Puking Rally!

“Barf.”
“Not in here you don’t, Buster!”
“No, that’s my name: Barf.”
-John Candy, Spaceballs

Ah, vomiting: one of the body’s grosser and funnier ways to rid itself of toxins.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all laughed at it. Well, except one of my ex-girlfriends who had a serious, violent phobia of puking. I mean, I’d have to pre-screen movies we’d watch to ensure they were all hurl-free and we wouldn’t have to witness someone tossing their cookies; for fear that she’d curl up in a shuddering ball and do the Technicolor yawn herself, which would unleash another shit-storm of epic proportions…But any-hoo…

Back to yarfing. This little gem of a post comes to you courtesy of my Monday night of talking on the big, white phone. No drinking, no over-eating, no real explanation. Just a night of agony and sudden, violent weight loss. And also a new hatred of the smell of peanut butter. But I got to thinking about retching and some of the things that come along with it:

-What other bodily function can cause a person to have a religious experience and cry out “Oh, God!”? Well, ok, other than the “Big O”. In fact, ralphing has even helped to create its own form of religion by having people of various faiths converting to become “Spewish” after imbibing a bit too much of the “Blood of Christ”, Jesus Juice, or whatever. Being “Spewish” means that you pray to the porcelain god and offer up many sacrifices/tributes to it, such as: your dinner, lunch, the pizza you ate to try and sober up, corn (no idea where that always comes from), half a dozen pieces of fruit that came out of the hunch punch cooler, a quarter, and possibly a live goldfish (if you went to a frat party). Also let us not forget all the many promises/prayers to God that we’ll never drink again if he/she/it gets us though the night…

-What in the Hell has bulimics so messed up in the head that they feel the need or compulsion to spew on a regular basis? I’d rather take 30 minutes on the treadmill than erode the enamel on my teeth and get that sweaty, blowing chunks smell all over me. Although, I have always wanted to be a size 4 and beach season is coming up soon…

- What other act or thing lets you write a complete post about it and only use its official name once? The rest can be funny terms that are common vernacular now. Well, ok, there’s the erection. And sex. But still, you gotta give it up to exorcising the demons for having so many synonyms.

- As Alison pointed out: "Why is it that when you clean the bathroom, you won't touch the toilet without gloves and a hazmat suit, but then when you're sick and puking, your whole head is stuck right in there and you don't even care. And then you start looking around, and thinking 'hmmm...I really should clean this thing one of these days.'"


So that’s a few of the things that went through my mind after another exciting round of Jackson Pollock-ing. Do with it what you will…

“You thinkin’ about callin’ some dinosaurs, Billy Bob?”
“I figured I’d give ‘em a…holler.”
-Mox and Billy Bob, Varsity Blues

D

You see what I’m reduced to writing about when I don’t got no Interweb?