Ophidiophobia

Had this happened closer to the release date of "Snakes on a Plane", I'd say this was one hell of a marketing ploy.

Snakes in a Car!!

And if it'd been Sam Jackson's car, I might have included a little something about "life imitating art" or something. But it wasn't. So I didn't.

D














Sith? No problem. Snakes? Problem.

24 beers in 8 hours, that's 3 an hour...yeah, I can do that.

25 reasons to serve alcohol at work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees to the work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

D

Do you guys deliver?

God bless the Gateway Grizzlies. Those miraculous bastards have come up with what could be my Holy Grail of food: "Baseball's Best Burger".

Bacon cheeseburger? Good. Krispy Kreme doughnuts? Gooood. Bacon cheeseburger & Krispy Kreme doughnuts together? I would welcome the Grim Reaper with open arms, then kick him in the junk so I could run back and get another one.

$4.50 to shave off a month and a half of my life? No problem. I'm sure my liver will kick in too, just so it can share some of its misery. "Ha ha! Fuck you, heart! Now it's your turn to do all of the work around here, you pompous ass!!"

However, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to make a 12 hour drive to Sauget, Illinois; so I guess I'll just have to try and persuade the Sand Gnats to start carrying this culinary masterpiece. Though if they do, and I can get my hands on one; well, that may just eclipse having my own sandwich named after me at Big Fella's Pizza, as my all-time greatest food achievement.

D

There's a fine line between pleasure and pain...

And Sam Jackson is gonna make me walk that damned line. And love it the whole motherfuckin' time.

Snakes on a Plane

I don't know why, but I can't wait. It looks so bad, I just... I just have to see it. And probably opening weekend too.

With all of the underground promotion and its over-the-top campiness, I can almost guarantee that this is just gonna make money hand over fist and have a HUGENORMOUS opening weekend. If not, something is seriously wrong with the movie going public. Well, I already know that as Madea's Family Reunion was atop the box office for like 2 weeks and has made 62 friggin' MILLION dollars. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

If the trailer didn't look like enough for ya, they've apparently gone back to add more "snakes on a plane-y" goodness.

For Sam, this may just out-do "the scene" in Deep Blue Sea.

D

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Johansson Tops FHM's 'Sexiest Women' Poll.



Coincidentally, Johansson also tops Derek's "I Wanna Get in Her Pants" Poll.

D

I too am waiting for a slutty pumpkin...

That's just gonna sound really, really weird if you haven't seen the show. And to be honest, even if you have, it still kinda does.

Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) from "How I Met You Mother" has his own blog. Genius. AND, he has his own March Madness going on:

Now I'm starting to get some ideas...and that's always good.

If you've never seen the show, you're really doing yourself a huge disservice. But if my recommendation isn't enough, how about this: It's narrated by Ted in the future. And the voice of Ted in the future is...Bob Sagat, bitches!

D

**UPDATE: I felt compelled to add Barney's "Get Psyched: 2006" CD Track Listing after seeing its contents.**

1) YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME - Jonathan B. Jovi

2) THE HUMPTY DANCE - Digital Underground

3) COME SAIL AWAY - Stix

4) DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' - Journey

5) THE TRANSFORMERS THEME SONG - O. Prime (are you kidding me? I would have crapped my pants had I heard "You've Got the Touch" on air)

6) YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND - Joe Esposito

7) HIGH ENOUGH - Damn Yankees

8) JESSIE'S GIRL - Rick Springfield

9) ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE - The Scorpions

10) HIP HOP HOORAY - Naughty by Nature

11) CHANGE OF HEART - Tom Petty

12) RUN AWAY - Slade

Hulk smash puny, human Derek's brackets!

Ok. So maybe my Fantastic Final 4 wasn't so Fantastic. Turns out the actual Final 4 is a little more like The Defenders. I mean no one really expected these teams to make it this far or do this well, let alone be the last 4 teams playing. And really, let's face it... it's just down right funny.

I'm not gonna bother trying to figure out who's whom on this one either, as that worked out oh-so-fucking-well last time. I'm really just content with having a picture of The Hulk picking his nose up here. Oh, and knowing that Duke isn't gonna win.

D

Beaten to the punch

***UPDATE: After a slight crash, the Truth appears to be back up. Minus the LSU background, much to Alison's displeasure I'm sure. And yes, "CHOKEBACK MOUNTAIN" is up again.***

I had a whole post idea ready to go. It was gonna have pictures of Adam Morrison and J.J. Redick, complete with captions of "Gutsy, emotional warrior" and "Big, fucking crybaby" (bet you can't guess who was whom). I was even thinking of trying to come up with some good, snarky poetry to commemorate the occasion.

But then I went and visited Truth Abut Duke. They had it done already. Complete with poetry from a Maryland fan no less (There's just no beating a poem called "Chokeback Mountain").

You may be saying "But, Derek; you can still go ahead and do a post making fun of Duke, J.J., and Alison!" Well, yes I could. But really, why try and re-invent the wheel?

However, there was one thing Truth didn't have... a picture of Adam Morrison:


Gutsy, emotional warrior. Not a big, fucking crybaby.


D

The Gestapo is back... in Texas

Texas arresting people in bars for being drunk.

Maybe the people of Texas should start a petition to get "Walker, Texas Ranger" back on the air. Well, another one any ways. But this one would be specifically to take up more of the Police's free time and give them something else to talk about other than harassing the only people in the entire state of Texas I can identify with.

Or maybe patrons could just distract officers when they come into the bar with "Hey, don't you guys have somebody to execute?"

Regardless, I think even good ol' "W" would have a problem with these "sting operations"; especially since there's a good chance that Jenna or Barbara might get russeled up in one of these.


D
(not visiting Texas any time soon)










11 out of 10 Texans agree that a giant Chuck Norris is the best way to defend Texas.

Two great things that taste great together.

Looks like it's time to start drinking some more wine...
Porn star hits it big as wine-maker.

She sure looks a whole hell of a lot better than Ernest or Julio Gallo.

D

I guess Canadians don’t like free beer…

Have a beer on Australia? No thanks, says Canada
“First it was banned in the UK for its use of the word "bloody" and now Canada has vetoed a scene in a controversial Australian tourism campaign where a character lures visitors by saying ‘We've poured you a beer!’”

Well despite Canada’s very liberal stance on television, they’ve actually decided against airing Australia’s kick-ass tourism campaign commercial. Canada. Objects to something. The same people who I was just somewhat looking up to for saying “fuck” on TV without bleeping it out. Canada!

And Australia, while understandably a bit perturbed, is still pretty much ok with it seeing as how the fervor up in the Great White North has given the Aussies a ton of free publicity. An “on-line traffic jam" if you will.

So while all those Canucks are busy soiling their panties with maple syrup over “implied unbranded alcohol consumption”, I’m gonna go watch that commercial again.

I bet Bob and Doug would have a shit fit about this one…

D

Marvel & DC actually working together...for evil

Marvel Comics: stealing our language
It's like the worst villain scheme ever...well, next to Cobra trying to kill the Joes with a fun house.

D

Time flies...

...when you're drinking a lot and trying to make fun of everything you can find.

Jeez, it slipped my mind for 19 days in a row now, but I've been doing this particular work avoidance for a whole year now. Dang. That's a whole lotta posts about a whole lotta random crap. Well, 147 to be exact.

And, you know; it's just not as thrilling of an anniversary as one would imagine. Pretty underwhelming, actually. No fanfare. No hoopla. No confetti. No big cake wheeled out with a stripper in it who pops out with a beer in one hand and a bottle of Beam her other. Nuthin'. Just me looking for far too long for a decent picture to help punctuate what should be a momentous post. But I got nothing. So, I guess this is pretty much par for the course. Wouldn't want to start having great content now, would we?

But I guess it's been good enough to keep a handful of you coming back every now and then, so it's been worth it. I've had some fun, made some new friends, alienated some old ones, and avoided a lot of work. So it's all good.

Well; here's to the past year, and here's to the next year. I hope stuff happens.

That's right, Mr. President. I'm this many.

Thanks for readin'.
D

*sigh*....buncha assholes.

Day 1 results:

Day 2, 3 & 4 results:

--------

And I guess I shouldn't have compared my Final Four picks to the Fantastic 4; because I obviously pissed someone off, and now they're trying their damnedest to systematically eliminate them:

"Bah! Doom's school should have received an automatic bid! This is all Richards' fault."

D

(not giving a shit since 3-19-06)

Nigh Perfection

And that doesn't refer to my tournament picks so far (buncha assholes, I tell you!).

No, I'm referring to the best beer I think I've ever had: a Guinness draught served at Scruffy Murphy's in Columbus.

And it pretty much looked like this, shamrock and all:

This beer was so good, that it's usually what I remember about that night at Scruffy Murphy's. Not the fact that I met, talked to, and hung out for a little while with Cuba Gooding, Jr. Nope, I always remember the Guinness, and then Cuba a little while later on.

This was intended to be a much longer post. But, It's made me really, really thirsty now and I'm trying to avoid thinking about the oh-so delicious Guinness I'll be drinking in far too many hours from now. So I'm gonna go look around on the Interweb.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

D

The Fantastic Final Four

I'm supposed to tell my Final 4 and why I picked 'em. Well, I can do that; but I figured I'd do a mash-up to make it more fun (at least for me). So I combined my Final Four with the Fantastic Four to get the Fantastic Final Four. I know, I know; that's pretty underwhelming. But at least it has alliteration.

The Participants:

Duke/Mr. Fantastic- The thinker team. The real cerebral choice that most people would naturally choose to be the winner. And I'm sure someone at some point has called J.J. Reddick, "Mr. Fantastic". It was probably Dick Vitale.

Kansas/The Human Torch- The hot, young upstarts. Full of youth and they just really caught fire at the end of the season: rolling right into the top 25, beating Texas for the Big 12 title, and a #4 seed in the NCAA's.

Connecticut/The Invisible Woman- The most talented and potentially most powerful of the 4. Always mentioned as a possible National Champ along with Duke. You almost can't have one without the other...it's like they're married. Get it? Whatever.

Boston College/The Thing- A big, hulking team that just pretty much "clobbered" its way through the season to an 11 ranking, finishing second to Duke in the ACC tourney, and getting a #4 seed at The Big Dance. This team showed they can hang with, and beat, the best in the country. So it's no surprise they're here in the Fantastic Final 4.

The Fight:
Match 1:
Duke/Mr. Fantastic vs Kansas/The Human Torch
Too many mistakes are made by the young Kansas team; and the older, wiser Duke team capitalizes on turnovers and is able to teach them a thing or two about being "on fire" from behind the arc.
Winner: Duke/Mr. Fantastic

Match 2:
Connecticut/The Invisible Woman vs Boston College/The Thing
BC is still a little tired from slugging it out in the ACC tournament and first couple of rounds to get to this point. UConn has had an easier road, and shows its quickness and plays nearly impenetrable defense that is able to shut bruising BC down.
Winner: Connecticut/The Invisible Woman

Championship:
Duke/Mr. Fantastic vs Connecticut/The Invisible Woman
UConn out thinks Duke and reacts well to any adjustments, playing the best defense they've played all year to shut down "Mr. Fantastic." That's not to say Duke won't get their fair share of hits in with a few runs, but they'll come up short in the end as a rally fails late in the game. UConn squeaks out a win.
Winner: Connecticut/The Invisible Woman

There you have it. Your 2006 National Champions: The University of Connecticut Huskies.

Wow. That was actually a little more fun than I had anticipated...

D

Well, it's still better than the "Paladins"...

Sometimes in the NCAA Tournament you come across a school or mascot that you've never heard of. And it's the strange ones that you kinda take a shine to (the Manhattan Purple Aces, anyone?)...that is, until they get blown out by a 1 or 2 seed. But today I'll be taking a look at some of the more, uncommon, mascots from colleges around the country. Keep in mind, these are actual college mascots; and all of these and more can be found here.

Opposing fans must love when they play these teams:
Anchormen
Blue Hose
Jimmies
Loggers
Minutemen
Minutewomen
Missionaries
Mounties
Muskies
Nads
Rainbows
Shockers
Sugar Bears
Super Bees

If I weren't an Eagle, I'd be proud to be:
Anteaters
Archers
Dirtbags
Green Terror
Hardrockers
Highlanders
Keelhaulers
Lasers
Marauders
Mastodons
Mean Green
Norse
Polar Bears
Ragin' Cajuns
Savages
Thunderwolves
Zips

Ummm, what?:
Bantams
Cobbers
Ephs
Eutectic
Geoducks
Gorloks
Moundbuilders
Nor'Easters
Penmen
Pomeroys
Sagehens
Skylights
Stormy Petrels
Zias

Still kinda cool, but in a weird way, you know?:
Banana Slugs
Bridges
Claim Jumpers
Cotton Blossoms
Humpback Whales
Ichabods
Ramblers
Trolls
Vandals

I guess they just really liked the movie:
Little Giants --- Wabash College (Crawfordsville, Indiana)
The Rock --- Slippery Rock University (Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania)
Wonder Boys --- Arkansas Tech University (Russellville, Arkansas) (men's team)


You know, I could have put my own comments and observations in there and had a grand ol' time. But really, it's gonna be a lot funnier if you guys do it. "Jimmies" and "Nads"? Those are gimmies.

D

Do I have to sequester you people?

** Update: Random Organization has been retconned. What was strong enough remains. What was not, now belongs to the digital ether.**

All right. It's really not all that difficult. You go to the right. You read the options available to vote on. You pick the one you think is best. You click on "vote". You make Derek slightly happier by helping him figure out what to do about his damned sidebar. All is right on the Internet... for now.

It's not exactly 12 Angry Men:













But I will cut someone if I have to...














So, to the 3 of you who've voted so far: Thanks. To everyone else: Come on, man! Help a brother out. Please?

D

NIT Bound

I almost think we might have had an easier time in the NCAA Tournament...

Men's Basketball Set to Face Charlotte in Opening Round of NIT Tuesday Night

STATESBORO, Ga.- Georgia Southern learned Sunday night that the team will face Charlotte in the opening round of the National Invitational Tournament. The game will be played at Halton Arena on the campus of UNCC, with a 7:30 p.m. tip-off.
Georgia Southern (20-9) earned an automatic berth into this year’s NIT by winning the Southern Conference regular season title. Charlotte (18-12) earned an at-large berth after falling 59-55 to Xavier in the quarterfinals of the Atlantic 10 Tournament. The 49ers finished second in the Atlantic 10 in just their first season in the conference, having moved from Conference USA.

The Postseason NIT will tip off on March 14 with opening-round play on campus sites. Second-round action commences on March 17 and the quarterfinals begin on March 21.

Continuing with a tradition now in its 69th year, the championship round will take place in New York's Madison Square Garden with the semifinal doubleheader on March 28 and the championship game on March 30.
The selection committee, all former Division I men's basketball head coaches, is comprised of Hall of Famers C.M. Newton and Dean Smith, along with Don DeVoe, Reggie Minton, Jack Powers, and Carroll Williams.

The winner of the Georgia Southern vs. Charlotte match-up will travel to Cincinnati on Friday, March 17.

----------

For those of you playing at home:
Viewable bracket. Printable bracket.

D

Dancing with 2 left feet...

The brackets are set.

If you haven't already started your research; set up your homemade altar for the basketball gods; and cursed out Dicky V, Digger Phelps, or Jay Bilas; well you better hurry up. And then move right along and fill out your "Blogger Madness" brackets so that Tech Support can laugh at you when you pick Duke to lose (and "accidentally" delete you when they do).

But now it's time for me to resume some of my annual NCAA Tournament habits:

• screaming at the TV (or computer at work)
• calling guys who play their hearts out "a bunch of assholes"
• kicking myself for picking a team just because "there's always a chance"
• trying to undermine my friends' confidence in their picks
• getting screwed by the basketball gods
• getting screwed by Digger Phelps
• Telling people over and over "If UNC doesn't win, I really don't give a shit who does...as long as it's not Duke."
• thanking God that I didn't put any money on this damned thing

Right. So, um... let the "fun" begin.

And remember, the deadline for submitting your brackets is 11 am Eastern on Thursday (March 16th) prior to the start of Round 1 games."

D

Awesomeness Personified

Bill.
Shatner.






Awesomeness in space.














Awesomeness is a Hooker. (with Heather Locklear.... and Adrian Zmed)
















Stately, distinguished awesomeness.













AWESOMENESS!!!!!










Lucas thinks adding Awesomeness will make any future Star Wars better. He's right.









Awesomeness is so awesome, it's scary. (Fine. The Michael Myers mask was a spray painted Awesomeness mask.)










Awesomeness doesn't need a big gun, but carries one any way.














Awesomeness with Awesomeness Lite.
















Awesomeness is NOT afraid to fly...













unlike Awesomeness Dark.


















Finally, Awesomeness is recognized.










That's all the Awesomeness that one post can conceivably contain. And I'm spent.

D

Representing Deutschland

For some reason I haven't gotten tired of these "V-Dub" commercials yet... I think it's pretty much just because of this guy (Peter Stormare):

"Time to unpimp ze auto..." Ah, that's good stuff.

Now if Volkswagen made a commercial with this guy and stole Stacy Scowley away from Kia...

Well, I'd probably run out and buy one that afternoon.

Just sayin'.

D

Heh heh..."hanging chad"... heh heh

Sidebar. Right side. Poll. Vote. Now. Thanks.

Arnold sez: "Vote! And then get to the chopper!"

Sorry. I'm busy and that's all I could muster.

D

Stupendous Man is way cooler than Spaceman Spiff.

Calvin & Hobbes. Derek & Brody.

Eh, not quite the same, but close enough for me.

I've always loved Calvin & Hobbes. Well maybe not always loved, but for as long as I can remember I've liked it. Well, it was actually my second favorite comic strip or collection behind The Far Side. But not any more though. Now the guys are #1.

I think the biggest reason is that when reading it, I instantly feel like a kid again. Being able to let my imagination wander, play and dance like nobody's watching or even be almost consequence/care free again. What better time was there in life?

It's a completely different feeling I get when reading Calvin & Hobbes from the one I get when reading Astonishing X-Men or Green Arrow.



Sure there's a sense of escapism with Marvel and DC, but it's still grounded in an all-too-increasingly adult world. I read and react to grown up situations: war, infidelity, money trouble, grief, politics, betrayal, family strife, et al. A fantasy world? Yes. But still a grown up world. And sometimes I just don't want to deal with grown up things...

With Calvin & Hobbes though, it's different. I think like a 6 year old boy (more so than usual). I read and react to his problems: bath time, disgusting food, the babysitter, girls with "cooties", my best friend being the only one who gets me, etc... And when things are going tough, it's good to know that I can just let it all go and laugh out loud at some of Calvin's antics. Mostly because it's like someone took parts of my childhood and put them in small panels, and I can remember exactly what it was like to do whatever's going on right there in black and white (or color on Sunday).



Hell, most of the time I see Calvin doing something that I did last week.


Now don't get me wrong, Calvin & Hobbes aren't going to replace the kind of catharsis that Logan and Ollie Queen can still provide (sometimes you just wanna see someone get their ass handed to them); but it's just nice to know that I can have a third universe to tune into other than the multiverse that's provided by Marvel and DC. AND, if I need to put on the big boy thinking cap, any philosophical musings between Calvin & Hobbes are usually the kind even I can follow: funny and doesn't hurt my head when I think about it.



D




One of these days, I'm gonna fork out the cash to haul in The Complete Calvin & Hobbes Collection. That way I can take my time and just breeze though all of my childhood put into all of the black and white (or full color), panel-ly goodness it deserves. However, my parents might argue that it should be a collection of Stephen King novels instead.