"D'oh!": Lessons in Karma

Irony
Main Entry: iro·ny
Pronunciation: 'I-r&-nE also 'I(-&)r-nE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -nies
Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirOnia, from eirOn dissembler
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning -- called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play -- called also dramatic irony, tragic irony
4 : A literal or technical term for the Asian game show hosts of “Screw Big, Dumb American” screwing Derek over in a hardcore fashion
5 : Making fun of other peoples’ lack of regular posting and then getting busted for screwing around too much on the job, and then not getting to post anything at all yourself.


Yeah, that's right. I got busted. Big time. So I have to restrain myself until after 5:00 to check personal email and blog. So that means no more multiple posts (more than likely), or I might just turn into Scott and rarely blog at all. We'll see. (Yeah, I had to tempt Karma one last time.)

That is all. For now.

D

A plethora and a quandary

You ever have that problem where you have so much to say but you just don't know where to start, so you just kinda lock up?

Well, that's where I'm at right about now.

I'm fresh off an extended weekend that included (but was not limited to):

• continuous, restrained revelry
• going out to the bar
• the Georgia Southern Blue/White Game
• good tailgating
• eating the best food in Statesboro and Savannah
• walking around downtown Savannah (including City Market and River Street)
• going to the beach
• watching a few movies
• and God knows what all else I did
  

But while I try to come up with some more clever shit, or just reorganize all my thoughts and stories, I leave you with a pic of the Blogging Illuminati:



D

Hot off the Interweb presses

It's official:
I hate Baylor. There's nothing good in Waco, or at least nothing good that I'll be able to spend $5 to see.

Texas college bars students from posing for Playboy
"Baylor University in Waco, Texas, which bills itself as the world's largest Baptist college, has threatened to discipline female students if they pose for Playboy magazine, which is trying to recruit models from the college."

Discipline female students? Are they going to spank the girls if they get nekkid? If so, then maybe I'll reconsider. Of course maybe they'd reconsider if it were that shitty Indonesian version of Playboy.

-------

Would you like to super-size your heart attack?

Hardee's Sandwich Piles Meat on More Meat
"The meat-on-meat Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, launched Tuesday, features one-third of a pound of Angus beef, along with both Swiss and American cheeses, green peppers and onions. And piled atop all of that is thinly sliced steak meat."

So far, it's only in my dreams...

Despite my heart attack comment, I still want to try it. Hardee's keeps coming up with solid burger ideas for gluttons for punishment like me: the Monster Burger, the 2/3 lb Bacon Cheese Thickburger, the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, etc... I'm just waiting for them to add "Baseball's Best Burger" and I'll be the first one in line. And that lady's sarcastic question about the porkchop does intrigue me. Come to think of it, I think the Hardee's here is open 24 hours...

-------

Backdraft 2: Stop, Drop & Roll

I'm thinking of becoming a firefighter. And not the volunteer kind. The full time, working for the city kind.

Where'd I leave that hose? Heh heh... I said "hose".

Every time I see one of my buddies, he tries to get me to join up. He's always extolling the virtues and benefits of being a firefighter. Last night I was out drinking a few big beers with him and one of the guys on his shift; and as expected, they gave me the spiel. Every time that I hear it, it makes a little more sense, and lasts a little longer in my head. This time especially though.

So now, I'm really considering it. Only thing is, I just have to start trying to put out fires instead of setting them...

D

Hot Chicks With Douchebags

All douchebags are presumed douchebags until proven douchebags...

"Hot Chicks With Douchebags" just about says it all. But never being one to shut the hell up at the perfect time, I think the description says even more... and says it better: "Pictures of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags. With commentary."

In the never-ending war against the douchebags of the world, I think I've found a new ally.

Derek

Has anyone ever told you that you look like...

My Heritage has a facial recognition program where you upload a picture of yourself and they go through their database and show what "celebrity" you most resemble. Well, depending on what picture you give them. And either I'm a decent looking guy, or this thing is on crack. I vote for the drug-abusing software.

Here's the 5 celebrities I very very very loosely resemble. Up to a point. Kinda. I guess:

Christian Slater (71%)

While Kuffs was a kick-ass movie, I don't think I'll be gettin' it on with Milla Jovovich any time soon.

Alec Baldwin (70%)

I was actually thinking a little more like Daniel Baldwin to be honest.

Woody Harrelson (70%)

I uh, I um, I....I got nothing. It's Woody.

Sean Astin (68%)

Guess I should start saying "Mr. Frodo!" a little more now to capitalize on my look-a-like ness.

Sarah Jessica Parker (66%)

Sonofabitch. And I'm married to Ferris Bueller to boot.

Like I said, I vote "this thing is on crack". How I didn't manage to match up with Steve Buscemi I'll never figure out.

Although, I must admit that I'm gonna try and get more pictures of myself to see if I can salvage what's left of my pride and ego, and see if I resemble someone a little better looking with a higher percentage. But it probably won't happen.

D

I may not know art...

But I know what I like.

"Kate is a mirror of ourselves, a twisted Venus of our age"

A "mirror of ourselves", huh? I wasn't aware of my penchant for retarded boyfriends and coke binges, but I guess that's why our version of Venus is "twisted".

D

Ode to a motherfucking tree

Student Can Recite Poem With Profanity

Ha ha! And for those of you scoring at home, that'd be:
Kid sticking it to The Man: 1
















Members of Right to Censor: 0



The RTC is non too pleased with this decision. Body slams, suplexes and super kicks are sure to come...

D

Get a job, you bum!

Well, the "Best Jobs in America" list is out. Sadly, I have yet to see "professional slack-ass" or "somewhat witty/insightful blogger" listed so far. Guess I'll have to put off building a money vault so that I can swim in all my money. One more dream unfulfilled...

D

They would've left a pirate alone...

University Ninja Ambushed By Feds On Way To Dining Hall

You know, if this had happened at any other school I would have thought it was the coolest story of the day. But since it happened up in Athens, I think it's just further proof that they're all retarded up there. And his "ninja" outfit? Sounds more like a lazy Old West bank robber to me.

Score one for the scourges of the seven seas. Pirates rule!

D

Still keeping it "Real"

I got a little worked up about "The Real World" after writing yesterday's post. And I couldn't stop thinking about the thousands of people that have been on there. **Seriously, I had to go back through this list and edit people out because I had like 137 people on here.** The ones I've liked and disliked, loved and hated, wanted to have a beer with and wanted to hit in the head with a brick.

So I decided to compile a list of notable characters (notable, at least from my stand point) from each of the seasons. **And I tried to keep it 1 per season to keep numbers. I tried to.**

Julie (New York)- Ah, my first "reality" crush. The sweet Alabama native stole my heart because she was smokin' hot and was just a tad naive. Remember when she asked Heather B if she sold drugs when her pager went off? Hee hee. So cute.

Dominic (Los Angeles)- The good ol' stereotypical drunk Irishman. Passed out in the sand on their vacation. Kick ass, that's what I usually do on vacation too. I guess there are people like me on TV after all.

Puck (San Francisco)- Snot rockets, fingers in the peanut butter, blatant homophobia and he got kicked out of the house. How do you not love and absolutely fucking hate this cat at the same time? But at least he may have been one of the most "real" people on the show ever. If not, then that guy deserves an Oscar.

Judd (San Francisco)- (Fine, I have two from the same season on here. Bad, Derek! Bad!) An actual stand up guy and friend to Pedro. Now married to the cute Asian doctor and a writer for DC comics. Writing Green Arrow and Green Lantern will get you on just about any list I make. So sue me.

Neil (London)- Had a pig's heart sent to him on Valentine's by his crazy-ass girlfriend. And had his tongue fucking bitten off at a concert!!

Joe (Miami)- All I remember from this guy is his egregious (that's a dollar word) New York accent and him saying he used to train to be a porn star and it aggravated the hell out of his girlfriend (who incidentally was like 3 feet taller than him). That's all.

Elka (Boston)- Excuse me. I have to change my pants now because she was so hot.

Montana (Boston)- Again, another two from the same season, but I just had to get this outta my system: God, I fucking hate that chick.

David & Nathan (Seattle)- Went to VMI together. I think this was the first time that 2 people who knew each other were on the show together. Was it the last too?

Stephen (Seattle)- Slapped Irene. That's all I've got. But it was great.

Irene (Seattle)- Went crazy. Got slapped by Stephen in probably the funniest slap I've ever seen: *knock knock knock* *open car door* *slap!* *close car door*

Ruthie (Hawaii)- My hero of the season, and then they made her go to rehab. Bastards. Luckily, I hear that she's made a complete recovery and is now drinking again. Atta girl, Ruthie. Quitters never win.

Julie (New Orleans)- The...the..the...um.. damn, I can't do it. THE MORMON CHICK WHO GOT KICKED OUT OF BYU FOR SHARING A ROOM/HOUSE WITH GUYS..... sorry. I tried to get through this one without mentioning that she was the mormon chick who got kicked out of BYU for sharing her room/house with guys. Damn, did it again. Oh well. She also co-hosts "Electric Playground" on G4 and tried to kill a chick on one season of The Gauntlet. Cool. At least I made it though this one without mentioning "Big Love". Damn.

Good. God. I'm still going? Christ! How many more seasons are left? 8?!? Damnit. I shoulda just picked a Top 5 or something... oh well, let's finish up shall we? Unless you gotta make a pit stop first or grab some caffeine, then we'll wait...

Done? Okey dokey. *quick, deep breaths* Here we go!!!

Mike (New York 2)- 2 words: The & Miz. Aspiring professional wrestler & and all around drunk weirdo really. Easily one of my favorite Real Worlders of all time. mikethemiz.com

Tonya (Chicago)- kidney stones and shit. That's all I got. Oh, and she was hot.

Trishele (Las Vegas)- I never really watched this one, but I heard she was a hooker or something. All I know is she and The Miz dated and she screwed him over. So, she's a bitch. And a hooker apparently.

Ace (Paris)- I've hated a lot of people before in my life. And I've known just about all of them personally. Ace is the first person that I've hated with a passion and I've only met in passing. You remember up at the top when I said I wanted to hit someone in the head with a brick? Well, it's this guy. For years after he made an ass of him self on TRW (and subsequently made a pussy of himself on all the challenges he's been in), I was inundated with "Do you know Ace?" questions from middle and high school girls whenever I did visits. One day I snapped and said "Yeah I know him and he's a bastard and has herpes!" I'm surprised I didn't get fired for that. But it would have totally been worth it. I hate Ace.

The entire cast of San Diego- I listed them all because they're all so generic. We've seen them all before on different seasons already, but with different names. Except I think this was the first time that a cast member left and was replaced. They wife-swapped Frankie out and brought Charlie in. They both sucked, so I guess it was an even trade.

Landon/MJ (Philadelphia)- This doesn't count as two because I think they're really the same guy. If it was two, then I couldn't ever really tell them apart due to all the over drinking, over whiteness, over fighting with the Karamo, over fighting with the girls, etc... that they both did. But my neighbor has a dog named Landon. He's crazy, afraid of everything, barks all the damn time and just a freak. And he has the same name as the supposed "one guy" from the show. So maybe I shoulda stuck with "Landon".
I still think it's one guy with a curly wig...

Danny (Austin)- I didn't watch this season, but I did see the one where Danny got beat the hell up in the street by some dude. So that's why Danny's on here. 'Cause he got his ass kicked and I saw it. Man, if only that'd happened to Ace...

Svetlana (Key West)- This season is on right now and I haven't watched more than 10 minutes of it total. But this chick is hot, part Russian and named "Svetlana"... so she gets the nod here.

CLEAR!

I'm done and have officially run out of words.

D

What's better than "Snakes on a Plane"?

Well I thought nothing was, but apparently Dave has proven me wrong yet again. He's got the inside scoop on the already planned sequel/follow up to the soon-to-be-greatest-movie-of-all-time, "Snakes on a Plane".

"Bears on a Sub"

Ah, Dave you rapscallion. You've gone and done it again haven't you?

D

There's not a damn thing "real" about it...

The location for the next season of "The Real World" has been chosen:
Denver.

Seriously, what is this? Like the 37th season? And the damned show gets less and less real every season:
"Let's take 7 overly-good looking kids that will look nothing like the kids that'll watch the show, and who are bound to fuck and fight, and then throw them into a million dollar home together. Rent free. And to keep things honest, we'll make them work for money....like at a TV or radio station or for an Arena Football team. No wait! How about at a club in Vegas or a cool marina in San Diego? That's 'real', right?"

Yeah, that's "real".

But now I guess it's time to start talking Alison into trying to get on camera somewhere in the background. That, and also to start petitioning MTV to have a season down here in the 'Boro.

Coming Fall 2015: "The Real World: Statesboro (because we ran out of other cities and New York won't let us come back after that nuclear meltdown thing...)"

**Tune back in tomorrow for my next installment of reminiscing and bitching about The Real World.**

D
(I'd rather be on "Road Rules" anyhoo)

Fear the Easter Bunny.

Fear him I said!!

The Easter Bunny Hates You.

I think that I'm gonna put this on my desktop. That way, whenever I'm feeling a little down I can pull it up and watch the Easter Bunny beat the ever-loving snot out of a bunch of people. That'd cheer me up.

There really should be an entire series of this. They could turn the Easter Bunny into the Chuck Norris of "holiday icons". He could go around putting the boots (or fists or bats or whatever) to other holiday icons like a leprechaun, Santa, The Great Pumpkin, Moses, etc... That'd work. They'd all shit their pants when they saw their impending ass-kicking:

Peter Cottontail don't fuck around.

D

Inconceivable!

The list of the 101 Greatest Screenplays is out. "Casablanca" comes in at #1, while "Notorious" comes in 100 places after that.

But there were three that struck me as a little odd to be considered a part of the top 101 greatest screenplays ever written:
Groundhog Day (#27)


Back to the Future (#56)


The Princess Bride (#84)


You heard me. A movie where Bill Murray comedically commits suicide multiple times, a movie centered around a time-traveling DeLorean, and a movie featuring Andre the Giant. Now don't get me wrong, I love all 3 movies... I just, um, I just never really considered them as being among the best ever written.

But I guess we're lucky they kept it to the "top" 101 screenplays, because I think that #102 was "Bubble Boy" and #137 was Dolph Lundgren's "Masters of the Universe". What? It could happen. "Groundhog Day" did finish ahead of "Schindler's List" (#49)...

D
"1.21 jigawatts!"

Peep Show

Stupid sun. Stupider sunburn.

Now I look like a frickin' Peep.








Well, at least it's almost Easter. Maybe I can have some fun with it and just tell people that I'm a huge Easter fanatic, and that I deliberately go out and fry myself every year to get ready and get "in the spirit". Kinda like body paint. But it lasts longer and hurts a hell of a lot more.

Now I just gotta work out a joke involving the Easter Bunny or Jesus' resurrection or something...

D

T-Shirts! Get your T-Shirts!!

Here they are (not really), and just in time for Spring.
Your (non) official Random Organization t-shirts:





Get 'em (you can't get 'em) while they're hot (fake)!

Now if you'll excuse me, both Milan and Paris are on the phone and I simply must go and work up the Fall line. I'm thinking something along the lines of a long sleeve or baseball raglan. It's about time something replaced those horrid "ringer" T-Shirts. Maybe I'll even do a little something for that drunk Liquid Courage while I'm at it.

I may be starting a trend. And that my friends, would kick ass.

D

Make your own at CustomInk.

This is exactly what the Internet was created for...

To help a guy win a bet so he can have a 3-way with his girlfriend.

Help Win My Bet
"After a long argument (mostly centered around the fact that she called me an idiot) we made a bet: If I could not make a website to get 2,000,000 hits, I would agree that I was an idiot; however, if I could make a website to get 2,000,000 hits, she would have a menage a trois (that's a threesome to you non french-speakers) with me and another girl."

The girlfriend would later go on to issue this informal statement:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and brainstorm...

D

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

(click image to enlarge)

What with all the Noah/Spanish tomfoolery, I almost completely forgot this:

Neener neener neener!!

So a hearty "congrats" to our winner, Eddie; a "thanks for participating" to everyone else; and a very Nelson-esque "ha ha!" to my esteemed co-host of the "First Annual Blogger Bracket Pool". I look forward to next year...kind of.

That is all.

D

The Waiting Game

Is just not as much fun as most other games, really. Unless you add beer. But that makes everything more fun.

Well, since college basketball is over; I'm stuck playing the waiting game. And I hate it. And don't give me that "There's always the NBA, NHL, MLB, LMNOP, or whatever" spiel. I don't care. I really don't like the professional version of any sport, so those are pretty much out. Professional sports suck and take the purity out of the game. But that's another post (that I probably won't get around to writing).

I like college football and college basketball. More specifically, Georgia Southern football and Georgia Southern basketball. But I've got a while until football season begins.

So I wait. Patiently. Anxiously. Painfully. Scouring the athletic website and the message boards. Collecting any info I can and practically working myself into a low grade, class C frenzy while I count down the days until kickoff (Sept. 9th).




But, at least spring practice has begun and the annual Blue & White Game is in a few weeks. So I have that and the spring practice updates to tide me over until we start the new era of Georgia Southern football, and the quest for National Championship # 7.

GO EAGLES!!!

D

Skanks, wangs, VD & Courvoisier...

All the things that make up a good episode of...

There's a list out of the worst-ever SNL cast members. And they correctly identify Jimmy Fallon as the worst of the worst. However, they narrowly missed pissing me off by making Tim Meadows an "Honorable Mention" (shouldn't it be more of a dis-honorable mention?):

Tim Meadows: He had the longest tenure of any cast member in the history of SNL (ten years) and all he has to show for it is the "Ladies Man". Memorable Character: Lionel Osborne Host of "Perspectives"

So he wasn't a break out star like Chris Farley (and his ever-orbiting pal, David Spade), comedic gold like Eddie Murphy, or an SNL Hall of Famer like Steve Martin. But he was no friggin' Joe Piscopo. Seriously, name one character that he played. And "that guy that's kinda like Joe Piscopo" doesn't count.

The only reason I would watch SNL most Saturday nights was just to catch a new episode of The Ladies Man. And then I'd change the channel.

Let's face it, SNL's had a lot of bad "performers" over the years; but I don't think you should really lump Tim Meadows in with this group of schlubs. I nominate Rob Schneider and his annoying ass "Copy Guy" to take Leon Phelps' place.

D

Probably the best ever Ladies Man sketch had The Rock dressed as an undercover cop who made Leon fall in love with him.

Separated at Birth?

In honor of tonight's NCAA National Championship game, I present to you...

Florida's star forward, Joakim Noah:









AND

Old School's star pledge, Rick "Spanish" Gonzalez:



I'll never forget that game in Gainesville where Yogus and I kept yelling out "He's gonna do one more! He's gonna do one more!" every time Noah/Spanish touched the ball. The Gator fans got all kinds of pissed at that one after a while. Good times...

Tonight our boy is all growed up, and it's his big night. I'm so proud. Join me in yelling "He's gonna do one more!" whenever Noah gets to shoot a second free throw.

D

Who says you can't learn anything from TV?

Apparently, these jerkasses watched a little too much Lost:
Cocaine smuggled in Virgin Mary statues




I'm sure Mr. Echo and Charlie would be proud.

D