Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the Devil.
Well, not really. But he’s kind of like a drug dealer hanging around always trying to “hook you up”. Well, maybe more like the guy you know who’s a real ass and always tells you “I told you so. You should’ve listened to me.”
About a year back I was bored at work and decided to fill out eHarmony’s “most specific and really awesome nothing’s better than this” personality survey. You know, just for shits and giggles. Damned thing took forever.
What did I discover about myself after taking it? Same damned crap I already knew and could have found out in a 2 minute “which kind of…” internet survey I usually take when I find one.
But that’s what good, old Neil Clark wanted. He had me in his database now. Now he had the ability to screw with me whenever he wanted. And boy did he want to…
First I got the obligatory “Thanks for filling out the personality test, go ahead and sign up” email. Sorry, just not into paying anymore than I have to in order to date someone. I’m perfectly capable of finding girls who don’t want me on my own AND free of charge.
Then I didn’t hear anything for a while. Not until I started dating someone. Just about a week or so into it Neil Clark sent me an email with a match they had found here in the ‘Boro. Huh. That’s kind of cool. But I ignored it (and apparently so did she when I later got curious and she had declined.) because I was already courting someone. Well, we all know how that one turned out. The relationship ended, but it seemed one of the first people to try and console me was Neil Clark. Not kidding. It seemed right afterwards I got another email for me to subscribe to eHarmony and find my perfect match. Ummm, creepy. Thanks, but I’ll pass.
A couple months go by and I’m still swimming in the Singles’ pool. Then I get another “Hey! You haven’t signed up for eHarmony’s super deluxe and awesomely great package deal!” No shit. Once again, not going to pay for it. Right after that I start talking to the most recent “not gonna be with me for long.” Things go well for a time, but I get a “You sure you don’t wanna sign up?” email. Yeah, I’m sure. I got this one, thanks Neil Clark.
Well…again, I think we all know how that turned out. And who was the first one to come a running to be there for me? Fucking A, it was that son of a bitch Dr. Neil Clark Warren. He knew! He knew and he’s teasing me. Or punishing me. Some kind of mental torture to fuck with me until I completely break and sign up.
So maybe I should. Apparently he’s good enough to know how to get to me and screw with my head. Maybe he’s that damned good and can actually match me up with my soul mate or whatever. I could be just like Christy and Mike who married May 14, 2005. Maybe I should just give in and finally join his growing cadre of eHarmony matches.
Or maybe I should just hit “unsubscribe” at the bottom of the emails he keeps sending me. But that might just piss him off and he’ll start calling me personally. OR maybe he’ll show up at my doorstep, punch me in the face, force me to sign up or he rips off a testicle and shove me into some random girl: “Derek this is Jenny. Jenny this is Derek. You’re both a match. Get married now! I am your god now!!!!!”
…………Seriously, he’s freaking me out. For now I’m just gonna ignore and delete the emails. But if this happens again, I’m gonna lose it and just give in.
D
3 comments:
That was both funny and creepy all at once.
I don't know what to tell you. I've always been skeptical of online dating services, but hey it could work.
Although, this could be an elaborate ploy on the part of the Asians...
Don't give in! How do you know the person they matched you with didn't lie on their test? You could end up with some sociopath psycho axe murderer!
Well you can have great chemistry on the phone and in person and it could still not be enough.
And physical attraction IS a decent sized part of chemistry. Well, it's probably 50% or more for most guys. You can spark and have witty conversations all you want, but if you're not physically attracted to the other person it won't work.
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