I don't know how you would wrap this one...

Dear Santa,
I know this is kind of last minute and I've already published my Christmas List earlier, but that was in November for Christ's sake...sorry. I mean, I think that I deserve a do-over.

I finally know what I want for Christmas. And I think that it's something that maybe you can help with, but if not, at least I tried asking.

All I want for Christmas is my confidence back. I realized that I'm missing this again and it sucks. I'm not talking about my usual confidence and sarcastic semi-bravado that I still have; I mean the zen-like, "I can do and say whatever I want to and get away with it and I'm gonna draw you to me and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm that fucking charming" confidence that I had a few months ago.

I miss that. It was great. Everything just kind of rolled off my back and I took everything in stride and people really gravitated towards me.

And I want it back.

So, Santa; that's all I want for Christmas this year. And I want a lifetime supply of it too. You may as well go all out this year and I'll take care of the rest. Trust me.

I'll leave beer and snacks tonight.
Thanks,

D

What is thy bidding, my master?

I wasted a good 30 minutes or so at the Virtual Bar hangin' out with the girls, and I think the only drink I ordered was a beer. Use your imagination.

D

I should just do like Jimmy The Geek and simulate them all on NCAA 2006

Well, I do this every year on paper and in the privacy of home so that no one but me can see how utterly crappy my picks are. But, I figured you guys already know what a retard I am; so publicly posting these won't change your perceptions of me very much.

My picks are in blue.
Any crappy commentary is below that.

GMAC
UTEP (8-3) vs. Toledo (8-3)
Mike Tice is taking the Miners to another bowl game, but I haven't seen them play this year and I have seen Toledo play pretty well on TV.

Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas
BYU (6-5) vs. California (7-4)
I never pick the stormin' Mormons. Golden Bears it is.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State (6-5) vs. Navy (7-4)
Gotta pull for former Georgia Southern coach, Paul Johnson.

Fort Worth
Kansas (6-5) vs. Houston (6-5)
I don't know jack about either program this year. First instinct was for Houston, but then I changed to Kansas because I haven't picked a team on the left side yet, but then changed my mind back to the Cougars because you should always go with your first choice, right? So, Jayhawks it is. I bet this one comes back to bite me in the ass.

Sheraton Hawaii
Nevada (8-3) vs. UCF (8-4)
George O'Leary taking UCF to a bowl game after last year's 0-11 season? Shit yeah, pull for them. Might as well pick them too.

Motor City
Memphis (6-5) vs. Akron (7-5)
Come on, people! It's the Zips!

Champs Sports
Clemson (7-4) vs. Colorado (7-5)
I just flipped a coin and it landed on its edge...so, um, Colorado to try and salvage the season after stumbling at the end and firing Rick Neuhiesel?

Insight
Arizona State (6-5) vs. Rutgers (7-4)
I don't care if Rutgers is feeling great for getting in a bowl game. That aint enough to beat the Sun Devils.

MPC Computers
Boise State (9-3) vs. Boston College (8-3)
I like the Broncos and all, but I think I have to give this to ACC battle-tested Boston College instead.

MasterCard Alamo
Michigan (7-4) vs. Nebraska (7-4)
I think this is the first time that the Alamo Bowl has had 2 historically good programs in it at the same time. Too bad they both suck this year. I guess I think the Wolverines suck a little less this year.

Emerald Bowl
Georgia Tech (7-4) vs. Utah (6-5)
Screw Tech. Go Heels!

Pacific Life Holiday
Oregon (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (7-4)
I'm sorry but I'm picking Oregon just out of my love for any team with a duck as the mascot. The fact that they finished 2nd in the PAC 10 doesn't hurt. And I don't like Oklahoma (sorry JR).

Gaylord Hotels Music City
Minnesota (7-4) vs. Virginia (6-5)
Not sure what happened to the Golden Gophers after the great start they had, but I'll give them the nod in this one. Oh, and: Heh heh.."Gaylord"

Vitalis Sun
Northwestern (7-4) vs. UCLA (9-2)
Whatever. The Bruins having both a male and female mascot running around the sidelines at games almost cost them this one. But one of the Josie mascots is kinda cute. Joe & Josie Bruin it is.

Independence
South Carolina (7-4) vs. Missouri (6-5)
Spurrier got his 'Cocks to beat Florida and Tennessee this season and a bowl game? Sure, stick with 'em.

Chick-fil-A Peach
Miami (9-2) vs. LSU (10-2)
This game's almost win-win just for the match up. But LSU couldn't do me the favor of beating UGAy for SEC title, so screw the Bayou Bengals.

Meineke Car Care
South Florida (6-5) vs. NC State (6-5)
*yawn* Wha? Huh?

AutoZone Liberty
Tulsa (8-4) vs. Fresno State (8-4)
This is the Bulldog team that took Southern Cal to the limit earlier...and then lost to Nevada and La. Tech. I guess it just depends on which team decides to show up.

EV1.net Houston
TCU (10-1) vs. Iowa State (7-4)
TCU is 10-1. Good enough for me, 'cause I don't really care.

AT&T Cotton
Texas Tech (9-2) vs. Alabama (9-2)
Jesus! How many freakin' bowl games are there? I'm still picking these damned things? You're still reading this? Well, I'll make Michael happy and say "Roll Tide!"

Outback
Iowa (7-4) vs. Florida (8-3)
What the Hell is a Hawkeye? A bird? An eye? A bird's eye? I know that Hawkeye is an Avenger, but this isn't Clint Barton. *chomp* *chomp*

Toyota Gator
Louisville (9-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)
Ooooooooooh. This ought to be good 'un. A real shoot out if things go well. I'll make Kelley happy with this one and pick the "there's actually no such things as" Hokies.

Capital One
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Auburn (9-2)
I'm sorry, but I appear to have left my "give a damn" in the car. 2 kind of disappointing teams this year really. Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers. Tigers? Yeah, we need them.

Tostitos Fiesta
Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2)
Please, please, please, God let the Irish win. Mostly so I can rub it in my dad's face because I know he's going to pick those stupid nuts.

Nokia Sugar
West Virginia (10-1) vs. Georgia (10-2)
I will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER pick UGAy to win anything. If it took them winning to keep me alive, I'd die a happy man knowing that I screwed them over.

FedEx Orange
Penn State (10-1) vs. Florida State (8-4)
Let's finish off JoePa's semi-miraculous season with a BCS Bowl Game win, shall we?

The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
USC (12-0) vs. Texas (12-0)
For the love of God, please let Mack Brown have made a deal with the Devil to finally have his Longhorns be the team to shut Nick Lachey and the rest of the poser USC fans the Hell up! I bet Vince Young wouldn't give two shits about not winning the Heisman if he wins a BCS Championship (notice I didn't put National Championship).

Wow. That took forever. Now I know why I don't do football picks normally. 'Cause I suck at them and despite my urge to waste my time and yours, that was just waaaay too much time that I spent on this post. Hopefully it will at least pay off. Guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks when I total up all my losses.

D

I bet he didn't even feel it.

Geez, Louise. This guy would have given Liquid Courage a run for his money.

D

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Everyone has their "Christmas movie." The one they watch every year at or around Christmas (or "the holidays", to be PC).

Mine is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

There's just no beating Clark W. Griswald going balls out to celebrate Christmas.

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. "- Clark

D

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."

Here's a quick question:
Can you consider Die Hard a Christmas movie?

• It takes place during the Christmas season.
• They're having the company party up in the Nakatomi tower.
• There's a The Night Before Christmas reference: "All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation."

While we're at it, how about Die Hard 2?
"Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a fuckin' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can."

Granted, they're not your standard Christmas movies (A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Scrooged, etc...), but they could be considered Christmas movies. Or at least men's Christmas movies.

D

I want YOU!!!

To join the Chuck Norris Fan Club!!

Well...there really isn't an official Chuck Norris Fan Club per se. But every time I see Chuck, I feel a little scared. Like I should join his Fan Club or receive a roundhouse kick as punishment.

Come to think of it, that might also be the initiation for the Club too. Maybe that's why there's no Fan Club. Everyone who's joined went through Chuck's initiation of a roundhouse kick and is now dead.

Chuck only wants the toughest of the tough to be in his Fan Club, his "Delta Force". A good roundhouse kick weeds out all the pansies and keeps the weak out of his Official Fan Club.

So until Chuck can find those tough enough to handle a roundhouse kick from him, Chuck will continue to be "A Force of One" in his own Fan Club.

D

----------------------------------------------
Join the Official Chuck Norris Fan Club (and survive) and receive the following great gifts (that will be delivered to your hospital room):

A vintage Chuck Norris Karate Kommando action figure

A personalized autograph from Chuck (Chuck demands you change your name to "John" if it isn't already. If it is already "John", change it to "Chuck" and then back to "John" before Chuck roundhouse kicks you for trying to change your name to "Chuck" to be like Chuck.)

A nifty ChuckNorris.com t-shirt (available only in "L" because that's what size Chuck is and no one is bigger than Chuck.)

(Insert chirping crickets here)

UGH! GRRR! ARGH! ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS FRUSTRATION!!!!

I'm having writer's block. Well, since I'm not really much of a writer, I guess it's more like "blogger's speedbump" or something.

I've had a tremendously hard time coming up with anything to write (so has LC for that matter). I've made several attempts on all the blogs, and pretty much scrapped them all. I tried like 4 different times to put up one post about internet shopping over on The Nerduary to no avail. And here? All I have is this lame-ass attempt to try and overcome my lame-ass blogger's speedbump.

Sooooo...here's a funny blog that someone beat me to making about Word Verification words.

D

It's like I don't even have to watch TV anymore...

But that's just crazy talk, people. Crazy I tell you. Besides, I think we all know that if I stopped watching TV, that it would cause some sort of space/time anomaly and destroy the entire universe.

Never the less, I stumbled onto a site that I'm shocked (shocked!) I never found before: TV.com.

How is it that this little gem of the internet stayed under my radar for so long? It's absurd the amount of time that I've spent on the internet and not found it before. I meant the fact that I haven't found it before is absurd, not the amount of time I've spent on the internet. That's just impressive really.

D
(still shocked)

Frivolous spending to recapture part of my childhood... or just cause havoc.

I just decided to buy a lunchbox. For no real or apparent reason. I just kind of want one again. Maybe I can pack little snacks or something in it for work. And leave myself little notes of inspiration to get me through the day:

Chin up, Tiger! Your day will come. Have the bestest day ever!
:)
Love,
D.

Whenever the school year rolls around in August I always say I'm gonna get one, but I always end up putting it off. That's why I should probably go ahead and get one now while I'm thinking about it.

Of course I've only been here for a few months and I don't know how the others would handle seeing me walk in with a lunch box. They'd either think I was retarded or looking for a fight. But it might be worth the whole thing just for the first day's reactions. Hmmmm.....

I remember having this one when I was 8.

D

Because you never get a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression...

Well, unless you're meeting me for the first time while I'm drinking. Yeah, 'cause I'm probably not gonna remember a whole lot of it, if anything at all really.

My lapses in memory have been pretty well documented on here over the past few months. Really that's 3/4 of the interesting stuff that I've put on here for y'all. Everything else is just kind of filler until I can do something "petarded" and put it up here for you.

Some might even tell me "I'm not gonna lie to you. You may have a problem." I mean, they might tell me again anyways. Others might tell me I should cut back because having my brain shut off and stop recording just isn't all that great for me. Which may be true. But it seems to be good for all of you. So far I haven't hurt anyone (or more importantly myself), gotten arrested, woken up next to a dead hooker, been excommunicated from the group or been charged for anything that would be considered as "treasonous." So far anyway.

Being unable to segue well into my story from this weekend, I'll just get right to it:

So I actually got to talk to The Princess Hiker on Friday night. And in order for me to actually get you the idea of what may have happened or how that conversation went, I need to relay the brief exchange I had with Scott the next day:

**After a little opening small talk**
Derek: "What in the Hell made you think it was a good idea to put a disaster like me on the phone with Alison last night?!?!"
Scott: "Hahahhahaha..... Well, it seemed like it was gonna be funny. And it was."
Derek: "Aw, shit. What happened?"
Scott: "Nothing. You were good."
Derek: "You sure?"
Scott: "Yeah. You're fine."
Derek: "K. Good."


And really, it's my opening line that really explains everything. I mean there's several things I should not be allowed to operate when I'm drinking: a firearm, an automobile, an email/blog account, and a phone. I used 2 of those Friday night. And thank God kept from using a 3rd.

So let me just go ahead and apologize to The Princess for anything that I may have said or done while on the phone. Well, except for anything that I said about Duke. I stand firm on whatever I said about them.

Somehow I get the feeling that this may be held over my head for a while. Man, I have a lot of stuff hanging up there...

D

Oh you're gonna hate me...

It's Friday. And that's a good thing. Now being slightly hungover (as I am) is a bad thing. So what do you need to help allieviate that problem? Food and something humerous. I'm going to attempt to provide you with the humerous portion. And you may end up hating me for it.

If you can remember anything from The Muppet Show and you're slighty off balance personality-wise, then chances are that you remember the Mahna Mahna Song. Maybe because it's regarded by some as the "best ever Muppet sketch." And I agree. Because it is, and I am slighty off balance personality-wise.

So if you've never seen or heard it before... what the Hell is wrong with you???
Watch it now. Or just listen to it. You can thank me later.

And yes, this has been stuck in my head ever since I infected everyone with it last Saturday. I just figured I'd do it on a larger scale today.

D

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...

Alright, I finally got around to installing a freakin' traffic counter on here. And I helped out that drunk Liquid Courage too while I was at it. Now we can watch them tick higher and higher ever so slowly.

So I guess if you can help us out and drive a little traffic on here and there we'd both appreciate it.

Thanks to Scott for letting me know about the counter he uses.

D

Let eHarmony help you begin the journey to your soul mate today...then we'll take your soul!

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the Devil.

Well, not really. But he’s kind of like a drug dealer hanging around always trying to “hook you up”. Well, maybe more like the guy you know who’s a real ass and always tells you “I told you so. You should’ve listened to me.”

About a year back I was bored at work and decided to fill out eHarmony’s “most specific and really awesome nothing’s better than this” personality survey. You know, just for shits and giggles. Damned thing took forever.

What did I discover about myself after taking it? Same damned crap I already knew and could have found out in a 2 minute “which kind of…” internet survey I usually take when I find one.

But that’s what good, old Neil Clark wanted. He had me in his database now. Now he had the ability to screw with me whenever he wanted. And boy did he want to…

First I got the obligatory “Thanks for filling out the personality test, go ahead and sign up” email. Sorry, just not into paying anymore than I have to in order to date someone. I’m perfectly capable of finding girls who don’t want me on my own AND free of charge.

Then I didn’t hear anything for a while. Not until I started dating someone. Just about a week or so into it Neil Clark sent me an email with a match they had found here in the ‘Boro. Huh. That’s kind of cool. But I ignored it (and apparently so did she when I later got curious and she had declined.) because I was already courting someone. Well, we all know how that one turned out. The relationship ended, but it seemed one of the first people to try and console me was Neil Clark. Not kidding. It seemed right afterwards I got another email for me to subscribe to eHarmony and find my perfect match. Ummm, creepy. Thanks, but I’ll pass.

A couple months go by and I’m still swimming in the Singles’ pool. Then I get another “Hey! You haven’t signed up for eHarmony’s super deluxe and awesomely great package deal!” No shit. Once again, not going to pay for it. Right after that I start talking to the most recent “not gonna be with me for long.” Things go well for a time, but I get a “You sure you don’t wanna sign up?” email. Yeah, I’m sure. I got this one, thanks Neil Clark.

Well…again, I think we all know how that turned out. And who was the first one to come a running to be there for me? Fucking A, it was that son of a bitch Dr. Neil Clark Warren. He knew! He knew and he’s teasing me. Or punishing me. Some kind of mental torture to fuck with me until I completely break and sign up.

So maybe I should. Apparently he’s good enough to know how to get to me and screw with my head. Maybe he’s that damned good and can actually match me up with my soul mate or whatever. I could be just like Christy and Mike who married May 14, 2005. Maybe I should just give in and finally join his growing cadre of eHarmony matches.

Or maybe I should just hit “unsubscribe” at the bottom of the emails he keeps sending me. But that might just piss him off and he’ll start calling me personally. OR maybe he’ll show up at my doorstep, punch me in the face, force me to sign up or he rips off a testicle and shove me into some random girl: “Derek this is Jenny. Jenny this is Derek. You’re both a match. Get married now! I am your god now!!!!!”

…………Seriously, he’s freaking me out. For now I’m just gonna ignore and delete the emails. But if this happens again, I’m gonna lose it and just give in.

D

You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.

Wow. I don't know if I've ever actually met anyone who didn't have any apparent social skills. I mean socially inept. Especially when it comes to women. Not that I am a Don Juan or Valentino by any stretch of the imagination, but I am damned close compared to this guy. I actually haven't even met this guy really. You see, he's sitting in the computer lab outside my new, tiny office.

Let's start with the lab first. Most of the time it's pretty quiet out there, especially in the afternoon when there aren't many classes. Go figure. But in the mornings, some of the guys in the early classes will come in to wait until class starts and then wait in between classes. Ok, no problem. It's the conversations that these guys have that fascinate me. Not that they're bad or stupid or anything, quite the opposite actually. I like listening to them because they're funny and I can follow them most of the time.

And the guys themselves are fine. They're good, normal guys. Except 1. We'll call him Steve. Holy crap, Steve makes Rain Man look like George Clooney. It seems that every day the conversation devolves into Sex Ed for the benefit of poor Steve. Not just for fun or anything. It's been hard not to listen to these conversations because they are genuinely having to explain a lot of things to Steve. Just a minute ago I heard "Ok. Let's review. How do you put on the condom again?" Swear to God.

10 minutes ago they were trying to explain how a date is not supposed to be looked at as an investment. And how he shouldn't freak out about paying for the girl on the date because she's not supposed to pay for anything. A very small, bitter part of me wanted to agree with Steve though.

They even asked him "Steve, you went to high school, right?" He said yes, but that must have been the biggest school ever for him to have never picked anything up even from just watching everyone else.

Any-hoo. Just lost my train of thought due to a phone call. So to summarize, there are socially inept people out there, not unlike Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love. I just haven't figured out if they're a gem you should keep an eye out for (humor & curiosity reasons only) or just flat out avoid.

D

I guess she was only signed for a couple of episodes...

So, "Screw Big, Dumb American" apparently just had it's Holiday Special. And I bet it was a doozy too. Like a really good plot twist that you don't expect on your favorite show, it just hits you and keeps the audience clamoring for more.

The latest twist/gimmick/screw-job for my life's show? I got dumped. Well, dumped is a harsh word really. It wasn't on bad terms or anything, it was just long distance relationships and I apparently don't go together. I apparently do not warrant the kind of special effort it takes for someone to maintain a long distance relationship with me. Silly me for thinking so highly of myself.

But this post is not for pouting, no just to inform. I pouted enough this weekend. I gave myself the whole weekend to sulk, pout, doubt myself and drink all I wanted so that I can try to get back on track this week.

And drink I did. 2 cases in 2 days means I met my objective. Scott summarized Friday night for me with "I heard you put on a level 5 drunk last night." Yeah, I guess I did. We worked it up to, what, 10 big beers? That's roughly 30 beers? I got off the phone and headed straight to the bar looking to get drunk. And I found drunk along with hammered, sloshed, wasted, pissed, and a host of others. ....And I sang Cake's rendition of "I will survive."

Saturday continued the drowning of the sorrows (sort of). It was really more of "I still feel like getting hammered, but I'm not so sad." That was to the tune of 18 (?) beers. Sunday was a mild mannered night with only the last 6 I had left from the night before.

So that's that. Another rating's boost for the show. Another night that'll be placed in my personal "Drinking Hall of Fame". Another girl who'll never wake up one day and realize she made the biggest mistake of her life. Another entry for the blog. This one may carry over to good, old LC for comedic reasons.

And it sucks about all the shit you lose when you stop dating someone. Everything seems to be a reminder: TV shows, movies, songs, they way I fold the paper covering for my straws. Everything. And...wait a second...was I a rebound? Shit. Oh well, whatever. What's done is done.

Please, no "I'm sorry", "Plenty of fish in the sea", "It happened for a reason" and all that jazz. Gotten enough of those lately. But thanks for any warm sentiments felt in my general direction.

D

Singing (badly) and some drunk text messaging was as far I was gonna take it. There's no way Liz would have let me go that far.

It's about time!

The Canadians are finally starting to repay the world for Celine Dion:
http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/story.html?id=f29238a6-88a8-41c7-a3a8-58a7562cf0da&k=36000

So, I should be good for a while then.
"Cancer free 'til 3003!"

D

Crash!!!

No, that sound you heard wasn't an auto accident or even the stock market, it was me going back on my diet after a very non-productive Turkey Day akin to Michael's.

So I'm back on the diet wagon again, which is actually where I need to be before seeing The Girl and Christmas. Running, eating less (and healthier), and cutting back on the beer is the norm for me really. But lately I've been a lot less concerned about the food and beer, and pretty much everything in general last week.

But sometimes I question why I'm doing anything at all. I know I want to be healthy and fit. That's a given and that's for me. But am I doing it to please (or be more pleasing) to others? I don't think so, but it may be a positive side effect. If I feel good about how I look, and I look better to others; isn't that just an additional bonus? I just usually have to remind myself that I'm doing it for me first and foremost and not anyone else. I kind of blame it on the media too, and I can since I view myself as a former part of it.

But no matter how much I run, how little I eat, or how much Xenadrine I take; it never seems to make a real difference. Not that I can see anyways. Yeah, I can run a whole hell of a lot more than I could before, but I'm not seeing any physical results. Which is what I gauge myself on, not numbers really.

And try as I might, I know I'll never have the kind of body I really want to have (but don't we all?):


So, I'll be content just to try and get rid of my gut and love handles and then keep them off. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Jesus Christ. I am such a fucking girl. (No offense)

D

Derek: 2, Black Friday:1

Ha! I'm up on my non-corporeal adversary Black Friday. And it would be a shut out if it weren't for me not being able to find 1 thing I was looking for: Chewy Sweet Tarts. It's a special part of a gift I'm giving, so I need to find some.



That's where all you 'Boro-type people can help me. You know, if you're inclined to.

If you guys know of any places in Statesboro where I can find some Chewy Sweet Tarts, let me know. I've already tried Wal-Mart, Target and CVS in South Carolina to no avail. And I know they're at Savannah Sweets, but I'm trying to avoid going down there if possible.

So, if you guys spot any around town, let me know so I can jet over there and pick them up.

It's kind of a stupid request, and I may only get a chuckle out of it when the gift is received; but to me that'll be more than worth it.

Thanks for any and all help.

D

Bored, bored, bored.

Ok. I'm bored as shit. There. I said it.

It's Turkey Day, I'm at the parents' house, done eating everything in sight, there's nothing on TV, and I can't even think of anything all that great to write about for you guys. Must be the tryptophan.

Soooo...I just thought that maybe adding a little content on this wonderful day of gluttony would help alleviate my boredom.

Not so much.

I'm also trying to come up with a battle plan for tomorrow. I think I'm just gonna sleep in, get up whenever, scratch myself, fumble around for breakfast (maybe a beer for good measure), watch football for a bit, shower, get dressed and then head out to Armageddon. I'm gonna try to be quick about it so I don't lose my shit and do/say anything I'll regret later on. But they're strangers, so who really gives a damn? Crap. I forgot the whole "I'm feeling the Christmas Spirit" thing this year. Better make that a couple of beers before I go. Just to make sure I stay in the spirit.

I have a pretty good idea of what I plan to get everyone this year. So it shouldn't be real painful. Well, not until I go to pay for everything that is.

I'm also really just trying to kill some time until Saturday @ 3:30, 'cause that's when Georgia Southern will take on the Texas State Armadillos... I mean Bobcats.

That's that. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving (or Thursday in Canada) and enjoyed the vacation (or non-vacation in Canada).

D

Gobble gobble!

So I was gonna cheat and just put the lyrics to the Thanksgiving Song on here and be done with it. But the stupid thing wouldn't paste in here right and after a few minutes of screwing with it, I said forget it. There's a link to it instead.

So instead you get some good, old fashioned elementary school art:

And some good, old fashioned Mitch Hedberg material too:

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."

Happy Turkey Day everyone.

D

'Tis the season to be jorry. Farr rah rah rah rah, rah rah rah rah.

If you don't get that reference, then something is very wrong with you and you have no sense of Christmas Spirit. Or, you've just never seen one of the all-time classic Christmas movies. Another being this one. The shitter's full!

So it's that time of year again. The time when I start getting aggravated at everything. TV, radio, malls, stores, elevators, people, the internet, everything. You name it, I hate it. It seems that every year, the world starts shoving Christmas down my throat earlier and earlier. It's not even Thanksgiving yet for Christ's sake, and already all I see around me is Christmas stuff! I suppose next year I'll be hearing about Santa when my birthday rolls around. *cough* September 3rd *cough*

You see, I don't really have the greatest sense of Christmas Spirit. So, I kind of do and don't hate Christmas at the same time. And I think I know why. Pretty much every year about this time I've been very unhappy. Relationships, family problems, work, money, and other stuff helped cause this. So I've always had something to be unhappy about when everyone else was all jolly (or jorry). So I was just envious of everyone who was happier than me, instead of just trying to be happy myself.

But not this year. This year I'm actually feeling some of that good, old Christmas cheer. Some of, not a ton mind you. I'm working my way up. REALLY happy people still freak me out.

But this year I have a lot to be happy about: Family and friends, the dog, new job, decent money (although X-Mas will negate that shortly), good health, The Girl Waaaay Out of My League , etc... So this year, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas and am making a conscious effort to turn from my Grinch-ish ways and have a good holiday. And the fact that The Girl is a Christmas junkie helps a little bit too.

So even though it's not even December yet, I'm looking forward to Christmas. And not the part where I get presents. Wow, imagine that. I'm actually more looking forward to the giving of presents. And trying to decide what I'm gonna get everyone is actually kind of fun for once. I already have a triple-option for The Girl that I'm waiting to put into motion.

I just wish that I could afford presents for everyone. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't feel bad if you don't receive one from me. I'll make it up some how. Probably with booze.

So if you see me walking around with a smile on my face during December, don't worry. I haven't lost my mind or anything. I'm just feeling some of the Christmas spirit. Or I've been in the Christmas spirits. But if you see me in a Santa suit, run. At that point I may have completely lost my shit and probably have a few severed heads in the sack.

So, Merry Christmas (even though it isn't even Thanksgiving yet)!

D

Passing the time by...taking tests?!?!!

Your Pimp Name Is...

Macktastic Bling

What's" Your Pimp Name?

Yeah, so I was reading another blog and decided to click on the link that was for some of those online personality tests. You know the ones. We've all taken about 37 of 'em. And I decided to take some more today to kill a little time. And apparently to find out a lot of things about myself that I already knew. Well, except my pimp name.

The results are in:
I would be Italian food, my funky inner hair color is pink, Tommy Lee and I have the same interest in music, my life is an Indie movie, I'm a shy kisser, an Au Natural seducer, somewhat Machiavellian, my rejected crayon color is Flu Phlegm Green, I was a mute poet who lived in Austria and died of Typhoid fever, my ideal relationship is marriage, I'd be a Butterfinger, I'm a passed out kind of drunk, the "keys to my heart" was only off by 1, I'm a frickin' Emo rocker, my power animal is a shark & my past animal life was a polar bear, the "How I am in love" is dead on, my heart color is blue, my personality is a Guardian (SJ), the sleeping position one was dumb, my inner child is surprised, I'm a margarita, I act like I'm 21, I'm a simple thinker, I'm not afraid to lay around resting my hand in my pants, my superhero name is (not) "The Blonde Ricochet" and I can speak to animals, my power color is Teal, I'm a peperoni pizza, my pimp name is "Macktastic Bling", my daddy is Arnold Schwarzenegger (but I call him "Pa" and he takes me to Disney Land), I am not scary, my kissing purity score is 37%(Pure), I should have gone as a Girl Scout for Halloween, and my mood ring is light purple.

That's enough. I'm all personalitied out.

D

Thank You for Being a Friend.

Yes! A Golden Girls reference!

No, there's nothing wrong with me. That I know of. But I just wanted to take a second to tell my friends "thank you." I could have taken the time to send individual emails or call, but you guys know me, I like to blog and be overly dramatic. And I figured that pretty much all of my friends blog now and would see this at some point. So don't take it personal if this gets generalized, you all know what I mean when I say this.


This may seem kind of weird, but I just wanted to take a second to let you know what a good friend you are to me. You’ve been there for me when I needed it, and I only wish I could have been there more for you when you needed me. I know we’re probably not as close to each other as we used to be, but you’re like a sibling to me. And I just wanted to let you know that. I know life gets in the way of a lot of things sometimes; but always remember that when you need me, I’ll be there.


So that's that. If you haven't done so in a while, take a second to tell your friends how much they mean to you. And don't worry about me, I'm good. I think I know how you all feel about me. So you can skip me if you want.

I need beer. Too bad it's 11:00am and I'm at work.

D

Dear Santa; Give me what I want, and I'll give you the antidote to the poison I put in your milk. Love, Derek

Well, Scott went and made today’s post a ton easier. Thanks, Scott. So instead of trying to think of something clever to write, or how I could avoid writing about how good it’s going with The Girl Waaaay Out of My League (that’s all you get); alls I have to do is come up with my Christmas List. Dang, this was always hard for me. Hard to narrow it down I mean.

My Super-Fantastic (and surprisingly boring) X-Mas List: (The abridged version)
TV on DVD (my new crack):
Sports Night
Batman: The Animated Series
Family Guy: Volume 2, Season 3

Books:
Dispatches from the Tenth Circle: The Best of the Onion
The Complete Calvin & Hobbes
The whole “Graphic Novel” section at Barnes & Noble

Gifts I can only get from the Sugar Momma (or Daddy) that I haven’t gotten yet:
Super, freakin’ sweet computer
Tivo
iPod
Plasma TV

Gift Certificates (my gift of choice to others):
PetsMart
Barnes & Noble
Gallop’s
Wal-Mart/Target
Old Navy

That was kind of painful, having to leave off everything I want. Actually, you guys can't really get me what I really want for Christmas. I have to earn that for myself. And NO it isn't dirty. Sheesh.

Now, I just have to figure out how I’m gonna pay for everyone else’s gifts.

D

I laugh because it's true...well, sort of.

I have recently re-discovered my long lost love of The Onion.

Most of you are probably already familiar with this wonderful piece of print/internet/whatever. Not familiar? The best definition of The Onion probably comes from Wikipedia: "The Onion is a newspaper of parody and satire, published weekly in print and on the Internet." Or you could say that it's fake news akin to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but you read it instead of watching.

How can you not love stories like Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death (not a Highly Sophisticated Redneck), Couple Upstairs Going At It Again, or even Area Man Training For Upcoming Sanford And Son Marathon (hits close to home, I know).



So, if you've never read The Onion before and you're not a tight-ass, give it a shot. You'll probably like it. Read it before and forgot about the parody goodness? Go back for some more. Do it. Do it now.

D

Hell, sometimes it's almost a look into the future: Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related.

It's great to be an Eagle!

So it's Tuesday morning and I'm still relishing, no, revelling in the fact that we beat Furman on Saturday. So what? I can do what I want. And I want to show pictures:





































I figured that I needed to add some content. So I decided to kill 2 birds with one post, type some words and show some pictures of Furman sucking.

More words:
Furman, sucks, tremendously, purple, pansies, butt-whooping, losers, not, number, one, any, more, suck, & it.

I think that may have gotten some of it out of my system.

D

I just saved somebody's life!

Well not really, but maybe. I just wanted to be able to say that once in my life.

I just gave blood. They're having a blood drive here at school and I signed up yesterday. Never have gotten to donate before, usually because of me getting a tattoo within 12 months of trying to donate.

Not this time. I was bound and determined to try and do it.

But the whole time I was thinking "what if they call me back later and are like 'there's something seriously wrong with your blood!'?" Or I find out that I have some blood disease or something?

But I'm pretty sure I'm cool. I guess they'll mail me something saying I shouldn't ever give blood again and go see a doctor if there is something wrong.

So if you can, give blood. 'Cause hey, everyone should get to feel like a superhero and save someone's life. Even if it's only for like an hour.

Plus, I got this funny sticker that says "It's my first time, be nice to me." I should make that into a t-shirt or something. That, and "I like to cuddle". I hear that works too.

D

Hall-o-weeeeeeeeee-n!

Or something like that.

Man, Halloween reminds me every year why it's probably my favorite "holiday". The fun, the parties, the random crap that happens, the pointing and laughing at me after the weekend is over. Kind of like the usual weekends, but with more candy and people dressing up.

Like me. And, boy did I out do myself this year. I went through several ideas for costumes until Liz and I came up with the perfect one. I mean, Halloween is about letting your creative side out, right? Right?

So for those of you who weren't there to witness me degrade myself in person, or haven't heard yet; I went as a cheerleader. Probably the biggest and ugliest cheerleader in the history of cheerleading, excluding the ones in Athens. I can't top those.






Not so much this...












A little more like this.
(This pic is for effect. I'm not in there.)





So there I was freezing my pom poms off in a cheerleading outfit on a cold, nay a freakin' freezing, October night. Drunk as piss too (go figure). I figured that as long as I was dressed like a cheerleader, I might as well get drunk like one too. Hard and fast. So I hit the hunch-punch. Repeatedly. And often. So by a couple of hours into the party I was blitzed more than a crappy quarterback with a weak O-line.

I'm sure there will be pictures surfacing on the Internet soon from our beloved Scott (you sorry bastard), but I would prefer them not to. Please? Pretty please? I'll do a cheer or something for you.

Any-hoo, try to get back to doing something productive now that I may have mentally scarred you for life. You're welcome.

D

Kind of like I just took my first sip of a cold beer on a warm, sunny beach.

I feel good.

Man, it's been a while since I've actually said that. Well, sober anyways. But I really do feel good. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. You know what I mean?

I feel kind of revitalized. Just really happy and pretty comfortable with myself. I'm in a good spot in life right now. Good, new job. Lots of good friends. Money is coming in (just got my check). The dog and I are healthy. I met a girl.

Wait a sec. Yep. That's what I thought. It's that last one that I think put me over the top and made me really start to feel good. I knew I did before, but I think it was me feeling so good that helped out. Made me a lot more confident. I still have the whole "unhealthy body image thing", but I feel a lot more confident in myself now.

I guess that when I feel really good, I put off better vibes and that helps with the ladies. Not to toot my own horn here, but I think I may have more girls interested in me right now at once than I ever have before. And I think it's due to the whole "feeling good" thing. So I highly reccomend it to anyone. You feel good, then the girls/boys come a runnin'.

So I'm gonna keep trying to feel as good as possible and see how everything with said girl works out. And I'll try to refrain from talking about her, just in case things blow up in my face. 'Cause I think I can honestly say that she is easily one of the hottest girls I have ever met before. I mean it. I live in Statesboro for Christ's sake. But that's the problem, she doesn't. She lives like 5 hours away. I didn't wanna do the long distance thing again, but I'm gonna give it another shot for her. If it actually gets that far. So, let me back up and not put the cart before the horse. I'm just going to take it slow and not try to blow it if she is interested in me.

So, I'm gonna go home in a few and then go for a run on this beautiful day. Maybe that'll help me feel even better and help me out even more. You guys feel better too.

Later.

D

To be The Man, you gotta beat The Man!

While that IS the case in wrestling, it's not even close to being the case in college football. Well, I-A football really (I-AA has a clue and playoffs).

Apparently you don't even have to beat the best team in the nation to be considered "the best team in the nation."

The old rule of thumb actually used to be that the defending national champion was the #1 team in the country until they lost. Last I looked, USC hasn't lost in 29 games, that's about 2 and 1/2 years. So, if the Trojans haven't lost, then how can they not be the #1 team in the country? Because of the fucking (yeah, I said it) BCS.

Time and time again, the BCS has showed that it is a flawed system. Now, not every system is perfect; but come on! A computerized system that evaluates everything up to, and quite possibly the players' weight at birth; and we can't get it to work? Every year they claim there will be adjustments made. And there are. And every year there's something that goes wrong. Maybe it's an underdog or non-BCS school that comes in and runs the table. Or just too many undefeated teams that should be playing each other for the National Championship but aren't.

Either way, there's only one way to get a true National Champion: playoffs.

But that will never happen in I-A football. You know why? Money. And freakin' huge amounts of it. There's just too much to be made by the bowl games, schools, sponsors and on and on. So, due to greediness; you'll never see a true national champion in I-A. Hell, sometimes you don't even see the undefeated, defending National Champion as the #1 team in the country.

But that'll probably change by next week. And I'll have to wait and bitch about the BCS for another few weeks until something else happens.

D

How I spent my weekend or: I think I drank a third of the county dry by myself.

Ok. So I didn't completely fulfill my goal of "not remembering 48 hours of my life". It was really more like 16 or so. But I'm told I had a damned good time. And that's all that matters, isn't it?

I'm just happy that I remember how damned good Middleground sounded Saturday night. And that I have the funny memory of waking up at 5:45am Sunday morning half in and half out of the bathroom. And the dog just sitting there looking at me like I'm a freakin' retard. Again. And a win at Homecoming is always good too, even if you really don't remember it. Oh! And I remember meeting some girls in the parking lot of my complex and them asking me if I wanted to make out. Like any red-blooded, drunker than piss American; I said "Sure." But it never happened. Drunk girls are really easy to distract. Stupid dogs.

So all in all a very good weekend. Lots of beer, good friends back in town, drunk chicks, waking up in a funny place and lots more beer. Ah, another successful Homecoming.

D

Beer On!!!!

It's 2:00pm and I'm outta here. Time to get my drink on. It's 5:00 somewhere my ass. It's always "beer:30" for me.

Later.

D

Homecoming? I never left!

Ah, Homecoming. One of the most special weekends, or week actually, in all of college football season. The only weekend that compares to it in sheer school pride and drunkedness is the weekend you play your rival school. *cough* Furman swallows! *cough* Sorry, little something stuck there. Anyways, Homecoming is a joyous occasion where students show their love for their alma mater, see graduated friends from out of town, get piss drunk and verbally abuse the cream puff team that should have been scheduled for the Homecoming Sacrifice. However, it sucks huge donkey balls if your AD schedules a team that could possibly come in and steal a win and totally kill your buzz. But back to the fun and jubilation. Homecoming is about pride, pure and simple. Students and alumni show pride in their school. The football team shows pride for the school it plays for. And after a win, both sides show pride in the fact that they just drained the whole county bone dry of it's entire alcohol supply. Or two counties if you lose. Either way there's a lot of pride flowing through the streets.

So you may have guessed that it is indeed Homecoming here in the 'Boro. And you may have noticed I used a kind of theme if you will in my post. So you may get an idea that I will be showing my school pride in every slurred cheer I can muster, blatant disregard for my personal safety and that I will not remember a good 48 hours of my life after this weekend. So if you see me; be sure to raise a beer in salute to the Eagles of Georgia Southern University, keep me out of oncoming traffic, keep me away from any girls I do not need to be talking to (I'm serious. I wouldn't do that to you. Again anyways.), and check on me every now and then if/when I pass out. So, just like every other weekend I guess.

Go Eagles!!!!!

D

A.S.S.: They're Here to Save the Day... If They Don't Kill Each Other First.

Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday. But this weekend was really uneventful. Aside from me getting a pretty good drunk on last Friday night and my Eagles losing, nothing much happened.

And the fact that I am having too damned good of a time with my Liquid Courage blog doesn't help. I know that I'm prone to obsession very easily, but I don't think this is at all a bad thing. I'm getting a chance to develop the character more and do what I really enjoy: writing good material and planning to shoot another few episodes of A.S.S. Most of the time when people ask me what I want to be doing 5 years from now, I have no answer. But every time we get involved with A.S.S., I remember that THIS is what I want to do for a living.

One of the best parts has really been to watch the whole mythos of A.S.S. grow. It started out as just a couple of us screwing around making up stupid superhero characters. Then we made a short film and submitted it to Wizard for their film contest, to no success. But then it took off on it's own around Statesboro. (One time I walked into Dos Primos only to hear someone yell out "Hey! It's Liquid Courage!" I stopped dead in my tracks.) And then it took to the Internet too. Last we checked, there were like 476 downloads of the video. That's a number we weren't expecting. Then came the blogs. We farted around with the idea of doing it, and leave it to Chris to actually do it. That started the landslide of A.S.S. blogs, and now we're seeing them becoming actual superheroes in their own right. We get to do things we could never do on video, and also really develop and flesh out the characters.

So, I know I'm lovingly referred to as Liquid Courage sometimes, which is fine and dandy; but if you really want to experience LC in all his glory; as well as The Masked Mofo, The Reverend, The Slut, Pretty Boy Slim and Shit Kicker, just visit here. But remember that to get the full grasp of the A.S.S. universe, you have to read all the blogs and comments (I like to think that's where LC shines).

I hope it's entertaining. Happy reading.

D

Witness me lose "Man Points"

I'm probably gonna lose some "Man Points" for writing this short little piece, but I saw the above picture and the thought kept aggravating me until I decided to post it.

I like PDA's. Public Displays of Affection, not the Personal Digital Assistant (although I do like them. They help you organize.) Like I was saying, I like 'em. But I don't like the over the top, grossing everyone out, get a room type PDAs. I like the ones that you may only notice in glancing or cause you to say "I wish we did that". You know? Holding hands, a quick kiss, a quick goose, holding pinky fingers, winking, etc.. Those are all good.

In fact, those are one really big thing that I miss about being in a relationship. The little ways to let someone know you love them or are at least thinking about them.

So, now all you ladies (and guys too, I guess) know that there are some of us guys (now that I'm a lesser one for admitting it) out there who actually do enjoy some good PDA. Even if we don't admit it or groan about it when you do it. :)

And just to gross Kelley out: one of my favorite forms of affection, which is not a public one, is to touch my foot to one of hers in bed before going to sleep or in the middle of the night if I wake up. Shudder away Kelley.

D

In brightest day, in blackest night...

So I am totally geeking out today. Really I have been for the past few days. I cannot wait for 5:00 to come so I can go and get my new comics. It's mostly due to Infinite Crisis too. I'm stoked to see what happens, and what part some of my favorite comic book characters (Green Arrow & Green Lantern) play in this and how they're changed.

The build up for this has been huge. Some have labled this as what may kill DC comics as we know it, and some have speculated this will change things for the best. The only way to find out is to read, and I am practicly drooling over this. Issue #1 alone is supposed to have 98 different characters in it.

So I made it a point to tell Ted to have a copy of it in my pull box or die. So don't expect to hear from me tonight. Between reading comics, Lost and a phone convo with Chris; I'm booked for the evening.

Later.

D

See? It's like I have ESPN or something.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9619852/

Everyone is starting to figure out what I've been telling you guys.


D.

This John Cusack character would not have made my top 10 list.

Which John Cusack Are You?

Not exactly the John Cusack character I was hoping for. I was going for Martin Blank from Grosse Pointe Blank or maybe Lane Meyer from Better Off Dead. Let's try it again and see what happens:


Which John Cusack Are You?

Hmmmm...That came waaaaay out of left field. And I have nothing to say about the tuxedo part. Except: "Heh. Monkey suit." And I just remembered that I do have a pic of me in a tux. No one will ever see it.

Which John Cusack character are you?

D

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy...STOP!

So I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write about, or how to tie up everything from this weekend. More to the point, the fact that Scott almost hooked me up with a Miller Lite Girl. But I didn’t want to be the lonely, sappy guy writing about romance (or the lack thereof) and bring everyone down. But after reading one of The Waiter’s latest entries, I figured that now was as good a time as any to talk about said Miller Lite Girls and what a picky jackass I am.

Cut to scene: Dos Primos, Friday night, early in the evening (7:30/8:00ish), 5 of us sitting at a table next to the bar. I’ve already had a few big beers.

Jessica gets off the phone with Scott and lets us know that he’s coming up there…and bringing Miller Lite Girls with him. Jubilation occurs amongst the men at the table. I ingest a few more big beers.

Scott comes up there accompanied by 2 lovely ladies whose sole responsibility that night is to make people (including myself) drink Miller Lite, or at least more of it in my case. Not a hard job, I assure you. **Most of the people at the table would have been drunk off half the amount I had that night.**

Immediately, I lock my sights on one particular MLG. We’ll call her MLG #2. And after repeated use of a clever little name-remembering device, I feel that I am ready to (or at least drunk enough to) try and strike up an intelligent (or at least mildly entertaining) conversation with MLG #1 & #2. At this point I’m betting that you’re wondering how it went. Well me too. I mostly just remember being pulled aside and told that I should go after MLG #1 because she's cute and “our personalities fit more”. Shit. Does that just mean I don’t have a chance in Hell with the first one? Probably, but thanks for looking out for me anyways guys. So I think I spent the rest of the night talking with MLG #1 when she was at the table. And if the whole “our personalities fit more” thing was true, then I probably had a good time.

BUT, I’m gonna be the typical guy here and say that I really was more interested in MLG #2. And yes it was because I thought she was more attractive. And quite possibly because I was told I couldn’t have her. Whatever the reasons, I felt like a douchebag the next day when MLG #1 & #2 came to the tailgate, and I still felt the same way. #1 even started talking to me again by asking me if I remembered her or anything else from the night before. A note to all of you: asking me that question prompts instantaneous fear and anxiety in me, mostly because I don’t remember and am capable of most anything when drinking. I laughed and told her yes I did remember. And I even busted out my handy-dandy name remembering device. But still not interested (and I'm pretty sure #2 was even less interested in me at this point). Damn. There’s goes a shot at a Miller Lite Girl, and all because I’m too picky.

Sometimes I wish that I could just mix and match peoples’ traits. The physical beauty of one girl matched with the personality of another. Then I could just go ahead and make my perfect woman like a crazy, horny Dr. Frankenstein. But then I’d inevitably leave out some of the great quirks that make people who they are and that you fall in love with, all in the name of being superficial. Then I’d be stuck with a hot girl who is basically a sex-bot. It could be worse I guess.

So I guess I’ll keep trying to be picky and keep hoping that I’ll find my one and only someday. But until then, there’s always plenty of booze and amusing fantasies about having a sex-bot. That ought to keep us all entertained for a little while.

D









Somehow, I think if it had been these 2 Miller Lite Girls, I wouldn't have cared which one I ended up with.

randomorganization V2.0

Redesigning the page a bit. Pretty much because I have some free time on my hands right now. Bear with me por favor. And let me know what you think I should do, change or add.

D

Aye, for all the good it did me I might as well have shoved it up me arse.

Beer week.

Is it truly a beer week when Liquid Courage himself doesn't participate? I think not, kids. And when I say "participate" I don't mean my usual partaking of the nectar of the gods. Although I have partaken and accidentally got hammered the other night just sitting on the couch. What I meant was contributing to the beer-themed blogs written by Scott, Brad and Alison. So I decided to throw in my 2 cents with a little something I came up with the other night (while drinking). If this sucks, blame it on the mixing of some free Southpaw and another free beverage that I won't admit I drank.

How do you drink beer? There are several ways to insure that you'll be killing off brain cells and destroying random property in no time. Some are slower and ensure you'll have a fun time with your friends/relatives at that BBQ. And others are to ensure that you'll be as drunk as possible in as short a period of time before whatever event you will inevitably not remember. So below are several methods of consuming adult beverages (and we'll stick with beer for easier purposes), ranked from easiest to most difficult.

Sipping
The easiest and slowest of the group. The "baby steps" of the methods of drinking if you will. Once you master this, you're set to try another difficulty level. Although, sometimes you drink so much that you can't even take "baby steps" anymore (let alone walk) and are reduced to spilling all over your face and in the general direction of your mouth. This is when a friend or sponsor should step in, cut you off, and save innocent beers from having their young lives wasted by making new stains on your t-shirt.

Shooting
The close cousin to sipping. For the person who just can't wait that extra second or two to have that 1 ounce of beer get into their system. The only times that shooting beer are even remotely acceptable is when playing a drinking game a la quarters, chandeliers, power hour, the Family Guy Drinking Game, etc... If caught randomly shooting beer, you just look like a noob or a retard and should fully expect and accept any and all mockery.

Chugging
An advanced version of sipping, where you take in more of the beer in one "sip" and also consecutively without stopping. Or breathing. Most of the time chugging is seen outside of entrances to events, stadiums, or bathrooms when an individual deems it necessary to finish off whatever is left of their beer before endeavoring in whatever activity is to follow. Learning to chug is a necessary tool when one expects to participate in bar games or drinking games in general. For guys, the faster you can chug, the better chances of winning some crappy t-shirt at the bar or at least another beer that you get to taste and enjoy this time around. For the ladies, the faster you can chug, the more guys you will impress and add to your pool of admirers and those wanting to spend a little quality time with you. And the better I'll look to you in a shorter period of time. Drink up, ladies.

Shotgunning
This is very similar to chugging, but I gave it it's own section due to the sheer mechanics of having to shotgun. And it's best to do this at the beginning of a binge because it will involve a sharp object, and that never goes well at the end of having 14-15 beers. First, take a full, unopened can. Second; find a knife, awl, or anything sharp to poke a hole near the bottom of said can. Do not poke out an eye. Third; watch the spray come flying out (feel free to spray those around you) and immediately open the can, tilt both head and can back and begin to chug the beer without spilling it all over yourself. Try to at least. Optional ending: crush can and belch mightily.

Funneling/Beer Bonging
Usually reserved for trips to the beach, funneling/bonging has moved to the backyard and parking lots of the college town. A quicker way to ingest a beer or several beers while everyone stops what they're doing to watch you. Just think of Frank the Tank in Old School and you'll get what I'm going for here. Take funnel and hose, bend up the hose so the beer doesn't run straight out (I've seen this step left out only to end in disaster), add beer(s), wait for the head to dissipate, have accomplice hold said funnel above you (as to let Mother Earth's gravity aid in getting you smashed), then chug the hell out of it. Mandatory finish: blow the head out of the funnel like a trumpet. Then belch like noone's ever belched before.

Keg Stands
The top of the drinking evolutionary chain. If you want to bring an entire section of a good party to a stop just to chant for you to drink, this is your best bet. This is also the best way to try and start or re-start a party, as it gets others involved. Generally 4 people are needed, but 3 will do if you have a freakishly big or strong person on the team. 1 to drink, 1 to pump the keg every now and then, and 2 (or 1) to hold drinker's legs up so that he/she is completely upside down. Much like chugging, being good at keg stands can raise your status at a party, or even give you an in with people who might not have otherwise talked to you. The longer you can chug upside down from a nigh never-ending flow of beer, the better you look (and the better everyone else looks too). One extra difficulty with keg stands is knowing when to stop. Some people go until beer comes out of their noses and they choke. Some go until their leg holders can't hold them up any longer. And still others go on until world records are set and they get forcibly removed from the keg so that they don't drain it. For the guys: always, ALWAYS, try to out do the girls when it comes to keg stands. Forget the other guys, being shown up by a girl will start the questioning of masculinity. If you do lose to a girl, keep an eye on her. She may that special someone later on that night. BUT if you get challenged by a player from the women's rugby team: walk away.

So there you have it. An over-written explanation of how to drink beer. All this beer talk has made me have to pee, so I'll talk to you kids later.

D

Kind of like Jimmy Caan in "Misery"

So the new job allows me access to the Internet. Hooray!

However, there is a slight glitch in my goofing off plans: The school has a web filter/software thingamajig that restricts certain sites (entertainment, shopping, etc...) while you're online. It's called "Quota Time" or something. So you can go to the sites you'd like to, but you only have about 60 minutes or so total of time each day (I think) to go there. It runs in about 10 minute increments, so you had better make the best of every second when you're on whichever site is filtered. But at least it's kind enough to tell you ahead of time that the site you typed in is on their filtered list and how much time you have left. I guess it's to keep everyone all productive and stuff.

HOWEVER, I am still testing sites to see if they are snagged and so far some of my favorites are not. Like Blogspot! Cool beans.

So, it's not like I've been handicapped like Brad, but I'm still used to having a little more freedom Internet-wise. At least I get to go home every night.

D

Shameless and quick...just like pulling my pants down at El Sombrero the other week.

What I had up here before was a little too self-indulgent, so I took out the big section with all of my links in it.

I got a tad caught up in the wave of "Google Bombing" and wanting to be the number 1 search result for "Derek" on the Google Blog Search for "Derek". Who knew I could be so egotistical?

So I figured that I'd take the Jake approach to it:
"Here's what I need all of you with Web sites and blogs to do: throw a link somewhere that links the phrase "Jake Hallman" to jakehallman.com."

Except you should probably replace Jake's name and site with mine, naturally.

Thanks for any and all help. We'll see if this works.

Oh, and what I did in the title can be credited to my long distance, heterosexual lifemate, Chris. FYI.

D

Same Stuff, Different Place

First day on the job. And I'm doing one of the things I loathed about my previous job: calling students. I freakin' hate it. I seriously have ADD when it comes to making mass amounts of phone calls. I can get through several in a row before getting fed up and needing to do something else for a few minutes. I'm no telemarketer, but that is part of the job. So I have to deal with it.

Other than that, it's quite interesting (or comical). I don't really have an "office" right now. I was supposed to, and it was supposed to have been finished by now, but it "didn't benefit anyone to have it done", so I'm SOL. So for now, I'm in the old library all by myself. Which is kind of cool. No one else in here, so I can call a few times and then goof off a tad and then go back to calling...and then back to goofing off. You know how it goes. Apparently, this old library is going to be renovated soon and it will be where the new Admissions Office will be. It'll be nice I think when they're done. Guess we'll see.

Everyone I met has been super nice today (aren't they always on the first day?), and from what I hear; they really ought to stay nice. I did kind of receive an invitation to tour the "morgue" for Mortuary Science. Cool. I'll take them up on that. I think I get an official tour later on. But not today. It's the first day of classes for the quarter and things are crazy busy. And I have calls to make. Yay.


So I went to see Serenity last Friday. And to quote a friend, "if you haven't seen this movie yet, you're only doing yourself a disservice." It's that freakin' good. It's one of the few that I'd actually pay to go see again. Like, probably this weekend. I've already told several people they need to go see it and I'd go with them if they wanted. And Joss Whedon really wrote it well enough for anyone who'd never seen an episode of "Firefly" to still really enjoy the movie. I usually end up wondering what time it is or how much time is left in most movies I see nowadays, but this isn't one of those. I was tense and engrossed the entire time. I was actually kind of emotionally worn out when we were done. And the conversations that started after that! those were great too, as several of us already had vested interest in it from the show. So if you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favorite and treat yourself to one of the best movies of the year. Then you'll probably want to run out and pick up the entire series on DVD (there's only 13 episodes, so that's not bad at all).

So that's it for now. I may update some more later on amidst the ongoing calling.

D

Vacation: Days 2-5

Sorry. I know I said I'd probably be able to update everyday since I would have some free time on my hands...but I never got around to it. But never fear, for now I can try and catch you up on everything that happened. Not like anything exciting happened though.

Got off to a great start with the 2-a-day runnings. Monday and Tuesday went fine, but the last on Tuesday was a killer. After that, I noticed that I had pushed myself too hard. My legs were too damned tight to run no matter how much I stretched. So I had to lay off for a day or so. Did get to go running this morning though. I did notice that it was still extremely hard to run, but not because of my legs, I was just winded from the beginning. I know I'm out of shape and all, but I generally don't get winded like that until about the 2nd mile or so. This started in the beginning and caused me to walk a bit after every mile. Pissed me off a good deal too. Oh, Jessica asked how far I run, and it depends (weather, health, etc..). But it's usually (and I'm guesstimating here) 3 1/2 to 4 miles each time I go. But that's if I can finish. If not, usually about 2 1/2 to 3 miles.

Clean apartment? Check. Of course I only ever think it's clean for that first day...then it's dirty again.

Washed car? Check. Then the lawn maintenance guys came by and dirtied it up again for me. Thanks guys.

Caught up on my reading? Sorta check. Got through my Erk Russell book. Have yet to start The Dark Knight Returns.

Wash the dog? I brushed him. Does that count?

Experiment with how much I can drink in one day in the middle of the week? Surprisingly, no. Ran through the beer I had on Wednesday night and never got around to getting more.

Going to see Serenity Friday night when it opens. Check? I mean, I still plan to. So does that count as a check?

Waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to come and fix the ceiling fan, door weatherstripping and pest control? Check. And still waiting. Friggin' bastards are pissing me off.

So basically you get the idea that I had an entire week off and accomplished absolutely nothing. Which was kind of the point really. But I was really starting to just lose my mind with boredom for a while. Then I would conjure up something else to do to keep me occupied for an hour or so. So all in all, I'll probably never take another week off to do nothing. Hell, I'll probably never take another week off period, unless I'm headed somewhere really cool and worth the week. Sorry I had nothing great this time.

D

Vacation: Day 1

Ahhhhh. Vacation. I had forgotten what this was like.

It's already off to a good start: I got up early this morning to start my 2-a-day running. And that may have been the best run I've ever taken. I didn't get winded at all. It's because it wasn't 90-something degrees and humid as Hell. It was perfect. And the first mile (which I hate more than anything) was a piece of cake. So I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow morning's run. Now this afternoon's run...not so much. That 90-something degrees and humid as Hell...yeah, that'll be then.

I am on campus right now and just finished my HR exit interview, so that's the only blemish on the vacation so far. But I'm willing to over look it because I know I get to walk by the Office and keep going to my car. Unfortunately, it'll be straight to the new job's HR so I can pick up insurance stuff and then head back over to here to drop off the COBRA and other forms that I need to. Fun!

I realized that my "to do" list will probably be finished today or tomorrow since I'll be up so early and will have a lot of time on my hands. In fact, I started on it last night because I just couldn't wait to get started on the cleaning. I know, OCD. Girls find it endearing at first, then just plain annoying.

And I am glad to report that I remained drama free this entire weekend. No new disasters were caused by me, or because of me. And my team is now sitting at .500, and hopefully ready to rattle off another 7 wins in a row. Go Eagles!

That's just a quick update of what I have right now. But I may be able to update every day here in the library if I do indeed get bored enough to walk over and check email and whatnot. We'll see.

D

Fin.

So it's my last day at work. And here I am hard at work. Oh so hard at work as you can see.

I have one of 2 exit interviews in a few hours and will get the full "I'm so disappointed in you" in person from my boss. Whatever. If I wasn't treated like an indentured servant for the last few months, then I might care a little. But I don't. The other exit interview with HR isn't until Monday. So I have a few days to decide if I want to blast my bosses on my way out, or just be happy with how pissed they are that I'm leaving right now in the middle of the season. Probably the latter.

Then I have to turn in everything that I was ever given to use for work (ID, calling card, office key, nametag, computer, etc...) so that I don't go around posing as an employee. I think that I've had quite enough of posing as an employee around here, thank you very much. Don't think I'll be doing it on my time off. But, turning in that shite will allow me to go around campus and visit people I haven't seen in a while and most importantly stay out of the office and possibly leave early to get my drink on. ****ATTENTION! Anyone in or around Statesboro should come to The Hat to see me get extra wasted tonight. Starting at 5:00 (or earlier). That is all. ****

So today I spend my time cleaning out my office, getting teary eyed from saying goodbye to those I care about, and swiping as much stuff as I can. I think I deserve some "going away gifts" from the office. When the hell am I ever going to go out and buy some nice pens or Post It Notes? I use those damned things like I own stock in 'em.

I do have next week off before starting my next job, so I find myself trying to think of things to do to keep me occupied. I unfortunately can't pull a Brad and go off on a great vacation before starting the new job, so I'm stuck with hanging around the 'Boro. So far I have come up with a few things to keep me occupied for the next week:

• Cleaning the apartment (over and over)- for those of you who know me, that's a given.
• Washing the car
• Running twice a day (hopefully)
• Renting some movies/games from Blockbuster
• Going to see Serenity when it opens on Friday.
• Washing the dog- that will take all day.
• Experimenting with how much I can drink in one day in the middle of the week.
• Getting my comics on time on Wednesday

And that's about all I can think of. Anyone got any suggestions? That'll only take up a few days out of the whole week, so I may be kind of bored.

Well, that'll do it for this update. I'll probably add some other things later though. OH! I almost forgot, since I have no access to a 'puter at home, I'll either have to sneak into the library to post and check on everyone or wait a week until I start at the new place. Just FYI.

D

Fruit basket turn-over

Sorry if this kind of comes and goes style-wise and/or just seems spotty at best. I'm watching TV and typing during commercials/the shows.


Ah, Fall. I love the fall and all the things that come with it: college football, girls returning to the 'Boro, and all the new shows on television. It's that last one that I'm gonna cover for a bit until I run out of things to say.

The new Fall line-up is a great and troubling thing of beauty. All the new shows that get cranked out to peak my interest and the return of some old favorites. It wouldn't be a problem if all the ones I wanted to watch came on at different times from each other, but I'm not that lucky. Instead, I have to try and pick between a new show that I think I might enjoy and the ones that have won me over in the past. I know, my life is so hard.

Formulating a plan to combat this onslaught of entertainment is tricky at best. I'm almost having to flip a coin to decide which ones to watch. However, I'm pretty much going with an hour long show if it's matched up against a half-hour one. I figure that the networks are more likely to show the half-hour ones again later, rather than the hour long ones. Logical enough, right?

It's just having to decide between genres or even actual actors that makes it hard to decide. Do I feel like a comedy or sci-fi? Really can't go wrong with either one. Mark Harmon or David Boreanez? It's a pick 'em. And having to figure out what comes on when is a pain in the ass too. Shows getting moved to another day and time, or new shows being thrown into an old shows' time slots.

I suppose that in the next few weeks I'll have my picks and settle into my nice, little routine (since I won't have to work nights any more); but I do so miss my old one. I knew exactly what was coming on, slid into my butt-groove on the couch and immersed myself in some good, old boob-toobery. But for now, it's weeding out all the shows that don't make the cut and establishing my new starting rotation. All I know is I need like 6 TVs, each with Tivo. ;)

D

Old favorites:
Lost
NCIS
Scrubs
Smallville
Justice League Unlimited

New potentials:
My Name is Earl
Supernatural
Bones
Threshold

The dearly departed:
Angel
Committed
Firefly

Yar!

Avast ye land lovers or I'll keel haul 'ya!

So I heard on the radio while I was driving up here (Fayetteville, GA) that today is national "Talk Like a Pirate Day". Hmmm. So today is the day when I would not sound so utterly ridiculous firing off my usual "yar!" to punctuate something. I swear I actually do it. I even called and left a pirate-style voicemail for a friend the other day.

I've even been involved in a discussion with said friend on what pirates prefer to be called. We decided that "pirate" is not the proper nomenclature, that they prefer "nautical bandit". And that it is highly offensive to them to be singled out as the unwelcome ones at movie theaters. You've seen the anti-pirate stickers, the ones with the pirate and the red circle and slash through it. It's really sad that discrimination is still present in our society. Those poor cargo transport specialists.

Then there's the whole pirates vs. ninjas debate that has raged for eons. I strongly back the pirate party. So the ninjas are stealthy, deadly, mysterious and dress in all black. Whoopity-doo. Pirates are loud, really freakin' deadly, scare the shit out of their victims and dress like they raided a Broadway dressing room. PLUS, those guys are all about the rum and booty. How can you not love guys that are all about rum and booty?

How do you not take this job??? http://forums.g4tv.com/messageview.cfm?catid=74&threadid=482620

So something is severely wrong with me then. I kind of came to terms with that a while back actually, but sometimes you have to admit it to others to begin the recovery process.

Ninjas or pirates?










<--- Cheap ploy to get at least 1 guranteed "pirate" vote.







D
"Ninja, please."

Helpless.

There's not much more that I can think of to make you feel so utterly helpless, as when your school's athletic team (ie, football) is losing. Especially when you're accustomed to winning. A lot.

So when my team is now currently 1-2, I don't know what to think. Do we have a good team that just can't get it together? Are we just too young across the board? Is this really a rebuilding year? Will THIS loss snap us out of the funk and get us back on the right track?

Then there's the blame game. There's always got to be someone to blame, right? Some people are blaming the coaches and some are blaming the players. It's hard not to try and blame someone, but who's to blame really? Ill advised play calling and lost fumbles will both cost you the game.

But I'm trying to remain optimistic. In 2000 we started 1-2 (losses to UGA and Delaware) and ended up winning the national championship. But we're a very far cry from that team in 2000.

Hey, I said I was "trying" to remain optimistic. I'll still be there this Saturday and scream myself hoarse again just like 2 weeks ago.

D

GO EAGLES!!!!

So...THIS is what causing the apocolypse feels like.

Main Entry: pa·ri·ah
Pronunciation: p&-'rI-&
Function: noun
Etymology: Tamil paraiyan, literally, drummer
1 : a member of a low caste of southern India
2 : OUTCAST
3: Derek in the Office now.

The main update you've all been waiting for: I got the job.

Not what I was hoping for financially, but it will allow me to finally come off the road (where I am right now as a matter of fact) and be able to function as a member of society at home. No more missing out on things, neglecting friends, leaving the dog for weeks on end, etc...

But, I'm having some serious mixed emotions right now. Happy, sad, excited, depressed and a little numb. I feel it all.

Just got off the phone with the boss' boss. Having to try and explain why I'm leaving now and tried to kind of hide the fact I was doing it really wore me out. I hate that kind of conversation/confrontation. And knowing that I'll be leaving an incredible group of people behind sucks, and the fact that I may be dooming some of them to what I was supposed to do in the next few weeks is killing me too.

So I'm pretty torn up inside right now...but I have to try and remember why I'm leaving in the first place: to do what is best for ME. Which isn't something that I do a whole lot. Which may be why I'm having such a hard time with this.

So I'll go back in the office and face the awkward questions and offer my awkward answers. I'll fully expect to be shunned for the most part because I'm leaving "at the worst possible time". And I'll even face any consequences that result from my decision. I just have to remember who I'm doing this for:
Me.
And him:













Thanks for the crossed fingers and all.

D