I got 2 words for ya...

Merry Christmas.

D

Unwrap your presents with care...

Actually watched SNL last week for the first time in forever and got to see this. It was funnier then because I was hammered, but at least now you can see it uncensored.




I'd rather have a chick in a box.

D

Tales of Dickery: Stuart and the Feat of Strength

Stuart has done some stupid things since I’ve known him. And to be honest, I’ve done more than my fair share too. But mine don’t end up getting blogged about. Well, at least not by him anyways…

Stuart and the Feat of Strength
We were sitting on the couch watching TV (why do these all start like an episode of Beavis and Butthead?) when we got into an argument about something (something dumb, I’m sure). Stuart claimed to be better at something and then followed it up with a “he could kick my ass.”

Instead of actually getting into a fight and pummeling the ever living shit out of him, and then getting grounded for it; I decided to prove that I also had the better mental faculties to boot. So I challenged him to a make-shift Feat of Strength.

I told him to take his right hand and put it in my right hand, like we were helping each other up. We would stand across from each other and pull towards ourselves and whoever pulled the other over won bragging rights.

Stuart was still younger and smaller, and also dumber, so there was no way he could win. But he was really fired up and I let him believe he could for a few seconds as we started.

He pulled and pulled and I made a face that was supposed to look like I was struggling, but probably really looked like I was wrestling with a massive deuce. So he pulled and pulled, and I just started smiling. Before he realized what was going on and could stop… I let go.

And he punched himself square in the face, knocking himself to the floor.

Ahhhh… I’m rewinding those precious moments and watching them over and over in my mind right now.

The first words, not corrupted by laughter, out of my mouth were something like “Hey, I didn’t touch you. That was all you.”

As I helped him off the floor, I told him “You know that was really a tie ‘cause the grip was broken. You wanna try it again to see who wins?”

He politely declined, well as polite as “Fuck you” can be, and went looking for ice. I totally got in trouble for that, but it was worth it. It so was because I’m still enjoying it right now.

*whack!*

Ahhhh…that’s good stuff.

D

Bowl-a-rama!

I’d like this set of picks to be as fun as last year’s was to make, but that took an incredible amount of research and goofing around on the Internet. Actually, the research was an incredible amount. The goofing around was a legendary amount. But that’s neither here nor there.

This year’s picks won’t have the benefit of being able to link to hot chicks that play a school’s mascot or anything, it’ll just be what I know off the top of my head or gather from ESPN. And it’ll probably be just a plain ol’ pick, with possible commentary if I just can’t help myself. Here we go…

Dec. 19
Poinsettia, ESPN2 8 p.m., TCU (7-5) vs. Northern Illinois (10-2)

Dec. 21
Las Vegas, ESPN 8 p.m., Oregon (7-5) vs. BYU (10-2)

Dec. 22
New Orleans, ESPN 8 p.m., Troy (7-5) vs. Rice (7-5)

Dec. 23
Armed Forces, ESPN 8 p.m., Utah (7-5) vs. Tulsa (8-4)

New Mexico, ESPN 4:30 p.m., New Mexico (6-6) vs. San Jose St. (8-4)

PapaJohns.com, ESPN2 1 p.m., East Carolina (7-5) vs. South Florida (8-4)
When the Golden Bulls were playing (and beating) West Virginia, I told someone: “You know, they don’t win a lot of games; but they do win the big ones.” This’ll be another of those big wins for South Florida.

Dec. 24
Hawaii, ESPN 8 p.m., Arizona State (7-5) vs. Hawaii (10-3)

Dec. 26
Motor City, ESPN 7:30 p.m., C. Michigan (9-4) vs. Middle Tenn. (7-5)

Dec. 27
Emerald, ESPN 8 p.m., Florida State (6-6) vs. UCLA (7-5)

Dec. 28
Holiday, ESPN 8 p.m., Texas A&M (9-3) vs. California (9-3)
Oh this one sucks. 2 evenly matched 9-3 teams? I’d say that it a pick ‘em, but I have to actually pick one here don’t I? Fine. How about… Cal.


Texas, NFL Net. 8 p.m., Rutgers (10-2) vs. Kansas State (7-5)
The Scarlet Knights will be out to prove that they were worth all the talk that they got for the majority of the season. Unfortunately, it’s the Texas Bowl and no one’s gonna give a damn.

Independence, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Oklahoma State (6-6) vs. Alabama (6-6)

Dec. 29
Champs Sports, ESPN 8 p.m., Purdue (8-5) vs. Maryland (8-4)

Insight, NFL Net. 7:30 p.m., Minnesota (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
“No Maroney means Minnesota’s bologna.” Hmmm… sounds right but looks wrong. Probably what my prediction will be.

Liberty, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Houston (10-3) vs. South Carolina (7-5)
A 10-3 record and being Conference USA Champs isn’t enough to get past a Spurrier-coached South Carolina team that’s ready to stop under-performing.

Sun, CBS 2 p.m., Missouri (8-4) vs. Oregon State (9-4)
Heh heh… Beavers.

Music City, ESPN 1 p.m., Kentucky (7-5) vs. Clemson (8-4)

Dec. 30
Chick-fil-A, ESPN 8 p.m., Virginia Tech (10-2) vs. Georgia (8-4)
So many things to say about UGAy. And they’re all bad. Instead, I’ll just say that VA Tech will be firing on all cylinders for offense, defense and Beamer’s special teams; and there’s not a whole hell of a lot that UGA will be able to do about it. Because they suck.

Alamo, ESPN 4:30 p.m., Texas (9-3) vs. Iowa (6-6)
Texas is gonna be pissed that they’re playing in the Alamo Bowl instead of playing for the BCS Title like they thought they would a few months ago. They can be pissed all they want but it’s their own fault for screwing up 3 times this year and relegating themselves here.

Meineke Car Care, ESPN2 1 p.m., Boston College (9-3) vs. Navy (9-3)
Heart says Navy. Head says BC. The coin tosses have it: BC it is.

Dec. 31
MPC Computers, ESPN 7:30 p.m., Nevada (8-4) vs. Miami (Fla.) (6-6)
You think Coker can coax one more win out of this team before he packs his bags and high-tails it out of Coral Gables? Me too.

Jan. 1
Fiesta, FOX 8 p.m., Oklahoma (11-2) vs. Boise State (12-0)
Damn. Another hard one. It’s size versus speed. And how good is Boise St. off the Smurf Turf? Guess it’s time to put ‘em on the table and pick… Oklahoma.

Rose, ABC 5 p.m., Southern Cal. (10-2) vs. Michigan (11-1)

Capital One, ABC 1 p.m., Arkansas (10-3) vs. Wisconsin (11-1)

Gator, CBS 1 p.m., Georgia Tech (9-4) vs. W. Virginia (10-2)
Reggie Ball. That’s all that needs to be said.

Cotton, FOX 11:30 a.m., Nebraska (9-4) vs. Auburn (10-2)

Outback, ESPN 11 a.m., Penn State (8-4) vs. Tennessee (9-3)

Jan. 2
Orange, FOX 8 p.m., Wake Forest (11-2) vs. Louisville (11-1)
I initially had Louisville, but have since changed my mind. I'll probably regret it.

Jan. 3
Sugar, FOX 8 p.m., LSU (10-2) vs. Notre Dame (10-2)
Let’s see if Notre Dame can put their money where their mouths are and play up to their potential against a team that seems to outmatch them.

Jan. 6
International, ESPN Noon, W. Michigan (8-4) vs. Cincinnati (7-5)
The “Who gives a shit Bowl” has been conveniently located in a city where they probably don’t give a shit.

Jan. 7
GMAC, ESPN 8 p.m., Southern Miss (8-5) vs. Ohio (9-4)

Jan. 8
BCS Title, FOX 8 p.m., Ohio State (12-0) vs. Florida (12-1)


This is gonna hurt.

D

Holiday Wish List

I’ve got my 2 front teeth, so here’s some of the other shit I want for Christmas…

A new job as a firefighter
An X-Box 360
The Southern Century
A digital camera
How I Met Your Mother: Season 1
Risk
Anything GSU
Transformers 20th Anniversary DVD
A laptop
A nice slip cover for the couch
To be the Derek that’s banging Jessica Biel
GSU Eagle head logo tattoo
A whole bunch of Golden Toe dress socks and XLT undershirts (Jesus, I really am getting old.)
Whirled peas
A threesome with Kate Beckinsale and Keira Knightly

What? The threesome? It’s no more wishful thinking than some of the others at this point, so let me have my dreams. Let me have my dreams I said!!!

D

Hiatus Schmiatus

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The leaves have turned color, birds have migrated, girls have put away their skirts and short shorts (for the most part), and my shows are going on hiatus leaving me with tons of unanswered questions like:

-Who are the other 5 cylons?
-Is Peter Petrelli really the bomb to blow up New York?
-What in the hell happened to the U.S. outside the town of Jericho?
-How will Jordan respond to Danny’s love bombshell?
-Will Kate, Sawyer and Jack escape the Others?
-Do I really even care about Lost anymore?
-How bad is Smallville’s incarnation of the Justice League gonna suck?
-How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

I must know!!!

But instead of answers; I get re-runs, mid-season fill-in shows, mini-series (mini-serieses? mini-serii?) and a whole bunch of other filler that will help keep my life as meaningless and trivial as usual:

-Bowl games
-college basketball
-the possibility of good mid-season replacement shows
-the inevitable “mini-series events” that’ll crop up
-scores of bad television movies (I’m looking at you, SciFi Channel)
-a handful of Georgia Southern home basketball games
-my chili cooking
-a few “accidental” drunks on the couch
-a new video game or 2

I guess to say that I won’t be spending just as much time stretched out on the couch with my first 2 loves (that’d be the TV and beer) would probably just be an outright lie and we all know it. So, instead I’ll just say that I’ll probably be on the couch just as much; but slightly bitter, less enamored and possibly drunker.

It’s somewhat a hollow victory, I know.

D

Tales of Dickery

A little while ago I had a random memory of something funny (at least I thought it was funny) that I did to my step-brother Stuart when we were younger. And then I had another. And another. And for some reason, I just felt the need to write them down…

And in all fairness, I was doing this to my step-brother (and he wasn’t even that at that point); so this really can’t be looked upon as real dickery. It was family business.

Who knew being a dick could be so much fun?

Stuart Spices Up His Schnoz
We were watching a cartoon and they did the whole “black pepper makes you sneeze” bit. So he asked me if that actually worked. I wanted to see if he’d actually try it, so I said “yes”. He promptly went into the kitchen but came back with something other than black pepper.

“We don’t have any of the black kind, but we have this flaky red stuff.”

“Oh. Well, that works even better.” I said.

So the little bugger pours some of the pepper out into his hand and begins to snort it like Rick James on holiday. It takes just a few seconds for everything to register with him and he begins to scream his head off. I kid you not, I actually thought he was going to pull his nose off and throw it at me.

Amidst all the screaming, crying and my laughing; I heard him ask what he was supposed to do.

“Flush it out with water.” Was the sage advice I gave him. I mean it sounded like a good idea at the time.

So the little retard goes into the kitchen and leans in under the faucet…upside down. I stood there in the kitchen and watched him half drown himself in the kitchen sink thinking that I could have made less of a mess by flushing him out with a garden hose. But I guess it worked. With the sheer amount of water that was going all over him and the kitchen and down his throat, some of it had to actually go through his nasal passages at some point.

A couple of pounds on the back to clear him out, a few wet towels and some dry clothes later; and we were back on the couch watching TV again. Understandably, Stuart was a little hesitant to ask me about stuff on TV being true after that.

I never could convince him to try the banana peel bit or that stepping on a rake doesn’t hurt at all….

D

Boogity boogity boogity!

We’re goin’ racin’! Well, running actually. Weeell, more like jogging to be honest. Fine, plodding along like Mudman if you really want to get specific about it.

In addition to the chili cook-off that was held Thursday, there was also a 5K Reindeer Race through downtown as well. And that is to mean that you run for 5 kilometers, not that there were 5,000 reindeer running through downtown Statesboro. Although, that’d be frickin sweet.

Anyhoo, there was a 5k race, and I didn’t run in it. I didn’t feel really prepared for it since I only found out about it the week before and I hadn’t done as much running as I’d liked due to work and other crapola. That, and I wanted to concentrate on my chili eating. Let nothing get in the way of my chili eating. Unless it’s my beer drinking.

But I did find out about several other 5K races in and around the ‘Boro in the next couple of months. And I’ve gone ahead and made the partially serious commitment to myself to run in them, or at least some of them. And by “partially serious commitment”, I mean that I put them on my calendar. That’s about the extent of it. The making of a rock-solid commitment would require me registering for them and also paying the registration fee. Which every time I think about paying them, I hear Chris’ voice in my head saying “Why the fuck would you pay to run? That’s fucking clown shoes.” (Yes, in my head Chris likes to use the term “clown shoes” as often as he can.)

And that’s pretty much one of the biggest things keeping me from making the commitment. No, not hearing Chris say “That’s fucking clown shoes” , it’s the paying thing. And what exactly am I paying for? Mostly a t-shirt. And some free Gatorade. Oh, and that little piece of paper that’ll have my number on it so they can identify my body when they find it on the side of the road several hours later. Hell, I can make my own t-shirt (“The 1st Annual SBDA 5K Plod & Hurl!”), and just run until I pass out in an area where someone that finds me will know to wake me up by pouring beer on me.

But I’ve always wanted to run one. Not to win it, because there’s absolutely no way in Hades that I could. But just to run and finish it and to say “You know what? I did that. Fuck yeah!” Kinda like after banging a hot girl. And ironically I would have to call Chris after both.

So, right now I’m at the “partially serious” phase, and I’ll see where I stand (financially and conditioning) after a couple of weeks of running. Then I’ll be in a better position to gage if I can really go and test myself and how much of an ass I’ll make of myself in the process.

D

Update:
After discovering that 5K isn't as far as I thought (I was thinking 4 miles instead of the 3.2 that it is), I realized that I currently run farther than that when I go now. But, being the massive fan of hyperbole that I am, I refuse to go back and change anything in this post.

“C” is for chili, that’s good enough for me!

On a cold, Winter night; there’s very few (non-sexual) things that feel as good or warm you up as much as eating a bowl of chili.

But when you don’t have a bowl of chili, between 15 and 20 tiny cups full of it and handfuls of saltine crackers will have to suffice. Especially if some of those cups are full of some good, spicy Fire Department chili. Those guys can make some mean chili.

My first chili cook-off ended up being a rousing success. The only thing that it was missing was copious amounts of beer. Sobriety aside; it was still good to be out, see some friends (Merritt, Jake & Turner), cheer on some runners, bite my tongue to avoid telling kids there was no Santa, and (most importantly) eat some free chili.

There were about 10 entries total, and I’d say that it was split pretty evenly: the top 5 were really good and the bottom 5 were absolutely horrible. And not horrible as in bad tasting. But horrible as in really having no taste at all or just being way too runny like a soup.

The 2 best (for me anyways) were what seemed to be a barbeque sauce based chili (we guessed KC Masterpiece) and the SFD’s good-&-hot-but-not-too-hot, thick chili. The worst was definitely Larry’s Giant Subs’ chili, which that had the most promise of all. It had big chunks of meat, veggies and beans; but had almost no taste at all. I was almost mad that it came up so short.

And I did get some good laughs from volunteers, judges and contestants when they saw that I brought Hank and Alfonse along with me. I was hoping to garner some sort of “biggest chili fan” award, but no such luck. And poor Alfonse didn’t even get to get in on the action. It was all Hank, that greedy little red & silver SOB.

If I could have run in the race before hand, the day/evening would've probably been a little bit better. And all the “you’re not running?” that I got really was enough to make me want to do it next year to work up an appetite for some chili. Or throw up a bunch of chili later on, but whatever.

So until next year’s Holiday Chili Cook-off, I’ll keep the chili posts to a minimum. Or at least until I find out about another cook-off.

D

Do the Japanese make chili?

While I was writing up my declaration of war on some chili, I remembered an email that I got once; and a coworker swore that she pictured me the whole time she read it. I think if you did sub me in there for that poor bastard, it’d be like SBDA put on its own chili cook-off. “Oooh look! Big, Dumb American about to eat our special wasabi chili! He gonna burn!”

So here’s that Texas Chili Cook-off email, but I’ve lovingly replaced the guy’s name with my own. Maybe that’ll make it a little funnier for you guys to think of me going through this.

-------

Derek : "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Miller Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Derek) -- Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

------

Both Hank and Alfonse (just in case) are patiently waiting in the car, ready to sample as much chili as possible. I can't freakin' wait. I better not be disappointed...

D

Dynasty

One entry found for dynasty.
Main Entry: dy·nas·ty
Pronunciation: 'dI-n&-stE also -"nas-tE, especially British 'di-n&-stE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 : a succession of rulers of the same line of descent
2 : a powerful group or family that maintains its position for a considerable time
3 : The University of North Carolina Tar Heels Women’s Soccer Team

-----
To paraphrase Coach Dean Smith: “The University of North Carolina isn’t a men’s basketball school… it’s a women’s soccer school.”

The Lady Tar Heels won their 18th National Championship against Notre Dame on Sunday, which is approximately 16 more than their nearest competitor… Notre Dame. That’s Carolina's 18th championship in the 25-year history of the Women's College Cup. To further drive the point home, that’s 72%. I’d say that qualifies as a dynasty.

Congrats, ladies.

D

Everything’s better with chili

All last week I kept hearing a commercial (no XM in the rental monster truck) for a chili cook-off and flag football tournament in Savannah. And I remember thinking: “Oh, man I love chili….” I also remember thinking: “Damn. Why doesn’t Statesboro ever have a chili cook-off? This blows!”

But not all chili-eating hope is lost. That very afternoon after I claimed that it blew, I received an email with an attachment that said the ‘Boro would indeed be having a chili cook-off of its own.

Thursday will be the 2nd annual Chili Cook-Off Competition in the annual downtown Holiday Celebration. And I will be there. More importantly, I will be there with my very own, trusted chili spoon (his name is Hank). That spoon and I have been through many a bowl of chili together, and quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather share a bowl of chili with. Except Jessica Biel.

They’re gonna have categories for: Overall Best Chili, People’s Choice, Meat, Veggie, With Beans, No Beans, & Best Restaurant Chili. And if I feel so inclined, I might just review them myself. And, the chili gods willing, I might be able to volunteer to be a judge. That might be the culmination of my life right there. And I’m actually fine with that.

So if anyone cares to join me Thursday shortly after 5:00, give me a call. Hank and I will be glad to let you tag along. And if you play your cards right, you may even get to use Alfonse- Hank’s identical, yet Latin, brother.

D

Settin’ ‘em up & knockin’ ‘em down

That’s right, I’m talking about bowling. Well, more like Bowl-ing anyways.

It’s just about time to start printing off the list of Bowl games & participants, busting out the highlighter, and then agonizing over whether a struggling 7 win team can beat a slightly-less struggling 8 win team. And coin tosses. Lots of coin tosses. Oh, and of course my picking against UGA even if they end up playing the worst team that happens to get a bid to play in the Toilet Bowl.

This Sunday the selections will all be made official and that means Monday I will probably be useless at work. More so than usual. And speaking of useless, that'll probably pretty much sum up my attempts at picking the majority of the winners this year. Pretty much the same as last year. And the year before. And all the preceding years before that. But hey, at least I’m consistent.

So deodorize your rental cleats and polish off your balls, we’re going Bowling.

D

Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia

http://www.georgiasouthern.edu/centennial/

A Proclamation
GEORGIA SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY DAY

WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern University was founded December 1, 1906, as First District Agricultural and Mechanical School; and
WHEREAS:
This establishment has continuously adapted its mission to meet the needs of the citizens of Georgia as Georgia Normal School, South Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Teachers College, Georgia Southern College, and, presently, Georgia Southern University; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is a Carnegie Doctoral Research University and one of the largest, most comprehensive public universities in all of South Georgia; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern has served as a positive economic and social force, bettering the lives of the citizens of our state. This university has committed itself to a future of innovative and energetic public service in the greatest tradition of higher education; and
WHEREAS:
Georgia Southern is now beginning a year-long celebration of its first century of service; now
THEREFORE:
I, SONNY PERDUE of the state of Georgia, do hereby proclaim December 1, 2006, as Georgia Southern University Day in Georgia.

In witness thereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the Executive Department of be affixed this first day of November in the year of our Lord two thousand six.

Sonny Perdue
Governor
-------

Well, Sonny got one thing right.

D

This is upgrading?

Dropped this off to get fixed:

<-- Ye, olde Vue








Thought I'd get this as the rental:

<-- El Sentra






Ended up getting this as the "upgrade":










<-- Big, friggin' huge Titan










Not exactly what I had in mind. But it's different. Haven't really decided if I like it or not yet though. I'll give it another day or so.

D

Where’s “What’s up, doc?”

TV Land has compiled its list of the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”, and reading through it is like a Who’s Who of all the “people” who helped baby-sit and raise me over the years. It’s also a little scary to look at this and realize that it’s half of my lexicon. Ok, it’s more than a little scary.

In alphabetical order, TV Land's list:

_"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
_"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
_"Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)
_"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
_"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
_"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
_"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
_"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
_"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
_"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
_"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
_"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
_"Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
_"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
_"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
_"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
_"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
_"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
_"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
_"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
_"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
_"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
_"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
_"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
_"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
_"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
_"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
_"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
_"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
_"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
_"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
_"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
_"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
_"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
_"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")
_"I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
_"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
_"I'm Rick James, bitch!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
_"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
_"It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
_"It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)
_"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
_"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
_"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
_"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
_"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
_"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
_"Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
_"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
_"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
_"Norm!" ("Cheers")
_"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
_"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
_"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
_"One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)
_"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
_"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
_"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
_"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
_"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
_"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
_"Smile, you're on `Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")
_"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
_"Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
_"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
_"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
_"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
_"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
_"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
_"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
_"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
_"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
_"This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
_"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
_"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
_"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
_"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Welcome to the O.C., bitch" (Luke, "The O.C.")
_"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
_"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
_"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
_"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
_"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
_"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
_"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
_"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
_"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
_"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
_"Yeah, that's the ticket" ( Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
_"You look mahvelous!" ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
_"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
_"You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show")
-------------

“Suit up!”? That actually made it into the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”? I mean, really? And something like “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” didn’t? What about “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener…” or “Cause Stone Cold said so!”? Those didn’t cut it?

But what do I know? I’m the guy who would’ve suggested they put in “Who wears short shorts?”

D

I demand respect for using the word "lexicon".

Best. Channel. Ever.

As I mentioned after going to the Transplant’s wedding, Tuscaloosa has the best channel ever:

“Traffic Channel”!

I kid you not. It’s that damned good.

The screen cycles through 4 different traffic cameras around the city, shows a Doppler screen with current weather, and also offers up the Homeland Security Threat Warning color level too.

But it’s the traffic cams that make it. You’d never think sitting there watching traffic would be so entertaining. But I assure you, it is. So much so, that it was the only thing that Yogus and I watched all Friday, part of Saturday, and one last time on Sunday before we left.

We sat there trying to track cars through the screens, busted out the map to figure out where the intersections were, and yelled at each other about how you can’t just pick the white truck to follow because half of them are white. We also toyed with the idea of trying to make a banner and hang it over the bridge in front of one of the cams, but decided against it. Just think how funny a sign that says “Even people in Alabama think VanGorder should be fired!” would be.

Then came the bright idea to bring Traffic Channel to the ‘Boro. Northland Cable would have the biggest hit ever. At least for the first couple of weeks until it’s taken off the air because of all the accidents; Chinese fire drills; excessive nudity; and blatant disregard for any federal, state, local or FCC laws. But it would be pure, absolute gold until then.

We also thought about replacing the elevator musak that they had with our own live DJs who could take calls and emails, and do a little play by play for the drive times. But then we kept running into all the violations again. Maybe we should see if HBO or Showtime would pick it up…

Sadly, we screwed ourselves on our best idea when forgot to tape 6 hours worth of Traffic Channel to bring back to show everyone just how damned wonderful watching 4 static cameras can be. It could have been passed around and had copies made just like that tape in The Ring, except this tape gets you wasted instead of dead.

D

Christmas comes early

And from Britney Spears no less...



Britney To Give Away Sex Tape?

When? When damnit?!

D

As close to “Pimp My Ride” as I’ll probably ever get

Went to see the claims adjuster this morning to see what all the damage was gonna total up to. Not that I really cared all that much because The Gecko is gonna pay for it, and I will incur no expense. At least, I better not.

After parts and labor, they’re looking at dropping about $2,300 bucks to replace the bumper, some safety features and the tailgate/hatch door/whatever the hell that thing is. The guy even factored in a $6 “VUE” logo on the back since he said those things crack easily when trying to remove them.

They’re even providing me with a rental car for the 5 days or so that I’ll be sans Grimlock. I just have to call them tomorrow to make sure that there will be something available for me when I drop it off on Monday. I hope it’s something cool and sporty. But I’ll probably end up with a stupid Ford Taurus, or better yet, a frickin’ Focus.

The claims adjuster was really nice and even asked me if he thought they were speedy enough during the whole process or if anything could have been done differently. Not having any prior accident experience, I told him that I didn’t have anything to compare it to; but everything went smoothly enough for me. The fact that it was drivable and made it to and from Tuscaloosa was enough to pacify me really.

While it sucks that I’m not gonna get to make any money off this, it’s a relief to know that I’m really not having to do a whole hell of a lot in order to get this all done. Or spend any money. Sweet.

D

Slutty Pumpkins, Not Mobys, & Pineapples Oh My!

How I Met You Mother: Season 1 is now available on DVD.

If you’ve never watched this show, you’re severely depriving yourself. With Scrubs not back on the air just yet, I maintain that this is probably the funniest (if not the best) half-hour on television right now. Dare I say it? I do… even more so than My Name is Earl or The Office. There. I said it.

I’ll just add this to the Library of Congress-sized list of the TV on DVD sets that I want.

D

"Will drink for Internet!"

I feel really disconnected from the Internet, like I don’t have a clue as to what’s going on anywhere. Back in the pre-Internet Embargo days, I knew about everything that was going on. Sports, comics, TV, movies, news, etc… You name it, I probably knew more about it than you did, or at least knew about it a little earlier. But now, I’m lucky if I know what I’m doing 10 minutes from now.

Every time I get on the computer now, I really probably only have about 30 minutes of activity. And it’s all usually after work and before I go running or do errands. So I pretty much go to the same places every time, however briefly. It’s really neither quality nor quantity.

Today’s the first day I’ve been able to actually have some quality time with my beloved Interweb, and yet I keep freezing up. I guess I’m like a kid in a candy store or me in a liquor store: too many options and my brain overloads, so I just stand there looking at the same bottle of Beam for 15 minutes. I’m just not used to it any more.

I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again now (and I’ll probably say it again in the future): I need to get a computer.

Here's hoping that I stumble upon a great deal on a laptop, and actually find myself in the 21st century.

D

Welcome to Thunderdome

VS

Yes, as some of you may have heard (or seen on ESPN2 or Sportscenter), my beloved Eagles went into Cameron and took on those dispicable Dook Blue Devils.

The held their own in the first half and gave those Crazies a little bit of a scare. But in the 2nd half it got away from us, and Duke did what Duke does and went and put us away.

I'm just proud as shit that Georgia Southern played as well as they did, for as long as they did. And if that effort was any indication of things to come this season, then I'll be a happy Eagle for the rest of the season.

The next big opponent for the Eagles: Illinois.

Go Eagles!

D

No Runaway Bride this time...

I spent the past weekend in Tuscaloosa for The Transplant’s wedding. And I’m really trying my best to remember everything that went on, but the fact that I drank like a friggin’ fish for most of the time doesn’t help a ton. I may require a little assistance from The Blonde if she decides to chime in down under in the comments section.

Friday:
Left with Yogus for the 6 & ½ hour trek to Tuscaloosa at around 7:30 am in order to make sure we got there early and had time for everything. And Jesus am I glad that we did. A couple of the groomsmen were late (and missed the rehearsal) and I thought Michael’s head was gonna explode.

After 5 & ½ hours of hearing ESPN Radio talking about Rutgers (I hate Rutgers now), Yogus and I get to the hotel, check in, sift through the gift bag, find the tiny bottle of wine, and proceed to do a 2 person wine toss. Funny yes, but barely enough to whet our whistle.

Skip past the 2 groomsmen-shy rehearsal and dinner, and we land at what could be the last Middleground show ever. 2 hours and change later and the guys have sufficiently rocked the taints right off everyone in the whole damned bar. And I’m still sober. Yep, I managed to make it through an entire Middleground show sober. Well, sober for me anyways. And only because I ended up getting hosed and becoming the guy who gets to load all the equipment into his car and make sure it gets back to the hotel. Awesome.

After a last beer at the bar, Yogus and I manage to find a gas station that wasn’t closed for cleaning between the hours of 2 and 4, and I get some beer to drink at the hotel. A few minutes of watching the best channel in the world (I’m saving that for its own post) later, and we head down to drink and have some cigarettes outside. We talked the security guard into letting us sit out there for a half hour. 2 and a half (and all the beer later), and we call it a night.

Saturday:
We’re supposed to be somewhere for pictures at 1:30. 1:30! We dragged our asses out of bed around 12, mostly due to Michael’s incessant calling (he was none too pleased when I told him we were up ‘til 5am). We make our way to the University Club for pictures (on time too) and then get to play the waiting game. For like an hour. Photographer shows up, we take the pictures, and then all the groomsman not related to Avant haul ass to the hotel bar to get a beer and watch as much of the Georgia Southern – Furman game as we can before we have to be at the church. Stupid bar wasn’t open, so we run upstairs to watch a few minutes and then head over.

Ushering goes like a semi-orchestrated train wreck, I don’t trip on the way down, the flower girl uses maybe 15 petals out of the entire bucket, the ring bearer plays with a needle most of the time and probably had to go to the bathroom the entire time, both Michael and Lydia actually say “I do”, Michael almost cries, no one wins the bet because we all bet he would, I kinda snicker when I hear that he’s written some of his own vows, the Unity candle actually lights, The Blonde cries again while reading her spiel, I don’t trip and take the assigned bridesmaid with me, and everything goes okey dokey. That was the wedding.

The Reception was, well, a reception. Lots of beer, lots of making fun of people, lots of me not dancing, Yogus and I rearranging the replica GSU National Championship flags on the Groom’s cake in chronological order, doing dirty things with the veggie table, all of the groomsmen almost starting a Tuscaloosa chapter of the Eagle Club after we ran into an alum out there, and a few other hazy things.

But it was getting all kinds of wasted (doing nothing but shots) at the hotel bar in this classy outfit that really made my night. Well, other than the wedding.



That is nothing but class right there.

Sunday:
Got to brunch to try and soak up as much of the booze as I could so we could make another Homeward Bound-esque trip. Said goodbyes and congratulations and headed off. Got back without incident, picked up the Future Overlord, and finally unpacked. Then I proceeded to drink all the beer and liquor in the house until I ran out at 3 in the morning. I may have a problem.

All I wanna know now is, who’s getting married next?

D


Dirty veggies.

Grimlock takes one in the tailpipe

Okey dokey. First there was “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

And I didn’t think it could get much more aggravating than that. Well, I didn’t want any more aggravation than that, so I decided to avoid all the waiting and other non-pleasantries that would accompany voting and I just said “Fuck it”. I know. I’m a bad American. It’s cool though. I’ll just get adopted by the Japanese (and I’d be a giant over there too!).

Anyways, I skipped voting and went home to eat and get ready to take the Future Overlord to Tommy & Kelley’s to get him acclimated over there since Kelley will be watching him this weekend. But before I left I remembered that I needed to take X3 back to the store as to avoid having to pay a late fee and spending more money the most “Meh”-worthy movie I can recall seeing. So I decided to drop it off on the way instead of going straight over.

“Dear Loki,
Why didn’t I just take it back afterwards? Oh, yeah. Because I’m on “Screw Big, Dumb American!” that’s why. Damnit.”

So I drop off the movie, head on over to Tommy & Kelley’s, and then comes the coup de grace of the day:

Getting rear ended like a prisoner on Oz.

It’s nothing real bad though. Grimlock just got a few flesh wounds. Take a look:

I was just sitting there at a red light, minding my own business, and probably thinking of something random and useless; when *WHAM!* Stuff starts flying forward, I thought the dog was gonna join me up front, and I got knocked out of my flip flops.

The first thing I did after putting the hazard lights on was get out and check on the dog, then the damage, and then see how bad the other car was. The lady that hit me creamed her little PT Cruiser. There was a fire in the engine and everything. I would have thought it cooler except for all the smoke billowing into the car via the let down windows for Brody.

It took all of about a minute for a cop to show up as he was about 50 yards away writing someone a ticket on the side of the road. And the whole thing really didn’t last but maybe 10-15 minutes as he gathered all the info and then let me go since my car was still in good condition to drive. Hers? Not so much. She had to be towed.

Later, on the way home, I just thought that if something else happened to me that night, on the way home or afterwards, I was gonna lose it and end SBDA a little prematurely. But then I remembered that I’d be missing a lot of good TV, so there went that empty threat.

I know it could have been a lot worse. I do. I just don’t know why the Japanese find it so damned funny to consistently piss me off. I guess I’m their live-action version of Homer Simpson or something.

D

Big, Dumb American and the Next to Last Crusade

I need to get off this damned show. It’s killing me ever-so slowly with days like yesterday that are chock-full of suckiness.

First was a trip to the doctor’s office for a quick check-up/exam. I was in and out in an hour, so not so bad really. Could have done without the $30 co-pay though. Then came the trip to get the medicine which tested my patience to its limits. I’m now referring to this as “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

Went to Eckerd’s, which is 2 buildings up from the doctor’s office, because they’re usually pretty quick with the medicine and well, it’s really close to the doctor’s office. I walk up and ask if the prescription has been called in, but it hadn’t been. So I wait, make a few trips around the store, and skim half the newest Men’s Health for probably 20-something minutes before I go and ask them again. Still no joy. But they said they’d call to get it. Another few trips around the store and an imaginary shopping spree later, and they call me up to the desk to tell me that they don’t have 1 of the 2 needed ingredients. Fanfuckingtastic. So they want to know if I’d like to come back tomorrow to see if they have it (notice the “if”) or they can call over to somewhere else to try and get it filled today. I opt for option #2 so I can get the damned medicine that day (hopefully), and I head on over to Wal-Mart for the second part of “Prescription Adventure ’06!”

Ah, Wally World: one of the Earth’s best places to waste some time; along with Barnes & Noble, Target, Dos Primos, the organization aisle at Lowe’s (or Home Depot), and Tommy & Kelley’s house. But also one of man’s greatest enemies when it comes to trying not to spend money. Along with Dos.

A medium-lengthed jaunt through Wally World later, and I head over to the Pharmacy. It’s not ready. What a shocker. In order to avoid spending any more money than I’m about to, I park it on one of the benches in front of the Pharmacy. A short nap later and they begin with the Spanish Inquisition because I’ve never filled a prescription there before. When it’s ready, I ask why it’s in 2 bottles instead of the one it’s normally in. Apparently there’s been a mix up with the called-in order. Crappopotamous! So about another 10-15 minutes later, I have what damned well better be the medical equivalent of the water that Indiana Jones gave his father out of the Holy Grail in “The Last Crusade.” So, “Prescription Adventure ’06!” was over, and it only took a little over 3 hours.

Now, I’m sure that some of you are wondering why I didn’t just leave and come back later to pick up my prescription later on; and I’d just like to take a second to thank you for being a new reader to “Screw Big, Dumb American.” You see, as my faithful readers know and can attest: I’m a frickin’ idiot. That’s why the Japanese love me so much. That, and I’m not afraid of the physical comedy.

Ah, so. That’s the first part of the Double Whammy. And there I thought that was about as bad as it could get. And no, I didn’t actually say to myself “It can’t possibly get any worse.” That’s just an engraved invitation for SBDA to make something else happen. But apparently I don’t even have to say it anymore….

D

Lowered X-pectations

I finally got around to seeing X3: The Last Stand this weekend. And for some reason, I still don’t really know how I feel about it. I know for a fact that it was no where near as good as the first two, but I can’t really decide whether or not I liked it.

I mean, there were parts that I did really like (“Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”), and there were some parts that I either didn’t like or just found myself yelling out “lame!” or “oh, that’s bullshit!” Ok, so there were a lot of those last parts. Not to mention all the holes in the plot line and the “Why? Why would you do that?” moments.

But despite all those moments where I nerded out and yelled at the TV, I can’t just come out and say “That was a really bad movie and I really didn’t like it.” (I have Chris to do that for me.) Maybe it’s just like one of those run of the mill summer action movies that you see and don’t really invest a whole lot of anything in. Like something The Rock would be in. And it’s a shame that I’m referring to an X-Men movie like that.

I just wish that I had the chance to watch it again to really make up my mind. Unfortunately, it’s a 2 night rental and I don’t have the time to sit down and watch it again before I have to take it back.

I think that maybe if it’s on sale during the holidays I may pick it up, if only to complete the set. I mean, it can’t be any worse than some of the other crap DVDs I own right? Right?

D

And after seeing X3, I had a veritable “chicken or the egg” problem that I needed solved. I got this straight from IMDB:

“Cain Marko's line "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" was inspired by a popular web parody film that made use of scenes from "X-Men The Animated Series." Throughout the parody , the Juggernaut character repeatedly says, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch." According to the Wikipedia, Brett Ratner even has a link to this parody on his own website. (Whether or not the parody itself was inspired by a mis-heard line from an old X-Men video game is irrelevant to film's usage of this line, since it's clearly an homage to the web parody)”

Hanner Hooligans assemble!

Well, football season is effectively over now; with no shot at either a SoCon title or even a spot in the playoffs. About all I have left is to hope we win out, beat Vermin, and pray that we finish with a winning season. So basically, we’re just playing for pride and to really fuck somebody else over. And as much as I hate to start thinking about this in November, it’s just about time to start thinking about basketball.



It looks like we should hopefully have a good season on the hardwood, as we’re picked to finish 2nd in our division this year. The addition of several big men to an already strong and experienced roster, could have a thing or two to do with it. If this new 6’11” cat can play, then we’ll be looking at a really strong chance at the SoCon title and an auto-bid into the Big Dance. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or myself.

There’s a couple of chances to pull off major upsets, or to have our collective asses handed to us by some high profile teams: Illinois, Clemson, and possibly Dook (I mean, Duke) if we can win in their early season tourney. That game would be on ESPN2 by the way. Then of course there are the conference rivals and media darlings: Davidson and College of Charleston. Not an easy road there either.

But perhaps the biggest game of the season, with the usual division/conference title implications on the line (not to mention the raw hatred), will be the last game of the regular season against Charleston; which will be televised nationally on ESPN2 @ 1:00pm. And there’s no way in Hell that we want Charleston to come into Hanner and beat us on national TV. None.

So I’ve already started marking my calendar for the games that I’ll be at, and I’m already starting my prayers that Erin Andrews will be at Hanner for that last game so I can be just like my favorite Iowa fan. Mmmmm... Erin Andrews.

Chuck Farleston!

D

“Eagles for Bush!”

While I never had any intention of voting for him back in 2000 (or ’04), I still had to have that sticker just because the 7th grader in me found it so damned funny.

Today, Bush is here in the ‘Boro to back and rally support for Republican Congressional candidate Max Burns; who apparently is so far behind his opposition, that it’ll probably take Bush and then some for him to win a seat.

And all Hell is apparently trying to break loose on GSU’s campus. Well, not all over campus (although that would be cool). From what I hear, it’s more where he’s speaking (Hanner Fieldhouse) and wherever they relegated the “free speech zone” (protesters) to be.

Luckily, I get to drive by Hanner on the way home for lunch so I may get to see a bit of the Secret Service-controlled chaos. Or I may just get stuck in enough traffic to make me hate Bush even more. We’ll see. I may or may not have more to update with later.

For now though I leave you with that great slogan that made me giggle a thousand times over: “Eagles for Bush!”

Yeah, it’s still funny to me.

D

Studio 60 on the DVD Strip

Damn it. Looks like NBC is getting ready to give Studio 60 the axe, possibly even before the season is over.

This just gives me flashbacks of another highly acclaimed, yet viewer missed, Sorkin show (which I mention every opportunity I get): Sports Night. And if they can it before the season ends, it runs the same course as another fan-favorite show that met its demise before its prime: Firefly.

Apparently, NBC has ordered 3 additional scripts for the show on top of its already planned 13; but low viewership is what’s causing it to be “imminently cancelled”. Drop offs from the first half-hour to the second show that attention-challenged viewers aren’t sticking with the show long enough for it to garner high Nielson ratings. And low ratings mean low chances of survival, even if the show is top notch.

I really really hope that this isn’t the case (maybe it’s just shoddy, initial reporting by Fox News), as Studio 60 is one of my favorite shows on TV right now. I think the last thing that we need on the air is another freaking game show or reality show. To me, that’s a prime reason why viewers can’t sit through a solid hour of television if it’s not in the 9:00 time slot (Lost and Heroes).

Regardless of if it’s to be cancelled or not, I’ll be picking it up on DVD. I’d just hate for it to be just one season of the show. Hell, at least Fox gave Arrested Development 3 seasons to find an audience before canceling the best comedy on TV.

D

A Herculean feat…

On a Derek-size scale.

I haven’t had a piece of candy in like over a month, mostly because I’m just trying to cut back on my sugar intake. But now here I am right smack dab in the middle of Halloween and all the jars, buckets and bags of all that sugary goodness. I think if I can get through the next 5 days and nights without eating any, it’ll be a task not unlike the retrieving of the Golden Fleece. Well, to me anyways.

I think I’ll be alright too, if I can manage to not drunkenly come across the world’s greatest candy bar ever:

The dreaded Take 5.

Yeah, I know. Not a whole Hell of a lot happening on SBDA right now…

D

You know what's scary?

Being a "blue" in a "red" state like Georgia.

I get hosed on all kinds of good shit because I happen to live in the Bible-belt and in a conservative state.

The latest "screwed without so much as a drink" is not being able to see a kick-ass, post-Halloween movie festival dubbed "Horrorfest".



8 movies that won't be released to the general public because they're all pussies. 8 movies that ought to be awesome to see, especially in a festival atmosphere with others who'd really enjoy them. 8 movies I won't get to see until they get released on DVD, and probably one at a time causing me a tremendous pain in the ass.

I had hoped that maybe Savannah would get it, due to it having a more of an artsy culture than say the 'Boro. But no, not so much. Hell, not even Atlanta is getting it.

Oh well. Not a whole lot I can do about it. Except rant and rave which I've already done. So I guess that means I'm done for now.

D

No career change just yet…

Damn. Found out that the City already did interviews the other day for the 2 open Firefighter positions it had. Seeing as how I didn’t get a call, I can use my Batman skills to deduce that I’m not gonna be one of those 2.

But my buddy is telling me that the new Chief wants to add an additional ladder truck to one of the stations to go out on all calls. So that would require hiring about 12 men to fill that truck on all the shifts. So hopefully sometime very soon they’ll be looking for 12 more guys.

The one positive I can come away with, is that it gives me a little more time to heal up and get ready. I’m also looking into taking the Firefighter I certificate program at night if we’re gonna offer it at school next quarter. I don’t really care about people finding out anymore.

So for now, another dream has been dashed. I’ll just sweep it up and put it in the trash with all the others. Man, I really need to change that bag as it’s getting really full.

I am not giving up though.

D

Don’t I know you?

Seems that the A.S.S. mockumentary is ever so slowly gaining a little more notoriety. Well, at least here in the ‘Boro.

2 nights in a row I was up at the bar and had someone ask me about it. Friday night’s was the best because it was so completely out of left field and just took me by surprise (not to mention giving everyone at the table a good laugh). I was stunned for a few seconds before I was able to ask him how he’d seen it. Turns out it was just in a search for “Statesboro” in YouTube (we come out on the third page along with some of those “Bubba-San” Car City commercials). He said his favorite part was my belly flop on the grass, to which I responded “Yeah, I did my own stunts.”

Saturday night had the bouncer at the door ask me about it while I was coming in. He just said that he had found it pretty much the same way with one of his friends and they had watched it a couple of times. And coincidentally, Bubba-San was at the bar that night too.

What with the small resurgence of interest, maybe I should go as good ol’ LC for Halloween this year. I’ll just be sure to wear a “Hello. My name is: Liquid Courage” nametag. Of course I’ll have to write it in crayon, make the handwriting really sloppy and possibly put the “r” backwards or something.

This almost makes me want to ask Jake to get a copy of the extended movie and put it on YouTube as well, if only for the bloopers at the end. Almost.

D

Homecoming: Two Thousand Ought Six

Ah, Homecoming week in the ‘Boro. And what a lackluster week it’s been. Last year I kinda felt the same way, but I was off campus for the first time in 9 years, so I didn’t get to see everything that was going on on campus. But this year’s seems a little worse for some reason.

Maybe it has something to do with us having a shoddy 3-3 record. Maybe there just hasn’t been a lot of promotion around town (I’m hoping that’s not the case on campus). Hell, maybe most people are just dreading the potential ridiculously embarrassing ass-whipping we could receive from the #1 team in the nation, and are trying not to think about Saturday at all. Who knows?

Well, I’m gonna try and make the most of it this weekend (as I do every year really) despite all the things that “could” happen. It’s like they say: the game’s played on the field, not in the stat sheets. Which still doesn’t inspire too much confidence in that we keep playing like a friggin’ yoyo (the “every other game” theory has us losing Saturday).

But I digress. Friday night does present itself with a good outing opportunity in that Elohsa will be playing at Dos. Haven’t seem them in quite some time, and I missed their last show because I didn’t even know they were playing. Saturday will offer the usual tailgating, albeit handicapped by a stupid 12:00 noon kickoff time. That only allows me a few hours to get “peppy” beforehand. Which, when playing “crApp State”, may or may not be enough time. Saturday night be me more of the same (having way too good of a time at Dos), but hopefully will allow a nap beforehand this time.

So that's pretty much the plan. Well, it's more of a loose guideline really. Hell, I'll probably just play it by ear really.

Oh, and before I forget:
crApp State is Hot Hot Hot!



Go Eagles!

D

Trying not to tempt fate

Or the SBDA writers.



So Detroit did one of the greatest swan dives ever at the end of the season. So they choked worse than Momma Cass and blew their chance at an AL Central Division title. So they had to settle for a wild card berth and had to face the dreaded Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. So I called 'em a buncha assholes.

So what? They're in the World frickin' Series right now.

And because I'm insanely superstitous (along with all the other insane things I am), I'm still gonna maintain that they're still a buncha assholes because that's worked for me so far.

So get rested, play well, and win it all boys. You buncha assholes.

D

Ordonez's Walk Off Homer

Paraskavedekatriaphobia

Friday the 13th. Whoopity-doo.

I really don’t give much of a rat’s ass about it anymore (I thought it was cool when I was little), with the exception of hoping that someone is running a marathon of the movies, and I get to catch my favorite: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Man, that telepathic/telekinetic chick really hands Jason his ass in the end.

And if my TV timing is really on, I might catch the best scene in Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. The scene where Jason punches the guy’s head off after he tries to outbox Jason. Dumbass.

But that's about it really. I think it's pretty much just extra paranoia in peoples' heads, much like Y2K or Jesus' return.

But what do I know?

D

Like that worm Kahn put in Chekhov’s ear

WARNING: This is one of those sucky, “my feelings” posts that isn’t of any real interest to anybody. I just felt like wallowing.
----

I feel like I’m not in complete control of my thoughts lately. Not that I can always control the randomness and thought processes that go on in my big ol’ noggin, but I can usually push things aside and forget about them for a while, if not permanently.

Not this week though. This week it’s been hard to find things that keep me busy or occupied enough to keep from thinking about something that’s just dragging me down lately. Actually, that “something” should be “someone”.

And that “someone” would be a still-smoking-hot ex, who I never really got completely over. And I had to see her all week long. Yet another reason I need to change professions.

Yes, things were friendly. Yes, I tried to play it cool. And yes, I felt like dogshit the whole week.

I found it hard to look her in the eyes when I talked to her, I had to will myself not to look over at her when I wasn’t busy, and I even had the extra-insane compulsion to go home and work out every day afterwards (like it was gonna do any good the week of). I just couldn’t win. When I was around her, I wanted to avoid her; but when I was avoiding her, I wanted to be around her. Damnit!

Friggin’ SBDA. They really decided to take a shot at my emotional cajones this week, and got a good one in. I hope they were entertained, ‘cause I sure as hell wasn’t.

Oh well, whatever. Guess I’ll deal with it the same way I usually do: gettin’ drunk.

D

Psyche!

I wanna go see a psychic.

A couple of girls that I know saw one in Savannah earlier this week, and that rekindled my interest in seeing one for my own personal amusement. And it’s also on my list of things to do before I die (which I am currently updating for your future boredom).

There used to be one here in the ‘Boro a few years back that Logan went to see, and supposedly came out white as a sheet afterwards because she was so freaky accurate and detailed. But, alas, she has relocated; and I’m not sure if she’s still in town or not. In fact, I’m not sure if there’s a psychic in town at all. Hold on, lemme check the yellow pages… Indeed there is.

According to her ad, Maria is a Psychic Reader & Advisor; and she helps you to understand your past, guide you in the present, and know your future. Who goes to see a psychic about their past? That’s what therapists are for. All anybody’s really interested in is their future, right? Well, unless maybe they have some serious compulsion about getting the best deal possible or something. Kinda like the Sam’s of the occult.

Her specialties include: Palm, Tarot Card, Crystal Readings & Soul Mate Readings. And she also hablas the ol’ espanol.

So, with a local number and addy, alls I need to do is call to see how much a session is and consider making an appointment. Anybody wanna go with?

D

Boiling Point

Ever seen that show “Boiling Points”? If not, the basic premise is this:
MTV sends people out with hidden cameras to do seriously annoying or aggravating things to unsuspecting victims, and then keep doing them to see how long it’ll take for them to snap and go apeshit. If the victim passes the predetermined time limit, they win cash.

Alright, synopsis aside; I just went through that. But without the hidden cameras and cash. And actually, without me going apeshit.

I was just hanging out talking to a few people from work when a girl asked if any of us had a cell phone she could borrow. The others said no; but I, being the noble/naive jackass that I am, said yes. I figured that she just needed to call a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever and ask for a ride home.

When she got up and started walking around the room and in and out of the hallway; I figured out this wasn’t gonna be a short call. The coworkers just laughed as they looked at my facial expressions change as I slowly figured it out. I waited and waited for her to finish up, but she never stopped.

First I quipped about hoping the other person was Verizon too. After a couple of minutes, I asked them “Hey have you guys ever seen those T-Mobile commercials where the kids just keep talking on the cell phone and the parents start yelling at them to hang up? I’m about to do that.” Before I could turn around to give her the “wrap it up” sign, she ducked into the hall again. I followed up the T-Mobile reference with “Am I on Boiling Points? ‘Cause I’m about to cost myself some cash.”

I finally got up and went out to tell her to wrap it up. And about a minute later I got my phone.

7 minutes and 32 seconds. 7 and a half minutes! You don’t spend 7 and a half minutes on a stranger’s phone unless you were just in a multiple car pile-up or you're on either side of a hot pursuit and you get to use the line “He’ll have to call you back.” That shit’s unacceptable.

So thanks, chick. From now on, if I don’t know somebody and they need to use a phone to make a call; the answers “No, sorry. I don’t have one. But he/she does!”

D

Dr. Cuervo’s Old Fashioned Wonder Tonic

Wish I could take credit for this…

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living with Tequila®. Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, eroticlustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, drymouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

D

Do I tell you how to do your job?!?!

I hate the campus-wide faculty/staff meetings we have at the beginning of the month. Inevitably they talk about numbers or present market research that tells us shit I already know. I always feel like everyone is sitting there thinking “Why aren’t we doing that?” or “Isn’t D supposed to be doing that?”

Well, yes we are; and yes, I am. So shut your mouths and let me do my job, which is exactly why your bosses hired me. You just go back to doing whatever the hell it is that you’re supposed to be doing.

Fucking meetings.

But on the kick-ass side, I did win a $25 gift certificate to the Beaver House (heh, “beaver”) at the end of the meeting, so that settled me down a bit. I think it’s only a matter of minutes before one of the girls I work with tells me I can use it to take out the girl they’re trying to set me up with. And I did see her again today, and maybe it was the distance or something, but she looked a little cuter today. I dunno. I think I need a good look right at her in some good lighting to really be sure. Don’t wanna waste my gift certificate, you know?

D

All tied up

We made the switch back to wearing ties again every day at work. I hate wearing ties. I’m used to it, but that doesn’t mean I like it. It feels like someone has their hands loosely around my neck, half-assedly strangling me for 9 hours a day.

And I got tired of tying them every freakin’ day too; so I just went and tied all the ones I wear, slipped them back over my head, and put them all on a hanger for easy access and aggravation reduction.

I’m still hoping that one day soon I’ll be able to shrug off the tie permanently, or at least trade it for a big plastic helmet and a midget’s weight in uniform and equipment.

D

Do they even have a Betty Ford for TV?

Yes, I actually did make up a TV schedule. Yes, I have that big of a problem. No, I am not getting any treatment.

(click to enlarge, if you're so inclined.)

D

Tool Time

There’s just something about wiring or re-wiring your entire entertainment system yourself. Something manly. Something that just makes me remember that scene in Castaway when Tom Hanks makes fire for the first time on the island.

Yes, it can be a huge pain in the ass (and knees and back too), but there’s no better sense of a “Take that you sonofabitch!”-type accomplishment than being able to sit on your couch and be slightly deafened by Chris Berman coming through your stereo from 5 feet across the room.

I picked up a simple Phillips A/V input selector after getting Jake’s thumbs up of approval on Saturday; and spent an hour or two Sunday morning dismantling, unplugging, dusting and rewiring everything so that all the video and audio now run through the switcher. And most importantly; the TV, DVD, and PS2’s audio (need to check on the VCR) all run through the stereo for no better reason than I want it loud. And boy is it. It’s no home theater surround sound or anything; but my apartment isn’t that big to begin with, so an Aiwa stereo with the bass boost on is more than enough for me and whoever else comes over to go deaf.

Alright, so it’s not like I split the frickin’ atom or built my own pub room in the basement; but I feel good in knowing that I’ve got no one to blame but myself when I lose even more hearing or have my neighbors call the cops for a noise ordinance violation. Again.

D

Anybody know the Heimlich?

Wow. That’s some quality choking right there. Even Reggie Miller would like to make fun of that.

Detroit finally finished blowing the as-high-as 12 ½ game lead (May 27th) over the Twins that they’d been nursing for most of the second half of the season. And what better way to let Minnesota win the Division than by choking on the 6 run lead they had over the Royals in THE LAST GAME OF THE SEASON!!

While we’re at it, thanks for making it as excruciating as possible too. By taking the game into extra innings instead of just getting it over with during the “paid for” innings, you guys managed to raise the blood pressure and shave off 2.37 years off all us fans. Or think of it as adding 3.56 years to the life of all non-Tigers fans, because laughter is the best medicine.

I know I should be grateful for still being able to coast into the playoffs (on fumes) for the first time in 19 years. I know I should be. But I’m not.

My complimenting them for the entire season didn’t work so well. Let’s see what happens when I call them a “buncha assholes” at the start of the playoffs.

Buncha assholes.

Go Tigers.

D

Feets don’t fail me now!

(Kelley you wanna skip this one? It’s about feet.)

Yes, this is about as exciting as life has been lately. And no, that is not an attempt to incur the creative and twisted wrath of the SBDA hosts and audience. I still have the weekend coming up soon.

Went to the podiatrist yesterday because I’d finally had enough of my feet breaking down all the damned time and keeping me from running, or making me want to saw them off with a hacksaw in order to relieve myself of the near constant discomfort.

When they first started going all wonky, one swelled up and I could hardly walk at all. Later on, they were both uncomfortable to walk on let alone run on them. And now after several weeks of trying to rest them, they aren’t a whole lot better. I had initially thought that maybe it was a hairline fracture or a “march” fracture because of all the running on concrete sidewalks. Or possibly even bone spurs in weird places in both feet. But in the end, it ended up being a little more wussey than I had masochistically hoped.

I went in yesterday and got examined. Out of personal hygiene paranoia, I washed my feet, changed socks and Febreezed the shoes before I went. The nurse found that both humorous and thoughtful, and I’m sure she wished that all her patients were as paranoid as I am. Well, she probably didn’t really wish that, maybe she just wished that few of the big, nasty bastards that she sees would.

Anyways; the doctor comes in, grabs my feet, yanks my toes every wichaway, asks me if random pokes and prods hurt, decides I need x-rays, and sends me off across the hall in a retarded-looking pair of brown paper slippers. I was cool with taking the 2 and a half steps across the hall barefoot, but you know, doctor’s orders.

I get my battery of x-rays and my dose of non-gamma radiation, head back to the other room a step and a half away, and promptly fall asleep in the chair for about 10 minutes or so. No time for sweet dreams as Dr. Foot comes back in with my results.

No fractures, not foot deformities, no nothing. Well, one bone in my right foot was slightly longer than its southie counterpart; but nothing that seemed I had a mutant gene or was destined to evolve and develop some kick-ass ability to run like the Flash. Damn it.

Turns out I have some tendonitis in both feet from just overdoing it for so long. Nothing that can’t be cured with more freakin’ rest, ice, and a couple of medications. One of those meds being a glorified extra-strength Aleve (I was pissed because I have plenty of Advil at home. And you can drink with Advil.), while the other was a steroid that isn’t even cool enough or strong enough to help me when I work out and hopefully doesn’t have that shrinkage side effect. 'Roid rage might be fun though.

So I’ve got about 3 weeks before I go back and see what’s up then. If everything’s not cool or close to it by then, I’m gonna ask him what medical science’s progress is with foot replacement surgery/transplants and nanobots.

D

May the Schwartz be with you!

As we learned from the great Yogurt in Spaceballs, it’s all about “merchandising, merchandising, merchandising”. You know; first there was the movie, then the t-shirt, then the flamethrower, and so on.

Now they’re gonna be doing an animated Spaceballs TV show. So, Spaceballs: The Animated Series, I guess.

With as much as they riffed on the original Star Wars trilogy, just imagine what they’ll be able to do with the last 3 crapfests (well ok, Sith was good).

Unfortunately, the series won’t begin until next Fall and will be on G4, which means that means most of the Nerduary inhabitants won’t get to see it. I guess you guys can just probably go ahead and download it off the Interweb or something right before I'm able to see it on TV. So tell me if it's any good in about a year or so.

D

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, don’t you think we’re being a bit too literal?
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit!

Huey Lewis & the News’ best album…

That’s right, we’re talkin’ ‘bout Sports!

Well, we’re not really talking about the album “Sports”; I just thought that was a clever title and intro. Yeah, I know; it was lame. I really just have a few news bits about recent sports.

Football:

Terrell Owens reportedly tries suicide
And then decides it’s just not for him
Owens: 'There was no suicide attempt'
------

Last Second Field Goal Sinks Eagles
Oh, no! We suck again!
------

Baseball:

Detroit clinches first playoff birth since 1987
Next up, the AL Central Division title. Hopefully. 4 is the magic number.
------

It's the end of the season, and Atlanta still sucks.
Right now, the Braves are probably trying to figure out what in the hell they’re supposed to be doing in October besides playing baseball. But I guess if they’re dead set on involving baseball, they could always watch the Mets.
------

Basketball:
No college news to speak of. So all that’s left is the crappy NBA.
Hawks' Claxton, runner-up for Sixth Man, out with broken hand
The shitttiest team in the NBA gets a little shittier.
-------

Hockey:
Ummm… “puck” rhymes with “fuck”.
-----

Those are the stories, and it’s all news to me.

D

It’s a set up!

A couple of the girls I work with are trying to set me up with someone they know that used to work here and still goes here. (I’m still trying to figure out if dating a student is merely “frowned upon” or not)

I’m really 50/50 on the whole “setting D up” thing. On one hand, it’s kinda fun to see what kind of girl people will try and set me up with. And it’s pretty much an easy “in” because I really don’t have to do much work. But on the other hand, most of the time people are gonna try and set me up with someone who’s “not my type” (or someone I would never, ever approach myself). Or I start to feel weird about it because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything by either turning down the offer or saying that I’m not interested.

So, basically I’m damned if I do; damned if I don’t. Again.

And yes, I have seen this girl that they’re trying to play matchmaker with. She’s not my type. Well, in the face.

But then again, I’m so ass backwards when it comes to dating that maybe I should invest a little more in the “setting up D” strategy. I mean, I’m the guy who occasionally socially devolves and thinks it’s a great idea to try and bust out the “Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. (you can only check yes or no, and you can’t draw a ‘Maybe’)” note with girls.

Do girls still find that cute? Or just retarded? I guess I should look into that.

D