Aye, for all the good it did me I might as well have shoved it up me arse.

Beer week.

Is it truly a beer week when Liquid Courage himself doesn't participate? I think not, kids. And when I say "participate" I don't mean my usual partaking of the nectar of the gods. Although I have partaken and accidentally got hammered the other night just sitting on the couch. What I meant was contributing to the beer-themed blogs written by Scott, Brad and Alison. So I decided to throw in my 2 cents with a little something I came up with the other night (while drinking). If this sucks, blame it on the mixing of some free Southpaw and another free beverage that I won't admit I drank.

How do you drink beer? There are several ways to insure that you'll be killing off brain cells and destroying random property in no time. Some are slower and ensure you'll have a fun time with your friends/relatives at that BBQ. And others are to ensure that you'll be as drunk as possible in as short a period of time before whatever event you will inevitably not remember. So below are several methods of consuming adult beverages (and we'll stick with beer for easier purposes), ranked from easiest to most difficult.

Sipping
The easiest and slowest of the group. The "baby steps" of the methods of drinking if you will. Once you master this, you're set to try another difficulty level. Although, sometimes you drink so much that you can't even take "baby steps" anymore (let alone walk) and are reduced to spilling all over your face and in the general direction of your mouth. This is when a friend or sponsor should step in, cut you off, and save innocent beers from having their young lives wasted by making new stains on your t-shirt.

Shooting
The close cousin to sipping. For the person who just can't wait that extra second or two to have that 1 ounce of beer get into their system. The only times that shooting beer are even remotely acceptable is when playing a drinking game a la quarters, chandeliers, power hour, the Family Guy Drinking Game, etc... If caught randomly shooting beer, you just look like a noob or a retard and should fully expect and accept any and all mockery.

Chugging
An advanced version of sipping, where you take in more of the beer in one "sip" and also consecutively without stopping. Or breathing. Most of the time chugging is seen outside of entrances to events, stadiums, or bathrooms when an individual deems it necessary to finish off whatever is left of their beer before endeavoring in whatever activity is to follow. Learning to chug is a necessary tool when one expects to participate in bar games or drinking games in general. For guys, the faster you can chug, the better chances of winning some crappy t-shirt at the bar or at least another beer that you get to taste and enjoy this time around. For the ladies, the faster you can chug, the more guys you will impress and add to your pool of admirers and those wanting to spend a little quality time with you. And the better I'll look to you in a shorter period of time. Drink up, ladies.

Shotgunning
This is very similar to chugging, but I gave it it's own section due to the sheer mechanics of having to shotgun. And it's best to do this at the beginning of a binge because it will involve a sharp object, and that never goes well at the end of having 14-15 beers. First, take a full, unopened can. Second; find a knife, awl, or anything sharp to poke a hole near the bottom of said can. Do not poke out an eye. Third; watch the spray come flying out (feel free to spray those around you) and immediately open the can, tilt both head and can back and begin to chug the beer without spilling it all over yourself. Try to at least. Optional ending: crush can and belch mightily.

Funneling/Beer Bonging
Usually reserved for trips to the beach, funneling/bonging has moved to the backyard and parking lots of the college town. A quicker way to ingest a beer or several beers while everyone stops what they're doing to watch you. Just think of Frank the Tank in Old School and you'll get what I'm going for here. Take funnel and hose, bend up the hose so the beer doesn't run straight out (I've seen this step left out only to end in disaster), add beer(s), wait for the head to dissipate, have accomplice hold said funnel above you (as to let Mother Earth's gravity aid in getting you smashed), then chug the hell out of it. Mandatory finish: blow the head out of the funnel like a trumpet. Then belch like noone's ever belched before.

Keg Stands
The top of the drinking evolutionary chain. If you want to bring an entire section of a good party to a stop just to chant for you to drink, this is your best bet. This is also the best way to try and start or re-start a party, as it gets others involved. Generally 4 people are needed, but 3 will do if you have a freakishly big or strong person on the team. 1 to drink, 1 to pump the keg every now and then, and 2 (or 1) to hold drinker's legs up so that he/she is completely upside down. Much like chugging, being good at keg stands can raise your status at a party, or even give you an in with people who might not have otherwise talked to you. The longer you can chug upside down from a nigh never-ending flow of beer, the better you look (and the better everyone else looks too). One extra difficulty with keg stands is knowing when to stop. Some people go until beer comes out of their noses and they choke. Some go until their leg holders can't hold them up any longer. And still others go on until world records are set and they get forcibly removed from the keg so that they don't drain it. For the guys: always, ALWAYS, try to out do the girls when it comes to keg stands. Forget the other guys, being shown up by a girl will start the questioning of masculinity. If you do lose to a girl, keep an eye on her. She may that special someone later on that night. BUT if you get challenged by a player from the women's rugby team: walk away.

So there you have it. An over-written explanation of how to drink beer. All this beer talk has made me have to pee, so I'll talk to you kids later.

D