Drunken Escapades: Issue #4: A full 8 hours of work

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To honor tomorrow's observance of one of the sacred Holy Days, I present to you the gift of a "Drunken Escapade". Please enjoy it responsibly. And


HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY, BOYOS & LASSES.

A full 8 hours of work

Going away parties are usually fun. But they’re even more fun when it’s just 3 people taking off early from work and heading straight to the bar to have a few drinks. And it’s way, way more fun when all 3 of you put in a full work day (and a little overtime) of drinking at the bar and just get utterly annihilated.

Such was the going away party that Zeke and I had for David on his last day working with us.

Zeke and I had worked with David for almost a year but never really knew him. He was a co-worker, so he was automatically kept a tad at bay. But the weeks leading up to him quitting and the weeks after he quit made David instantly more likeable in Zeke and my eyes. Basically, he gave our boss a big ol’ “Fuck you” when she said he wasn’t doing his job to her satisfaction, and he quit. That made him a brother to us.

So on his last day, which still goes down as one of the least productive days of work I’ve ever had, David basically refused to let Zeke and I get any work done. Twist our arms, I know. And around lunch time, David basically said “Fuck it, I’m out. And you guys are coming with me.” So we did.

We three amigos went up to The Hat and had lunch and a few drinks, which ended up turning into dinner (read “more drinks”) and some more drinks (is that “more, more drinks”?).

We sat in the same booth and watched as table after blurry table sat down, ate, and left all through the day and night. In that work day I think that David consumed more rum than anyone who’s not a pirate should ever be able to, Zeke was probably the most hammered I’ve ever seen him except for at his going away party at The Hat, and I completely became Liquid Courage somewhere after my 7th or 8th big beer.

We were there long enough to have some of our student workers from the office come in for dinner and drinks, at which point David told Jacob that his girlfriend was “so hot”. Zeke and I both heartily agreed too (“So fuckin’ hot, man!”). Jacob being the coolest motherfucker we’ve ever met, just said “I know.” And later on he and his smokin’ hot girlfriend (who was also a student worker) came over and invited us to go to another bar just up the street to hang out with them for a while.

So the 3 of us decide to drive up the road to the next bar and hang out with the younglings. (PSA: Don’t drink and drive, kids. It kills. And sometimes leads to really funny stories. But mostly kills.) We get up there and we don’t spend a dime, because they bought us shots and drinks for the whole time we were up there. I vaguely remember being there, and the only clear things are playing a little Golden Tee and wanting to bitch about taking shots of SoCo and lime, but I couldn’t because they were free.

We’ve got to be pushing 10 or 11 hours of boozing at this point when either they kicked us out or we decided to take our leave. And for some reason, none of the 3 of us bothered to call for a ride. (Again, drinking and driving = bad) We all figure that we’re not as retarded as we actually were and decide to drive home. Zeke hangs a right out of the lot with the shortest distance to go. David and I take a Louie and head out in the same direction because we lived close to each other. David and I actually drive pretty well with the exception of I was concentrating really hard on him, so every time he weaved, so did I. I even made the exact same wide-ass left hand turn at a traffic light as he did right by his house. I was concentrating so hard on following David that I accidentally pulled into his complex and was about to park when I realized “Ummm… this isn’t where I live. Is it?” It wasn’t, so I had to finish the journey home solo.

I remember getting home that night and wishing that I had just parked and slept in that other parking lot, because I got a royal ass chewing from my girlfriend for driving home that freaking bombed.

I called Zeke and David the next morning to make sure that they were ok and that everybody made it home in one piece. Zeke did but had gotten a treatment similar to mine from his wife, and David just wished that I had driven over him because of how shitty he felt from his shiny, new hangover. Needless to say both of them cussed me out and hung up the phone when I asked them if they wanted to go have a beer.

D