Hittin' the ricky road

Friday. I can't wait for Friday. I actually can't wait to drive 3 1/2 hours and through downtown Atlanta on a Friday. And this isn't even going to lead to me getting laid. A little spooning maybe, but no hanky panky.

I'm headed up to the capital for 2 things (listed in their order of importance):
1. To see Chris and crew
2. To go to Dragon*Con

It'll be my first foray into a wretched hive of scum and villainy that is a convention- filled to capacity with the socially retarded, B and C list stars paid to be there, hot and not so hot cosplay girls and people who generally give us geeks/nerds a bad name. And it'll all be under the careful tutelage of The Icon. I can think of no better tourguide through the sublime and the surreal. Well, I can, but I'm not really going to say that.

But enough with all the man love. This will hopefully parlay into at least one good post about the weekend, and will also lead to the culmination of another A.S.S. project. One where I can really show off all my good looks.

So if you haven't figured it out just yet, I'm stoked. It'll be my birthday, college football will be starting, there's a chance to get a James Marsters autograph, a picture with Major Victory, be pissed about Adam Baldwin canceling, and possibly the opportunity to do a hit and run on Feedback's face. What's not to be stoked about?

D

If only I could bring the super mutt with me...

Shameless or Shameful? You decide.

It's been over a week without a post, and now I come back with this? Is that shameless or shameful? Probably both. But it's content, so deal with it.

The 4th biggest birthday in anyone's life is rolling closer and closer for me even as we speak. So if anyone is wondering what The Big, Dumb American was adding to his Amazon Wish List, wonder no more.

The Official Big, Dumb American Amazonian Wish List

*Note that it's been divided into sections (on the left) for your browsing pleasure.*

I update it every now and then whenever I'm bored or think of something cool to add (kinda like here). Now scoot, you scamps. Windowshop away.

D

And away we go...

Off to my interview. Cross things for me.

D

UPDATE:
How'd it go?



That's how, thank you very much.

D

"Creepy"

That's how I was told I looked with just a mustache on Sunday.

That's pretty much how I felt too. Like I was 45 and should be making an appearance on "To Catch a Predator."

So it came off pretty quickly. Well, if you can call laughing in the mirror repeatedly and asking someone "What? You don't like it?" for 15 minutes "quick".

So no, I won't be having just a mustache again. Probably ever.

*shudder* Just got the willies thinking about that again.

D

Seasons change

Since much of my life is sectioned into “seasons” (i.e. football, basketball, Fall TV, bikini, etc), I’ve decided to add another season to the mix: moving season.

This season typically occurs during the weeks at the end of July and the beginning of August; and when weather calls for Sahara-level heat, humidity that requires a snorkel and fins, daily torrential downpours, and biblical-proportion swarms of gnats that add small amounts of protein to your daily caloric intake.

Instead of flowers blossoming or the urge to skip work and frolic at the park; usually there’s the appearance of empty or trash-filled boxes, discarded furniture, and the urge to actually go to work and avoid calls trying to enlist your help with moving.

Also arising from the constant barrage of boxes, washers and dryers, and couches that have to be moved; comes a new-found apprecitation of the Spartan lifestyle. Suddenly everything looks expendable and should be removed from your place for fear of having to move it the next time you change locations. Even the dog's stuff.

You're moving? We've got housewarming presents!

But it's moving season when you really find out who your friends are. Also, it's when you find out just how much free beer and food that they can consume after they help you move all your shit. Maybe there should be baseball-style cards for moving season that you can trade and collect with each other:

Name: Derek
Nickname: "D" or "Big, Dumb American"
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 185
Years in Moving League: "too goddamned many"
Successful Carry Average: .900
Injuries/Limitations: none
Complaint Level: 5/10 (lower if already drunk or in process)
Draws Line At: washers & driers above the first floor
Worst Error: dropping box of glasses coming down stairs in '99
Phone Number: 555-5555

Or insert more valuable data like "Easiest Pay-off", "Notable Hideouts", etc.

And of course all cards would come with pictures of the mover: carrying a box, sitting all sweaty on the couch giving the finger, the two-person dresser move, etc. But be on the look out for the ultra rare, holographic cards with someone lying prone on the ground after throwing their back out or the trip to the hospital after losing a finger. Those go for several beers on the open market.

Thankfully, moving season will be over soon and another season of "Staying Put" will cool the land. I can't wait for Staying Put season. It's the precursor to Football season.

D

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he didn't start to load shit into a truck."- Mitch Hedberg

“What’s the hardest about being you?” “Mustache.”

Right now I’m rocking a big ol’, red beard (much to the amusement, chagrin and annoyance of many a coworker). And I tell you what, it takes some real dedication to wear this facial sweater in 100+ degree weather.

Too bad it has to die.

The beard is all part of an uber-elaborate attempt to see what I look like with just a mustache. Right now I can grow just about any manner of facial follicle decoration that I desire, but sometime in the not too distant future (hopefully) I’ll only be allowed to have a ‘stache. As a part of a militaristic operation, firefighters are not allowed to have any facial hair below the corners of their mouth.

So that means no goatees, soul patches, or beards- all of which I have a tendency to grow when I get the occasional wild hair. I’ll have to go with the clean-shaven look and hope that I can get away with my usual 5 o’clock shadow when on duty too. I’m pretty sure that barring some probie hazing/initiation or maybe some Cheers-esque contest, I’m pretty sure I won’t be trying to pull off a lip caterpillar.

So tonight, I trim it down to a goatee for a few days. This Sunday… the ‘stache will live. And then probably die shortly thereafter.

Maybe the experience will be chronicled through the magic of picture-taking. Maybe.

D

More Bollocks

BBC America has gone and done it again. They’ve imported yet another good show for me to by into. And surprise surprise, it’s a sci-fi show: Jekyll.

First there was Hex, Dr. Who, Robin Hood, and Hyperdrive; now they’re following up with what the creators are calling a sequel to (not a reinvention of) the literary classic The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The two-hour premiere aired Saturday night, but due to prior commitments, it had to be taped and watched last night.

I went into it with a certain amount of trepidation and small sense of fear because I reminded myself that it’s really easy to fuck this simple premise up, but I had to give it a shot. I mean, who doesn’t love the basic and effective device of duality or good vs evil all within the same person? I submit for your consideration these items: The Incredible Hulk, werewolves, David Hasselhoff, and the McRib. I rest my case.

2 hours later and I was cursing BBC America for making me add another show to the rotation. Well, really it’s the same number, as Jekyll is just replacing Hex now that it’s all over. But still, I have to commit this one to memory so that I remember to autotune it every week so that the ol’ VCR can tape it (I have started looking into DVR again, by the way).

Ok, so it was fairly easy for them to get me, but to their credit they may have also gotten someone not as into that genre as I am. We’ll just have to see how long that sticks.

And if you’re wondering how they presented Hyde, let me just tell you that it’s way cooler than any version I’ve seen before. Gone is the hulking brute who can bound effortlessly or rip buildings apart. Now there’s a Hyde who’s not all that different from his counterpart in appearance, but has many more abilities and gifts than a normal man. And he’s a pure, grade-A badass. Let’s just say that when you kill the King of the Jungle, chuck him at some bad guys, and then start singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”; you’re not fucking around. Well, maybe a little with the singing, but that’s just some campy flair right there.

So if you’re intrigued; cue up the TiVo search, hit the torrent sites, or just keep an eye out for a re-run on BBCA. It ought to be worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to ponder my next rant on BBC America as they’re also about to start airing the Dr. Who spinoff, Torchwood, in a few weeks.

A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh...

D

The heat is on

Fucking-A it has been hot lately.

There's been a heat advisory for the past day or so, extending into today and tomorrow. I think they're saying that the heat index is somewhere around 115. That's felt about right.

I was thinking that there's something wrong with the AC in my car (which there probably is) because it just wasn't cooling me down like it should, but it could be that it's just so regoddamneddiculously hot that it has to be on full blast for a while to start working. And what with Statesboro not being the biggest city, it's only by the time you get where you're going that it finally starts to cool down.

Driving around yesterday, the thermometer said 101- steadily moving its way up to "heat stroke"; and I was beginning to hallucinate on my way to see "The Simpsons Movie" (which rocked by the way). That could have also been because I was getting hungry too, but still, it was "God is trying to burn us all" hot outside.

I almost said screw it and went and bought a couple of more tickets to see "The Bourne Ultimatum" just so I could stay inside in the AC. Which reminds me, we bought tickets for the 3:15pm Simpsons, but the theater's AC wasn't working, so we asked if we could just switch to another showing. For the life of me, I can't understand why they continued to sell tickets to that theater when the AC wasn't working. They had to know taht people were going to freak out and ask to be switched or for their money back. I don't get it.

So for all of you who are miserable in your low 90 summer weather, quit your bitching. It could be worse. I'll just try to keep that in mind when It's 32 here and, like -32 somewhere else.

D