“Who would eat 30 sack lunches?” “I’ll tell you who. It was that damn Sasquatch.”

A little-known and infrequent perk that comes with my job: left-over school sack lunches.

Sure it’s a barely passable, assembly line-made lunch to an 8th grader; but to me it’s a kick-ass afternoon snack. Some are good (ham & cheese w/ name brand chips) and some are freakin’ horrible (peanut butter on white bread and crappy, stale chips). Today’s offering was of the highest caliber:

PB & Grape Jelly “Uncrustable”

Classic Lays potato chips

Big ol’ homemade Rice Crispy treat

Baby carrot sticks

A gala apple

Best. Afternoon snack. Ever.

D

Weekend Wrap Up

After far too many a moon have passed since I last saw Chris and Tiffany, Turner and I made a pilgrimage to Atlanta this past weekend to visit. Since there’s no real, linear story; I have the highlights. Check the bullet points, bitches!

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The world is mine!!!!

I half-hammeredly kicked ass in Risk on Friday night. And as my first act as ruler of the world, I will name Rammstein the official band of the planet; which with my second act will be renamed “Funky Town.”

--
Goddamned Mongorians!

Turner wanted to visit some Chinese restaurant wholesale place to find some new décor for his house. He apparently is a huge fan of Happy Panda Family Express and wants to live there. We drove around Atlanta based on some stellar, Magellan-like directions from Turner’s dad, only to discover 45 minutes and 7 passes by REI later that the place was only like 5 minutes and a couple of streets away from Chris and Tiffany’s place.

I personally think that when all is said and done with his decorating, it’s gonna look like Turner robbed a Chinese restaurant.

Turner's always gracious enough to give you a fortune cookie when you leave.

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“Always win.”

Chris bought an awesome Daniel-san headband at Turner’s Chinese wholesale place. I’m still lamenting the fact that I didn’t buy one as well. For the rest of the night (and now as well) I had that damned “You’re the best around…” song stuck in my head.

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All in… and then all out

I suck at poker. I suppose if I actually played more I’d get better. But I have better things to do. And seriously, I thought I could have won with 3 8’s and a Jack. I really didn’t think Tiffany would have 3 aces. Thus the beauty and the horror that is poker.

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Who am I?

Well, apparently after numerous incarnations of the “Who would you/I be?” games, I am:

Colonel Tigh

Cannonball

Hercules

Grimlock

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Registration Act

After a nerdgasim-inducing visit to Oxford Comics, I decided that if I ever get married; I'm going to make sure that my wife knows we're registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond, the GSU Bookstore, Oxford Comics and the nearest liquor store.

The above sentence also pretty much guarantees that I will never be married unless I strike up some desperate pact with Turner. But that will never happen as I don't want to live in a Chinese restaurant.

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I was a part of the Speed Force

"Tilt" is waaaaay more interesting and effective than "Sparks". That shit whacked me the fuck out. But it works like a charm.

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Turner unleashed.

Turner totally unloaded on a girl who said we were way too nerdy after she had already said that she watched Full Metal Alchemist with the subtitles on.

"Fuck. You!"

--

Rumble in the Bronx

This Bacon & Egg Cheeseburger at IHOP, while tasty, did far more damage to my stomach than all the beer and Tilt did.

---

That's all I've got right now. Man, Atlanta should seriously be a lot closer to Statesboro. These weekends are too few and far between.

D

You’re not a quitter if you never start

I’ve decided that I’m not giving up my beloved alcamahol for Lent. And it’s not because I have a problem. It’s more like because I have problems.

-There’s still a good bit of beer left in my fridge, and I refuse to throw away perfectly good Guinness. That’s like a sin or something.
-There’s also the impending unofficial SBDA national holiday of St. Patrick’s Day coming up. And it’s on a Saturday to boot, so that’s just asking for trouble.
-I’m going up to Atlanta this weekend to see the Masked Mofo, The Slut and Pretty Boy Slim; so it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t let LC out to at least say “hey!”
-I’m thinking that I’m going to need to drown my sorrows sometime soon, and drowning them in fruit punch or green tea just doesn’t quite do it like how my second love can soothe me.
-Me likey to drinky.

Jesus won't weep for me falling off the wagon, but he'd kick my ass for throwing this away.

I still want to do it, so I may just have to find a consecutive 40 days and nights where nothing important is going to be happening or is planned. Then maybe I can prove to one and all that I actually can function for a month without alcohol, like... like someone who... wait... are there people who don't have alcohol in them for entended periods of time? *shudder*

So anyways, not doing it. In fact, I may go home and have a beer or 4 just to celebrate my non-quitting triumph thing or whatever the hell I'm doing or not doing.

D

Green Teas from Asbury Park

I’ve become pretty much addicted to Bigelow’s Green Tea (with lemon) as of late.


I started drinking it when I was sick a few weeks back in the hopes that maybe it would help me feel a little better. It did somewhat, but I’ve kept with it mostly because it relaxes me some while I’m at work and helps me unwind at home after a really crap day.

It’s by no means better than Sleepytime tea, but it and all its little antioxidants do the trick just fine when I need it to.

Hmmm... First BBC America, then drinking more Guinness than usual, add a new-found fascination with British slang, and now all this tea nonsense. I guess all I need is a tea pot and some biscuits/scones to help round out what appears to be my transformation into an Englishman. I suppose next time I go shopping I could pick some up along with some Earl Grey (hot).

Cheerio.

D

Spot the wrestling reference? It’s pretty clever if I do say so myself. Want a little help? It’s in here.

Certifiable

I’m taking a Heartsaver CPR course tonight that will hopefully bolster my chances for selection a little bit.

A 3 hour course that certifies me for 2 years and only costs $25? Just about can’t beat that… unless it was free… and I got to take it with a bunch of Playmates... and practice on them. But I’ll take what I can get.

And if it makes me a little more selection-worthy down in Savannah, then it’ll totally be worth it. If not, then I guess the worst is that I spent 12 & ½ big beers on it, missed going to the gym, and didn’t get to watch NCIS.

But at least I’ll be certified and I won’t have missed Dr. Who. Gotta start thinking positive.

D

A moment of silence and closed captioning please.

Inventor of the TV remote dies

Tonight, I shall perform a 21 channel salute.

D

This is spinal tap

Not so much this one...

A little more this one:

Interesting ways to spend a Sunday night does not include sitting in the emergency room for 6 & 1/2 hours (until 12:15am) with someone who's sick and ends up having to get a spinal tap to see if it's meningitis. Thank God it wasn't, because that would have really sucked if she had it and I was with her for that long a period of time while she was sick.

And seriously, if that didn't help me get mucho mucho brownie points, I don't know what the hell will.

D

Oh, and it's no one you guys know. And no I won't tell you.

I'm gonna be a daddy!!

Well, not really. But this is pretty much a creepy (and also possible) look into the future.

Chris was convinced after seeing the 40 Year Old Virgin, that if they ever made a movie about me or SBDA!, Seth Rogan would be the one to play me. And the first time I saw this trailer, the first thing I thought of was Chris just busting out laughing and saying something like "Holy crap! That's... that's pretty much you! Or at least what'll probably happen to you anyways. ...Sorry dude. But at least it'll be funny."

Knocked Up

And God help me... I think he's right.

D

Here's a club I can join

Finally got around to ordering Paranoid Social Club's self-titled CD.

I finally saw Beerfest the other day and "Wasted" was in the closing titles which reminded me that I needed to order the cd. I suppose if I had that laptop that I'm supposed to be ordering I could've gone and gotten it off itunes; but I don't have it yet, so I didn't.

A semi-keen aside: after I paid for the cd online, it let me download the whole thing onto the ol' puter and play it immediately. Well, I was supposed to be able to play it anyways. However there keeps being a licensing problem that's preventing me from playing them despite the fact that I already fucking paid for it. Godddamned DRM.

Guess I have to wait for the snail mail to get here then.

D

Vegas has me at 250:1 to actually finish

Lent is observed by the religious as a time to renew their faith by fasting and performing acts of penance during the observed and symbolic 40 days and nights that precede Easter and the resurrection of Christ.

Lent is also observed by jerkasses like me who’ve seen the Josh Hartnett movie 40 Days and 40 Nights way too many times, and every year toy with the idea of giving something up for a little over a month for no better reason than “just to see if I can.”

This year’s affront to the Catholic faith is such a doozy, that it deserves it’s own tagline in the vain of it’s founding inspiration:

“One man is about to do the unthinkable. No alcohol. Whatsoever. For... 40 Days and 40 Nights.”

That’s right, I’m thinking about going sober for the entirety of Lent.

*waiting for the laughter to subside*

Are you quite finished now? Good.

I know what you’re thinking: “Hahahaha…There’s absolutely no way you’ll pull this off. *snort* I mean, why didn’t you just go with chocolate or something a little less Odyssian like sex like in the movie? Heeheehee…”

To which I respond “I really don’t eat chocolate much anyways. And sex? Screw that! Booze is much easier for me to get. I’m not passing up sex! No way.”

But it’s not set in stone. I’ve still got until next Wednesday to make up my mind about if I really want to commit to the challenge. And even if I do take up the charge, it’s not like Jesus is gonna weep because I fell off the wagon again. Plus, if I want to, I can use my loopholes and observe the technicality that the 6 Sundays don’t count. Yeah that’s kinda cheating, but at the same time, perfectly within the rules.

But if you guys do start a pool on me like in the movie, let me know. I want in.

D

A Valentine for Nerds

D

Fine. Here’s your stupid Valentine’s card!

D

I think it, he says it.

It’s the grandest Hallmark Holiday of them all today. And in true anti-Valentine’s spirit, I present to you a “Name That” contest.

Name the show and character who said it and receive some sort of a classic Screw Big, Dumb American! type prize (and yes, I may even mail it to you if you’re one of my out of town readers).

“Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.”

Wow. That’s just one of those random quotes that you see or hear and it resonates with you. So much so that you end up tracking it down just to make sure that you remember it right and you start to obsess over it and begin an awkward journey of self-analysis that ends with you lying in a pool of despair/spilled beer, which only helps to further perpetuate your unwanted paranoia about Japanese people constantly watching you.

That or it’s just a good quote that I read too much into. I can never tell.

Name that show & character, win a prize!

D

I know we just got a Starbucks...

But when the hell are we gonna get one of these?!

Cowgirls Espresso

I'd drive all the way across town every freakin' day to get coffee or hot, green tea if it were served to me by one of Statesboro's many hotties dressed like this:

"Sir, I'm going to need you to either order or move along."

"I still giggle every time she asks if I want cream."

"The restraining order keeps me from proposing any more..."

Guess I have to be proactive on this one. I think I'm gonna try and be a franchisee.

D

credit Paul for the head's up on this.

Can I get a spot over here?

After much consideration and several talks with Merritt about the CPAT (Candidate Physical Ability Test), I've decided to join a gym.

I've really gotta start prepping for some of the things I'll be required to do if I pass the written portion and get selected for the CPAT. A lot of that stuff will require some serious strength training and I also need to get on a first name basis with a StairMaster ("Hi, I'm D. You must be Death. Nice to meet you.").

The good news is that I don't think I need to do anything all that different from what I usually do at the gym, aside from the stairs. All the prep and training guides are showing pretty much exercise for exercise exactly what my previous routine was. All I gotta do is just start back on it.

So today, I'll go running and see how much my week off from being sick has screwed me; and tomorrow, I'll swing by 180 Fitness and see about a tour and possible trial membership before jumping in all the way. I think I can get a discounted rate as a government employee too. Although I know that no matter how much I do pay, I'll still probably use the hell out of the gym just because I am paying for it and I refuse to waste money that way.

D

Succinctly put...

Duke sucks!

D

The Sickening

Sorry about the lack of posts. I’ve been quasi-deathly ill.

Meant to play hooky on Monday after the Super Bowl, but woke up to find that the show had decided to actually go ahead and make me sick as a punishment for my insubordination.

No problemo I thought. Just a little cough and a stuffy nose, nothing major. 8 hours later and I’m freezing my balls off despite having every blanket and comforter that I can find on me. Must be a fever. Not good.

Tuesday morning comes and I can barely stand up, and when I do I’m weaving all over the place like, well, like me after way too many big beers. Add to that that my entire body is fatigued, sore as hell, still freezing, and I constantly wanna hurl; and I think it’s the flu.

So back to bed I go. Until about 6:45 that night. I spent roughly 20 hours in bed from Monday night to Tuesday night and that just about did the trick. Was back at work yesterday, although feeling pretty shitty and only because I really had to be; and today I feel about a hundred time better.

Still have a little congestion though, but hopefully it’s nothing I can’t kick out pretty quickly.

So there ya go. I was sick and I never actually played hooky. Don’t know if that evens me out karma-wise or not…

D

The "D" stands for "D'oh!"

Now I’m usually the first one to say that I’m a jackass; and quite often for many, many different reasons. This time it’s because I did something stupid at work. Go figure.

Savannah is taking applications for firefighter trainees again, and one of the required items to be submitted is a college transcript if applicable. It is for me, so I faxed in a request to the University for an official copy of my transcripts yesterday.

The trouble is that the first fax machine I used sucks and didn’t look like it went through. I waited around for a few minutes to see if a confirmation/error page would come back. Nothing did, so I figured that it didn’t work and there wouldn’t even be a confirmation/error page. So I went and used another machine that cranked one out quickly.

In all my rush to start gathering information, I forgot to go check one last time on that first machine. Lo and behold this morning when I walk in, sitting on my desk is the error report from the first machine.

Now this really wouldn’t be that big a deal if it weren’t for the portion of the request that I voluntarily filled out: “Reason for Transcript”. I went and checked “other” with “Job Application” written in the blank provided.

Sigh. I’m a jackass.

Hopefully, whoever put that on my desk didn’t look past the name and didn’t see my jackassedness openly acknowledging my covert job search. It probably doesn’t really matter all that much though, as I’m pretty damned sure that my boss knows what I’m up to, he’s just not saying anything. It’s one of those “You don’t know that I know that you know I know, you know?” situations I guess.

I’m sure if there’s any gossip or rumors flying around that they’ll inevitably get back to me at some point soon. And while I would normally use a tried and true favorite quote of “What’re they gonna do? Fire me?”, with all the changes being made around here, they just might. So this time I’ll do what I rarely do: tone down the brash cockiness, play it cool, and shut the fuck up.

D

And yes, I do present an air of “brash cockiness” at work. Just ask Zeke. Well ok, maybe “brash cockiness” is a wee bit of an exaggeration. It may be more like a continuous aura of “what-the-fuck-ever”, “piss off”, “hangovers sucks ass”, and “Good God I hate you.” But it can be easily confused as “brash cockiness”.