“Free movie weekend.”
Thursday afternoon I got the email from Direct TV saying they were going to burden me with all the movie channels for free over the weekend. I didn’t think much of it, really. I just figured that I’d catch a few movies and continue on with my normal-type weekend. But then I went home and checked out what all was playing for 3 days and nights. And things took a turn for the worse…
When I got home from work Friday afternoon; I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to do it right. I mean, you can’t go into battle without ammunition. So I went and stocked up on what I knew I was going to need to help get me through the weekend: a shit-load of cheap beer and frozen pizzas. Yes, cheap beer and cheap frozen pizzas. Like I said: if I was gonna do it, I had to do it right. A case of Natty Light (which turned out to not be near enough really even with what I already had) and a handful of $0.79 frozen pizzas later, and I was sitting where I would spend almost all of the following two and a half days: the center cushion of the couch.
"No beer & too much Vin Diesel make Derek something, something..."
Going into the weekend, I had prepped for a battle. But I really should have prepped for it like a super-charged, heavyweight, endurance fight: 15 rounds of about 2 hours apiece. Yeah, 15 rounds. I watched 14 full length movies, plus whatever was on as a transition to the next movie I had scheduled. Plus the Simpsons and Family Guy Sunday night. And then something else after those were over.
What’d I watch? I’m glad you asked. No, seriously I am because I actually was smart enough to write them all down as I went. And let me tell you that the handwriting is fucking excellent on some of these. I’ve also taken the liberty of adding either a mini-review or my thoughts on each movie as I was watching it or finished watching it. Let me preface this with: Keep in mind that I was drinking almost the entire time, except Day 3. So these “reviews” may only stem from like 1 scene that I can remember.So I added the links to the IMDB descriptions for your and my benefit.
Day 1:
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle-
Seen it before but I had to watch it just for Neil Patrick Harris. He has my favorite scene in the whole movie when he goes by Harold and Kumar in Harold’s car snorting coke off a stripper’s ass. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to do that again? Um, I mean…
The Girl Next Door-
I really liked it. Porn, Elisha Cuthbert, porn stars, the guy who played Mickie the psycho killer in Scream 2, Raiden, and porn? What’s not to like?
The Pacifier-
This is the note that I wrote down next to this movie (if my translation is correct): “I lost more brain cells watching this than from all the beer I’ve drank so far.” Umm… Gary the Duck was funny.
Mindhunters-
Wow. From experience I know that it’s really hard to follow a thriller/mystery when you’re wasted. Luckily this movie sucked and wasn’t all that hard to follow to begin with. Never heard of it? I’m not surprised. The main stars of the movie were: Christian Slater, Johnny Lee Miller, Val Kilmer and LL Cool J. Hold on, looking at those “stars”, this movie should have been fucking great because of the amount that it sucked. Kind of like Snakes on a Plane. I guess that it was really about as good of an LL Cool J movie as you’re gonna get though.
Emmanuel in Space-
This one’s a bit fuzzy really. But it’s an “Emmanuel” movie, so you know that it’s a quality flick. And that would be sarcasm. But I do remember that it involved some time travel, which instantly means that it’s gonna suck. Nine time out of 10, when a movie involves time travel, it will suck. It’s a proven fact. Oh yeah? The Butterfly Effect. Take that! I know what you’re thinking though, and yes Back to the Future is the exception. Or any other time traveling movie involving Michael J Fox, Christopher Lloyd, a DeLorean, or anyone that was on Caroline in the City. Oh, and I do remember that Emmanuel may be one of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever laid eyes on. Mmmm… boobies.
Day 2:
Kicking & Screaming-
Umm… The kids? Funny. Will Ferrell? Not so much. But it did have Ditka.
Kung Fu Hustle-
I’m glad I watched this one early. All subtitles. And it is my official opinion that the Chinese are fucking nuts. But absolutely brilliant. I agree with Chris in that this is pretty much what I would imagine a Dragon Ball Z live-action movie would look like. Put some spikey hair on a few guys, paint some people green and voila, you’ve got a DBZ movie.
King Arthur-
Retrograde drinking amnesia. I just remember that Keira Knightly was hot when she was all painted up and using her bow & arrow. That and I think I actually said “Mr. Fantastic” almost every time Ioan Gruffold came onscreen as Lancelot. A semi-historical movie isn’t always the best to drink through…
The Bourne Supremacy-
Still intrigued by Matt Damon (“Maaaatt… Daaammonn”) as a kick-ass super spy. Still impressed at how big of a dick Brian Cox can be in movies. The attention span seriously shortens when drinking lots of beer and makes it hard to follow a spy movie and… ooh! Look at the doggie! Gotta stop and pet the dog! Hey, a car crash in this movie… (that was the thought process near the end of the movie. I think) And Julia Styles is always hot.
Batman Begins-
Can’t pass up the opportunity to watch the consummate Batman movie. Katie Holmes still sucked. Cillian Murphy still kicked ass.
War of the Worlds-
Meh. It just kinda faltered at the end for me. Like they ran out of story or money and just decided to wrap it up because Tom Cruise’s bullshit got too much for them. I dunno, maybe I was just too drunk to get some of it; but what was with the red vines and shit? Was that alien poop? And having Morgan Freeman wrapping it up instead of playing it out in the movie itself was a cheap out. Although Joakim Noah was in the movie…
Day 3 (kill me now):
The Chronicles of Riddick-
Whoa. 2 Vin Diesel movies in one weekend. I must have been subconsciously punishing myself for something. (Right now I was really wishing that I hadn’t drank all the beer already. That, and cursing Statesboro for its stupid blue laws.) They could have just changed the title and tagline to “Vin Diesel in Space” and it would have given you both a good idea of what the movie was about and also a review at the same time. Think about it: Vin Diesel. In space. There you go. Vin Diesel in Space’s saving grace? A hot chick. Go figure. Alexa Davalos was on Angel as Gewn too, so there you go.
Stealth-
Jessica Biel. That’s all I need to say. Well, that and Jamie Foxx dying was cool. Take that, Ray!
House of Wax-
Goddamnit. I was just foaming at the mouth when this one started ready to rip it apart for how bad it was. But fucking-A, it was actually really good. And Paris Hilton out-acted just about everyone else in the damned movie. That’s not saying a whole hell of a lot, but still. It really was a good horror movie. Still wish that I had beer to help ease the pain of the day though…
And that was all I could stand. BUT, I did set the VCR to record 2 movies when I went to bed, just just so I could capitalize on my productive weekend: Hostage and something else that will be a complete surprise when I watch it later, as I’ve forgotten what it was. I’ll try and do reviews later on. But for now, I gotta go. My head hurts.
D
5 comments:
Wow, that's about the most unproductive weekend I've ever heard about... that's another thing to put on the list of "will never do again" if you ever get married.
That's a pretty long list from what I've heard...
You got that right.
After Harold and Kumar this list went straight in the toilet.
What? You didn't like Batman Begins?!?! For shame, Paul. For shame.
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