Ah, the utility belt- the male superhero’s pocketbook.
I’ve always wanted my own utility belt. And not one of those nancy-boy, handy man belts or anything, an honest to God utility belt. The kind superheroes, ninjas, and video game soldiers wear.
Just think of the functionality of it: hauling all your shit around with you in water tight casings, no bulging or bulky pockets, no jingling keys or loose pocket change, and no more threads attached to your keys so that when you pull them out it starts a hole that will eventually become a gaping chasm that wouldn’t hold your size 12 shoe.
And depending on how big your belt is, think of all the cool shizit that you could have on you at any given moment. For instance, take mine:
Cell phone
ID, debit card & cash
Chapstick
Keys
Bourbon
Gum
Cologne
Grappling hook
Smoke bombs
Beef jerky
Erotic dice
A locket of Chuck Norris’ hair
See? Perfect for my everyday life. I could be my own walking, talking, weird-ass Swiss Army knife.
Oh, I can hear you guys now: “But, D; what if someone mugs me and makes off with my new utility belt and all my stuff?” Well let me answer your slightly valid question with: “Well first of all, if you’re gonna be wearing a utility belt, you should be man/woman/shemale enough to defend yourself against all manner of attacks, be it muggers or the fashion police. I recommend a kick to the junk or a good throat punch in both situations. Second, if you’re really that concerned about some young, punk kid or your arch nemesis stealing all your capsulated goodies, you can opt for the Batman-style security package: anytime someone other than you tries to open one of the compartments, they get a really nasty shock that’ll knock ‘em out cold. Plus the handy dandy personal GPS locater will help you track the perp, and let you deliver the beat down they so rightly deserve. Is that alright with you, Miss Sissy Priss?”
Ahem. So, let’s recap shall we? The utility belt- functional AND fashionable.
I’ve always wanted my own utility belt. And not one of those nancy-boy, handy man belts or anything, an honest to God utility belt. The kind superheroes, ninjas, and video game soldiers wear.
Just think of the functionality of it: hauling all your shit around with you in water tight casings, no bulging or bulky pockets, no jingling keys or loose pocket change, and no more threads attached to your keys so that when you pull them out it starts a hole that will eventually become a gaping chasm that wouldn’t hold your size 12 shoe.
And depending on how big your belt is, think of all the cool shizit that you could have on you at any given moment. For instance, take mine:
Cell phone
ID, debit card & cash
Chapstick
Keys
Bourbon
Gum
Cologne
Grappling hook
Smoke bombs
Beef jerky
Erotic dice
A locket of Chuck Norris’ hair
See? Perfect for my everyday life. I could be my own walking, talking, weird-ass Swiss Army knife.
Oh, I can hear you guys now: “But, D; what if someone mugs me and makes off with my new utility belt and all my stuff?” Well let me answer your slightly valid question with: “Well first of all, if you’re gonna be wearing a utility belt, you should be man/woman/shemale enough to defend yourself against all manner of attacks, be it muggers or the fashion police. I recommend a kick to the junk or a good throat punch in both situations. Second, if you’re really that concerned about some young, punk kid or your arch nemesis stealing all your capsulated goodies, you can opt for the Batman-style security package: anytime someone other than you tries to open one of the compartments, they get a really nasty shock that’ll knock ‘em out cold. Plus the handy dandy personal GPS locater will help you track the perp, and let you deliver the beat down they so rightly deserve. Is that alright with you, Miss Sissy Priss?”
Ahem. So, let’s recap shall we? The utility belt- functional AND fashionable.
Well, more fashionable than a fanny pack at least.
D
Of course with everything that I’d have with me, I’d still never have a freakin’ pen.
2 comments:
SOLD!
I'm telling you, it's a great investment. Much better than that damned Flobee...
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