Tales of Dickery

A little while ago I had a random memory of something funny (at least I thought it was funny) that I did to my step-brother Stuart when we were younger. And then I had another. And another. And for some reason, I just felt the need to write them down…

And in all fairness, I was doing this to my step-brother (and he wasn’t even that at that point); so this really can’t be looked upon as real dickery. It was family business.

Who knew being a dick could be so much fun?

Stuart Spices Up His Schnoz
We were watching a cartoon and they did the whole “black pepper makes you sneeze” bit. So he asked me if that actually worked. I wanted to see if he’d actually try it, so I said “yes”. He promptly went into the kitchen but came back with something other than black pepper.

“We don’t have any of the black kind, but we have this flaky red stuff.”

“Oh. Well, that works even better.” I said.

So the little bugger pours some of the pepper out into his hand and begins to snort it like Rick James on holiday. It takes just a few seconds for everything to register with him and he begins to scream his head off. I kid you not, I actually thought he was going to pull his nose off and throw it at me.

Amidst all the screaming, crying and my laughing; I heard him ask what he was supposed to do.

“Flush it out with water.” Was the sage advice I gave him. I mean it sounded like a good idea at the time.

So the little retard goes into the kitchen and leans in under the faucet…upside down. I stood there in the kitchen and watched him half drown himself in the kitchen sink thinking that I could have made less of a mess by flushing him out with a garden hose. But I guess it worked. With the sheer amount of water that was going all over him and the kitchen and down his throat, some of it had to actually go through his nasal passages at some point.

A couple of pounds on the back to clear him out, a few wet towels and some dry clothes later; and we were back on the couch watching TV again. Understandably, Stuart was a little hesitant to ask me about stuff on TV being true after that.

I never could convince him to try the banana peel bit or that stepping on a rake doesn’t hurt at all….

D