TV Land has compiled its list of the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”, and reading through it is like a Who’s Who of all the “people” who helped baby-sit and raise me over the years. It’s also a little scary to look at this and realize that it’s half of my lexicon. Ok, it’s more than a little scary.
In alphabetical order, TV Land's list:
_"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
_"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
_"Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)
_"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
_"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
_"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
_"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
_"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
_"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
_"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
_"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
_"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
_"Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
_"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
_"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
_"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
_"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
_"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
_"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
_"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
_"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
_"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
_"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
_"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
_"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
_"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
_"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
_"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
_"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
_"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
_"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
_"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
_"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
_"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
_"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
_"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")
_"I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
_"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
_"I'm Rick James, bitch!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
_"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
_"It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
_"It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)
_"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
_"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
_"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
_"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
_"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
_"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
_"Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
_"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
_"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
_"Norm!" ("Cheers")
_"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
_"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
_"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
_"One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)
_"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
_"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
_"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
_"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
_"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
_"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
_"Smile, you're on `Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")
_"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
_"Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
_"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
_"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
_"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
_"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
_"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
_"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
_"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
_"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
_"This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
_"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
_"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
_"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
_"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
_"Welcome to the O.C., bitch" (Luke, "The O.C.")
_"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
_"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
_"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
_"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
_"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
_"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
_"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
_"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
_"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
_"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
_"Yeah, that's the ticket" ( Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
_"You look mahvelous!" ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
_"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
_"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
_"You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show")
-------------
“Suit up!”? That actually made it into the “100 greatest catchphrases in TV”? I mean, really? And something like “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” didn’t? What about “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener…” or “Cause Stone Cold said so!”? Those didn’t cut it?
But what do I know? I’m the guy who would’ve suggested they put in “Who wears short shorts?”
D
I demand respect for using the word "lexicon".
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Best. Channel. Ever.
As I mentioned after going to the Transplant’s wedding, Tuscaloosa has the best channel ever:
“Traffic Channel”!
I kid you not. It’s that damned good.
The screen cycles through 4 different traffic cameras around the city, shows a Doppler screen with current weather, and also offers up the Homeland Security Threat Warning color level too.
But it’s the traffic cams that make it. You’d never think sitting there watching traffic would be so entertaining. But I assure you, it is. So much so, that it was the only thing that Yogus and I watched all Friday, part of Saturday, and one last time on Sunday before we left.
We sat there trying to track cars through the screens, busted out the map to figure out where the intersections were, and yelled at each other about how you can’t just pick the white truck to follow because half of them are white. We also toyed with the idea of trying to make a banner and hang it over the bridge in front of one of the cams, but decided against it. Just think how funny a sign that says “Even people in Alabama think VanGorder should be fired!” would be.
Then came the bright idea to bring Traffic Channel to the ‘Boro. Northland Cable would have the biggest hit ever. At least for the first couple of weeks until it’s taken off the air because of all the accidents; Chinese fire drills; excessive nudity; and blatant disregard for any federal, state, local or FCC laws. But it would be pure, absolute gold until then.
We also thought about replacing the elevator musak that they had with our own live DJs who could take calls and emails, and do a little play by play for the drive times. But then we kept running into all the violations again. Maybe we should see if HBO or Showtime would pick it up…
Sadly, we screwed ourselves on our best idea when forgot to tape 6 hours worth of Traffic Channel to bring back to show everyone just how damned wonderful watching 4 static cameras can be. It could have been passed around and had copies made just like that tape in The Ring, except this tape gets you wasted instead of dead.
D
“Traffic Channel”!
I kid you not. It’s that damned good.
The screen cycles through 4 different traffic cameras around the city, shows a Doppler screen with current weather, and also offers up the Homeland Security Threat Warning color level too.
But it’s the traffic cams that make it. You’d never think sitting there watching traffic would be so entertaining. But I assure you, it is. So much so, that it was the only thing that Yogus and I watched all Friday, part of Saturday, and one last time on Sunday before we left.
We sat there trying to track cars through the screens, busted out the map to figure out where the intersections were, and yelled at each other about how you can’t just pick the white truck to follow because half of them are white. We also toyed with the idea of trying to make a banner and hang it over the bridge in front of one of the cams, but decided against it. Just think how funny a sign that says “Even people in Alabama think VanGorder should be fired!” would be.
Then came the bright idea to bring Traffic Channel to the ‘Boro. Northland Cable would have the biggest hit ever. At least for the first couple of weeks until it’s taken off the air because of all the accidents; Chinese fire drills; excessive nudity; and blatant disregard for any federal, state, local or FCC laws. But it would be pure, absolute gold until then.
We also thought about replacing the elevator musak that they had with our own live DJs who could take calls and emails, and do a little play by play for the drive times. But then we kept running into all the violations again. Maybe we should see if HBO or Showtime would pick it up…
Sadly, we screwed ourselves on our best idea when forgot to tape 6 hours worth of Traffic Channel to bring back to show everyone just how damned wonderful watching 4 static cameras can be. It could have been passed around and had copies made just like that tape in The Ring, except this tape gets you wasted instead of dead.
D
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
As close to “Pimp My Ride” as I’ll probably ever get
Went to see the claims adjuster this morning to see what all the damage was gonna total up to. Not that I really cared all that much because The Gecko is gonna pay for it, and I will incur no expense. At least, I better not.
After parts and labor, they’re looking at dropping about $2,300 bucks to replace the bumper, some safety features and the tailgate/hatch door/whatever the hell that thing is. The guy even factored in a $6 “VUE” logo on the back since he said those things crack easily when trying to remove them.
They’re even providing me with a rental car for the 5 days or so that I’ll be sans Grimlock. I just have to call them tomorrow to make sure that there will be something available for me when I drop it off on Monday. I hope it’s something cool and sporty. But I’ll probably end up with a stupid Ford Taurus, or better yet, a frickin’ Focus.
The claims adjuster was really nice and even asked me if he thought they were speedy enough during the whole process or if anything could have been done differently. Not having any prior accident experience, I told him that I didn’t have anything to compare it to; but everything went smoothly enough for me. The fact that it was drivable and made it to and from Tuscaloosa was enough to pacify me really.
While it sucks that I’m not gonna get to make any money off this, it’s a relief to know that I’m really not having to do a whole hell of a lot in order to get this all done. Or spend any money. Sweet.
D
After parts and labor, they’re looking at dropping about $2,300 bucks to replace the bumper, some safety features and the tailgate/hatch door/whatever the hell that thing is. The guy even factored in a $6 “VUE” logo on the back since he said those things crack easily when trying to remove them.
They’re even providing me with a rental car for the 5 days or so that I’ll be sans Grimlock. I just have to call them tomorrow to make sure that there will be something available for me when I drop it off on Monday. I hope it’s something cool and sporty. But I’ll probably end up with a stupid Ford Taurus, or better yet, a frickin’ Focus.
The claims adjuster was really nice and even asked me if he thought they were speedy enough during the whole process or if anything could have been done differently. Not having any prior accident experience, I told him that I didn’t have anything to compare it to; but everything went smoothly enough for me. The fact that it was drivable and made it to and from Tuscaloosa was enough to pacify me really.
While it sucks that I’m not gonna get to make any money off this, it’s a relief to know that I’m really not having to do a whole hell of a lot in order to get this all done. Or spend any money. Sweet.
D
Slutty Pumpkins, Not Mobys, & Pineapples Oh My!
How I Met You Mother: Season 1 is now available on DVD.
If you’ve never watched this show, you’re severely depriving yourself. With Scrubs not back on the air just yet, I maintain that this is probably the funniest (if not the best) half-hour on television right now. Dare I say it? I do… even more so than My Name is Earl or The Office. There. I said it.
I’ll just add this to the Library of Congress-sized list of the TV on DVD sets that I want.
D
If you’ve never watched this show, you’re severely depriving yourself. With Scrubs not back on the air just yet, I maintain that this is probably the funniest (if not the best) half-hour on television right now. Dare I say it? I do… even more so than My Name is Earl or The Office. There. I said it.
I’ll just add this to the Library of Congress-sized list of the TV on DVD sets that I want.
D
Monday, November 20, 2006
"Will drink for Internet!"
I feel really disconnected from the Internet, like I don’t have a clue as to what’s going on anywhere. Back in the pre-Internet Embargo days, I knew about everything that was going on. Sports, comics, TV, movies, news, etc… You name it, I probably knew more about it than you did, or at least knew about it a little earlier. But now, I’m lucky if I know what I’m doing 10 minutes from now.
Every time I get on the computer now, I really probably only have about 30 minutes of activity. And it’s all usually after work and before I go running or do errands. So I pretty much go to the same places every time, however briefly. It’s really neither quality nor quantity.
Today’s the first day I’ve been able to actually have some quality time with my beloved Interweb, and yet I keep freezing up. I guess I’m like a kid in a candy store or me in a liquor store: too many options and my brain overloads, so I just stand there looking at the same bottle of Beam for 15 minutes. I’m just not used to it any more.
I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again now (and I’ll probably say it again in the future): I need to get a computer.
Here's hoping that I stumble upon a great deal on a laptop, and actually find myself in the 21st century.
D
Every time I get on the computer now, I really probably only have about 30 minutes of activity. And it’s all usually after work and before I go running or do errands. So I pretty much go to the same places every time, however briefly. It’s really neither quality nor quantity.
Today’s the first day I’ve been able to actually have some quality time with my beloved Interweb, and yet I keep freezing up. I guess I’m like a kid in a candy store or me in a liquor store: too many options and my brain overloads, so I just stand there looking at the same bottle of Beam for 15 minutes. I’m just not used to it any more.
I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again now (and I’ll probably say it again in the future): I need to get a computer.
Here's hoping that I stumble upon a great deal on a laptop, and actually find myself in the 21st century.
D
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Welcome to Thunderdome
VS
Yes, as some of you may have heard (or seen on ESPN2 or Sportscenter), my beloved Eagles went into Cameron and took on those dispicable Dook Blue Devils.
The held their own in the first half and gave those Crazies a little bit of a scare. But in the 2nd half it got away from us, and Duke did what Duke does and went and put us away.
I'm just proud as shit that Georgia Southern played as well as they did, for as long as they did. And if that effort was any indication of things to come this season, then I'll be a happy Eagle for the rest of the season.
The next big opponent for the Eagles: Illinois.
Go Eagles!
D
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
No Runaway Bride this time...
I spent the past weekend in Tuscaloosa for The Transplant’s wedding. And I’m really trying my best to remember everything that went on, but the fact that I drank like a friggin’ fish for most of the time doesn’t help a ton. I may require a little assistance from The Blonde if she decides to chime in down under in the comments section.
Friday:
Left with Yogus for the 6 & ½ hour trek to Tuscaloosa at around 7:30 am in order to make sure we got there early and had time for everything. And Jesus am I glad that we did. A couple of the groomsmen were late (and missed the rehearsal) and I thought Michael’s head was gonna explode.
After 5 & ½ hours of hearing ESPN Radio talking about Rutgers (I hate Rutgers now), Yogus and I get to the hotel, check in, sift through the gift bag, find the tiny bottle of wine, and proceed to do a 2 person wine toss. Funny yes, but barely enough to whet our whistle.
Skip past the 2 groomsmen-shy rehearsal and dinner, and we land at what could be the last Middleground show ever. 2 hours and change later and the guys have sufficiently rocked the taints right off everyone in the whole damned bar. And I’m still sober. Yep, I managed to make it through an entire Middleground show sober. Well, sober for me anyways. And only because I ended up getting hosed and becoming the guy who gets to load all the equipment into his car and make sure it gets back to the hotel. Awesome.
After a last beer at the bar, Yogus and I manage to find a gas station that wasn’t closed for cleaning between the hours of 2 and 4, and I get some beer to drink at the hotel. A few minutes of watching the best channel in the world (I’m saving that for its own post) later, and we head down to drink and have some cigarettes outside. We talked the security guard into letting us sit out there for a half hour. 2 and a half (and all the beer later), and we call it a night.
Saturday:
We’re supposed to be somewhere for pictures at 1:30. 1:30! We dragged our asses out of bed around 12, mostly due to Michael’s incessant calling (he was none too pleased when I told him we were up ‘til 5am). We make our way to the University Club for pictures (on time too) and then get to play the waiting game. For like an hour. Photographer shows up, we take the pictures, and then all the groomsman not related to Avant haul ass to the hotel bar to get a beer and watch as much of the Georgia Southern – Furman game as we can before we have to be at the church. Stupid bar wasn’t open, so we run upstairs to watch a few minutes and then head over.
Ushering goes like a semi-orchestrated train wreck, I don’t trip on the way down, the flower girl uses maybe 15 petals out of the entire bucket, the ring bearer plays with a needle most of the time and probably had to go to the bathroom the entire time, both Michael and Lydia actually say “I do”, Michael almost cries, no one wins the bet because we all bet he would, I kinda snicker when I hear that he’s written some of his own vows, the Unity candle actually lights, The Blonde cries again while reading her spiel, I don’t trip and take the assigned bridesmaid with me, and everything goes okey dokey. That was the wedding.
The Reception was, well, a reception. Lots of beer, lots of making fun of people, lots of me not dancing, Yogus and I rearranging the replica GSU National Championship flags on the Groom’s cake in chronological order, doing dirty things with the veggie table, all of the groomsmen almost starting a Tuscaloosa chapter of the Eagle Club after we ran into an alum out there, and a few other hazy things.
But it was getting all kinds of wasted (doing nothing but shots) at the hotel bar in this classy outfit that really made my night. Well, other than the wedding.
That is nothing but class right there.
Sunday:
Got to brunch to try and soak up as much of the booze as I could so we could make another Homeward Bound-esque trip. Said goodbyes and congratulations and headed off. Got back without incident, picked up the Future Overlord, and finally unpacked. Then I proceeded to drink all the beer and liquor in the house until I ran out at 3 in the morning. I may have a problem.
All I wanna know now is, who’s getting married next?
D
Dirty veggies.
Friday:
Left with Yogus for the 6 & ½ hour trek to Tuscaloosa at around 7:30 am in order to make sure we got there early and had time for everything. And Jesus am I glad that we did. A couple of the groomsmen were late (and missed the rehearsal) and I thought Michael’s head was gonna explode.
After 5 & ½ hours of hearing ESPN Radio talking about Rutgers (I hate Rutgers now), Yogus and I get to the hotel, check in, sift through the gift bag, find the tiny bottle of wine, and proceed to do a 2 person wine toss. Funny yes, but barely enough to whet our whistle.
Skip past the 2 groomsmen-shy rehearsal and dinner, and we land at what could be the last Middleground show ever. 2 hours and change later and the guys have sufficiently rocked the taints right off everyone in the whole damned bar. And I’m still sober. Yep, I managed to make it through an entire Middleground show sober. Well, sober for me anyways. And only because I ended up getting hosed and becoming the guy who gets to load all the equipment into his car and make sure it gets back to the hotel. Awesome.
After a last beer at the bar, Yogus and I manage to find a gas station that wasn’t closed for cleaning between the hours of 2 and 4, and I get some beer to drink at the hotel. A few minutes of watching the best channel in the world (I’m saving that for its own post) later, and we head down to drink and have some cigarettes outside. We talked the security guard into letting us sit out there for a half hour. 2 and a half (and all the beer later), and we call it a night.
Saturday:
We’re supposed to be somewhere for pictures at 1:30. 1:30! We dragged our asses out of bed around 12, mostly due to Michael’s incessant calling (he was none too pleased when I told him we were up ‘til 5am). We make our way to the University Club for pictures (on time too) and then get to play the waiting game. For like an hour. Photographer shows up, we take the pictures, and then all the groomsman not related to Avant haul ass to the hotel bar to get a beer and watch as much of the Georgia Southern – Furman game as we can before we have to be at the church. Stupid bar wasn’t open, so we run upstairs to watch a few minutes and then head over.
Ushering goes like a semi-orchestrated train wreck, I don’t trip on the way down, the flower girl uses maybe 15 petals out of the entire bucket, the ring bearer plays with a needle most of the time and probably had to go to the bathroom the entire time, both Michael and Lydia actually say “I do”, Michael almost cries, no one wins the bet because we all bet he would, I kinda snicker when I hear that he’s written some of his own vows, the Unity candle actually lights, The Blonde cries again while reading her spiel, I don’t trip and take the assigned bridesmaid with me, and everything goes okey dokey. That was the wedding.
The Reception was, well, a reception. Lots of beer, lots of making fun of people, lots of me not dancing, Yogus and I rearranging the replica GSU National Championship flags on the Groom’s cake in chronological order, doing dirty things with the veggie table, all of the groomsmen almost starting a Tuscaloosa chapter of the Eagle Club after we ran into an alum out there, and a few other hazy things.
But it was getting all kinds of wasted (doing nothing but shots) at the hotel bar in this classy outfit that really made my night. Well, other than the wedding.
That is nothing but class right there.
Sunday:
Got to brunch to try and soak up as much of the booze as I could so we could make another Homeward Bound-esque trip. Said goodbyes and congratulations and headed off. Got back without incident, picked up the Future Overlord, and finally unpacked. Then I proceeded to drink all the beer and liquor in the house until I ran out at 3 in the morning. I may have a problem.
All I wanna know now is, who’s getting married next?
D
Dirty veggies.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Grimlock takes one in the tailpipe
Okey dokey. First there was “Prescription Adventure ’06!”
And I didn’t think it could get much more aggravating than that. Well, I didn’t want any more aggravation than that, so I decided to avoid all the waiting and other non-pleasantries that would accompany voting and I just said “Fuck it”. I know. I’m a bad American. It’s cool though. I’ll just get adopted by the Japanese (and I’d be a giant over there too!).
Anyways, I skipped voting and went home to eat and get ready to take the Future Overlord to Tommy & Kelley’s to get him acclimated over there since Kelley will be watching him this weekend. But before I left I remembered that I needed to take X3 back to the store as to avoid having to pay a late fee and spending more money the most “Meh”-worthy movie I can recall seeing. So I decided to drop it off on the way instead of going straight over.
“Dear Loki,
Why didn’t I just take it back afterwards? Oh, yeah. Because I’m on “Screw Big, Dumb American!” that’s why. Damnit.”
So I drop off the movie, head on over to Tommy & Kelley’s, and then comes the coup de grace of the day:
Getting rear ended like a prisoner on Oz.
It’s nothing real bad though. Grimlock just got a few flesh wounds. Take a look:
And I didn’t think it could get much more aggravating than that. Well, I didn’t want any more aggravation than that, so I decided to avoid all the waiting and other non-pleasantries that would accompany voting and I just said “Fuck it”. I know. I’m a bad American. It’s cool though. I’ll just get adopted by the Japanese (and I’d be a giant over there too!).
Anyways, I skipped voting and went home to eat and get ready to take the Future Overlord to Tommy & Kelley’s to get him acclimated over there since Kelley will be watching him this weekend. But before I left I remembered that I needed to take X3 back to the store as to avoid having to pay a late fee and spending more money the most “Meh”-worthy movie I can recall seeing. So I decided to drop it off on the way instead of going straight over.
“Dear Loki,
Why didn’t I just take it back afterwards? Oh, yeah. Because I’m on “Screw Big, Dumb American!” that’s why. Damnit.”
So I drop off the movie, head on over to Tommy & Kelley’s, and then comes the coup de grace of the day:
Getting rear ended like a prisoner on Oz.
It’s nothing real bad though. Grimlock just got a few flesh wounds. Take a look:
I was just sitting there at a red light, minding my own business, and probably thinking of something random and useless; when *WHAM!* Stuff starts flying forward, I thought the dog was gonna join me up front, and I got knocked out of my flip flops.
The first thing I did after putting the hazard lights on was get out and check on the dog, then the damage, and then see how bad the other car was. The lady that hit me creamed her little PT Cruiser. There was a fire in the engine and everything. I would have thought it cooler except for all the smoke billowing into the car via the let down windows for Brody.
It took all of about a minute for a cop to show up as he was about 50 yards away writing someone a ticket on the side of the road. And the whole thing really didn’t last but maybe 10-15 minutes as he gathered all the info and then let me go since my car was still in good condition to drive. Hers? Not so much. She had to be towed.
Later, on the way home, I just thought that if something else happened to me that night, on the way home or afterwards, I was gonna lose it and end SBDA a little prematurely. But then I remembered that I’d be missing a lot of good TV, so there went that empty threat.
I know it could have been a lot worse. I do. I just don’t know why the Japanese find it so damned funny to consistently piss me off. I guess I’m their live-action version of Homer Simpson or something.
D
The first thing I did after putting the hazard lights on was get out and check on the dog, then the damage, and then see how bad the other car was. The lady that hit me creamed her little PT Cruiser. There was a fire in the engine and everything. I would have thought it cooler except for all the smoke billowing into the car via the let down windows for Brody.
It took all of about a minute for a cop to show up as he was about 50 yards away writing someone a ticket on the side of the road. And the whole thing really didn’t last but maybe 10-15 minutes as he gathered all the info and then let me go since my car was still in good condition to drive. Hers? Not so much. She had to be towed.
Later, on the way home, I just thought that if something else happened to me that night, on the way home or afterwards, I was gonna lose it and end SBDA a little prematurely. But then I remembered that I’d be missing a lot of good TV, so there went that empty threat.
I know it could have been a lot worse. I do. I just don’t know why the Japanese find it so damned funny to consistently piss me off. I guess I’m their live-action version of Homer Simpson or something.
D
Big, Dumb American and the Next to Last Crusade
I need to get off this damned show. It’s killing me ever-so slowly with days like yesterday that are chock-full of suckiness.
First was a trip to the doctor’s office for a quick check-up/exam. I was in and out in an hour, so not so bad really. Could have done without the $30 co-pay though. Then came the trip to get the medicine which tested my patience to its limits. I’m now referring to this as “Prescription Adventure ’06!”
Went to Eckerd’s, which is 2 buildings up from the doctor’s office, because they’re usually pretty quick with the medicine and well, it’s really close to the doctor’s office. I walk up and ask if the prescription has been called in, but it hadn’t been. So I wait, make a few trips around the store, and skim half the newest Men’s Health for probably 20-something minutes before I go and ask them again. Still no joy. But they said they’d call to get it. Another few trips around the store and an imaginary shopping spree later, and they call me up to the desk to tell me that they don’t have 1 of the 2 needed ingredients. Fanfuckingtastic. So they want to know if I’d like to come back tomorrow to see if they have it (notice the “if”) or they can call over to somewhere else to try and get it filled today. I opt for option #2 so I can get the damned medicine that day (hopefully), and I head on over to Wal-Mart for the second part of “Prescription Adventure ’06!”
Ah, Wally World: one of the Earth’s best places to waste some time; along with Barnes & Noble, Target, Dos Primos, the organization aisle at Lowe’s (or Home Depot), and Tommy & Kelley’s house. But also one of man’s greatest enemies when it comes to trying not to spend money. Along with Dos.
A medium-lengthed jaunt through Wally World later, and I head over to the Pharmacy. It’s not ready. What a shocker. In order to avoid spending any more money than I’m about to, I park it on one of the benches in front of the Pharmacy. A short nap later and they begin with the Spanish Inquisition because I’ve never filled a prescription there before. When it’s ready, I ask why it’s in 2 bottles instead of the one it’s normally in. Apparently there’s been a mix up with the called-in order. Crappopotamous! So about another 10-15 minutes later, I have what damned well better be the medical equivalent of the water that Indiana Jones gave his father out of the Holy Grail in “The Last Crusade.” So, “Prescription Adventure ’06!” was over, and it only took a little over 3 hours.
Now, I’m sure that some of you are wondering why I didn’t just leave and come back later to pick up my prescription later on; and I’d just like to take a second to thank you for being a new reader to “Screw Big, Dumb American.” You see, as my faithful readers know and can attest: I’m a frickin’ idiot. That’s why the Japanese love me so much. That, and I’m not afraid of the physical comedy.
Ah, so. That’s the first part of the Double Whammy. And there I thought that was about as bad as it could get. And no, I didn’t actually say to myself “It can’t possibly get any worse.” That’s just an engraved invitation for SBDA to make something else happen. But apparently I don’t even have to say it anymore….
D
First was a trip to the doctor’s office for a quick check-up/exam. I was in and out in an hour, so not so bad really. Could have done without the $30 co-pay though. Then came the trip to get the medicine which tested my patience to its limits. I’m now referring to this as “Prescription Adventure ’06!”
Went to Eckerd’s, which is 2 buildings up from the doctor’s office, because they’re usually pretty quick with the medicine and well, it’s really close to the doctor’s office. I walk up and ask if the prescription has been called in, but it hadn’t been. So I wait, make a few trips around the store, and skim half the newest Men’s Health for probably 20-something minutes before I go and ask them again. Still no joy. But they said they’d call to get it. Another few trips around the store and an imaginary shopping spree later, and they call me up to the desk to tell me that they don’t have 1 of the 2 needed ingredients. Fanfuckingtastic. So they want to know if I’d like to come back tomorrow to see if they have it (notice the “if”) or they can call over to somewhere else to try and get it filled today. I opt for option #2 so I can get the damned medicine that day (hopefully), and I head on over to Wal-Mart for the second part of “Prescription Adventure ’06!”
Ah, Wally World: one of the Earth’s best places to waste some time; along with Barnes & Noble, Target, Dos Primos, the organization aisle at Lowe’s (or Home Depot), and Tommy & Kelley’s house. But also one of man’s greatest enemies when it comes to trying not to spend money. Along with Dos.
A medium-lengthed jaunt through Wally World later, and I head over to the Pharmacy. It’s not ready. What a shocker. In order to avoid spending any more money than I’m about to, I park it on one of the benches in front of the Pharmacy. A short nap later and they begin with the Spanish Inquisition because I’ve never filled a prescription there before. When it’s ready, I ask why it’s in 2 bottles instead of the one it’s normally in. Apparently there’s been a mix up with the called-in order. Crappopotamous! So about another 10-15 minutes later, I have what damned well better be the medical equivalent of the water that Indiana Jones gave his father out of the Holy Grail in “The Last Crusade.” So, “Prescription Adventure ’06!” was over, and it only took a little over 3 hours.
Now, I’m sure that some of you are wondering why I didn’t just leave and come back later to pick up my prescription later on; and I’d just like to take a second to thank you for being a new reader to “Screw Big, Dumb American.” You see, as my faithful readers know and can attest: I’m a frickin’ idiot. That’s why the Japanese love me so much. That, and I’m not afraid of the physical comedy.
Ah, so. That’s the first part of the Double Whammy. And there I thought that was about as bad as it could get. And no, I didn’t actually say to myself “It can’t possibly get any worse.” That’s just an engraved invitation for SBDA to make something else happen. But apparently I don’t even have to say it anymore….
D
Monday, November 06, 2006
Lowered X-pectations
I mean, there were parts that I did really like (“Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”), and there were some parts that I either didn’t like or just found myself yelling out “lame!” or “oh, that’s bullshit!” Ok, so there were a lot of those last parts. Not to mention all the holes in the plot line and the “Why? Why would you do that?” moments.
But despite all those moments where I nerded out and yelled at the TV, I can’t just come out and say “That was a really bad movie and I really didn’t like it.” (I have Chris to do that for me.) Maybe it’s just like one of those run of the mill summer action movies that you see and don’t really invest a whole lot of anything in. Like something The Rock would be in. And it’s a shame that I’m referring to an X-Men movie like that.
I just wish that I had the chance to watch it again to really make up my mind. Unfortunately, it’s a 2 night rental and I don’t have the time to sit down and watch it again before I have to take it back.
I think that maybe if it’s on sale during the holidays I may pick it up, if only to complete the set. I mean, it can’t be any worse than some of the other crap DVDs I own right? Right?
D
And after seeing X3, I had a veritable “chicken or the egg” problem that I needed solved. I got this straight from IMDB:
“Cain Marko's line "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" was inspired by a popular web parody film that made use of scenes from "X-Men The Animated Series." Throughout the parody , the Juggernaut character repeatedly says, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch." According to the Wikipedia, Brett Ratner even has a link to this parody on his own website. (Whether or not the parody itself was inspired by a mis-heard line from an old X-Men video game is irrelevant to film's usage of this line, since it's clearly an homage to the web parody)”
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Hanner Hooligans assemble!
Well, football season is effectively over now; with no shot at either a SoCon title or even a spot in the playoffs. About all I have left is to hope we win out, beat Vermin, and pray that we finish with a winning season. So basically, we’re just playing for pride and to really fuck somebody else over. And as much as I hate to start thinking about this in November, it’s just about time to start thinking about basketball.
It looks like we should hopefully have a good season on the hardwood, as we’re picked to finish 2nd in our division this year. The addition of several big men to an already strong and experienced roster, could have a thing or two to do with it. If this new 6’11” cat can play, then we’ll be looking at a really strong chance at the SoCon title and an auto-bid into the Big Dance. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or myself.
There’s a couple of chances to pull off major upsets, or to have our collective asses handed to us by some high profile teams: Illinois, Clemson, and possibly Dook (I mean, Duke) if we can win in their early season tourney. That game would be on ESPN2 by the way. Then of course there are the conference rivals and media darlings: Davidson and College of Charleston. Not an easy road there either.
But perhaps the biggest game of the season, with the usual division/conference title implications on the line (not to mention the raw hatred), will be the last game of the regular season against Charleston; which will be televised nationally on ESPN2 @ 1:00pm. And there’s no way in Hell that we want Charleston to come into Hanner and beat us on national TV. None.
So I’ve already started marking my calendar for the games that I’ll be at, and I’m already starting my prayers that Erin Andrews will be at Hanner for that last game so I can be just like my favorite Iowa fan. Mmmmm... Erin Andrews.
Chuck Farleston!
D
It looks like we should hopefully have a good season on the hardwood, as we’re picked to finish 2nd in our division this year. The addition of several big men to an already strong and experienced roster, could have a thing or two to do with it. If this new 6’11” cat can play, then we’ll be looking at a really strong chance at the SoCon title and an auto-bid into the Big Dance. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or myself.
There’s a couple of chances to pull off major upsets, or to have our collective asses handed to us by some high profile teams: Illinois, Clemson, and possibly Dook (I mean, Duke) if we can win in their early season tourney. That game would be on ESPN2 by the way. Then of course there are the conference rivals and media darlings: Davidson and College of Charleston. Not an easy road there either.
But perhaps the biggest game of the season, with the usual division/conference title implications on the line (not to mention the raw hatred), will be the last game of the regular season against Charleston; which will be televised nationally on ESPN2 @ 1:00pm. And there’s no way in Hell that we want Charleston to come into Hanner and beat us on national TV. None.
So I’ve already started marking my calendar for the games that I’ll be at, and I’m already starting my prayers that Erin Andrews will be at Hanner for that last game so I can be just like my favorite Iowa fan. Mmmmm... Erin Andrews.
Chuck Farleston!
D
Monday, October 30, 2006
“Eagles for Bush!”
While I never had any intention of voting for him back in 2000 (or ’04), I still had to have that sticker just because the 7th grader in me found it so damned funny.
Today, Bush is here in the ‘Boro to back and rally support for Republican Congressional candidate Max Burns; who apparently is so far behind his opposition, that it’ll probably take Bush and then some for him to win a seat.
And all Hell is apparently trying to break loose on GSU’s campus. Well, not all over campus (although that would be cool). From what I hear, it’s more where he’s speaking (Hanner Fieldhouse) and wherever they relegated the “free speech zone” (protesters) to be.
Luckily, I get to drive by Hanner on the way home for lunch so I may get to see a bit of the Secret Service-controlled chaos. Or I may just get stuck in enough traffic to make me hate Bush even more. We’ll see. I may or may not have more to update with later.
For now though I leave you with that great slogan that made me giggle a thousand times over: “Eagles for Bush!”
Yeah, it’s still funny to me.
D
Today, Bush is here in the ‘Boro to back and rally support for Republican Congressional candidate Max Burns; who apparently is so far behind his opposition, that it’ll probably take Bush and then some for him to win a seat.
And all Hell is apparently trying to break loose on GSU’s campus. Well, not all over campus (although that would be cool). From what I hear, it’s more where he’s speaking (Hanner Fieldhouse) and wherever they relegated the “free speech zone” (protesters) to be.
Luckily, I get to drive by Hanner on the way home for lunch so I may get to see a bit of the Secret Service-controlled chaos. Or I may just get stuck in enough traffic to make me hate Bush even more. We’ll see. I may or may not have more to update with later.
For now though I leave you with that great slogan that made me giggle a thousand times over: “Eagles for Bush!”
Yeah, it’s still funny to me.
D
Studio 60 on the DVD Strip
Damn it. Looks like NBC is getting ready to give Studio 60 the axe, possibly even before the season is over.
This just gives me flashbacks of another highly acclaimed, yet viewer missed, Sorkin show (which I mention every opportunity I get): Sports Night. And if they can it before the season ends, it runs the same course as another fan-favorite show that met its demise before its prime: Firefly.
Apparently, NBC has ordered 3 additional scripts for the show on top of its already planned 13; but low viewership is what’s causing it to be “imminently cancelled”. Drop offs from the first half-hour to the second show that attention-challenged viewers aren’t sticking with the show long enough for it to garner high Nielson ratings. And low ratings mean low chances of survival, even if the show is top notch.
I really really hope that this isn’t the case (maybe it’s just shoddy, initial reporting by Fox News), as Studio 60 is one of my favorite shows on TV right now. I think the last thing that we need on the air is another freaking game show or reality show. To me, that’s a prime reason why viewers can’t sit through a solid hour of television if it’s not in the 9:00 time slot (Lost and Heroes).
Regardless of if it’s to be cancelled or not, I’ll be picking it up on DVD. I’d just hate for it to be just one season of the show. Hell, at least Fox gave Arrested Development 3 seasons to find an audience before canceling the best comedy on TV.
D
Friday, October 27, 2006
A Herculean feat…
On a Derek-size scale.
I haven’t had a piece of candy in like over a month, mostly because I’m just trying to cut back on my sugar intake. But now here I am right smack dab in the middle of Halloween and all the jars, buckets and bags of all that sugary goodness. I think if I can get through the next 5 days and nights without eating any, it’ll be a task not unlike the retrieving of the Golden Fleece. Well, to me anyways.
I think I’ll be alright too, if I can manage to not drunkenly come across the world’s greatest candy bar ever:
I haven’t had a piece of candy in like over a month, mostly because I’m just trying to cut back on my sugar intake. But now here I am right smack dab in the middle of Halloween and all the jars, buckets and bags of all that sugary goodness. I think if I can get through the next 5 days and nights without eating any, it’ll be a task not unlike the retrieving of the Golden Fleece. Well, to me anyways.
I think I’ll be alright too, if I can manage to not drunkenly come across the world’s greatest candy bar ever:
The dreaded Take 5.
Yeah, I know. Not a whole Hell of a lot happening on SBDA right now…
D
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
You know what's scary?
Being a "blue" in a "red" state like Georgia.
I get hosed on all kinds of good shit because I happen to live in the Bible-belt and in a conservative state.
The latest "screwed without so much as a drink" is not being able to see a kick-ass, post-Halloween movie festival dubbed "Horrorfest".
8 movies that won't be released to the general public because they're all pussies. 8 movies that ought to be awesome to see, especially in a festival atmosphere with others who'd really enjoy them. 8 movies I won't get to see until they get released on DVD, and probably one at a time causing me a tremendous pain in the ass.
I had hoped that maybe Savannah would get it, due to it having a more of an artsy culture than say the 'Boro. But no, not so much. Hell, not even Atlanta is getting it.
Oh well. Not a whole lot I can do about it. Except rant and rave which I've already done. So I guess that means I'm done for now.
D
Monday, October 23, 2006
No career change just yet…
Damn. Found out that the City already did interviews the other day for the 2 open Firefighter positions it had. Seeing as how I didn’t get a call, I can use my Batman skills to deduce that I’m not gonna be one of those 2.
But my buddy is telling me that the new Chief wants to add an additional ladder truck to one of the stations to go out on all calls. So that would require hiring about 12 men to fill that truck on all the shifts. So hopefully sometime very soon they’ll be looking for 12 more guys.
The one positive I can come away with, is that it gives me a little more time to heal up and get ready. I’m also looking into taking the Firefighter I certificate program at night if we’re gonna offer it at school next quarter. I don’t really care about people finding out anymore.
So for now, another dream has been dashed. I’ll just sweep it up and put it in the trash with all the others. Man, I really need to change that bag as it’s getting really full.
I am not giving up though.
D
But my buddy is telling me that the new Chief wants to add an additional ladder truck to one of the stations to go out on all calls. So that would require hiring about 12 men to fill that truck on all the shifts. So hopefully sometime very soon they’ll be looking for 12 more guys.
The one positive I can come away with, is that it gives me a little more time to heal up and get ready. I’m also looking into taking the Firefighter I certificate program at night if we’re gonna offer it at school next quarter. I don’t really care about people finding out anymore.
So for now, another dream has been dashed. I’ll just sweep it up and put it in the trash with all the others. Man, I really need to change that bag as it’s getting really full.
I am not giving up though.
D
Don’t I know you?
Seems that the A.S.S. mockumentary is ever so slowly gaining a little more notoriety. Well, at least here in the ‘Boro.
2 nights in a row I was up at the bar and had someone ask me about it. Friday night’s was the best because it was so completely out of left field and just took me by surprise (not to mention giving everyone at the table a good laugh). I was stunned for a few seconds before I was able to ask him how he’d seen it. Turns out it was just in a search for “Statesboro” in YouTube (we come out on the third page along with some of those “Bubba-San” Car City commercials). He said his favorite part was my belly flop on the grass, to which I responded “Yeah, I did my own stunts.”
Saturday night had the bouncer at the door ask me about it while I was coming in. He just said that he had found it pretty much the same way with one of his friends and they had watched it a couple of times. And coincidentally, Bubba-San was at the bar that night too.
What with the small resurgence of interest, maybe I should go as good ol’ LC for Halloween this year. I’ll just be sure to wear a “Hello. My name is: Liquid Courage” nametag. Of course I’ll have to write it in crayon, make the handwriting really sloppy and possibly put the “r” backwards or something.
This almost makes me want to ask Jake to get a copy of the extended movie and put it on YouTube as well, if only for the bloopers at the end. Almost.
D
2 nights in a row I was up at the bar and had someone ask me about it. Friday night’s was the best because it was so completely out of left field and just took me by surprise (not to mention giving everyone at the table a good laugh). I was stunned for a few seconds before I was able to ask him how he’d seen it. Turns out it was just in a search for “Statesboro” in YouTube (we come out on the third page along with some of those “Bubba-San” Car City commercials). He said his favorite part was my belly flop on the grass, to which I responded “Yeah, I did my own stunts.”
Saturday night had the bouncer at the door ask me about it while I was coming in. He just said that he had found it pretty much the same way with one of his friends and they had watched it a couple of times. And coincidentally, Bubba-San was at the bar that night too.
What with the small resurgence of interest, maybe I should go as good ol’ LC for Halloween this year. I’ll just be sure to wear a “Hello. My name is: Liquid Courage” nametag. Of course I’ll have to write it in crayon, make the handwriting really sloppy and possibly put the “r” backwards or something.
This almost makes me want to ask Jake to get a copy of the extended movie and put it on YouTube as well, if only for the bloopers at the end. Almost.
D
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Homecoming: Two Thousand Ought Six
Ah, Homecoming week in the ‘Boro. And what a lackluster week it’s been. Last year I kinda felt the same way, but I was off campus for the first time in 9 years, so I didn’t get to see everything that was going on on campus. But this year’s seems a little worse for some reason.
Maybe it has something to do with us having a shoddy 3-3 record. Maybe there just hasn’t been a lot of promotion around town (I’m hoping that’s not the case on campus). Hell, maybe most people are just dreading the potential ridiculously embarrassing ass-whipping we could receive from the #1 team in the nation, and are trying not to think about Saturday at all. Who knows?
Well, I’m gonna try and make the most of it this weekend (as I do every year really) despite all the things that “could” happen. It’s like they say: the game’s played on the field, not in the stat sheets. Which still doesn’t inspire too much confidence in that we keep playing like a friggin’ yoyo (the “every other game” theory has us losing Saturday).
But I digress. Friday night does present itself with a good outing opportunity in that Elohsa will be playing at Dos. Haven’t seem them in quite some time, and I missed their last show because I didn’t even know they were playing. Saturday will offer the usual tailgating, albeit handicapped by a stupid 12:00 noon kickoff time. That only allows me a few hours to get “peppy” beforehand. Which, when playing “crApp State”, may or may not be enough time. Saturday night be me more of the same (having way too good of a time at Dos), but hopefully will allow a nap beforehand this time.
So that's pretty much the plan. Well, it's more of a loose guideline really. Hell, I'll probably just play it by ear really.
Oh, and before I forget:
crApp State is Hot Hot Hot!
Go Eagles!
D
Maybe it has something to do with us having a shoddy 3-3 record. Maybe there just hasn’t been a lot of promotion around town (I’m hoping that’s not the case on campus). Hell, maybe most people are just dreading the potential ridiculously embarrassing ass-whipping we could receive from the #1 team in the nation, and are trying not to think about Saturday at all. Who knows?
Well, I’m gonna try and make the most of it this weekend (as I do every year really) despite all the things that “could” happen. It’s like they say: the game’s played on the field, not in the stat sheets. Which still doesn’t inspire too much confidence in that we keep playing like a friggin’ yoyo (the “every other game” theory has us losing Saturday).
But I digress. Friday night does present itself with a good outing opportunity in that Elohsa will be playing at Dos. Haven’t seem them in quite some time, and I missed their last show because I didn’t even know they were playing. Saturday will offer the usual tailgating, albeit handicapped by a stupid 12:00 noon kickoff time. That only allows me a few hours to get “peppy” beforehand. Which, when playing “crApp State”, may or may not be enough time. Saturday night be me more of the same (having way too good of a time at Dos), but hopefully will allow a nap beforehand this time.
So that's pretty much the plan. Well, it's more of a loose guideline really. Hell, I'll probably just play it by ear really.
Oh, and before I forget:
crApp State is Hot Hot Hot!
Go Eagles!
D
Monday, October 16, 2006
Trying not to tempt fate
Or the SBDA writers.
So Detroit did one of the greatest swan dives ever at the end of the season. So they choked worse than Momma Cass and blew their chance at an AL Central Division title. So they had to settle for a wild card berth and had to face the dreaded Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. So I called 'em a buncha assholes.
So what? They're in the World frickin' Series right now.
And because I'm insanely superstitous (along with all the other insane things I am), I'm still gonna maintain that they're still a buncha assholes because that's worked for me so far.
So get rested, play well, and win it all boys. You buncha assholes.
D
Ordonez's Walk Off Homer
So Detroit did one of the greatest swan dives ever at the end of the season. So they choked worse than Momma Cass and blew their chance at an AL Central Division title. So they had to settle for a wild card berth and had to face the dreaded Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. So I called 'em a buncha assholes.
So what? They're in the World frickin' Series right now.
And because I'm insanely superstitous (along with all the other insane things I am), I'm still gonna maintain that they're still a buncha assholes because that's worked for me so far.
So get rested, play well, and win it all boys. You buncha assholes.
D
Ordonez's Walk Off Homer
Friday, October 13, 2006
Paraskavedekatriaphobia
Friday the 13th. Whoopity-doo.
I really don’t give much of a rat’s ass about it anymore (I thought it was cool when I was little), with the exception of hoping that someone is running a marathon of the movies, and I get to catch my favorite: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Man, that telepathic/telekinetic chick really hands Jason his ass in the end.
And if my TV timing is really on, I might catch the best scene in Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. The scene where Jason punches the guy’s head off after he tries to outbox Jason. Dumbass.
But that's about it really. I think it's pretty much just extra paranoia in peoples' heads, much like Y2K or Jesus' return.
But what do I know?
D
I really don’t give much of a rat’s ass about it anymore (I thought it was cool when I was little), with the exception of hoping that someone is running a marathon of the movies, and I get to catch my favorite: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Man, that telepathic/telekinetic chick really hands Jason his ass in the end.
And if my TV timing is really on, I might catch the best scene in Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. The scene where Jason punches the guy’s head off after he tries to outbox Jason. Dumbass.
But that's about it really. I think it's pretty much just extra paranoia in peoples' heads, much like Y2K or Jesus' return.
But what do I know?
D
Like that worm Kahn put in Chekhov’s ear
WARNING: This is one of those sucky, “my feelings” posts that isn’t of any real interest to anybody. I just felt like wallowing.
----
I feel like I’m not in complete control of my thoughts lately. Not that I can always control the randomness and thought processes that go on in my big ol’ noggin, but I can usually push things aside and forget about them for a while, if not permanently.
Not this week though. This week it’s been hard to find things that keep me busy or occupied enough to keep from thinking about something that’s just dragging me down lately. Actually, that “something” should be “someone”.
And that “someone” would be a still-smoking-hot ex, who I never really got completely over. And I had to see her all week long. Yet another reason I need to change professions.
Yes, things were friendly. Yes, I tried to play it cool. And yes, I felt like dogshit the whole week.
I found it hard to look her in the eyes when I talked to her, I had to will myself not to look over at her when I wasn’t busy, and I even had the extra-insane compulsion to go home and work out every day afterwards (like it was gonna do any good the week of). I just couldn’t win. When I was around her, I wanted to avoid her; but when I was avoiding her, I wanted to be around her. Damnit!
Friggin’ SBDA. They really decided to take a shot at my emotional cajones this week, and got a good one in. I hope they were entertained, ‘cause I sure as hell wasn’t.
Oh well, whatever. Guess I’ll deal with it the same way I usually do: gettin’ drunk.
D
----
I feel like I’m not in complete control of my thoughts lately. Not that I can always control the randomness and thought processes that go on in my big ol’ noggin, but I can usually push things aside and forget about them for a while, if not permanently.
Not this week though. This week it’s been hard to find things that keep me busy or occupied enough to keep from thinking about something that’s just dragging me down lately. Actually, that “something” should be “someone”.
And that “someone” would be a still-smoking-hot ex, who I never really got completely over. And I had to see her all week long. Yet another reason I need to change professions.
Yes, things were friendly. Yes, I tried to play it cool. And yes, I felt like dogshit the whole week.
I found it hard to look her in the eyes when I talked to her, I had to will myself not to look over at her when I wasn’t busy, and I even had the extra-insane compulsion to go home and work out every day afterwards (like it was gonna do any good the week of). I just couldn’t win. When I was around her, I wanted to avoid her; but when I was avoiding her, I wanted to be around her. Damnit!
Friggin’ SBDA. They really decided to take a shot at my emotional cajones this week, and got a good one in. I hope they were entertained, ‘cause I sure as hell wasn’t.
Oh well, whatever. Guess I’ll deal with it the same way I usually do: gettin’ drunk.
D
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Psyche!
A couple of girls that I know saw one in Savannah earlier this week, and that rekindled my interest in seeing one for my own personal amusement. And it’s also on my list of things to do before I die (which I am currently updating for your future boredom).
There used to be one here in the ‘Boro a few years back that Logan went to see, and supposedly came out white as a sheet afterwards because she was so freaky accurate and detailed. But, alas, she has relocated; and I’m not sure if she’s still in town or not. In fact, I’m not sure if there’s a psychic in town at all. Hold on, lemme check the yellow pages… Indeed there is.
According to her ad, Maria is a Psychic Reader & Advisor; and she helps you to understand your past, guide you in the present, and know your future. Who goes to see a psychic about their past? That’s what therapists are for. All anybody’s really interested in is their future, right? Well, unless maybe they have some serious compulsion about getting the best deal possible or something. Kinda like the Sam’s of the occult.
Her specialties include: Palm, Tarot Card, Crystal Readings & Soul Mate Readings. And she also hablas the ol’ espanol.
So, with a local number and addy, alls I need to do is call to see how much a session is and consider making an appointment. Anybody wanna go with?
D
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Boiling Point
Ever seen that show “Boiling Points”? If not, the basic premise is this:
MTV sends people out with hidden cameras to do seriously annoying or aggravating things to unsuspecting victims, and then keep doing them to see how long it’ll take for them to snap and go apeshit. If the victim passes the predetermined time limit, they win cash.
Alright, synopsis aside; I just went through that. But without the hidden cameras and cash. And actually, without me going apeshit.
I was just hanging out talking to a few people from work when a girl asked if any of us had a cell phone she could borrow. The others said no; but I, being the noble/naive jackass that I am, said yes. I figured that she just needed to call a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever and ask for a ride home.
When she got up and started walking around the room and in and out of the hallway; I figured out this wasn’t gonna be a short call. The coworkers just laughed as they looked at my facial expressions change as I slowly figured it out. I waited and waited for her to finish up, but she never stopped.
First I quipped about hoping the other person was Verizon too. After a couple of minutes, I asked them “Hey have you guys ever seen those T-Mobile commercials where the kids just keep talking on the cell phone and the parents start yelling at them to hang up? I’m about to do that.” Before I could turn around to give her the “wrap it up” sign, she ducked into the hall again. I followed up the T-Mobile reference with “Am I on Boiling Points? ‘Cause I’m about to cost myself some cash.”
I finally got up and went out to tell her to wrap it up. And about a minute later I got my phone.
7 minutes and 32 seconds. 7 and a half minutes! You don’t spend 7 and a half minutes on a stranger’s phone unless you were just in a multiple car pile-up or you're on either side of a hot pursuit and you get to use the line “He’ll have to call you back.” That shit’s unacceptable.
So thanks, chick. From now on, if I don’t know somebody and they need to use a phone to make a call; the answers “No, sorry. I don’t have one. But he/she does!”
D
MTV sends people out with hidden cameras to do seriously annoying or aggravating things to unsuspecting victims, and then keep doing them to see how long it’ll take for them to snap and go apeshit. If the victim passes the predetermined time limit, they win cash.
Alright, synopsis aside; I just went through that. But without the hidden cameras and cash. And actually, without me going apeshit.
I was just hanging out talking to a few people from work when a girl asked if any of us had a cell phone she could borrow. The others said no; but I, being the noble/naive jackass that I am, said yes. I figured that she just needed to call a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever and ask for a ride home.
When she got up and started walking around the room and in and out of the hallway; I figured out this wasn’t gonna be a short call. The coworkers just laughed as they looked at my facial expressions change as I slowly figured it out. I waited and waited for her to finish up, but she never stopped.
First I quipped about hoping the other person was Verizon too. After a couple of minutes, I asked them “Hey have you guys ever seen those T-Mobile commercials where the kids just keep talking on the cell phone and the parents start yelling at them to hang up? I’m about to do that.” Before I could turn around to give her the “wrap it up” sign, she ducked into the hall again. I followed up the T-Mobile reference with “Am I on Boiling Points? ‘Cause I’m about to cost myself some cash.”
I finally got up and went out to tell her to wrap it up. And about a minute later I got my phone.
7 minutes and 32 seconds. 7 and a half minutes! You don’t spend 7 and a half minutes on a stranger’s phone unless you were just in a multiple car pile-up or you're on either side of a hot pursuit and you get to use the line “He’ll have to call you back.” That shit’s unacceptable.
So thanks, chick. From now on, if I don’t know somebody and they need to use a phone to make a call; the answers “No, sorry. I don’t have one. But he/she does!”
D
Friday, October 06, 2006
Dr. Cuervo’s Old Fashioned Wonder Tonic
Wish I could take credit for this…
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
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You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living with Tequila®. Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, eroticlustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, drymouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
D
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Do I tell you how to do your job?!?!
I hate the campus-wide faculty/staff meetings we have at the beginning of the month. Inevitably they talk about numbers or present market research that tells us shit I already know. I always feel like everyone is sitting there thinking “Why aren’t we doing that?” or “Isn’t D supposed to be doing that?”
Well, yes we are; and yes, I am. So shut your mouths and let me do my job, which is exactly why your bosses hired me. You just go back to doing whatever the hell it is that you’re supposed to be doing.
Fucking meetings.
But on the kick-ass side, I did win a $25 gift certificate to the Beaver House (heh, “beaver”) at the end of the meeting, so that settled me down a bit. I think it’s only a matter of minutes before one of the girls I work with tells me I can use it to take out the girl they’re trying to set me up with. And I did see her again today, and maybe it was the distance or something, but she looked a little cuter today. I dunno. I think I need a good look right at her in some good lighting to really be sure. Don’t wanna waste my gift certificate, you know?
D
Well, yes we are; and yes, I am. So shut your mouths and let me do my job, which is exactly why your bosses hired me. You just go back to doing whatever the hell it is that you’re supposed to be doing.
Fucking meetings.
But on the kick-ass side, I did win a $25 gift certificate to the Beaver House (heh, “beaver”) at the end of the meeting, so that settled me down a bit. I think it’s only a matter of minutes before one of the girls I work with tells me I can use it to take out the girl they’re trying to set me up with. And I did see her again today, and maybe it was the distance or something, but she looked a little cuter today. I dunno. I think I need a good look right at her in some good lighting to really be sure. Don’t wanna waste my gift certificate, you know?
D
All tied up
And I got tired of tying them every freakin’ day too; so I just went and tied all the ones I wear, slipped them back over my head, and put them all on a hanger for easy access and aggravation reduction.
I’m still hoping that one day soon I’ll be able to shrug off the tie permanently, or at least trade it for a big plastic helmet and a midget’s weight in uniform and equipment.
D
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Do they even have a Betty Ford for TV?
Yes, I actually did make up a TV schedule. Yes, I have that big of a problem. No, I am not getting any treatment.
(click to enlarge, if you're so inclined.)
D
Monday, October 02, 2006
Tool Time
There’s just something about wiring or re-wiring your entire entertainment system yourself. Something manly. Something that just makes me remember that scene in Castaway when Tom Hanks makes fire for the first time on the island.
Yes, it can be a huge pain in the ass (and knees and back too), but there’s no better sense of a “Take that you sonofabitch!”-type accomplishment than being able to sit on your couch and be slightly deafened by Chris Berman coming through your stereo from 5 feet across the room.
Yes, it can be a huge pain in the ass (and knees and back too), but there’s no better sense of a “Take that you sonofabitch!”-type accomplishment than being able to sit on your couch and be slightly deafened by Chris Berman coming through your stereo from 5 feet across the room.
I picked up a simple Phillips A/V input selector after getting Jake’s thumbs up of approval on Saturday; and spent an hour or two Sunday morning dismantling, unplugging, dusting and rewiring everything so that all the video and audio now run through the switcher. And most importantly; the TV, DVD, and PS2’s audio (need to check on the VCR) all run through the stereo for no better reason than I want it loud. And boy is it. It’s no home theater surround sound or anything; but my apartment isn’t that big to begin with, so an Aiwa stereo with the bass boost on is more than enough for me and whoever else comes over to go deaf.
Alright, so it’s not like I split the frickin’ atom or built my own pub room in the basement; but I feel good in knowing that I’ve got no one to blame but myself when I lose even more hearing or have my neighbors call the cops for a noise ordinance violation. Again.
D
Anybody know the Heimlich?
Wow. That’s some quality choking right there. Even Reggie Miller would like to make fun of that.
Detroit finally finished blowing the as-high-as 12 ½ game lead (May 27th) over the Twins that they’d been nursing for most of the second half of the season. And what better way to let Minnesota win the Division than by choking on the 6 run lead they had over the Royals in THE LAST GAME OF THE SEASON!!
While we’re at it, thanks for making it as excruciating as possible too. By taking the game into extra innings instead of just getting it over with during the “paid for” innings, you guys managed to raise the blood pressure and shave off 2.37 years off all us fans. Or think of it as adding 3.56 years to the life of all non-Tigers fans, because laughter is the best medicine.
I know I should be grateful for still being able to coast into the playoffs (on fumes) for the first time in 19 years. I know I should be. But I’m not.
My complimenting them for the entire season didn’t work so well. Let’s see what happens when I call them a “buncha assholes” at the start of the playoffs.
Buncha assholes.
Go Tigers.
D
Detroit finally finished blowing the as-high-as 12 ½ game lead (May 27th) over the Twins that they’d been nursing for most of the second half of the season. And what better way to let Minnesota win the Division than by choking on the 6 run lead they had over the Royals in THE LAST GAME OF THE SEASON!!
While we’re at it, thanks for making it as excruciating as possible too. By taking the game into extra innings instead of just getting it over with during the “paid for” innings, you guys managed to raise the blood pressure and shave off 2.37 years off all us fans. Or think of it as adding 3.56 years to the life of all non-Tigers fans, because laughter is the best medicine.
I know I should be grateful for still being able to coast into the playoffs (on fumes) for the first time in 19 years. I know I should be. But I’m not.
My complimenting them for the entire season didn’t work so well. Let’s see what happens when I call them a “buncha assholes” at the start of the playoffs.
Buncha assholes.
Go Tigers.
D
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Feets don’t fail me now!
(Kelley you wanna skip this one? It’s about feet.)
Yes, this is about as exciting as life has been lately. And no, that is not an attempt to incur the creative and twisted wrath of the SBDA hosts and audience. I still have the weekend coming up soon.
Went to the podiatrist yesterday because I’d finally had enough of my feet breaking down all the damned time and keeping me from running, or making me want to saw them off with a hacksaw in order to relieve myself of the near constant discomfort.
When they first started going all wonky, one swelled up and I could hardly walk at all. Later on, they were both uncomfortable to walk on let alone run on them. And now after several weeks of trying to rest them, they aren’t a whole lot better. I had initially thought that maybe it was a hairline fracture or a “march” fracture because of all the running on concrete sidewalks. Or possibly even bone spurs in weird places in both feet. But in the end, it ended up being a little more wussey than I had masochistically hoped.
I went in yesterday and got examined. Out of personal hygiene paranoia, I washed my feet, changed socks and Febreezed the shoes before I went. The nurse found that both humorous and thoughtful, and I’m sure she wished that all her patients were as paranoid as I am. Well, she probably didn’t really wish that, maybe she just wished that few of the big, nasty bastards that she sees would.
Anyways; the doctor comes in, grabs my feet, yanks my toes every wichaway, asks me if random pokes and prods hurt, decides I need x-rays, and sends me off across the hall in a retarded-looking pair of brown paper slippers. I was cool with taking the 2 and a half steps across the hall barefoot, but you know, doctor’s orders.
I get my battery of x-rays and my dose of non-gamma radiation, head back to the other room a step and a half away, and promptly fall asleep in the chair for about 10 minutes or so. No time for sweet dreams as Dr. Foot comes back in with my results.
No fractures, not foot deformities, no nothing. Well, one bone in my right foot was slightly longer than its southie counterpart; but nothing that seemed I had a mutant gene or was destined to evolve and develop some kick-ass ability to run like the Flash. Damn it.
Turns out I have some tendonitis in both feet from just overdoing it for so long. Nothing that can’t be cured with more freakin’ rest, ice, and a couple of medications. One of those meds being a glorified extra-strength Aleve (I was pissed because I have plenty of Advil at home. And you can drink with Advil.), while the other was a steroid that isn’t even cool enough or strong enough to help me when I work out and hopefully doesn’t have that shrinkage side effect. 'Roid rage might be fun though.
So I’ve got about 3 weeks before I go back and see what’s up then. If everything’s not cool or close to it by then, I’m gonna ask him what medical science’s progress is with foot replacement surgery/transplants and nanobots.
D
May the Schwartz be with you!
As we learned from the great Yogurt in Spaceballs, it’s all about “merchandising, merchandising, merchandising”. You know; first there was the movie, then the t-shirt, then the flamethrower, and so on.
Now they’re gonna be doing an animated Spaceballs TV show. So, Spaceballs: The Animated Series, I guess.
With as much as they riffed on the original Star Wars trilogy, just imagine what they’ll be able to do with the last 3 crapfests (well ok, Sith was good).
Unfortunately, the series won’t begin until next Fall and will be on G4, which means that means most of the Nerduary inhabitants won’t get to see it. I guess you guys can just probably go ahead and download it off the Interweb or something right before I'm able to see it on TV. So tell me if it's any good in about a year or so.
D
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, don’t you think we’re being a bit too literal?
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit!
Now they’re gonna be doing an animated Spaceballs TV show. So, Spaceballs: The Animated Series, I guess.
With as much as they riffed on the original Star Wars trilogy, just imagine what they’ll be able to do with the last 3 crapfests (well ok, Sith was good).
Unfortunately, the series won’t begin until next Fall and will be on G4, which means that means most of the Nerduary inhabitants won’t get to see it. I guess you guys can just probably go ahead and download it off the Interweb or something right before I'm able to see it on TV. So tell me if it's any good in about a year or so.
D
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, don’t you think we’re being a bit too literal?
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Huey Lewis & the News’ best album…
That’s right, we’re talkin’ ‘bout Sports!
Well, we’re not really talking about the album “Sports”; I just thought that was a clever title and intro. Yeah, I know; it was lame. I really just have a few news bits about recent sports.
Football:
Terrell Owens reportedly tries suicide
And then decides it’s just not for him
Owens: 'There was no suicide attempt'
------
Last Second Field Goal Sinks Eagles
Oh, no! We suck again!
------
Baseball:
Detroit clinches first playoff birth since 1987
Next up, the AL Central Division title. Hopefully. 4 is the magic number.
------
It's the end of the season, and Atlanta still sucks.
Right now, the Braves are probably trying to figure out what in the hell they’re supposed to be doing in October besides playing baseball. But I guess if they’re dead set on involving baseball, they could always watch the Mets.
------
Basketball:
No college news to speak of. So all that’s left is the crappy NBA.
Hawks' Claxton, runner-up for Sixth Man, out with broken hand
The shitttiest team in the NBA gets a little shittier.
-------
Hockey:
Ummm… “puck” rhymes with “fuck”.
-----
Those are the stories, and it’s all news to me.
D
Well, we’re not really talking about the album “Sports”; I just thought that was a clever title and intro. Yeah, I know; it was lame. I really just have a few news bits about recent sports.
Football:
Terrell Owens reportedly tries suicide
And then decides it’s just not for him
Owens: 'There was no suicide attempt'
------
Last Second Field Goal Sinks Eagles
Oh, no! We suck again!
------
Baseball:
Detroit clinches first playoff birth since 1987
Next up, the AL Central Division title. Hopefully. 4 is the magic number.
------
It's the end of the season, and Atlanta still sucks.
Right now, the Braves are probably trying to figure out what in the hell they’re supposed to be doing in October besides playing baseball. But I guess if they’re dead set on involving baseball, they could always watch the Mets.
------
Basketball:
No college news to speak of. So all that’s left is the crappy NBA.
Hawks' Claxton, runner-up for Sixth Man, out with broken hand
The shitttiest team in the NBA gets a little shittier.
-------
Hockey:
Ummm… “puck” rhymes with “fuck”.
-----
Those are the stories, and it’s all news to me.
D
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
It’s a set up!
A couple of the girls I work with are trying to set me up with someone they know that used to work here and still goes here. (I’m still trying to figure out if dating a student is merely “frowned upon” or not)
I’m really 50/50 on the whole “setting D up” thing. On one hand, it’s kinda fun to see what kind of girl people will try and set me up with. And it’s pretty much an easy “in” because I really don’t have to do much work. But on the other hand, most of the time people are gonna try and set me up with someone who’s “not my type” (or someone I would never, ever approach myself). Or I start to feel weird about it because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything by either turning down the offer or saying that I’m not interested.
So, basically I’m damned if I do; damned if I don’t. Again.
And yes, I have seen this girl that they’re trying to play matchmaker with. She’s not my type. Well, in the face.
But then again, I’m so ass backwards when it comes to dating that maybe I should invest a little more in the “setting up D” strategy. I mean, I’m the guy who occasionally socially devolves and thinks it’s a great idea to try and bust out the “Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. (you can only check yes or no, and you can’t draw a ‘Maybe’)” note with girls.
Do girls still find that cute? Or just retarded? I guess I should look into that.
D
I’m really 50/50 on the whole “setting D up” thing. On one hand, it’s kinda fun to see what kind of girl people will try and set me up with. And it’s pretty much an easy “in” because I really don’t have to do much work. But on the other hand, most of the time people are gonna try and set me up with someone who’s “not my type” (or someone I would never, ever approach myself). Or I start to feel weird about it because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything by either turning down the offer or saying that I’m not interested.
So, basically I’m damned if I do; damned if I don’t. Again.
And yes, I have seen this girl that they’re trying to play matchmaker with. She’s not my type. Well, in the face.
But then again, I’m so ass backwards when it comes to dating that maybe I should invest a little more in the “setting up D” strategy. I mean, I’m the guy who occasionally socially devolves and thinks it’s a great idea to try and bust out the “Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. (you can only check yes or no, and you can’t draw a ‘Maybe’)” note with girls.
Do girls still find that cute? Or just retarded? I guess I should look into that.
D
Friday, September 22, 2006
Penciling in the rotation (part 4)
I think this is about it. God, I hope this is about it. Even I am starting to get sick of hearing about TV. I can’t imagine how bad it must be on the poor suckers who read this shite, I mean, the valued and cherished readers of this blog.
I’ll make this quick and painless, I promise:
Thursday @ 8:00 will be filled by Smallville. Especially since this season will feature several appearances by The Green Arrow.
Thursday @ 9:00 will be manned by Grey’s Anatomy. Now that Grey’s has moved to Thursday nights, it’s filled a little gap I used to have there and also doesn’t compete with Family Guy on Sunday nights anymore. It’s a “win, win” for everybody.
See? Quick and painless. Especially since I’ve already numbed you guys down with a couple of other lengthy posts about me watching approximately 37 hours of TV a week.
What? You thought I was finished? Ha! Silly, reader. Here’s the weekend edition:
Friday- The night where shows go to die. I don’t give a damn about any of them.
Saturday- For the next few months there’s college football. That’s about it.
Sunday-
8:00- Simpsons
9:00- Family Guy
10:00- GSU Coach’s Show
10:30- Venture Brothers
There. That should just about do it. There’s a few other shows that haven’t started yet that’ll be in the Rotation, but I’m not gonna bother to write about ‘em. At least for now.
Maybe if you’re all good, I’ll share my official “TV Watching Schedule”, so that you’ll know when not to call me.
D
I gotta remember Robot Chicken in there somewhere while I'm at it...
I’ll make this quick and painless, I promise:
Thursday @ 8:00 will be filled by Smallville. Especially since this season will feature several appearances by The Green Arrow.
Thursday @ 9:00 will be manned by Grey’s Anatomy. Now that Grey’s has moved to Thursday nights, it’s filled a little gap I used to have there and also doesn’t compete with Family Guy on Sunday nights anymore. It’s a “win, win” for everybody.
See? Quick and painless. Especially since I’ve already numbed you guys down with a couple of other lengthy posts about me watching approximately 37 hours of TV a week.
What? You thought I was finished? Ha! Silly, reader. Here’s the weekend edition:
Friday- The night where shows go to die. I don’t give a damn about any of them.
Saturday- For the next few months there’s college football. That’s about it.
Sunday-
8:00- Simpsons
9:00- Family Guy
10:00- GSU Coach’s Show
10:30- Venture Brothers
There. That should just about do it. There’s a few other shows that haven’t started yet that’ll be in the Rotation, but I’m not gonna bother to write about ‘em. At least for now.
Maybe if you’re all good, I’ll share my official “TV Watching Schedule”, so that you’ll know when not to call me.
D
I gotta remember Robot Chicken in there somewhere while I'm at it...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
TV Interlude
Tired of my incessant TV talk? I thought so. So here's a little break for ya: a little, how do you say? Ah, yes...
News You Can't Use.
Man's lost gnome attends Steelers game
If Gnomey makes it to a West Virginia football game, my money’s on it being Adam.
-----
Answer to Hurricanes' woes could be simple as BVG
It’s just a matter of time before Kelley calls Miami as a reference for VanGorder.
Yeah, not a whole lot goin' on I can make fun of easliy.
D
News You Can't Use.
Man's lost gnome attends Steelers game
If Gnomey makes it to a West Virginia football game, my money’s on it being Adam.
-----
Answer to Hurricanes' woes could be simple as BVG
It’s just a matter of time before Kelley calls Miami as a reference for VanGorder.
Yeah, not a whole lot goin' on I can make fun of easliy.
D
Penciling in the rotation (part 3)
It’s a freakin’ trilogy! Then what would tomorrow make it? A quadrology? An epic? How about “The Never Ending Story”? No, wait, that’s taken. Whatever, on to the show!
Wednesday @ 8:00 is usually reserved for me reading the most important comics that I picked up that week (Hey look, if you’re bored with my TV talk, I could always switch to comics. Yeah, that’s what I thought.). But last night I gave the new series Jericho a shot.
Life in a small Kansas town after a suspected nuclear strike on a major city intrigued me. I got a small creep-factor thing while watching when they saw that Denver was the city that was hit. Then an even bigger one when they learned Atlanta was also. I started wondering about fallout, wind speed and direction, evacuation, etc… TV time just about turned into Miller Time real quick. A few calming and centered breaths later, and I was back to thinking “Billy Loomis” and “Major Dad” whenever I saw Skeet Ulrich and Gerald McRaney onscreen.
With the need to find out where else was hit, a mysterious new resident in town showing up, and at least one escaped convict on the loose; Jericho may have enough going for it to get me to postpone “comic book readin’ time” a little bit Wednesday nights.
Forewarning for tomorrow: a new Grey’s Anatomy is tonight. I probably won’t do anything major for a Part 4 tomorrow, just the statement of already having 2 slots filled. Heh heh… “2 slots filled”. I am such a child.
D
A note from “comic book readin’ time”:
Civil War #4 was absolutely “Holy Shit!”
And from 52 #19: “Skeets, you fucking bastard!”
That is all.
Wednesday @ 8:00 is usually reserved for me reading the most important comics that I picked up that week (Hey look, if you’re bored with my TV talk, I could always switch to comics. Yeah, that’s what I thought.). But last night I gave the new series Jericho a shot.
Life in a small Kansas town after a suspected nuclear strike on a major city intrigued me. I got a small creep-factor thing while watching when they saw that Denver was the city that was hit. Then an even bigger one when they learned Atlanta was also. I started wondering about fallout, wind speed and direction, evacuation, etc… TV time just about turned into Miller Time real quick. A few calming and centered breaths later, and I was back to thinking “Billy Loomis” and “Major Dad” whenever I saw Skeet Ulrich and Gerald McRaney onscreen.
With the need to find out where else was hit, a mysterious new resident in town showing up, and at least one escaped convict on the loose; Jericho may have enough going for it to get me to postpone “comic book readin’ time” a little bit Wednesday nights.
Forewarning for tomorrow: a new Grey’s Anatomy is tonight. I probably won’t do anything major for a Part 4 tomorrow, just the statement of already having 2 slots filled. Heh heh… “2 slots filled”. I am such a child.
D
A note from “comic book readin’ time”:
Civil War #4 was absolutely “Holy Shit!”
And from 52 #19: “Skeets, you fucking bastard!”
That is all.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Penciling in the rotation (part 2)
Back with another quick look at the upcoming Fall TV rotation.
For the foreseeable future, meaning until it goes on hiatus because it was a summer show, Tuesday @ 9:00 remains occupado by Eureka. This is the kind of show (along with Battlestar Galactica, Stargate: SG-1 and Stargate: Atlantis) that makes you wonder why all the shows and movies on SciFi can’t be this good. Maybe if they quit developing and making the worst movies on TV (see Boa or Python, or Boa vs Python), then they could afford to pick up other quality shows (like perhaps Firefly when it was dying?) or develop other good original series.
Tuesday @ 10:00 is tentatively filled with Smith. It’s your run of the mill crime show with the thieves as the protagonists. I wouldn’t have really even given a damn if it weren’t for the stars: Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, Jonny Lee Miller, and Amy Smart. That’s a lot of movie talent for a TV show, and all it yielded was a pretty good, but not great show. So it’ll hold down the fort until something better comes along I guess.
That Tuesday @ 8:00 slot is a bit of a wasteland right now. The only possibility is the upcoming Friday Night Lights. But for now, I’m biding my time until I see it.
So that’s Tuesday. Nothing fancy, but enough to carry me from Monday’s heavyweights to Wednesday with the Juggernaut (bitch) known as Lost. I don’t think anything new starts tonight, so you’re probably off the hook for a “rotation” post tomorrow. Unless I feel like posting my handy, dandy TV watching schedule I made.
Man, I take TV way too fucking seriously…
D
For the foreseeable future, meaning until it goes on hiatus because it was a summer show, Tuesday @ 9:00 remains occupado by Eureka. This is the kind of show (along with Battlestar Galactica, Stargate: SG-1 and Stargate: Atlantis) that makes you wonder why all the shows and movies on SciFi can’t be this good. Maybe if they quit developing and making the worst movies on TV (see Boa or Python, or Boa vs Python), then they could afford to pick up other quality shows (like perhaps Firefly when it was dying?) or develop other good original series.
Tuesday @ 10:00 is tentatively filled with Smith. It’s your run of the mill crime show with the thieves as the protagonists. I wouldn’t have really even given a damn if it weren’t for the stars: Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, Jonny Lee Miller, and Amy Smart. That’s a lot of movie talent for a TV show, and all it yielded was a pretty good, but not great show. So it’ll hold down the fort until something better comes along I guess.
That Tuesday @ 8:00 slot is a bit of a wasteland right now. The only possibility is the upcoming Friday Night Lights. But for now, I’m biding my time until I see it.
So that’s Tuesday. Nothing fancy, but enough to carry me from Monday’s heavyweights to Wednesday with the Juggernaut (bitch) known as Lost. I don’t think anything new starts tonight, so you’re probably off the hook for a “rotation” post tomorrow. Unless I feel like posting my handy, dandy TV watching schedule I made.
Man, I take TV way too fucking seriously…
D
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Penciling in the rotation (part 1)
I thought of titling this post “The return of good TV” because after watching 3 awesome shows last night, I actually thought out loud “That’s a good fucking night of TV watching, right there.” And indeed it was. 3 solid, non-reality, scripted television shows that renewed my faith in broadcast TV; and fanned the flames of my desire to see more scripted shows and far less reality garbage. Except for Who Wants to be a Superhero? That shit rules.
I saw 2 season premieres last night. Well, one season premiere and one series premiere anyways. A returning and kick-ass How I Met You Mother cemented its Monday @ 8:30 spot in the rotation, while the new Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip absolutely blew me away and grabbed the Monday @ 10:00 time slot. The third show in the middle was one of my little summer gems, Vanished. And that would lock up the Monday @ 9:00 position, if it weren’t for Heroes starting in the next couple weeks at that same time. And as much as I really like Vanished, how can it stand up to a show so obviously geared towards geeks like me? Damn, I really need to try and get TiVo. Or a life. **The Princess says I should just start dating a girl with TiVo. That would pretty much take care of both of 'em. Any takers?**
Like I said, Mother was kick-ass as usual. Continuing on from last season with the same wit, humor and emotion as last season; it had me thinking that Mother was my version of “Friends”. And not just because they hang out at a bar instead of a coffee shop. But that does help. Then there was Barney. Barney is enough to make any show better: “Chico & The Man & Barney”, “Knight Rider & Barney”, “ER & Barney” or how about something girlie like “Oprah & Barney”? See? It’s limitless.
On to Studio 60. When I say that Studio 60 “blew me away”, I mean it. Aaron Sorkin has done it again. First was Sports Night, which was far too short-lived and is still one of my favorite shows. Then came The West Wing, which admittedly I never watched, but I imagine that people interested in politics and who followed that show from the beginning, felt about it the way I felt about Sports Night. And now how I feel about Studio 60.
Yes there was humor abound, and yes the pacing and exchanges were fast and furious; but it was the way you had to think to follow the exchanges and not just sit there and absorb it a la something like Friends that really got me into it. Not to mention the backstage or “behind-the-scenes” style of the show, which immediately reminded me of working in broadcasting. It actually made me miss it again for the first time in a long while. Plus Matthew Perry’s character Matt made Chandler look like Joey. As long as he can keep this up, the show has a strong chance; especially since he is arguably the show’s biggest star.
And back to Vanished again. As I said, it’s one of my summer gems (along with Eureka and Blade: The Series) and it’s had me hooked since it started. It’s a good, little “whodunit” that takes place in Atlanta, but is curiously devoid of any southern people. I guess it really takes place in Gwinnett or something. So far there’ve been more twists, turns and second guesses than a fat chick standing in between a Jenny Craig and a Ben & Jerry’s. I’m really hoping that Fox decides to move it to a more D-friendly time slot during the week. Or that they re-air episodes so I can catch them later. I’d really hate to drop this one.
So that’s the first 2 starters in the ol’ TV rotation, and the first to probably be heading to the Disabled List. Check back tomorrow for a possible second look into what’s gonna help me create the second greatest butt-groove my couch has ever seen. Not much is gonna beat “Free Movie Weekend”.
D
I saw 2 season premieres last night. Well, one season premiere and one series premiere anyways. A returning and kick-ass How I Met You Mother cemented its Monday @ 8:30 spot in the rotation, while the new Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip absolutely blew me away and grabbed the Monday @ 10:00 time slot. The third show in the middle was one of my little summer gems, Vanished. And that would lock up the Monday @ 9:00 position, if it weren’t for Heroes starting in the next couple weeks at that same time. And as much as I really like Vanished, how can it stand up to a show so obviously geared towards geeks like me? Damn, I really need to try and get TiVo. Or a life. **The Princess says I should just start dating a girl with TiVo. That would pretty much take care of both of 'em. Any takers?**
Like I said, Mother was kick-ass as usual. Continuing on from last season with the same wit, humor and emotion as last season; it had me thinking that Mother was my version of “Friends”. And not just because they hang out at a bar instead of a coffee shop. But that does help. Then there was Barney. Barney is enough to make any show better: “Chico & The Man & Barney”, “Knight Rider & Barney”, “ER & Barney” or how about something girlie like “Oprah & Barney”? See? It’s limitless.
On to Studio 60. When I say that Studio 60 “blew me away”, I mean it. Aaron Sorkin has done it again. First was Sports Night, which was far too short-lived and is still one of my favorite shows. Then came The West Wing, which admittedly I never watched, but I imagine that people interested in politics and who followed that show from the beginning, felt about it the way I felt about Sports Night. And now how I feel about Studio 60.
Yes there was humor abound, and yes the pacing and exchanges were fast and furious; but it was the way you had to think to follow the exchanges and not just sit there and absorb it a la something like Friends that really got me into it. Not to mention the backstage or “behind-the-scenes” style of the show, which immediately reminded me of working in broadcasting. It actually made me miss it again for the first time in a long while. Plus Matthew Perry’s character Matt made Chandler look like Joey. As long as he can keep this up, the show has a strong chance; especially since he is arguably the show’s biggest star.
And back to Vanished again. As I said, it’s one of my summer gems (along with Eureka and Blade: The Series) and it’s had me hooked since it started. It’s a good, little “whodunit” that takes place in Atlanta, but is curiously devoid of any southern people. I guess it really takes place in Gwinnett or something. So far there’ve been more twists, turns and second guesses than a fat chick standing in between a Jenny Craig and a Ben & Jerry’s. I’m really hoping that Fox decides to move it to a more D-friendly time slot during the week. Or that they re-air episodes so I can catch them later. I’d really hate to drop this one.
So that’s the first 2 starters in the ol’ TV rotation, and the first to probably be heading to the Disabled List. Check back tomorrow for a possible second look into what’s gonna help me create the second greatest butt-groove my couch has ever seen. Not much is gonna beat “Free Movie Weekend”.
D
Yarr!!
It be the 19th day of the dreaded month September!
And ‘tis “Talk Like a Pirate Day” all across these treacherous 7 seas. So observe the day with yer 1 good eye and talk like a swabbie, not the landlubber that ye be, or I’ll have ta keelhaul yer scurvy-ridden hides!
Yaharr!
The Dread Pirate D
And ‘tis “Talk Like a Pirate Day” all across these treacherous 7 seas. So observe the day with yer 1 good eye and talk like a swabbie, not the landlubber that ye be, or I’ll have ta keelhaul yer scurvy-ridden hides!
Yaharr!
The Dread Pirate D
Monday, September 18, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
If at first you don’t succeed…
Get drunk and try again.
So, after last weekend’s overwhelming amount of suckitude; we’re gonna attempt another day-long tailgate and hope that the Eagles can get a freakin’ win. But as fun as the tailgating was last weekend (minus not getting to see some good friends), I’m still working on getting my act together and ironing out all the kinks in my tailgating process:
-located misplaced tailgating supplies from last weekend? Check. (Nothing in my hands, but I think I know where all that crap is)
-beer to last 5-7 hours of drinking before the game and however many hours afterward? Check (well, in a few hours anyways)
-supplies for the low-country boil? Negative (haven’t heard from Tommy yet)
-found back pack to keep all my tailgating crap from getting lost again? Check
-written note reminding myself not to streak the field again when I get really hammered? Check
So I’m still working on a few things. But I expected to be, as I won’t be a well-oiled tailgating machine until about the 3rd or 4th home game. So until then, it’s all drunken trial and error.
A note to all the faithful Screw Big, Dumb American viewers: look out for a small cameo from Japan’s #1 favorite rock musical guitar god: The Transplant. He’ll be accompanied by the future Mrs. Transplant, and hopefully they’ll help bring a little more positive mojo to the game. Because we sure as hell need all that we can get.
Go Eagles!
D
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Goin' YouTubin'
Apparently our A.S.S. is gettin' a little bigger.
Jake went and put the movie up on some little site called YouTube.
According to the stats, it looks like it's just truckin' right along.
It's got to be a matter of time before everybody's favorite drunken, idiot superhero finds out about it. God knows he loved it when they shot the damned thing. Now he's the friggin' preview image. This will end well. I'm sure of it.
D
Jake went and put the movie up on some little site called YouTube.
According to the stats, it looks like it's just truckin' right along.
It's got to be a matter of time before everybody's favorite drunken, idiot superhero finds out about it. God knows he loved it when they shot the damned thing. Now he's the friggin' preview image. This will end well. I'm sure of it.
D
Monday, September 11, 2006
Crazy, thy name is Busey.
Short, random conversations with Chris lead to short random posts that only he and I will think are funny.
-----
Main Entry: crazy
Pronunciation: 'krA-zE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): cra·zi·er; -est
1 a : full of cracks or flaws : UNSOUND b : CROOKED, ASKEW
2 a : MAD, INSANE b (1) : IMPRACTICAL (2) : ERRATIC c : being out of the ordinary : UNUSUAL
3 a : distracted with desire or excitement b : absurdly fond : INFATUATED c : passionately preoccupied : OBSESSED
4 Gary Busey
------
-----
Main Entry: crazy
Pronunciation: 'krA-zE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): cra·zi·er; -est
1 a : full of cracks or flaws : UNSOUND b : CROOKED, ASKEW
2 a : MAD, INSANE b (1) : IMPRACTICAL (2) : ERRATIC c : being out of the ordinary : UNUSUAL
3 a : distracted with desire or excitement b : absurdly fond : INFATUATED c : passionately preoccupied : OBSESSED
4 Gary Busey
------
I wanna be on "I'm With Busey 2".
D
Frustrated Incorporated
Apparently the SBDA audience has decided that the usual physical abuse just isn’t enough for them at this point, so they’ve all chosen to inflict great emotional damage to me as well. I’m half expecting that any day now, I’ll be hit and crippled by a flaming toilet seat falling from the sky. Hell, even I would laugh at that one.
At least the “semi-streaking” the field late Saturday night after the game amused me. And probably everyone else too.
D
At least the “semi-streaking” the field late Saturday night after the game amused me. And probably everyone else too.
D
Friday, September 08, 2006
Go Blue! One More Time!
The Georgia Southern Fight Song
Wave the blue, wave the white,
Hold the banners high the Eagles are on the wing.
Sound a cry to the sky as we look for glory,
Victory now we sing. Hail the blue, hail the white,
Hail the team that’s soaring upward to bring us fame.
Georgia Southern – Eagles!
Fight on to victory and win this game!
Blue and white fight, fight
Blue and white fight, fight
Georgia Southern—Eagles – fight, fight, fight!
D
Wave the blue, wave the white,
Hold the banners high the Eagles are on the wing.
Sound a cry to the sky as we look for glory,
Victory now we sing. Hail the blue, hail the white,
Hail the team that’s soaring upward to bring us fame.
Georgia Southern – Eagles!
Fight on to victory and win this game!
Blue and white fight, fight
Blue and white fight, fight
Georgia Southern—Eagles – fight, fight, fight!
D
Georgia Southern loses another of her own
“To call Erk a Georgia Southern legend is still a bit of an understatement”
Indeed. Erk Russell was the “original bald eagle” and the father of Georgia Southern football. He was the heart and soul of both the football program and, to be perfectly honest, the school as well during his tenure. Georgia Southern had no better ambassador, and probably never will. His humility, humor, heart, and commitment to “Just do right”; are what made him one of the (if not the) most respected and loved individuals the state of Georgia has ever known.
And for all of that and much, much more; Erk will be missed. But at least now he has the best seat in the house, and the best company and cigars to go along with it.
D
Thursday, September 07, 2006
More news that no one can use
Can you hear me now?
Well I guess that El Salvadorian cell reception isn’t as shitty as it is here. And I wonder if the prisoners kept the setting on “vibrate”…
---
San Diego not staying classy
This never would’ve happened to Ron Burgundy.
---
'Idol' singer Clay Aiken may serve Bush
He’s probably just biding his time until he can serve Dick. Cheney that is.
---
3 senators call for Jerry Lewis honor
Oh. That’s not what I expected. I was hoping they were gonna say the Senators want to be Jerry’s kids too. And since when is it that people other than the French love Jerry Lewis? Glaven!
I um, I got nothing.
D
Well I guess that El Salvadorian cell reception isn’t as shitty as it is here. And I wonder if the prisoners kept the setting on “vibrate”…
---
San Diego not staying classy
This never would’ve happened to Ron Burgundy.
---
'Idol' singer Clay Aiken may serve Bush
He’s probably just biding his time until he can serve Dick. Cheney that is.
---
3 senators call for Jerry Lewis honor
Oh. That’s not what I expected. I was hoping they were gonna say the Senators want to be Jerry’s kids too. And since when is it that people other than the French love Jerry Lewis? Glaven!
I um, I got nothing.
D
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
No Soliciting
Some lady brought her rugrats into the office today with her. And the diminutive Willy Lomans proceeded to drop their catalogs and order forms right on my desk (on top of the work that I was actually doing, I might add), and instruct me on how to fill out the order form. Apparently, those pushy, little precogs just knew that I was gonna order some of their shit.
And it was Christmas shit to boot! In September! These pint-size snake oil peddlers were beating out the rest of the American Economy’s “Christmas Season Frontal Assault” by a full 2 months! Trying to corner the early, early Christmas shoppers I guess. But positive thinking and cuteness-glazed intimidation tactics weren’t enough to break me. Not a sober me anyways. (All those cute girls selling t-shirts in Paulsen’s parking lot have made a killing off drunk me over the years.)
But, I did at least humor them by looking through their catalogs, raising an eyebrow every now and then to feign interest in something stupid like pear & cinnamon stick candle or some crap like a Santa shaped oven mitt (although, the Hillshire Farms Sampler just about gets me every damned time). I actually chuckled out loud once when I got to the sports collectibles section, and I saw the Georgia Southern primary logo flag that I bought yesterday. I barely managed to keep from saying “Ha! I just bought that yesterday! Not that I would’ve bought it out of here or anything, even if I hadn’t.” I mean, I didn’t want the kids to cry or anything, even though that would have made the story better. To me anyways.
So the moral of the story is… well, there really isn’t one that I can think of. Umm, I guess just don’t bring your capitalistic younglings around when I’m working. Or 3 ½ months before I start thinking about Christmas (I celebrate Festivus) or thinking about anybody else but me. Or something like that. I dunno. I should have just made them cry.
D
And it was Christmas shit to boot! In September! These pint-size snake oil peddlers were beating out the rest of the American Economy’s “Christmas Season Frontal Assault” by a full 2 months! Trying to corner the early, early Christmas shoppers I guess. But positive thinking and cuteness-glazed intimidation tactics weren’t enough to break me. Not a sober me anyways. (All those cute girls selling t-shirts in Paulsen’s parking lot have made a killing off drunk me over the years.)
But, I did at least humor them by looking through their catalogs, raising an eyebrow every now and then to feign interest in something stupid like pear & cinnamon stick candle or some crap like a Santa shaped oven mitt (although, the Hillshire Farms Sampler just about gets me every damned time). I actually chuckled out loud once when I got to the sports collectibles section, and I saw the Georgia Southern primary logo flag that I bought yesterday. I barely managed to keep from saying “Ha! I just bought that yesterday! Not that I would’ve bought it out of here or anything, even if I hadn’t.” I mean, I didn’t want the kids to cry or anything, even though that would have made the story better. To me anyways.
So the moral of the story is… well, there really isn’t one that I can think of. Umm, I guess just don’t bring your capitalistic younglings around when I’m working. Or 3 ½ months before I start thinking about Christmas (I celebrate Festivus) or thinking about anybody else but me. Or something like that. I dunno. I should have just made them cry.
D
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Help Wanted. Inquire Within.
Duties Include (but not limited to):
Making me laugh, having my back, starting/carrying on conversations, being a drinking buddy, walking/watching the Future Overlord if BDA is not around, and other duties as assigned.
Qualifications:
Must live in Statesboro, be of legal drinking age (in the continental US), have reliable transportation, be a fan of Georgia Southern, have a working knowledge of sports and all things geek/nerd, like and/or have a dog.
Preferred Qualifications:
Shorter than the Big, Dumb American; not a fan of UGA; have a large group of hot, single, female friends; willing to hook the Big, Dumb American up with said hot, single female friends; easily riled up; have a fenced in back yard.
Salary and Benefits:
No salary. Benefits include: palling around with the Big, Dumb American; participating in exciting adventures and potential “Drunken Escapades”; gaining the wisdom of a seasoned reality TV star; possible free booze and food; acquiring valuable sidekicking experience; & other nifty benefits entirely possible.
Status:
Taking applications until position filled.
Email letters of interest; cover letters; resumes; and pictures of hot, single, female friends to: screwbigdumbamerican@yahoo.com to apply.
D
The Crocodile Hunter’s Last Safari
Steve Irwin (known to all as the Crocodile Hunter) passed away this past weekend when his heart was punctured by the barb of a stingray he was swimming with.
Normally I’d try and come up with something about the crocodiles of the world lamenting the fact that it wasn’t one of their own that got him in the end… well, I guess I kinda just did.
But what I really wanted to say is that the world will be a little less bat-shit crazy and ballsy now. And that, my friends; is not a good thing.
D
Friday, September 01, 2006
Drunken Escapades: Issue Numero Quatro!
It's my birthday this weekend. And in the hopes of doing some drunkenly, awesome things that could be considered "legendary" and lead to something worthy of the "Drunken Escapades" mantle; I present to you a shoddily produced....
Drunken Escapades: Issue Numero Quatro!
(The names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent. I had a hard enough time remembering the story itself, let alone get that creative.)
Augusta, Ga. September of 2005. My last full night on the PROBE circuit. A night to go out, celebrate and say goodbye. A night for another Drunken Escapade.
It was my last full night out with the traveling college fair (meaning I stayed in a hotel, rather than going right home after the fair), which meant that all of the counselors were supposed to go out and say goodbye in an inebriated fashion. Since I had been on this circuit for a few years at this point, I had quite a few come out to join in the send-off.
I was staying at one hotel with a few other college reps (we’ll call this “Hotel A”), while another part of the group was staying at a different one (“Hotel B”, duh). This night happened to fall on the night of a Manager’s Party in Hotel A, so several people from Hotel B decided to come over and have a few drinks with us as we decided what to do after we finished all the beer that was there, I mean after the party was closed. We decided to head on over to a bar called “Stool Pigeons” not too far away from both Hotels A and B.
As we headed over to Stool Pigeons (a bunch of one-the-way-to-being drunks in a single car), we each called every other recruiters’ numbers that we had to try and help our gathering grow. An hour or two later and we had a good number of people there. Most of us drinking the night away, some just as well-wishers.
Fast forward to several, blurry hours later and it’s time to go. Trying to decide how we’re getting back to the hotel, we come up with a few options:
1. Take a cab
2. Walk
3. Catch a ride home with Aaron
So 3 of us decide to ride home with Aaron: Jesse, Neils and myself. The whole time we came up with and commenced with this plan, Aaron is saying that he’s going right back to his hotel (Hotel B) and his hotel only. He didn’t feel like driving all over Augusta after having as much to drink as he did (which was a pretty good bit). We paid not one bit of attention.
We’re half way back to the hotel (Hotel B), when Aaron stops the car on the side of the road. Neils gets out of the car and closes the door. I roll down the window and ask him if he’s gonna puke. “No. I’m going back to my hotel (this was Hotel C by the way)” “Ummm, ok. “ I manage. Aaron drives off as Jesse and I watch Neils head off toward a thick growth of bushes.
After a short ride, which Aaron claims was filled with a complete gibbersh conversation between Jesse and I and Jesse covering Aaron’s eyes while he drove; we get to the hotel. Aaron throws the car in park, we all get out, and Jesse and I at pretty much the same time look at the hote and then Aaron and asy “This isn’t our hotel!”. To which Aaron says “No shit. I told you guys I was going back to my hotel the whole time you guys were babbling incoherently.” Jesse and I shrug and follow Aaron into the lobby (still mixing gibberish and cussing loudly the whole time, according to Aaron). Up the elevator and out to whatever floor Aaron was on, and Jesse and I start arguing about something. We turn around and Aaron’s gone. And we have no idea which room he’s in.
Jesse vetoes my idea to just start knocking on doors and asking for Aaron (at whatever time in the morning it was), so we head outside to figure out what to do. After a quick pass through the lobby and a search for anything to eat at the breakfast area (not bagels or doughnuts, just apples), we hit the parking lot. Jesse calls Aaron’s cell, to no avail. I spot Aaron’s rental car and notice that the sunroof is still open. A light bulb flickers above my head and then shorts out.
“Hey Jesse, watch this!” And I climb headfirst into the car via sunroof. And for some reason, I’m shocked that the keys aren’t in there. Because I’m a drunken idiot. Jesse laughs and asks me what I’m going to do in there.
“I’m gonna try and hotwire it!” Swear to God, I said I was gonna try to hotwire it.
“Yeah, go ahead. I’m sure you’ll be able to hotwire a brand new Volvo with nothing but an apple.”
Jesse was right, no joy on the joyriding. Instead, I decide to turn the volume all the way up, the windshield wipers on, mess with the seats and anything else I can. You know, just as a little “good morning” for Aaron.
After getting out of the car via the sunroof again (instead of the freakin’ door), we realize that Gina was staying at Hotel B too. And we had her cell number. So we call. And call. Annnd call, until she finally answers the phone. There’s Jesse doing his best to try and persuade Gina to get up and take us back to our hotel (A) at God-awful in the morning, with me standing right next to him, chiming in like a mentally-challenged Cyrano de Bergerac. Somehow it worked.
Gina comes downstairs and immediately begins cussing us out for dragging her out in her PJ’s. We tell her she looks cute and we love her and blah blah blah, and we’re on our way. Time travel later, and Jesse and I are back at Hotel A. Gina drops us off, gives us the finger, and heads on back to Sleepy Town.
Jesse and I then get into a fight about whether to go to the Waffle House just up the street or Denny’s right next door. I win with the “Denny’s takes American Express” stance and we go there. After some “meat debacle” that I can’t really remember, we ask the waitress if we can still get beer. “It’s like 3 in the morning!”
“So that’s a no?” I ask.
“Guess so. “ says Jesse.
So we pay up and head back to the hotel. I take a gamble and peak into the lobby to see if maybe they had kept a few beers or wine in reserve so we wouldn’t drink it all earlier. And score! Jesse and I raid the tub like pirates and head back to our rooms.
I woke up the next morning a little surprised to see a beer on the nightstand and an empty can in the bed with me. I just chalked it up to a good night, because I wasn’t really sure what the hell happened exactly.
Jesse and I pieced it together later with everyone’s help, and now you have Drunken Escapade #4.
D
Drunken Escapades: Issue Numero Quatro!
(The names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent. I had a hard enough time remembering the story itself, let alone get that creative.)
Augusta, Ga. September of 2005. My last full night on the PROBE circuit. A night to go out, celebrate and say goodbye. A night for another Drunken Escapade.
It was my last full night out with the traveling college fair (meaning I stayed in a hotel, rather than going right home after the fair), which meant that all of the counselors were supposed to go out and say goodbye in an inebriated fashion. Since I had been on this circuit for a few years at this point, I had quite a few come out to join in the send-off.
I was staying at one hotel with a few other college reps (we’ll call this “Hotel A”), while another part of the group was staying at a different one (“Hotel B”, duh). This night happened to fall on the night of a Manager’s Party in Hotel A, so several people from Hotel B decided to come over and have a few drinks with us as we decided what to do after we finished all the beer that was there, I mean after the party was closed. We decided to head on over to a bar called “Stool Pigeons” not too far away from both Hotels A and B.
As we headed over to Stool Pigeons (a bunch of one-the-way-to-being drunks in a single car), we each called every other recruiters’ numbers that we had to try and help our gathering grow. An hour or two later and we had a good number of people there. Most of us drinking the night away, some just as well-wishers.
Fast forward to several, blurry hours later and it’s time to go. Trying to decide how we’re getting back to the hotel, we come up with a few options:
1. Take a cab
2. Walk
3. Catch a ride home with Aaron
So 3 of us decide to ride home with Aaron: Jesse, Neils and myself. The whole time we came up with and commenced with this plan, Aaron is saying that he’s going right back to his hotel (Hotel B) and his hotel only. He didn’t feel like driving all over Augusta after having as much to drink as he did (which was a pretty good bit). We paid not one bit of attention.
We’re half way back to the hotel (Hotel B), when Aaron stops the car on the side of the road. Neils gets out of the car and closes the door. I roll down the window and ask him if he’s gonna puke. “No. I’m going back to my hotel (this was Hotel C by the way)” “Ummm, ok. “ I manage. Aaron drives off as Jesse and I watch Neils head off toward a thick growth of bushes.
After a short ride, which Aaron claims was filled with a complete gibbersh conversation between Jesse and I and Jesse covering Aaron’s eyes while he drove; we get to the hotel. Aaron throws the car in park, we all get out, and Jesse and I at pretty much the same time look at the hote and then Aaron and asy “This isn’t our hotel!”. To which Aaron says “No shit. I told you guys I was going back to my hotel the whole time you guys were babbling incoherently.” Jesse and I shrug and follow Aaron into the lobby (still mixing gibberish and cussing loudly the whole time, according to Aaron). Up the elevator and out to whatever floor Aaron was on, and Jesse and I start arguing about something. We turn around and Aaron’s gone. And we have no idea which room he’s in.
Jesse vetoes my idea to just start knocking on doors and asking for Aaron (at whatever time in the morning it was), so we head outside to figure out what to do. After a quick pass through the lobby and a search for anything to eat at the breakfast area (not bagels or doughnuts, just apples), we hit the parking lot. Jesse calls Aaron’s cell, to no avail. I spot Aaron’s rental car and notice that the sunroof is still open. A light bulb flickers above my head and then shorts out.
“Hey Jesse, watch this!” And I climb headfirst into the car via sunroof. And for some reason, I’m shocked that the keys aren’t in there. Because I’m a drunken idiot. Jesse laughs and asks me what I’m going to do in there.
“I’m gonna try and hotwire it!” Swear to God, I said I was gonna try to hotwire it.
“Yeah, go ahead. I’m sure you’ll be able to hotwire a brand new Volvo with nothing but an apple.”
Jesse was right, no joy on the joyriding. Instead, I decide to turn the volume all the way up, the windshield wipers on, mess with the seats and anything else I can. You know, just as a little “good morning” for Aaron.
After getting out of the car via the sunroof again (instead of the freakin’ door), we realize that Gina was staying at Hotel B too. And we had her cell number. So we call. And call. Annnd call, until she finally answers the phone. There’s Jesse doing his best to try and persuade Gina to get up and take us back to our hotel (A) at God-awful in the morning, with me standing right next to him, chiming in like a mentally-challenged Cyrano de Bergerac. Somehow it worked.
Gina comes downstairs and immediately begins cussing us out for dragging her out in her PJ’s. We tell her she looks cute and we love her and blah blah blah, and we’re on our way. Time travel later, and Jesse and I are back at Hotel A. Gina drops us off, gives us the finger, and heads on back to Sleepy Town.
Jesse and I then get into a fight about whether to go to the Waffle House just up the street or Denny’s right next door. I win with the “Denny’s takes American Express” stance and we go there. After some “meat debacle” that I can’t really remember, we ask the waitress if we can still get beer. “It’s like 3 in the morning!”
“So that’s a no?” I ask.
“Guess so. “ says Jesse.
So we pay up and head back to the hotel. I take a gamble and peak into the lobby to see if maybe they had kept a few beers or wine in reserve so we wouldn’t drink it all earlier. And score! Jesse and I raid the tub like pirates and head back to our rooms.
I woke up the next morning a little surprised to see a beer on the nightstand and an empty can in the bed with me. I just chalked it up to a good night, because I wasn’t really sure what the hell happened exactly.
Jesse and I pieced it together later with everyone’s help, and now you have Drunken Escapade #4.
D
Thursday, August 31, 2006
You received a “C”. And for that… you die!
The crank caller is still at it. But apparently she’s just telling our switchboard operator that the school is “evil”. Umm, ok. Sure. Whatever.
But that got me to thinking about what programs we’d offer if we were an “Evil Technical College”, who and what our students would be and the campus itself. Then all that led me to thinking about a cheaply made television commercial promoting the school and its programs. And a lot of laughing.
-----
FADE IN
**cue downtrodden music**
*shots of: burger flippers, data entry people, some asskisser getting a promotion instead of a regular Joe, etc*
VO: “Tired of your dead end job? Ready for a career or lifestyle change? Do you just need the know how to advance within your current organization?”
**cue imposing, techno-style music bed to run throughout**
VO: “Then enroll now at Evil Technical College!”
*shot of outside, main entrance of ETC*
VO: “At E-T-C we have 43 evil programs of study that you can choose from. Everything from Entry Level Henching or Death Trap Engineering to Death Ray Maintenance and Repair or our new Associates degree in Reverse Psychology on Heroes.
*(on right side of screen) CHIRON: (scroll through all programs offered- highlight mentioned programs)*
*(left side of screen) shots of: instructor lectures (the one with the Deathstar diagram), henchman obstacle course, tyrant slapping the insolent student, uniform handouts, etc…*
VO: “Love animals? Then help care for all your future master or employer’s mutated “pets” with our new Mad-Vet Tech Assistant program! Love to cook? Then learn to cook gruel and slop for just a handful or for an entire army in our award-winning Cruel-inary Arts program”!
*shots of: the beast pits, handlers prodding the mutants, serving line cooks, cook chopping off an arm in the kitchen, etc…*
VO: “Don’t know what you want to do, but just know you want to freakin’ kill somebody or payback society for all its cruelties and decadence? The come on in and take our Evil Career Interest Test. We’ll help put you on the right track to being the henchman, global terrorist, or ego-maniacal super villain that you always knew you could be.”
*shots of: electroshock therapy test takers, Dr. Occult counseling a prospective student, graduation ceremonies, graduation explosions and massacre, shots of famous alumni (L-47 from Cobra, Tyrannosaurus Tex from Dr. Mutasaurus’ crew, etc.)*
VO: “So get off the couch, burn down you current place of employment, and give E-T-C a call to start your evil training today!”
*CHIRON:
Evil Technical College
Professionally training and staffing for the world’s worst since 1967.
1-800-555-EVIL (3845)
Or visit us on the web at:
http://www.eviltech.edu/
*
FADE OUT
---
Wow. That was a lot more than I thought I was gonna do about my little laugh at being an “evil” school. But once I got started, I just couldn’t stop. Oh well, it amused me at least.
D
Dr. Evil: Guest Lecturer for "How Not to be a Frickin' Idiot, Ok?"
But that got me to thinking about what programs we’d offer if we were an “Evil Technical College”, who and what our students would be and the campus itself. Then all that led me to thinking about a cheaply made television commercial promoting the school and its programs. And a lot of laughing.
-----
FADE IN
**cue downtrodden music**
*shots of: burger flippers, data entry people, some asskisser getting a promotion instead of a regular Joe, etc*
VO: “Tired of your dead end job? Ready for a career or lifestyle change? Do you just need the know how to advance within your current organization?”
**cue imposing, techno-style music bed to run throughout**
VO: “Then enroll now at Evil Technical College!”
*shot of outside, main entrance of ETC*
VO: “At E-T-C we have 43 evil programs of study that you can choose from. Everything from Entry Level Henching or Death Trap Engineering to Death Ray Maintenance and Repair or our new Associates degree in Reverse Psychology on Heroes.
*(on right side of screen) CHIRON: (scroll through all programs offered- highlight mentioned programs)*
*(left side of screen) shots of: instructor lectures (the one with the Deathstar diagram), henchman obstacle course, tyrant slapping the insolent student, uniform handouts, etc…*
VO: “Love animals? Then help care for all your future master or employer’s mutated “pets” with our new Mad-Vet Tech Assistant program! Love to cook? Then learn to cook gruel and slop for just a handful or for an entire army in our award-winning Cruel-inary Arts program”!
*shots of: the beast pits, handlers prodding the mutants, serving line cooks, cook chopping off an arm in the kitchen, etc…*
VO: “Don’t know what you want to do, but just know you want to freakin’ kill somebody or payback society for all its cruelties and decadence? The come on in and take our Evil Career Interest Test. We’ll help put you on the right track to being the henchman, global terrorist, or ego-maniacal super villain that you always knew you could be.”
*shots of: electroshock therapy test takers, Dr. Occult counseling a prospective student, graduation ceremonies, graduation explosions and massacre, shots of famous alumni (L-47 from Cobra, Tyrannosaurus Tex from Dr. Mutasaurus’ crew, etc.)*
VO: “So get off the couch, burn down you current place of employment, and give E-T-C a call to start your evil training today!”
*CHIRON:
Evil Technical College
Professionally training and staffing for the world’s worst since 1967.
1-800-555-EVIL (3845)
Or visit us on the web at:
http://www.eviltech.edu/
*
FADE OUT
---
Wow. That was a lot more than I thought I was gonna do about my little laugh at being an “evil” school. But once I got started, I just couldn’t stop. Oh well, it amused me at least.
D
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