Tales of Dickery: Wedding Crashers, SBDA Style (alcohol-free edition)

To reward you all for your patience while I've had a severe lack of both time and creativity, I present to you another issue of everyone's favorite: Tales (tales tales)... of (of of)... Dickery (ickery ickery)!!

And be sure to search "Dickery" within the blog to brush up on all that dickery goodness.

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I’ve mentioned Zeke, Lando and weddings before in previous Tales of Dickery; but this time we get an extra special treat and I combine all 3 for you.

Wedding Crashers: SBDA Style
Lando was getting married and was gracious enough to invite those of us in the office that he felt would actually come if he extended the invitation. That list included myself, Zeke, some coworkers, our boss, and our boss’ boss.

Zeke had already left the confines of the Deathstar to start work doing something a little less soul erasing in another town. So he made plans to drive up that day for the wedding and we’d just go together, since his wife couldn’t go and I didn’t even bother to try and find a date to this little shindig.

So we arrive a little early and go ahead and sign in. We’ve been in the church for all of 2 and a half minutes when Zeke starts with the shenanigans. He signs in on the guest register as “Zeke …., Esquire.” And then proceeds to sign me in a faux fashion as well.

After a groan from me, we pick up the program, and have a seat in the middle-to-back section. We’re there for about 3 minutes before Zeke lets out the first obscenity in church and proclaims “Fuck. I need a cigarette.”

We head outside, Zeke has a smoke, I have some tainted oxygen, we greet some other coworkers (and former coworkers), and then shoot the shit for a minute. We finally decide to head in and take our seats for the upcoming spectacle, but inadvertently cause one of those great situations where you come in a little late and everyone stops what they’re doing to turn and look at you as you enter. We smile some lighthearted and half-embarrased smiles, take our seats, and about a minute goes before the magical mystery tour begins.

Skip ahead a few 10 minutes or so and now the priest is well into his sermon about the joining of man and forehead, trust, cherishing and all that jazz when he gets to the pivotal portion. He’s going on and mentions something about this “inviting love” shared between Lando and the soon-to-be, Mrs. Lando Calrissian.

It’s at this point that Zeke turns to me and says... “Did he just say ‘in Viking love’?”

Now that's what I'm talking about!

How loud is a stifled laugh that mostly comes through your nose in a quiet, crowded church? Pretty fucking loud. Loud enough for just about everyone to turn and look at you in the middle of someone’s biggest day.

I wish I could say that it ended with that. But it didn’t because Zeke wouldn’t let it. I had him next to me acting out little scenes of Vikings in love and asking numerous ill begotten questions about said Vikings and their love lives. And I kept laughing. And if you’ve ever tried really hard not to laugh at something, then you know just how much funnier it gets and how hard it is to hold it in.

So I grabbed a pencil from the holder in front of me and I jabbed it into my hand. At that point, the stifled laughs were replaced by a muffled cry of pain. And I kept grinding the pencil into my hand so that I wouldn’t laugh. It kinda worked. There became a mixture of laughing at viking-love humor and wimpering as I introduced lead into my bloodstream forcefully. And a few tears, but I'm not sure if those were from the jokes or the pencil.

So there’s Zeke and I laughing and trying not to laugh; with Lando’s family, friends, co-workers, boss, boss’ boss all getting irritated with us and giving us the evil eye. Which of course made it even funnier.

Finally, Lando and Forehead say okey dokey, and Zeke and I haul ass out of the church into the parking lot to let out all the stifled laughter that had been welling up in us throughout the ceremony. After those good times, I thought it was gonna be relatively downhill from there.

But then the reception happened.

Now despite that awesome bit of segueing, I won’t realy go into the reception portion of it as I’m still furious that there was no booze whatsoever and I’m still trying to block the memory of a sober reception. If he'd like, I’ll let Zeke tell that as a special addendum (hint hint). I went on a tear about there being no booze and only some God-awful sparkling cider, and he got to go on a tirade about Australians all living on a penal colony (heh heh) and call a former boss’ husband (we’ll call him Nigel), a "fucking convict".
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I know, I know. That one kinda ended abruptly and without the huge payoff you were hoping for, kinda like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. But I ran outta steam. Sorry.

And so ends another Tale of Dickery. This time I actually got to go to someone’s wedding, and then I went and tarnished the shit out of it. Figures. Maybe that’s why I don’t get invited to more of them.

D