reindeer running through downtown Statesboro. Although, that’d be frickin sweet.

Anyhoo, there was a 5k race, and I didn’t run in it. I didn’t feel really prepared for it since I only found out about it the week before and I hadn’t done as much running as I’d liked due to work and other crapola. That, and I wanted to concentrate on my chili eating. Let nothing get in the way of my chili eating. Unless it’s my beer drinking.

But I did find out about several other 5K races in and around the ‘Boro in the next couple of months. And I’ve gone ahead and made the partially serious commitment to myself to run in them, or at least some of them. And by “partially serious commitment”, I mean that I put them on my calendar. That’s about the extent of it. The making of a rock-solid commitment would require me registering for them and also paying the registration fee. Which every time I think about paying them, I hear Chris’ voice in my head saying “Why the fuck would you pay to run? That’s fucking clown shoes.” (Yes, in my head Chris likes to use the term “clown shoes” as often as he can.)

And that’s pretty much one of the biggest things keeping me from making the commitment. No, not hearing Chris say “That’s fucking clown shoes” , it’s the paying thing. And what exactly am I paying for? Mostly a t-shirt. And some free Gatorade. Oh, and that little piece of paper that’ll have my number on it so they can identify my body when they find it on the side of the road several hours later. Hell, I can make my own t-shirt (“The 1st Annual SBDA 5K Plod & Hurl!”), and just run until I pass out in an area where someone that finds me will know to wake me up by pouring beer on me.

But I’ve always wanted to run one. Not to win it, because there’s absolutely no way in Hades that I could. But just to run and finish it and to say “You know what? I did that. Fuck yeah!” Kinda like after banging a hot girl. And ironically I would have to call Chris after both.

So, right now I’m at the “partially serious” phase, and I’ll see where I stand (financially and conditioning) after a couple of weeks of running. Then I’ll be in a better position to gage if I can really go and test myself and how much of an ass I’ll make of myself in the process.

D

Update:
After discovering that 5K isn't as far as I thought (I was thinking 4 miles instead of the 3.2 that it is), I realized that I currently run farther than that when I go now. But, being the massive fan of hyperbole that I am, I refuse to go back and change anything in this post.

“C” is for chili, that’s good enough for me!

On a cold, Winter night; there’s very few (non-sexual) things that feel as good or warm you up as much as eating a bowl of chili.

But when you don’t have a bowl of chili, between 15 and 20 tiny cups full of it and handfuls of saltine crackers will have to suffice. Especially if some of those cups are full of some good, spicy Fire Department chili. Those guys can make some mean chili.

My first chili cook-off ended up being a rousing success. The only thing that it was missing was copious amounts of beer. Sobriety aside; it was still good to be out, see some friends (Merritt, Jake & Turner), cheer on some runners, bite my tongue to avoid telling kids there was no Santa, and (most importantly) eat some free chili.

There were about 10 entries total, and I’d say that it was split pretty evenly: the top 5 were really good and the bottom 5 were absolutely horrible. And not horrible as in bad tasting. But horrible as in really having no taste at all or just being way too runny like a soup.

The 2 best (for me anyways) were what seemed to be a barbeque sauce based chili (we guessed KC Masterpiece) and the SFD’s good-&-hot-but-not-too-hot, thick chili. The worst was definitely Larry’s Giant Subs’ chili, which that had the most promise of all. It had big chunks of meat, veggies and beans; but had almost no taste at all. I was almost mad that it came up so short.

And I did get some good laughs from volunteers, judges and contestants when they saw that I brought Hank and Alfonse along with me. I was hoping to garner some sort of “biggest chili fan” award, but no such luck. And poor Alfonse didn’t even get to get in on the action. It was all Hank, that greedy little red & silver SOB.

If I could have run in the race before hand, the day/evening would've probably been a little bit better. And all the “you’re not running?” that I got really was enough to make me want to do it next year to work up an appetite for some chili. Or throw up a bunch of chili later on, but whatever.

So until next year’s Holiday Chili Cook-off, I’ll keep the chili posts to a minimum. Or at least until I find out about another cook-off.

D

Do the Japanese make chili?

While I was writing up my declaration of war on some chili, I remembered an email that I got once; and a coworker swore that she pictured me the whole time she read it. I think if you did sub me in there for that poor bastard, it’d be like SBDA put on its own chili cook-off. “Oooh look! Big, Dumb American about to eat our special wasabi chili! He gonna burn!”

So here’s that Texas Chili Cook-off email, but I’ve lovingly replaced the guy’s name with my own. Maybe that’ll make it a little funnier for you guys to think of me going through this.

-------

Derek : "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Miller Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Derek) -- Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

------

Both Hank and Alfonse (just in case) are patiently waiting in the car, ready to sample as much chili as possible. I can't freakin' wait. I better not be disappointed...

D

Dynasty

One entry found for dynasty.
Main Entry: dy·nas·ty
Pronunciation: 'dI-n&-stE also -"nas-tE, especially British 'di-n&-stE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 : a succession of rulers of the same line of descent
2 : a powerful group or family that maintains its position for a considerable time
3 : The University of North Carolina Tar Heels Women’s Soccer Team

-----
To paraphrase Coach Dean Smith: “The University of North Carolina isn’t a men’s basketball school… it’s a women’s soccer school.”

The Lady Tar Heels won their 18th National Championship against Notre Dame on Sunday, which is approximately 16 more than their nearest competitor… Notre Dame. That’s Carolina's 18th championship in the 25-year history of the Women's College Cup. To further drive the point home, that’s 72%. I’d say that qualifies as a dynasty.

Congrats, ladies.

D

Everything’s better with chili

All last week I kept hearing a commercial (no XM in the rental monster truck) for a chili cook-off and flag football tournament in Savannah. And I remember thinking: “Oh, man I love chili….” I also remember thinking: “Damn. Why doesn’t Statesboro ever have a chili cook-off? This blows!”

But not all chili-eating hope is lost. That very afternoon after I claimed that it blew, I received an email with an attachment that said the ‘Boro would indeed be having a chili cook-off of its own.

Thursday will be the 2nd annual Chili Cook-Off Competition in the annual downtown Holiday Celebration. And I will be there. More importantly, I will be there with my very own, trusted chili spoon (his name is Hank). That spoon and I have been through many a bowl of chili together, and quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather share a bowl of chili with. Except Jessica Biel.

They’re gonna have categories for: Overall Best Chili, People’s Choice, Meat, Veggie, With Beans, No Beans, & Best Restaurant Chili. And if I feel so inclined, I might just review them myself. And, the chili gods willing, I might be able to volunteer to be a judge. That might be the culmination of my life right there. And I’m actually fine with that.

So if anyone cares to join me Thursday shortly after 5:00, give me a call. Hank and I will be glad to let you tag along. And if you play your cards right, you may even get to use Alfonse- Hank’s identical, yet Latin, brother.

D

Settin’ ‘em up & knockin’ ‘em down

That’s right, I’m talking about bowling. Well, more like Bowl-ing anyways.

It’s just about time to start printing off the list of Bowl games & participants, busting out the highlighter, and then agonizing over whether a struggling 7 win team can beat a slightly-less struggling 8 win team. And coin tosses. Lots of coin tosses. Oh, and of course my picking against UGA even if they end up playing the worst team that happens to get a bid to play in the Toilet Bowl.

This Sunday the selections will all be made official and that means Monday I will probably be useless at work. More so than usual. And speaking of useless, that'll probably pretty much sum up my attempts at picking the majority of the winners this year. Pretty much the same as last year. And the year before. And all the preceding years before that. But hey, at least I’m consistent.

So deodorize your rental cleats and polish off your balls, we’re going Bowling.

D

Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia

http://www.georgiasouthern.edu/centennial/

A Proclamation
GEORGIA SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY DAY

WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern University was founded December 1, 1906, as First District Agricultural and Mechanical School; and
WHEREAS:
This establishment has continuously adapted its mission to meet the needs of the citizens of Georgia as Georgia Normal School, South Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Southern College, and, presently, Georgia Southern University; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is a Carnegie Doctoral Research University and one of the largest, most comprehensive public universities in all of South Georgia; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern has served as a positive economic and social force, bettering the lives of the citizens of our state. This university has committed itself to a future of innovative and energetic public service in the greatest tradition of higher education; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is now beginning a year-long celebration of its first century of service; now
THEREFORE:
I, SONNY PERDUE of the state of Georgia, do hereby proclaim December 1, 2006, as Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia.

In witness thereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the Executive Department of be affixed this first day of November in the year of our Lord two thousand six.

Sonny Perdue
Governor
-------

Well, Sonny got one thing right.

D

This is upgrading?

Dropped this off to get fixed:

<-- Ye, olde Vue








Thought I'd get this as the rental:

<-- El Sentra






Ended up getting this as the "upgrade":










<-- Big, friggin' huge Titan










Not exactly what I had in mind. But it's different. Haven't really decided if I like it or not yet though. I'll give it another day or so.

D

Where’s “What’s up, doc?”

TV Land has compiled its list of the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”, and reading through it is like a Who’s Who of all the “people” who helped baby-sit and raise me over the years. It’s also a little scary to look at this and realize that it’s half of my lexicon. Ok, it’s more than a little scary.

In alphabetical order, TV Land's list:

_"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
_"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
_"Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)
_"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
_"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
_"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
_"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
_"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
_"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
_"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
_"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
_"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
_"Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
_"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
_"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
_"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
_"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
_"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
_"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
_"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
_"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
_"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
_"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
_"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
_"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
_"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
_"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
_"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
_"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
_"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
_"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
_"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
_"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
_"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
_"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")
_"I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
_"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
_"I'm Rick James, bitch!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
_"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
_"It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
_"It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)
_"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
_"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
_"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
_"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
_"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
_"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
_"Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
_"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
_"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
_"Norm!" ("Cheers")
_"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
_"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
_"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
_"One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)
_"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
_"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
_"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
_"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
_"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
_"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
_"Smile, you're on `Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")
_"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
_"Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
_"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
_"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
_"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
_"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
_"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
_"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
_"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
_"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
_"This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
_"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
_"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
_"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
_"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Welcome to the O.C., bitch" (Luke, "The O.C.")
_"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
_"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
_"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
_"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
_"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
_"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
_"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
_"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
_"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
_"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
_"Yeah, that's the ticket" ( Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
_"You look mahvelous!" ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
_"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
_"You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show")
-------------

“Suit up!”? That actually made it into the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”? I mean, really? And something like “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” didn’t? What about “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener…” or “Cause Stone Cold said so!”? Those didn’t cut it?

But what do I know? I’m the guy who would’ve suggested they put in “Who wears short shorts?”

D

I demand respect for using the word "lexicon".

Best. Channel. Ever.

As I mentioned after going to the Transplant’s wedding, Tuscaloosa has the best channel ever:

“Traffic Channel”!

I kid you not. It’s that damned good.

The screen cycles through 4 different traffic cameras around the city, shows a Doppler screen with current weather, and also offers up the Homeland Security Threat Warning color level too.

But it’s the traffic cams that make it. You’d never think sitting there watching traffic would be so entertaining. But I assure you, it is. So much so, that it was the only thing that Yogus and I watched all Friday, part of Saturday, and one last time on Sunday before we left.

We sat there trying to track cars through the screens, busted out the map to figure out where the intersections were, and yelled at each other about how you can’t just pick the white truck to follow because half of them are white. We also toyed with the idea of trying to make a banner and hang it over the bridge in front of one of the cams, but decided against it. Just think how funny a sign that says “Even people in Alabama think VanGorder should be fired!” would be.

Then came the bright idea to bring Traffic Channel to the ‘Boro. Northland Cable would have the biggest hit ever. At least for the first couple of weeks until it’s taken off the air because of all the accidents; Chinese fire drills; excessive nudity; and blatant disregard for any federal, state, local or FCC laws. But it would be pure, absolute gold until then.

We also thought about replacing the elevator musak that they had with our own live DJs who could take calls and emails, and do a little play by play for the drive times. But then we kept running into all the violations again. Maybe we should see if HBO or Showtime would pick it up…

Sadly, we screwed ourselves on our best idea when forgot to tape 6 hours worth of Traffic Channel to bring back to show everyone just how damned wonderful watching 4 static cameras can be. It could have been passed around and had copies made just like that tape in The Ring, except this tape gets you wasted instead of dead.

D

Christmas comes early

And from Britney Spears no less...



Britney To Give Away Sex Tape?

When? When damnit?!

D

As close to “Pimp My Ride” as I’ll probably ever get

Went to see the claims adjuster this morning to see what all the damage was gonna total up to. Not that I really cared all that much because The Gecko is gonna pay for it, and I will incur no expense. At least, I better not.

After parts and labor, they’re looking at dropping about $2,300 bucks to replace the bumper, some safety features and the tailgate/hatch door/whatever the hell that thing is. The guy even factored in a $6 “VUE” logo on the back since he said those things crack easily when trying to remove them.

They’re even providing me with a rental car for the 5 days or so that I’ll be sans Grimlock. I just have to call them tomorrow to make sure that there will be something available for me when I drop it off on Monday. I hope it’s something cool and sporty. But I’ll probably end up with a stupid Ford Taurus, or better yet, a frickin’ Focus.

The claims adjuster was really nice and even asked me if he thought they were speedy enough during the whole process or if anything could have been done differently. Not having any prior accident experience, I told him that I didn’t have anything to compare it to; but everything went smoothly enough for me. The fact that it was drivable and made it to and from Tuscaloosa was enough to pacify me really.

While it sucks that I’m not gonna get to make any money off this, it’s a relief to know that I’m really not having to do a whole hell of a lot in order to get this all done. Or spend any money. Sweet.

D

Slutty Pumpkins, Not Mobys, & Pineapples Oh My!

How I Met You Mother: Season 1 is now available on DVD.

If you’ve never watched this show, you’re severely depriving yourself. With Scrubs not back on the air just yet, I maintain that this is probably the funniest (if not the best) half-hour on television right now. Dare I say it? I do… even more so than My Name is Earl or The Office. There. I said it.

I’ll just add this to the Library of Congress-sized list of the TV on DVD sets that I want.

D

"Will drink for Internet!"

I feel really disconnected from the Internet, like I don’t have a clue as to what’s going on anywhere. Back in the pre-Internet Embargo days, I knew about everything that was going on. Sports, comics, TV, movies, news, etc… You name it, I probably knew more about it than you did, or at least knew about it a little earlier. But now, I’m lucky if I know what I’m doing 10 minutes from now.

Every time I get on the computer now, I really probably only have about 30 minutes of activity. And it’s all usually after work and before I go running or do errands. So I pretty much go to the same places every time, however briefly. It’s really neither quality nor quantity.

Today’s the first day I’ve been able to actually have some quality time with my beloved Interweb, and yet I keep freezing up. I guess I’m like a kid in a candy store or me in a liquor store: too many options and my brain overloads, so I just stand there looking at the same bottle of Beam for 15 minutes. I’m just not used to it any more.

I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again now (and I’ll probably say it again in the future): I need to get a computer.

Here's hoping that I stumble upon a great deal on a laptop, and actually find myself in the 21st century.

D

Welcome to Thunderdome

VS

Yes, as some of you may have heard (or seen on ESPN2 or Sportscenter), my beloved Eagles went into Cameron and took on those dispicable Dook Blue Devils.

The held their own in the first half and gave those Crazies a little bit of a scare. But in the 2nd half it got away from us, and Duke did what Duke does and went and put us away.

I'm just proud as shit that Georgia Southern played as well as they did, for as long as they did. And if that effort was any indication of things to come this season, then I'll be a happy Eagle for the rest of the season.

The next big opponent for the Eagles: Illinois.

Go Eagles!

D

No Runaway Bride this time...

I spent the past weekend in Tuscaloosa for The Transplant’s wedding. And I’m really trying my best to remember everything that went on, but the fact that I drank like a friggin’ fish for most of the time doesn’t help a ton. I may require a little assistance from The Blonde if she decides to chime in down under in the comments section.

Friday:
Left with Yogus for the 6 & ½ hour trek to Tuscaloosa at around 7:30 am in order to make sure we got there early and had time for everything. And Jesus am I glad that we did. A couple of the groomsmen were late (and missed the rehearsal) and I thought Michael’s head was gonna explode.

After 5 & ½ hours of hearing ESPN Radio talking about Rutgers (I hate Rutgers now), Yogus and I get to the hotel, check in, sift through the gift bag, find the tiny bottle of wine, and proceed to do a 2 person wine toss. Funny yes, but barely enough to whet our whistle.

Skip past the 2 groomsmen-shy rehearsal and dinner, and we land at what could be the last Middleground show ever. 2 hours and change later and the guys have sufficiently rocked the taints right off everyone in the whole damned bar. And I’m still sober. Yep, I managed to make it through an entire Middleground show sober. Well, sober for me anyways. And only because I ended up getting hosed and becoming the guy who gets to load all the equipment into his car and make sure it gets back to the hotel. Awesome.

After a last beer at the bar, Yogus and I manage to find a gas station that wasn’t closed for cleaning between the hours of 2 and 4, and I get some beer to drink at the hotel. A few minutes of watching the best channel in the world (I’m saving that for its own post) later, and we head down to drink and have some cigarettes outside. We talked the security guard into letting us sit out there for a half hour. 2 and a half (and all the beer later), and we call it a night.

Saturday:
We’re supposed to be somewhere for pictures at 1:30. 1:30! We dragged our asses out of bed around 12, mostly due to Michael’s incessant calling (he was none too pleased when I told him we were up ‘til 5am). We make our way to the University Club for pictures (on time too) and then get to play the waiting game. For like an hour. Photographer shows up, we take the pictures, and then all the groomsman not related to Avant haul ass to the hotel bar to get a beer and watch as much of the Georgia Southern – Furman game as we can before we have to be at the church. Stupid bar wasn’t open, so we run upstairs to watch a few minutes and then head over.

Ushering goes like a semi-orchestrated train wreck, I don’t trip on the way down, the flower girl uses maybe 15 petals out of the entire bucket, the ring bearer plays with a needle most of the time and probably had to go to the bathroom the entire time, both Michael and Lydia actually say “I do”, Michael almost cries, no one wins the bet because we all bet he would, I kinda snicker when I hear that he’s written some of his own vows, the Unity candle actually lights, The Blonde cries again while reading her spiel, I don’t trip and take the assigned bridesmaid with me, and everything goes okey dokey. That was the wedding.

The Reception was, well, a reception. Lots of beer, lots of making fun of people, lots of me not dancing, Yogus and I rearranging the replica GSU National Championship flags on the Groom’s cake in chronological order, doing dirty things with the veggie table, all of the groomsmen almost starting a Tuscaloosa chapter of the Eagle Club after we ran into an alum out there, and a few other hazy things.

But it was getting all kinds of wasted (doing nothing but shots) at the hotel bar in this classy outfit that really made my night. Well, other than the wedding.



That is nothing but class right there.

Sunday:
Got to brunch to try and soak up as much of the booze as I could so we could make another Homeward Bound-esque trip. Said goodbyes and congratulations and headed off. Got back without incident, picked up the Future Overlord, and finally unpacked. Then I proceeded to drink all the beer and liquor in the house until I ran out at 3 in the morning. I may have a problem.

All I wanna know now is, who’s getting married next?

D


Dirty veggies.

Grimlock takes one in the tailpipe

Okey dokey. First there was “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

And I didn’t think it could get much more aggravating than that. Well, I didn’t want any more aggravation than that, so I decided to avoid all the waiting and other non-pleasantries that would accompany voting and I just said “Fuck it”. I know. I’m a bad American. It’s cool though. I’ll just get adopted by the Japanese (and I’d be a giant over there too!).

Anyways, I skipped voting and went home to eat and get ready to take the Future Overlord to Tommy & Kelley’s to get him acclimated over there since Kelley will be watching him this weekend. But before I left I remembered that I needed to take X3 back to the store as to avoid having to pay a late fee and spending more money the most “Meh”-worthy movie I can recall seeing. So I decided to drop it off on the way instead of going straight over.

“Dear Loki,
Why didn’t I just take it back afterwards? Oh, yeah. Because I’m on “Screw Big, Dumb American!” that’s why. Damnit.”

So I drop off the movie, head on over to Tommy & Kelley’s, and then comes the coup de grace of the day:

Getting rear ended like a prisoner on Oz.

It’s nothing real bad though. Grimlock just got a few flesh wounds. Take a look:

I was just sitting there at a red light, minding my own business, and probably thinking of something random and useless; when *WHAM!* Stuff starts flying forward, I thought the dog was gonna join me up front, and I got knocked out of my flip flops.

The first thing I did after putting the hazard lights on was get out and check on the dog, then the damage, and then see how bad the other car was. The lady that hit me creamed her little PT Cruiser. There was a fire in the engine and everything. I would have thought it cooler except for all the smoke billowing into the car via the let down windows for Brody.

It took all of about a minute for a cop to show up as he was about 50 yards away writing someone a ticket on the side of the road. And the whole thing really didn’t last but maybe 10-15 minutes as he gathered all the info and then let me go since my car was still in good condition to drive. Hers? Not so much. She had to be towed.

Later, on the way home, I just thought that if something else happened to me that night, on the way home or afterwards, I was gonna lose it and end SBDA a little prematurely. But then I remembered that I’d be missing a lot of good TV, so there went that empty threat.

I know it could have been a lot worse. I do. I just don’t know why the Japanese find it so damned funny to consistently piss me off. I guess I’m their live-action version of Homer Simpson or something.

D

Big, Dumb American and the Next to Last Crusade

I need to get off this damned show. It’s killing me ever-so slowly with days like yesterday that are chock-full of suckiness.

First was a trip to the doctor’s office for a quick check-up/exam. I was in and out in an hour, so not so bad really. Could have done without the $30 co-pay though. Then came the trip to get the medicine which tested my patience to its limits. I’m now referring to this as “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

Went to Eckerd’s, which is 2 buildings up from the doctor’s office, because they’re usually pretty quick with the medicine and well, it’s really close to the doctor’s office. I walk up and ask if the prescription has been called in, but it hadn’t been. So I wait, make a few trips around the store, and skim half the newest Men’s Health for probably 20-something minutes before I go and ask them again. Still no joy. But they said they’d call to get it. Another few trips around the store and an imaginary shopping spree later, and they call me up to the desk to tell me that they don’t have 1 of the 2 needed ingredients. Fanfuckingtastic. So they want to know if I’d like to come back tomorrow to see if they have it (notice the “if”) or they can call over to somewhere else to try and get it filled today. I opt for option #2 so I can get the damned medicine that day (hopefully), and I head on over to Wal-Mart for the second part of “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

Ah, Wally World: one of the Earth’s best places to waste some time; along with Barnes & Noble, Target, Dos Primos, the organization aisle at Lowe’s (or Home Depot), and Tommy & Kelley’s house. But also one of man’s greatest enemies when it comes to trying not to spend money. Along with Dos.

A medium-lengthed jaunt through Wally World later, and I head over to the Pharmacy. It’s not ready. What a shocker. In order to avoid spending any more money than I’m about to, I park it on one of the benches in front of the Pharmacy. A short nap later and they begin with the Spanish Inquisition because I’ve never filled a prescription there before. When it’s ready, I ask why it’s in 2 bottles instead of the one it’s normally in. Apparently there’s been a mix up with the called-in order. Crappopotamous! So about another 10-15 minutes later, I have what damned well better be the medical equivalent of the water that Indiana Jones gave his father out of the Holy Grail in “The Last Crusade.” So, “Prescription Adventure ’06!” was over, and it only took a little over 3 hours.

Now, I’m sure that some of you are wondering why I didn’t just leave and come back later to pick up my prescription later on; and I’d just like to take a second to thank you for being a new reader to “Screw Big, Dumb American.” You see, as my faithful readers know and can attest: I’m a frickin’ idiot. That’s why the Japanese love me so much. That, and I’m not afraid of the physical comedy.

Ah, so. That’s the first part of the Double Whammy. And there I thought that was about as bad as it could get. And no, I didn’t actually say to myself “It can’t possibly get any worse.” That’s just an engraved invitation for SBDA to make something else happen. But apparently I don’t even have to say it anymore….

D

Lowered X-pectations

I finally got around to seeing X3: The Last Stand this weekend. And for some reason, I still don’t really know how I feel about it. I know for a fact that it was no where near as good as the first two, but I can’t really decide whether or not I liked it.

I mean, there were parts that I did really like (“Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”), and there were some parts that I either didn’t like or just found myself yelling out “lame!” or “oh, that’s bullshit!” Ok, so there were a lot of those last parts. Not to mention all the holes in the plot line and the “Why? Why would you do that?” moments.

But despite all those moments where I nerded out and yelled at the TV, I can’t just come out and say “That was a really bad movie and I really didn’t like it.” (I have Chris to do that for me.) Maybe it’s just like one of those run of the mill summer action movies that you see and don’t really invest a whole lot of anything in. Like something The Rock would be in. And it’s a shame that I’m referring to an X-Men movie like that.

I just wish that I had the chance to watch it again to really make up my mind. Unfortunately, it’s a 2 night rental and I don’t have the time to sit down and watch it again before I have to take it back.

I think that maybe if it’s on sale during the holidays I may pick it up, if only to complete the set. I mean, it can’t be any worse than some of the other crap DVDs I own right? Right?

D

And after seeing X3, I had a veritable “chicken or the egg” problem that I needed solved. I got this straight from IMDB:

“Cain Marko's line "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" was inspired by a popular web parody film that made use of scenes from "X-Men The Animated Series." Throughout the parody , the Juggernaut character repeatedly says, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch." According to the Wikipedia, Brett Ratner even has a link to this parody on his own website. (Whether or not the parody itself was inspired by a mis-heard line from an old X-Men video game is irrelevant to film's usage of this line, since it's clearly an homage to the web parody)”

Hanner Hooligans assemble!

Well, football season is effectively over now; with no shot at either a SoCon title or even a spot in the playoffs. About all I have left is to hope we win out, beat Vermin, and pray that we finish with a winning season. So basically, we’re just playing for pride and to really fuck somebody else over. And as much as I hate to start thinking about this in November, it’s just about time to start thinking about basketball.



It looks like we should hopefully have a good season on the hardwood, as we’re picked to finish 2nd in our division this year. The addition of several big men to an already strong and experienced roster, could have a thing or two to do with it. If this new 6’11” cat can play, then we’ll be looking at a really strong chance at the SoCon title and an auto-bid into the Big Dance. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or myself.

There’s a couple of chances to pull off major upsets, or to have our collective asses handed to us by some high profile teams: Illinois, Clemson, and possibly Dook (I mean, Duke) if we can win in their early season tourney. That game would be on ESPN2 by the way. Then of course there are the conference rivals and media darlings: Davidson and College of Charleston. Not an easy road there either.

But perhaps the biggest game of the season, with the usual division/conference title implications on the line (not to mention the raw hatred), will be the last game of the regular season against Charleston; which will be televised nationally on ESPN2 @ 1:00pm. And there’s no way in Hell that we want Charleston to come into Hanner and beat us on national TV. None.

So I’ve already started marking my calendar for the games that I’ll be at, and I’m already starting my prayers that Erin Andrews will be at Hanner for that last game so I can be just like my favorite Iowa fan. Mmmmm... Erin Andrews.

Chuck Farleston!

D