Tales of Dickery: Me Versus the Sink

Ah, time for an all new, all different Tales of Dickery! I figure that I owe you guys what with the absence and all. But I think we're all square after this gem. And it's fresh too! Happened just last week.

Tales of Dickery: Me Versus the Sink

And now the score sits at an even Derek: 1 / Sinks of the World: 1.

Last week I was out at a work function, dressed all nice as I'm s'posed to be. A few cups of coffee and a bottle of water later, and Derek needs to visit the el bano.

Everything comes out well and it's time to wash the hands; 'cause hey, I'm all hygienic and shit. Up until now, I've never met a malicious sink before. But lay eyes upon the first:

When you push the button on the other side, a boxing glove comes out and punches you in the groin.

Normally, when you push a button or turn a knob on a sink, water flows in a downward direction allowing you to rinse your hands, lather them up with soap and then rinse them off. Normally. But not this one. This evil fixture of fuckitude shoots out it's spray like a spitting cobra, but right at your crotch instead of your eyes. Check out the carnage:

Technically, I guess I did have an accident.

Obviously I can't just stroll back out and keep plugging along, I have to rectify the situation. So now I'm forced to stand in the bathroom and further humiliate myself by blowing on my crotch and rubbing it vigorously with a paper towel like I'm cleaning up an even dirtier mess. Jeez, I can smell the bad fanfic from here.

And of course I can't possibly get away with no one seeing me in my vulnerable state. That just doesn't happen to me. So a guy strolled in and he caught me out of the corner of his eye, prompting one of those great double takes because he's not entirely sure that they saw exactly what he did. You know, 'cause he didn't expect to see someone sort of rubbing one out in the bathroom that isn't of the interstate rest stop variety.

"Don't use the sink 'cause it makes you wet! I mean, um, the sink, it sprays your crotch instead of your hands. Like this. (points to crotch) ... Um, yeah... just be careful. Yeah."

Smooth.

And despite my attempts at warning the other unsuspecting potential victims of that aquatic crotch assassin, it struck several more times. And of course it was funny. Because it's always funnier when it's not me. BUT, this is a SBDA Tale of Dickery, so it's even funnier because it is me. At least to you guys.

D