Seasons change

Since much of my life is sectioned into “seasons” (i.e. football, basketball, Fall TV, bikini, etc), I’ve decided to add another season to the mix: moving season.

This season typically occurs during the weeks at the end of July and the beginning of August; and when weather calls for Sahara-level heat, humidity that requires a snorkel and fins, daily torrential downpours, and biblical-proportion swarms of gnats that add small amounts of protein to your daily caloric intake.

Instead of flowers blossoming or the urge to skip work and frolic at the park; usually there’s the appearance of empty or trash-filled boxes, discarded furniture, and the urge to actually go to work and avoid calls trying to enlist your help with moving.

Also arising from the constant barrage of boxes, washers and dryers, and couches that have to be moved; comes a new-found apprecitation of the Spartan lifestyle. Suddenly everything looks expendable and should be removed from your place for fear of having to move it the next time you change locations. Even the dog's stuff.

You're moving? We've got housewarming presents!

But it's moving season when you really find out who your friends are. Also, it's when you find out just how much free beer and food that they can consume after they help you move all your shit. Maybe there should be baseball-style cards for moving season that you can trade and collect with each other:

Name: Derek
Nickname: "D" or "Big, Dumb American"
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 185
Years in Moving League: "too goddamned many"
Successful Carry Average: .900
Injuries/Limitations: none
Complaint Level: 5/10 (lower if already drunk or in process)
Draws Line At: washers & driers above the first floor
Worst Error: dropping box of glasses coming down stairs in '99
Phone Number: 555-5555

Or insert more valuable data like "Easiest Pay-off", "Notable Hideouts", etc.

And of course all cards would come with pictures of the mover: carrying a box, sitting all sweaty on the couch giving the finger, the two-person dresser move, etc. But be on the look out for the ultra rare, holographic cards with someone lying prone on the ground after throwing their back out or the trip to the hospital after losing a finger. Those go for several beers on the open market.

Thankfully, moving season will be over soon and another season of "Staying Put" will cool the land. I can't wait for Staying Put season. It's the precursor to Football season.

D

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he didn't start to load shit into a truck."- Mitch Hedberg