"You know who I am?" "I've seen you before. You're the asshole on T.V." "That's funny, I was gonna say the same thing about you."

A while back a friend and I were talking about something, I'm not exactly sure what but I think it was the Truman Show, when we began to discuss what kind of shows our lives would be if they were really TV shows. Like Truman's.

The Icon figured that his was most likely The Osbournes, complete with random cameos (albeit non-celebreties- with the exception of Bruce Campbell), new seasons & re-runs (where the same thing just seems to keep hapening), "sweeps week" where all kinds of crazy shit happens to him to draw ratings, and an obscene amount of cussing. There was inevitably a cross over between our 2 shows.

Which brings me to mine.

Mine was the stuff of legend. It still comes up to this day, and I still point out things that happen to me and are a direct correlation to my show. "Screw Big, Dumb American!" was the name of my little ratings winner. It's a mix of The Running Man, the aforementioned Truman Show, and a bat shit-crazy Asian game show.

I'm pretty sure that my entire "world" is manufactured a la Truman: my friends, job, town, life, etc... are all there just to interact with me and keep me from really discovering what exactly is going on.

But somewhere there is an entire audience (maybe all over the galaxy), that partakes in throwing in new obsticles, experiences, events, people, etc... in order to try and really screw me over. And all of this is presided over by a couple of asian game show hosts who REALLY enjoy their jobs. They're a combination of Damon Killian, the host from the Running Man (Richard Dawson at his best), and Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship from Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) on Spike TV.

There are no seasons. There are no re-runs. There aren't even any real "sweeps weeks". Just a show that keeps going every hour of every day of every year. Kind of like The Price is Right or wrestling if they went 24-7.

So audience members take turns picking what to do with me (or "to me" to be more precise), and then have a howling good time watching me bumble my way through everything. There's probably even a betting window for them to place bets on what I'll do when faced with whatever wonderful concoction of shit that they throw at me. Like Vegas or the track. Speaking of Vegas, I've never been there, so it stands to reason that they may actually have that huge TV screen and betting boards and windows there for everyone to participate. I wonder what the odds are for me to get through the rest of the day without getting overly pissed off at something. I have a couple of bucks on "Not so good."

They have all kinds of usual tricks they like to pull, but they absolutely love to introduce new characters all the time. Especially ones that I like. Then they pull them off the show. "Oh! We bring in old friend Chris to make work and everything better! Just when he get comfortable and starting to have fun again...BOOM! We make Chris 'move away' and then make girlfriend dump him at same time! That will REALLY piss him off! Hahahahaha stupid, fat American."

For a while life was so crappy that I was convinced this was true. I was having a crappy day (the ratings must have been good that day) when I was sitting at a traffic light and I looked in the rear-view mirror. Who did I see? Two Asian gentlemen who were laughing hysterically and pointing right at me. I swear to God. They would laugh and look at each other and then point to me, as if they were saying "Look! It's Big, Dumb American! We should ram his car. That will REALLY piss him off!" So I was freaking out and floored it when the light turned green to put a little distance between myself and the two guys who unwittingly had a brush with their favorite TV star and accidentally became short term cast members.

So there's a not so brief overview of my life as a game show. "Screw Big, Dumb American!": ratings machine, media darling, Nielson family favorite. What'll they do to me next?

D

Vic: "Here's Craig Simmons, creator of Weightnessless Watchers".
Ken: "Yeah, for fat astronauts."
Vic: "Right you are, Ken."
Ken: "Ass-tronauts."
Vic: "Kenny?"
Ken:"Ass-tro-nauts."
Vic: "All right, Kenny, let's get back to the action."

Resistance is Futile.

I work in an office that's predominately women. Let me specify that: I work in an office that's predominately older women. So I am accustomed to hearing about the same rambling-ons that all older women talk about: grandchildren, children, pets (that's cool, I do too), gardening, facing impending death, etc... But there is a new scourge in the office:

The Red Hat Society. (Jesus, they have a website. I will spare you the linking.)

You know who I'm talking about. You've seen them. Hanging out at the mall or restaurants flashing their colors (red and purple) and signs. They look all nice and grandmotherly, but they're not. This vicious group of hags will throw down at the drop of a (red) hat. I'm not joking, kids. Mess with one and you will get the full fury of their loaded-down, over-sized pocketbooks. Not to mention suffer the humiliation of having your ass handed to you by a group of geriatric gangstas.

Aside from the fact that they are not as cute and cuddly as the look, their reach and influence is far and wide. They really are the fastest growing cult I have ever seen. Bigger, faster, and stronger than Pokemon, friendship bracelets and turning 80's TV shows into crappy movies all combined. This one may not end soon either. These motivated grandmas have the disposable income to keep it going. Magazines, conventions, discounts at national retailers/restaurants are all available to them. They're like the over-50 Borg. Or the Dark Side. Or Republicans.

But I think their website sums up this Red and Purple Menace:
"We always said the Red Hat Society would take over the world,
but it's always fun to have our grandiose claims acknowledged by the
powers that be."

Crap. Now they have the PTB involved. Those fuckers were always trying to screw with Angel.

So now I have to constantly deal with seeing and hearing all about Red Hat stuff. Why can't I just go back to hearing about grandchildren and impending death?

D

"Better Living Through D."

This may be my new slogan for the rest of the year.

If you're looking for a few quick laughs, this ought to do it for you. Completely stole this from Scott, but I think that I can get away with it this time. http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

So just plug in a word (it works best with your name or the names of your friends, pets, co-workers, etc.) and wait for the hilarity.

Let's see what could be some potential maketing juggernauts based on my household (that being me and the dog). I'll underline the plugged in word/phrase.

"It's a Beautiful Derek." hmmm. Not too sure about this one.
"If You Really Want To Know, Look In The DRS." Look where exactly?
"Stop. Go. Derek." It's official, I am now a verb.
"The D Goes Straight to your Head." I would have preferred "upside your head", but OK.
"The Brody is Mightier than the Sword." I think there's some truth to this one.
"You Can't Top a Dog." This is true.
"I'm Cuckoo For Brody." Awwwwwww.
"Tough on Dirt, Gentle on D." This is how it should be.
"Do The Derek" We have a winner!!!!!!!!

Now to use my friends. I mean insert them. I mean plug them in. You know what I mean!!

"Don't Be Vague. Ask for Icon." I think he would agree.
"Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh, What a Brennaman it is!" There's none like him.
"Don't Get Mad, Get Garner." Sounds like a movie tag line.
"Always After Me Scott." I'll let you use that one, but I expect royalties.
"The Better Way to Start the Chesty." Starting for what exactly?
"Choosy Mothers Choose Girlfriend." We'll see.

Now for random words/phrases.

"If You Want To Get Ahead, Get A Funky Cold Medina." That usually helps.
"Maybe She's Born With It, Maybe It's Statesboro." I knew this town brought out the best in women.
"Make It A Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious Night." Those are the nights that I can never remember anything from.
And finally... "Let the Poop Begin." Classic.


Man, I could go on for hours with this one. And I probably will. So have fun and remember that you can keep putting the same thing in and "sloganizing" it to get different one. Later.

D
"They're Yummy For Your D."

I got nothing.

As I sit here pulling a George Costanza (looking and acting irritated to make others think you're busy), I'm really trying to come up with something to write about.

• The fact that I'm still somewhat sick and can't get rid of whatever ebola/malaria/bird flu is contaminating my system? Nah, noone cares.
• The fact that I have to try and find someone to watch my dog when I go out of town to see the girlfriend, and that I have become totally dependent on too many people who aren't here? Swing and a miss. Strike two!
• My good find of an older Justice League of America: Secret Origins #32 (Post Crisis revision) that was coupled with a Son of Ambush Bug #2 and a Steel comic at Wal-Mart the other day? Nope, wrong blog.
• Browsing around on other peoples' blogs, you can find a whole bunch of interesting, disturbing and worthwhile crap. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!!

Let's see what on the ol' Information Super-Highway, shall we?

1. Apparently, apartment complexes feel the need to blog. Kenthill Townhomes? Yep, them too. And we all need to be informed about "A lot of moss in some places." ? I for one intend to monitor the situation and keep you updated on where that damned moss spreads.

2. How come some of the most interesting-looking blogs out there are the ones I can't read? I mean, seriously, there's a lot of cool foreign blogs out there right now and I can't make out a bit of it. At least I could count the numbers on this one.

3. Been a victim of Identity theft? Here ya go. Poor schmo must have been taken pretty bad. But, he claims to be a lawyer, so he could be the thief.

4. The best "About Me" that I've seen so far on about 537 blogs.

5. Interesting Blog Names: Jewish Whistleblower 2 - with Comments (hmmm, ok.), Pathos, Hubris & Wild Turkey (nice.), Unraveling a twisted thread (well done.)

6. Some of the best subject names came from this one.

7. Shit to get people fired up about something: here, here and this one just kind of made me nauseas.

8. Blog I was going to screw with in the Comments section because Casey goes to the University of Delaware. That's before I saw the Profile photo.

9. Ooookaaay. Maybe their mom's wouldn't drive them to the Convention until they cleaned their room.

10. Damn it! This one had a subject of "Kung Fu" and talked about something called " Old School Killaz". Sounds cool, but it figures that I can't read it.

11. This one is just a dream log. Weird shit, man. Weird shit.

12. The musings of a NY Nightclub bouncer.

13. Hell, I even found Spiderman's own personal blog!!

That's all I have for now, but I'll be sure to put more on here if I can find anything. But if you haven't taken the time to just click on "Next Blog" in the upper right hand corner, do it. You may find a new blog that you take to. Just give it a shot. You know me, I'm all about helping out others. Or some crap like that.

D

"You know a lot of people go to college for seven years." "I know, they're called doctors."

I officially suck at this. I apologize. Things would probably go a lot better if I had a computer and internet access at home. Maybe I should really look into the "Sugar Momma (or Sugar Daddy)" program.

OK, so I have been sick lately, which has been a contributing factor, and also slammed at work, as per usual. But I'm going to try and add new content again.

I am getting old. I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my very being. I fight it as much as I possibly can, which usually just leads to more reminders of how old I am.
For example: a few weeks back I was out at my friendly neighborhood bar, Dos Primos, having a few cocktails. A friend of mine comes over to the table and tells me I need to sit at his table. Thinking that I like the one I'm at, I ask "Why?" He tells me to just come over and sit. I do so and realize exactly what's going on. He's trying to set me up. ***Now, I am in the process of trying to cultivate a relationship with the now girlfriend at this point, but I found this somewhat amusing (as this never happens to me) and wanted to see where this was going*** So I begin to talk with the girl and am immediately reminded of how fucking old I truly am in the first actual question she asks: "So what year are you?" I begin to laugh and then calculate the years and semesters that have passed since I started. "My 9th year" I reply. She got a very bewildered look on her face to say the very least. So I had to inform her that I had already graduated and was working for the school before she could ask why and old man like myself was still hanging around Statesboro and think that I was some creepy letch.

So there's just one example of my constant reminders that I am indeed getting old. That and I get to add some content for you.

D