A memo from your future overlord:

Greetings,
I am the dog. Humans call me “Brody”, but you will soon bow to my true, canine name: Ragnar the Merciless, Destroyer of Worlds and Devourer of All Things. Never call me “Pooper.” Or “Smooshie.” I hate that, and you will die slowly for it. And the last thing you will ever see will be me eating your remote control. But I digress…

Beneath my furry, handsome exterior lies the heart and soul of a savage beast and future conqueror. I stand ever vigilant and always on the prowl for plastic bottles, treats, those elusive squirrels, stupid cats, and linoleum. Cross me, and be on the receiving end of my 100 lb fury. Especially, stupid cats.

My life, to both my human captor and the rest of the outside world, is a complete facade. I may appear docile, needy, eager to please, loveable, completely and utterly insane, or even lazy at times; but I assure you that is not the true me. When “The Big One” (as I call him) leaves my wretched, air conditioned and satellite television-having prison that he keeps me in; I devise plan after plan that would enable me to free my canine brethren and conquer this pitiful planet. Alas, none of these have yet to come to fruition because of a lack of:
A. an opposable thumb in which to open the door, or
B. a simple, fucking “doggy door”

Rest assured that when I can rectify either of these hindrances, I shall launch the first wave of my crusade. Stupid cats will die first.

So until that time when I, along with my brother and sister “canus superior”, am free; we shall endure future, humiliating “walkies”; be content to lick your plates and beg for scraps; restrain ourselves from humping anything and everything we want; and pretend that we cannot get enough of retrieving that stupid tennis ball that you keep throwing. However, in the meantime we shall take oh-so much evil pleasure in sticking our cold, wet noses where they do not belong; and licking you at the most inopportune of times. You have been warned.

Bow to me,
Ragnar the Merciless, Destroyer of Worlds and Devourer of All Things

P.S.
Cats are stupid.