What if you had no control over your life?
What if it wasn't about destiny, fate, or even divine intervention?
What if every whimsical, tragic and random event to happen to you was just... someone else's entertainment?
Welcome to "Screw Big, Dumb American!"; an uber-popular Japanese game show wherein every aspect of big, dumb American Derek’s life is decided by game show hosts and an audience waiting to vote not only on the next tragedy to be visited upon Derek, but to gamble on how he'll react as well.
It's the biggest sensation to hit Japan since Fat Man and Little Boy….
It's “Screw Big, Dumb American!”
D
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The PITA Factor
Construction is a huge Pain In The Ass.
Like going back through all of your archives and re-hyperlinking all of the embedded links to the proper locations, so that everyone can still have the freedom to go back and read old posts and laugh at me.
You're welcome.
And maybe eventually, I'll get around to re-linking to anybody else that needs it.
D
Workin' Hard or Hardly Workin'?
Well, I made the jump from "Random Organization" over to "Screw Big, Dumb American!" Subsequently, SBDA! is under construction right now, so please forgive the mess. Feel free to check back often to marvel at the changes I make. Or not. It's entirely up to you.
D
Friday, May 26, 2006
Moving
It’s not just the name of a great Richard Pryor movie...
it’s also what I’ll be doing with Random Organization shortly. Probably Monday.
Never one to miss a trend, I’m stuffing this blog into a virtual U-Haul and re-locating the entire thing to another URL. It’s one that you all know and love, and one that I can’t believe I didn’t think of in the beginning:
Screw Big, Dumb American!
Initially, I was just going to create a SBDA blog that was separate from Random Organization; and was going to be set up like the blog for “Japan’s favorite #1 game show”. But it turned out to be too much damned work, and you guys know how lazy I am. Plus I have that whole Internet embargo thing going on at work too, so…
But don’t worry my Interweb friends, the content and spirit of RO will remain the same; it’s just the packaging that will be a little different. Well, probably just the title/description/template/stuff really. But just think: how appropriate will it be when something really fucked up happens to me, and I get to post it on “Screw Big, Dumb American!”?!
Hopefully this doesn’t turn out to be a New Coke-level disaster. But just in case, I think I’ll back up the RO template… You guys just remember to update your links, por favor.
Domo Arigato.
D
it’s also what I’ll be doing with Random Organization shortly. Probably Monday.
Never one to miss a trend, I’m stuffing this blog into a virtual U-Haul and re-locating the entire thing to another URL. It’s one that you all know and love, and one that I can’t believe I didn’t think of in the beginning:
Screw Big, Dumb American!
Initially, I was just going to create a SBDA blog that was separate from Random Organization; and was going to be set up like the blog for “Japan’s favorite #1 game show”. But it turned out to be too much damned work, and you guys know how lazy I am. Plus I have that whole Internet embargo thing going on at work too, so…
But don’t worry my Interweb friends, the content and spirit of RO will remain the same; it’s just the packaging that will be a little different. Well, probably just the title/description/template/stuff really. But just think: how appropriate will it be when something really fucked up happens to me, and I get to post it on “Screw Big, Dumb American!”?!
Hopefully this doesn’t turn out to be a New Coke-level disaster. But just in case, I think I’ll back up the RO template… You guys just remember to update your links, por favor.
Domo Arigato.
D
Thursday, May 25, 2006
This day in history… sort of
Because I’m bored and feeling uninspired, I’m going to rip off several people for a post. Well, I’m going to rip off several people for a post again anyways.
Went to Wikipedia. Slapped in my birthday (minus the year). Perused the oh-so fascinating incidents that occurred on that date. Culled the herd down to these most scintillating nuggets. Then added some little, known historical facts that may or may not be entirely accurate.
EVENTS:
1189- Richard I of England (a.k.a. Richard “the Lionhearted”) is crowned at Westminster.
Thus starting a proud tradition of ass kickers with the nickname “Lionheart”. Jean Claude Van Damme and Chris Jericho being the latest.
1777- Cooch’s Bridge- Skirmish of American Revolutionary war in New Castle County, Delaware where the Flag of the United States was flown in battle for the first time.
Heh heh… “Cooch”…
1783- American Revolutionary War: The war ends with the signing of the Treaty of Paris by the United States and the Kingdom of Great Britain.
George Washington gives his historical, but little known, speech: “Neener, neener, neener; all you bunch a suckas!”
1892- Nottingham Forest play their first ever football league game. It ended 2-2 against Everton FC.
Nottingham would go on to get destroyed by arch-rival Sherwood Forest the following week 27-0.
1895- The first professional American football game is played, in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, between the Latrobe YMCA and the Jeanette Athletic Club. (Latrobe won the contest 12-0).
The Latrobe team quit playing football immediately after that game and went on to found the Rolling Rock Brewery, and also become the only football team to ever go undefeated for the entire course of the franchise’s existence.
1939- World War II: France, the United Kingdom, New Zealand and Australia declare war on Germany.
The next day Britain claimed “bollocks!”; and proceeded to call France a “bunch of poofters”, New Zealand “bloody savages” and told Australia to “stay home and go shag themselves, those sodding bunch of wankers and convicts!” France cried.
BIRTHS:
1923- Mort Walker, American Cartoonist.
It was Beetle Bailey. That’s the cartoon you were trying to think of. Sarge ruled. He drank a lot of beer.
1931- Dick Motta, American basketball coach.
Coached the Weber State Wildcats, then went on to coach half the teams in the NBA. Well, 5 of ‘em anyways. Twice with the Dallas Mavericks though.
1963- Amber Lynn, American porn star.
Boobies! … Jesus, that’s just sad. I can’t even think of anything good with a porn star. Well, I can, but just not in this context. But I did manage to put “Jesus” right after “porn star” and “Boobies”. That’s gotta count for something, right?
1965- Charlie Sheen, American actor.
Hookers and drug dealers around the world rejoiced, knowing that their professions would enjoy a profitable boom in the not too distant future…
1970- George Lynch, American basketball player. Former Tar Heel and member of the 1993 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Champions. Duke sucks.
1986- Shaun white, American snowboarder and skateboarder.
“The Flying Tomato” came out of the womb clutching a Mountain Dew and crying “whoa!” instead of the more typical/non-extreme “waah!”
DEATHS:
1969- Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam president (b. 1890).
According to my research, mostly Marine Corps jogging songs, Ho Chi Minh was a son of a bitch. He also apparently had the blue balls, the crabs and the seven year itch.
1970- Vince Lombardi, American football coach (b. 1913).
Ah, the infamous “The Day Wisconsin Stood Still”. Little known fact: the following year, 237 boys in the state of Wisconsin were named “Vince”. Sadly, 67 girls were also named “Lombardi” as well…
2001- Thuy Trang, American actress (b. 1973).
What?! Trini’s dead? Power Rangers can’t die! Especially cute, Asian, yellow Power Rangers. Wait a sec… did they make her the “yellow” Ranger because she was Asian? Holy crap! Zordon was a racist bastard! Never the less, we mourn the passing of the driver of the saber-toothed tiger zord; and we offer up one, last “It’s morphin’ time!” *sniff*
2005- William Rhenquist, Chief Justice of the United states (b. 1924).
He was no Warren Burger. Mmmmm...burger....
And there you go. A completely accurate look back at some of the historical significance of September 3rd.
D
Went to Wikipedia. Slapped in my birthday (minus the year). Perused the oh-so fascinating incidents that occurred on that date. Culled the herd down to these most scintillating nuggets. Then added some little, known historical facts that may or may not be entirely accurate.
EVENTS:
1189- Richard I of England (a.k.a. Richard “the Lionhearted”) is crowned at Westminster.
Thus starting a proud tradition of ass kickers with the nickname “Lionheart”. Jean Claude Van Damme and Chris Jericho being the latest.
1777- Cooch’s Bridge- Skirmish of American Revolutionary war in New Castle County, Delaware where the Flag of the United States was flown in battle for the first time.
Heh heh… “Cooch”…
1783- American Revolutionary War: The war ends with the signing of the Treaty of Paris by the United States and the Kingdom of Great Britain.
George Washington gives his historical, but little known, speech: “Neener, neener, neener; all you bunch a suckas!”
1892- Nottingham Forest play their first ever football league game. It ended 2-2 against Everton FC.
Nottingham would go on to get destroyed by arch-rival Sherwood Forest the following week 27-0.
1895- The first professional American football game is played, in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, between the Latrobe YMCA and the Jeanette Athletic Club. (Latrobe won the contest 12-0).
The Latrobe team quit playing football immediately after that game and went on to found the Rolling Rock Brewery, and also become the only football team to ever go undefeated for the entire course of the franchise’s existence.
1939- World War II: France, the United Kingdom, New Zealand and Australia declare war on Germany.
The next day Britain claimed “bollocks!”; and proceeded to call France a “bunch of poofters”, New Zealand “bloody savages” and told Australia to “stay home and go shag themselves, those sodding bunch of wankers and convicts!” France cried.
BIRTHS:
1923- Mort Walker, American Cartoonist.
It was Beetle Bailey. That’s the cartoon you were trying to think of. Sarge ruled. He drank a lot of beer.
1931- Dick Motta, American basketball coach.
Coached the Weber State Wildcats, then went on to coach half the teams in the NBA. Well, 5 of ‘em anyways. Twice with the Dallas Mavericks though.
1963- Amber Lynn, American porn star.
Boobies! … Jesus, that’s just sad. I can’t even think of anything good with a porn star. Well, I can, but just not in this context. But I did manage to put “Jesus” right after “porn star” and “Boobies”. That’s gotta count for something, right?
1965- Charlie Sheen, American actor.
Hookers and drug dealers around the world rejoiced, knowing that their professions would enjoy a profitable boom in the not too distant future…
1970- George Lynch, American basketball player. Former Tar Heel and member of the 1993 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Champions. Duke sucks.
1986- Shaun white, American snowboarder and skateboarder.
“The Flying Tomato” came out of the womb clutching a Mountain Dew and crying “whoa!” instead of the more typical/non-extreme “waah!”
DEATHS:
1969- Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam president (b. 1890).
According to my research, mostly Marine Corps jogging songs, Ho Chi Minh was a son of a bitch. He also apparently had the blue balls, the crabs and the seven year itch.
1970- Vince Lombardi, American football coach (b. 1913).
Ah, the infamous “The Day Wisconsin Stood Still”. Little known fact: the following year, 237 boys in the state of Wisconsin were named “Vince”. Sadly, 67 girls were also named “Lombardi” as well…
2001- Thuy Trang, American actress (b. 1973).
What?! Trini’s dead? Power Rangers can’t die! Especially cute, Asian, yellow Power Rangers. Wait a sec… did they make her the “yellow” Ranger because she was Asian? Holy crap! Zordon was a racist bastard! Never the less, we mourn the passing of the driver of the saber-toothed tiger zord; and we offer up one, last “It’s morphin’ time!” *sniff*
2005- William Rhenquist, Chief Justice of the United states (b. 1924).
He was no Warren Burger. Mmmmm...burger....
And there you go. A completely accurate look back at some of the historical significance of September 3rd.
D
R.I.P., Trini.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I bet that'd been a great elephant walk...
Monday, May 22, 2006
Those 3, little words
Everyone loves hearing those three, little words. The ones that’ll shake up your life, even if just for a little while. The ones that will make you feel a little lightheaded and dizzy; or that some how, good or bad, you won’t be the same again for a long time (if ever). And for the first time in a long, long time I heard them:
“Free movie weekend.”
Thursday afternoon I got the email from Direct TV saying they were going to burden me with all the movie channels for free over the weekend. I didn’t think much of it, really. I just figured that I’d catch a few movies and continue on with my normal-type weekend. But then I went home and checked out what all was playing for 3 days and nights. And things took a turn for the worse…
When I got home from work Friday afternoon; I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to do it right. I mean, you can’t go into battle without ammunition. So I went and stocked up on what I knew I was going to need to help get me through the weekend: a shit-load of cheap beer and frozen pizzas. Yes, cheap beer and cheap frozen pizzas. Like I said: if I was gonna do it, I had to do it right. A case of Natty Light (which turned out to not be near enough really even with what I already had) and a handful of $0.79 frozen pizzas later, and I was sitting where I would spend almost all of the following two and a half days: the center cushion of the couch.
“Free movie weekend.”
Thursday afternoon I got the email from Direct TV saying they were going to burden me with all the movie channels for free over the weekend. I didn’t think much of it, really. I just figured that I’d catch a few movies and continue on with my normal-type weekend. But then I went home and checked out what all was playing for 3 days and nights. And things took a turn for the worse…
When I got home from work Friday afternoon; I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to do it right. I mean, you can’t go into battle without ammunition. So I went and stocked up on what I knew I was going to need to help get me through the weekend: a shit-load of cheap beer and frozen pizzas. Yes, cheap beer and cheap frozen pizzas. Like I said: if I was gonna do it, I had to do it right. A case of Natty Light (which turned out to not be near enough really even with what I already had) and a handful of $0.79 frozen pizzas later, and I was sitting where I would spend almost all of the following two and a half days: the center cushion of the couch.
"No beer & too much Vin Diesel make Derek something, something..."
Going into the weekend, I had prepped for a battle. But I really should have prepped for it like a super-charged, heavyweight, endurance fight: 15 rounds of about 2 hours apiece. Yeah, 15 rounds. I watched 14 full length movies, plus whatever was on as a transition to the next movie I had scheduled. Plus the Simpsons and Family Guy Sunday night. And then something else after those were over.
What’d I watch? I’m glad you asked. No, seriously I am because I actually was smart enough to write them all down as I went. And let me tell you that the handwriting is fucking excellent on some of these. I’ve also taken the liberty of adding either a mini-review or my thoughts on each movie as I was watching it or finished watching it. Let me preface this with: Keep in mind that I was drinking almost the entire time, except Day 3. So these “reviews” may only stem from like 1 scene that I can remember.So I added the links to the IMDB descriptions for your and my benefit.
Day 1:
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle-
Seen it before but I had to watch it just for Neil Patrick Harris. He has my favorite scene in the whole movie when he goes by Harold and Kumar in Harold’s car snorting coke off a stripper’s ass. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to do that again? Um, I mean…
The Girl Next Door-
I really liked it. Porn, Elisha Cuthbert, porn stars, the guy who played Mickie the psycho killer in Scream 2, Raiden, and porn? What’s not to like?
The Pacifier-
This is the note that I wrote down next to this movie (if my translation is correct): “I lost more brain cells watching this than from all the beer I’ve drank so far.” Umm… Gary the Duck was funny.
Mindhunters-
Wow. From experience I know that it’s really hard to follow a thriller/mystery when you’re wasted. Luckily this movie sucked and wasn’t all that hard to follow to begin with. Never heard of it? I’m not surprised. The main stars of the movie were: Christian Slater, Johnny Lee Miller, Val Kilmer and LL Cool J. Hold on, looking at those “stars”, this movie should have been fucking great because of the amount that it sucked. Kind of like Snakes on a Plane. I guess that it was really about as good of an LL Cool J movie as you’re gonna get though.
Emmanuel in Space-
This one’s a bit fuzzy really. But it’s an “Emmanuel” movie, so you know that it’s a quality flick. And that would be sarcasm. But I do remember that it involved some time travel, which instantly means that it’s gonna suck. Nine time out of 10, when a movie involves time travel, it will suck. It’s a proven fact. Oh yeah? The Butterfly Effect. Take that! I know what you’re thinking though, and yes Back to the Future is the exception. Or any other time traveling movie involving Michael J Fox, Christopher Lloyd, a DeLorean, or anyone that was on Caroline in the City. Oh, and I do remember that Emmanuel may be one of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever laid eyes on. Mmmm… boobies.
Day 2:
Kicking & Screaming-
Umm… The kids? Funny. Will Ferrell? Not so much. But it did have Ditka.
Kung Fu Hustle-
I’m glad I watched this one early. All subtitles. And it is my official opinion that the Chinese are fucking nuts. But absolutely brilliant. I agree with Chris in that this is pretty much what I would imagine a Dragon Ball Z live-action movie would look like. Put some spikey hair on a few guys, paint some people green and voila, you’ve got a DBZ movie.
King Arthur-
Retrograde drinking amnesia. I just remember that Keira Knightly was hot when she was all painted up and using her bow & arrow. That and I think I actually said “Mr. Fantastic” almost every time Ioan Gruffold came onscreen as Lancelot. A semi-historical movie isn’t always the best to drink through…
The Bourne Supremacy-
Still intrigued by Matt Damon (“Maaaatt… Daaammonn”) as a kick-ass super spy. Still impressed at how big of a dick Brian Cox can be in movies. The attention span seriously shortens when drinking lots of beer and makes it hard to follow a spy movie and… ooh! Look at the doggie! Gotta stop and pet the dog! Hey, a car crash in this movie… (that was the thought process near the end of the movie. I think) And Julia Styles is always hot.
Batman Begins-
Can’t pass up the opportunity to watch the consummate Batman movie. Katie Holmes still sucked. Cillian Murphy still kicked ass.
War of the Worlds-
Meh. It just kinda faltered at the end for me. Like they ran out of story or money and just decided to wrap it up because Tom Cruise’s bullshit got too much for them. I dunno, maybe I was just too drunk to get some of it; but what was with the red vines and shit? Was that alien poop? And having Morgan Freeman wrapping it up instead of playing it out in the movie itself was a cheap out. Although Joakim Noah was in the movie…
Day 3 (kill me now):
The Chronicles of Riddick-
Whoa. 2 Vin Diesel movies in one weekend. I must have been subconsciously punishing myself for something. (Right now I was really wishing that I hadn’t drank all the beer already. That, and cursing Statesboro for its stupid blue laws.) They could have just changed the title and tagline to “Vin Diesel in Space” and it would have given you both a good idea of what the movie was about and also a review at the same time. Think about it: Vin Diesel. In space. There you go. Vin Diesel in Space’s saving grace? A hot chick. Go figure. Alexa Davalos was on Angel as Gewn too, so there you go.
Stealth-
Jessica Biel. That’s all I need to say. Well, that and Jamie Foxx dying was cool. Take that, Ray!
House of Wax-
Goddamnit. I was just foaming at the mouth when this one started ready to rip it apart for how bad it was. But fucking-A, it was actually really good. And Paris Hilton out-acted just about everyone else in the damned movie. That’s not saying a whole hell of a lot, but still. It really was a good horror movie. Still wish that I had beer to help ease the pain of the day though…
And that was all I could stand. BUT, I did set the VCR to record 2 movies when I went to bed, just just so I could capitalize on my productive weekend: Hostage and something else that will be a complete surprise when I watch it later, as I’ve forgotten what it was. I’ll try and do reviews later on. But for now, I gotta go. My head hurts.
D
Friday, May 19, 2006
I hope I can get a bat mitzvah…
I’m thinking of converting from the First Church of Sony to the Pagan Temple of Microsoft.
When the PS3 launches in mid-November (supposedly), there will be two versions available to gamers: the 20 gig for $499 and the 60 gig for $599. That’s right:
Five hundred. And. Ninety-nine. Dollars.
And the slate of games they’re supposed have at launch isn’t even all that freakin’ great either. Most of the games they’re hyping are not gonna be ready until sometime in 2007. Probably late 2007. So if you’re lucky enough to have a hook-up at EB/Gamestop/Best Buy/Wal-Mart/Paulie’s van in the alley/wherever, and you manage to get your mitts on a PS3; by the time you pick a second controller, a couple of games and anything else you may need; that could be over $800.
Because of that, I’m calling “shenanigans”. That’s right, Sony. I’m pointing my finger right at you and calling “shenanigans”. You honestly want me to try and shell out $600-plus bucks for a game system that doesn’t even have any truly compelling games for me to buy when I plunk down all my hard-earned money? Alright, there’s Kill Zone. That’s one. What else you got? Grand Theft Auto 4? That’ll be on the 360 too, Tojo. What’s that? The PS3’s got a Blu Ray DVD player in it? I don’t care. Regular DVD isn’t going any where, so I think my current little Memorex DVD player will work just fine thanks. Besides, HD-DVD will outlast Blu Ray; but that’s another post.
So I’m losing my faith in Sony, and hearing “the call” from Microsoft. Why? Well in addition to the previous rant above, there’s the fact that: the X-Box 360 has all the muscle you’d expect from Microsoft, has proven itself over the past few months with gamer/reviewer raves, and now will finally have the full slate of kick-ass games that we were all promised back at the 360’s launch almost a year ago (watching a demo of Gears of War just about made me have to change my shorts). Not to mention that it’s already cheaper than the PS3 will be, AND will probably come down in price a smidge when Sony launches its Titanic. I can just see Bill Gates calling Sony a bunch of “suckas!” come November.
For now I’ll just have to be content with my soon-to-be obsolete PS2. I just won’t tell it that when I play it, I’m really thinking about playing a 360 instead…
D
And yes, I do know that a “bat” mitzvah is for 13 year old Jewish girls. That just makes it funnier. Don’t lie to yourself, it does.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
I decided this morning that if given the chance, I’d probably volunteer for nanobot research in humans.
Lately it seems like my body is just falling apart on me: getting sick, various aches and pains, foot trouble, etc… And it’s really starting to piss me off. I mean, I’m just too young to be falling apart at the seams. As far as I know; I have no neurological, muscular or skeletal diseases; and I’m a lot healthier than I was a couple of years ago. So what the hell? I guess someone is still fucking around with that damned voodoo doll.
Maybe somewhere there’s some lab that’s doing research on nano-technology and the ability of nanobots to repair human bodies from the inside. Nothing along the lines of re-writing the host’s genetic code or anything (not that I would object all that much); but just repairing bone, muscle or maybe ligament damage and the overall strengthening of the host’s body and system. To start with.
I know, it sounds a bit far fetched. But I’ve probably got just as good a chance of that happening, as me becoming a professional athlete and being looked after by a cadre of medical professionals. Seriously, those cats have an army of specialized doctors at their beck and call to examine every, little thing that goes wrong. All I have is some Vitamin C, beer, Glucosamine & Chondroitin, Web MD, and you guys.
Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? That I become some mostly robotic monstrosity that goes on a murderous rampage, or I simply get liquidated from the inside out? Huh. Ok, well maybe I’ll give cuts in line and go third or fourth…
D
Good side effect:
Bad side effect:
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Blasphemy
I love TV. Probably more than I should really. So much so that my nights are habitually planned around what time my shows come on. I don’t just mean like “Sunday night is Sopranos night” or anything, I mean I have something to watch every freakin’ night. Except Friday. There’s never anything good on Friday nights. I like to call it “the night where shows go to die.”
It’s bad enough that if I’m not home, I tape whatever is on that night. Yeah, you heard me. Not Tivo, tape. Which is even more of a pain in the arse now that I have Direct TV instead of cable. Now I can only tape what’s on the screen and not something entirely different from what I’m watching. But anyhoo…
Now that we’ve established that I may need some kind of therapy or weird, support group; I’m about to get myself struck by lightning.
"I’m kinda glad that the seasons for all my shows are over."
*holding breath*
*looking around*
Ok then. Still here.
No longer am I a slave to my nightly (except Friday) addictions. Just about everything will be re-runs, or replaced with crap while the good stuff’s on hiatus. I’ll finally be able to catch up on a lot of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t had the time because I’ve been busy trying to create the world’s best ass groove in the couch. I’ll finally get around to um, … wait, don’t tell me…. umm, I know this one… (good, God what else do I do?)…ummm… ooh! Comic books! I’ll finally be able to catch up on the reading that I’ve been passing over for months now. Kick ass! Alright, that takes care of, um, Monday. Shit.
Damn it. I guess I really don’t do anything else. And drinking doesn’t really count, ‘cause that’s a whole other problem that I’m trying to ignore right now. Maybe I should take up some cheap and easy hobby like painting or stalking. Or maybe take some Continuing Ed class like the Alcohol and Drug Awareness Program (for shits and giggles) or Basic Cake Decorating. Just something to keep me occupied for a few hours a night, either in the house or out of it.
Aw hell, I’ll probably just end up in the TV on DVD aisle in Wal-Mart picking up seasons 2 &3 of Scrubs or finally get my mitts on Sports Night: The Complete Series. Yeah, that sounds about right.
D
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
A memo from your future overlord:
Greetings,
I am the dog. Humans call me “Brody”, but you will soon bow to my true, canine name: Ragnar the Merciless, Destroyer of Worlds and Devourer of All Things. Never call me “Pooper.” Or “Smooshie.” I hate that, and you will die slowly for it. And the last thing you will ever see will be me eating your remote control. But I digress…
Beneath my furry, handsome exterior lies the heart and soul of a savage beast and future conqueror. I stand ever vigilant and always on the prowl for plastic bottles, treats, those elusive squirrels, stupid cats, and linoleum. Cross me, and be on the receiving end of my 100 lb fury. Especially, stupid cats.
My life, to both my human captor and the rest of the outside world, is a complete facade. I may appear docile, needy, eager to please, loveable, completely and utterly insane, or even lazy at times; but I assure you that is not the true me. When “The Big One” (as I call him) leaves my wretched, air conditioned and satellite television-having prison that he keeps me in; I devise plan after plan that would enable me to free my canine brethren and conquer this pitiful planet. Alas, none of these have yet to come to fruition because of a lack of:
A. an opposable thumb in which to open the door, or
B. a simple, fucking “doggy door”
Rest assured that when I can rectify either of these hindrances, I shall launch the first wave of my crusade. Stupid cats will die first.
So until that time when I, along with my brother and sister “canus superior”, am free; we shall endure future, humiliating “walkies”; be content to lick your plates and beg for scraps; restrain ourselves from humping anything and everything we want; and pretend that we cannot get enough of retrieving that stupid tennis ball that you keep throwing. However, in the meantime we shall take oh-so much evil pleasure in sticking our cold, wet noses where they do not belong; and licking you at the most inopportune of times. You have been warned.
Bow to me,
Ragnar the Merciless, Destroyer of Worlds and Devourer of All Things
P.S.
Cats are stupid.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Move over, Van Wilder...
There's a new party guru in town. His name's Sonny, and he's gonna party like it's 1959.
Ga. Governor Parties With High Schoolers
"Midway through a love ballad directed at their prom dates, the sea of high school students suddenly parted to allow Georgia's top politician to give the karaoke song his best shot. "
As much as I want to rag on Sonny and this party, this alcohol-free party, I...I just can't. It actually sounds pretty kick ass. And damn it to hell, I probably would've gone too.
D
Ga. Governor Parties With High Schoolers
"Midway through a love ballad directed at their prom dates, the sea of high school students suddenly parted to allow Georgia's top politician to give the karaoke song his best shot. "
As much as I want to rag on Sonny and this party, this alcohol-free party, I...I just can't. It actually sounds pretty kick ass. And damn it to hell, I probably would've gone too.
D
Friday, May 12, 2006
Again, why didn’t they have this when I was little?
These are some of the plates that were used at a little graduation breakfast we had this morning:
And before I continue with this post, let me first tell you that you better be thankful for these pictures because you have no idea the ridicule and laughter I had to endure as people watched me separate all these plates and then proceed to take pictures of them. Actually, most of you do know me, and have seen and laughed at me doing this kind of shit before (2 spoons anyone?), so never mind.
Any hoo. It must have taken me a good minute or so of rifling through all of the different plates to see which one I wanted to go with. One benefit of being bigger than everyone else in the office is that you can sometimes hold up the food line and no one will say anything to you until you get done. One of the drawbacks to being 1 of 2 guys in the entire office is that when you get ragged on, it’s b a whole gaggle of women. Words can hurt people.
So I eschewed the bear, the ram, the goat, the squirrel, and even the fox. And much to no one’s surprise I went with:
The monkey.
I can’t tell you how many times I heard “Oh, that’s appropriate” or “I knew you’d pick the monkey!” I guess they’ve finally started to get to know me around here…
I never got the chance to snicker at whomever was gonna be lucky enough to pick the crab plate and have me see it. And check out the moose. He looks pretty fucking shocked to be at the party.
And yes, they did give me the left over ones at the end of the breakfast to take home. Hot Pockets are gonna be a little more fun to eat now…
D
And before I continue with this post, let me first tell you that you better be thankful for these pictures because you have no idea the ridicule and laughter I had to endure as people watched me separate all these plates and then proceed to take pictures of them. Actually, most of you do know me, and have seen and laughed at me doing this kind of shit before (2 spoons anyone?), so never mind.
Any hoo. It must have taken me a good minute or so of rifling through all of the different plates to see which one I wanted to go with. One benefit of being bigger than everyone else in the office is that you can sometimes hold up the food line and no one will say anything to you until you get done. One of the drawbacks to being 1 of 2 guys in the entire office is that when you get ragged on, it’s b a whole gaggle of women. Words can hurt people.
So I eschewed the bear, the ram, the goat, the squirrel, and even the fox. And much to no one’s surprise I went with:
The monkey.
I can’t tell you how many times I heard “Oh, that’s appropriate” or “I knew you’d pick the monkey!” I guess they’ve finally started to get to know me around here…
I never got the chance to snicker at whomever was gonna be lucky enough to pick the crab plate and have me see it. And check out the moose. He looks pretty fucking shocked to be at the party.
And yes, they did give me the left over ones at the end of the breakfast to take home. Hot Pockets are gonna be a little more fun to eat now…
D
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Cue the tumbleweeds
Summer time in the ‘Boro. What a great time to live here. Not because of the high 90’s heat, the 137% humidity or the swarms of pain in the ass gnats. No, not that. It’s because of the lack of students.
With most students either taking off for a summer vacation, going home, or graduating and now looking for future employment; the population of el ‘Boro has plummeted. It’s not a ghost town or anything though, there’s still us townies and those students braving summer classes. But that’s still a lot less than what was here a couple of weeks ago.
All I know is that I seriously enjoy when the students go home for a few weeks. It gives me a little more peace and quiet around town (fewer parties in my immediate vicinity), a lot less traffic (shaving 3-5 minutes across town), and most importantly: I can go just about anywhere I want and do just about whatever I want without a huge amount of people irritating the shit outta me while I’m trying to do it (i.e. Wal-Mart or the bar).
Especially when going to the bar. With less drunks in town, I don’t always have to adhere to my usual battle plan of “early in, early drunk, early out” because there’s no one to impede my progress to get a refill of my precious big beer. And if there is, I probably know them and can use the tried and true “Yes, please” to get them to get me a refill. Southern Hospitality now replaces Southern Hostility.
But it won’t last forever. Just like the salmon of Capistrano, they always come back. And when they do, I’ll start counting the weeks until the predetermined time when they migrate home for the winter: Christmas. That’ll be their present to me: leaving. Mine to them? Nothing. I celebrate Festivus.
D
With most students either taking off for a summer vacation, going home, or graduating and now looking for future employment; the population of el ‘Boro has plummeted. It’s not a ghost town or anything though, there’s still us townies and those students braving summer classes. But that’s still a lot less than what was here a couple of weeks ago.
All I know is that I seriously enjoy when the students go home for a few weeks. It gives me a little more peace and quiet around town (fewer parties in my immediate vicinity), a lot less traffic (shaving 3-5 minutes across town), and most importantly: I can go just about anywhere I want and do just about whatever I want without a huge amount of people irritating the shit outta me while I’m trying to do it (i.e. Wal-Mart or the bar).
Especially when going to the bar. With less drunks in town, I don’t always have to adhere to my usual battle plan of “early in, early drunk, early out” because there’s no one to impede my progress to get a refill of my precious big beer. And if there is, I probably know them and can use the tried and true “Yes, please” to get them to get me a refill. Southern Hospitality now replaces Southern Hostility.
But it won’t last forever. Just like the salmon of Capistrano, they always come back. And when they do, I’ll start counting the weeks until the predetermined time when they migrate home for the winter: Christmas. That’ll be their present to me: leaving. Mine to them? Nothing. I celebrate Festivus.
D
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
And the quarterback is TOAST!
So tired.
Feet hurt.
Need beers.
At 8:00 this morning I showed up to help set up for our spring Student Appreciation Day. In khakis and my work shoes. Everyone else was in shorts and tennis shoes. Goddamnit! Those bastards didn’t even bother to tell me that I could wear shorts or at least comfortable shoes to work the thing… all freakin’ day.
And then I got asked to work flag football. That shit would have been a hell of a lot more fun if I were in, oh I don’t know, shorts and tennis shoes! But no. There I was tromping up and down the field all day long in khakis and work shoes, sweating like a whore in church and beating my poor feet like Ike did Tina.
And since this was the first year they had flag football, we had to officially establish the rules about 30 seconds before the games started. I didn’t know that they’d never done it before or have any of the actual equipment, otherwise I might have suggested we go over the rules beforehand and buy a handy-dandy whistle and paint to mark the field. But that' just me.
Speaking of "rules", I just went and wrote up the rules that we came up with; and looking at ‘em, they seem to be the “shenanigans-style” flag football. The only thing that seems to be missing is the rule that says after any completion, incompletion, touchdown, interception, pulled flag, etc; you must drink a beer. That would have at least made me forget about my feet hurting. Maybe I can work that in there for next year. Or maybe I should just look for official flag football rules. Stupid alcohol ordinances.
And the day keeps going too. Right after I post this, I have to go help serve food for the students that have night classes (can’t screw the people that work full-time). So I may end up putting in a 12 hour day or so, and it’ll feel like a good 16-18 hours. And no payback at all. Isn’t higher education great?
I am so getting drunk tonight. If I don’t pass out first.
D
Feet hurt.
Need beers.
At 8:00 this morning I showed up to help set up for our spring Student Appreciation Day. In khakis and my work shoes. Everyone else was in shorts and tennis shoes. Goddamnit! Those bastards didn’t even bother to tell me that I could wear shorts or at least comfortable shoes to work the thing… all freakin’ day.
And then I got asked to work flag football. That shit would have been a hell of a lot more fun if I were in, oh I don’t know, shorts and tennis shoes! But no. There I was tromping up and down the field all day long in khakis and work shoes, sweating like a whore in church and beating my poor feet like Ike did Tina.
And since this was the first year they had flag football, we had to officially establish the rules about 30 seconds before the games started. I didn’t know that they’d never done it before or have any of the actual equipment, otherwise I might have suggested we go over the rules beforehand and buy a handy-dandy whistle and paint to mark the field. But that' just me.
Speaking of "rules", I just went and wrote up the rules that we came up with; and looking at ‘em, they seem to be the “shenanigans-style” flag football. The only thing that seems to be missing is the rule that says after any completion, incompletion, touchdown, interception, pulled flag, etc; you must drink a beer. That would have at least made me forget about my feet hurting. Maybe I can work that in there for next year. Or maybe I should just look for official flag football rules. Stupid alcohol ordinances.
And the day keeps going too. Right after I post this, I have to go help serve food for the students that have night classes (can’t screw the people that work full-time). So I may end up putting in a 12 hour day or so, and it’ll feel like a good 16-18 hours. And no payback at all. Isn’t higher education great?
I am so getting drunk tonight. If I don’t pass out first.
D
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Dr. Rosen Rosen
I’ve recently discovered a cool little perk that comes along with my job. Over here (as compared to the last place), I have a little bit more freedom and flexibility within my work day (well, Internet embargo not withstanding). It turns out that I’m able to experience a lot of the cool shit that our students get to participate in as a part of their programs of study. So I get to get away from my desk for an undetermined period of time and possibly goof off or actually learn something useful.
As soon as I found this out, I sent an email to all our full-time faculty asking them to let me know when they were going to be doing something really cool that I could tell potential students about. And I actually got some cool stuff back right off the bat. In fact, I’ve already been to 2 things so far today.
This morning, I went to Surgical Technology’s cadaver lab. They performed a post mortem surgery and removed a guy’s appendix and something else that I didn’t pay attention to. I was too busy looking at both the insides of the “patient” and the hot adjunct instructor that was there in the lab too. So I had my hands full. I really wanted to be able to snap a few pics on my phone while I was in there, but I bet that would have ended badly for me. Again. So instead, I snuck around the corner and took this one of me looking all doctorish in some scrubs.
The last thing any baby being delivered wants to see…
This afternoon I went to watch a Phlebotomy class where the students learned to draw blood from mannequins and check each others’ blood sugar.
They even checked my blood sugar. 109 about 2 hours after eating. Not too bad. Here’s where I got pricked:
Heh.
So far I haven’t heard back from any of the other kick ass programs that may do a lot of hands-on stuff. But I did find out that I just missed out on “use of ATVs as a Wildlife Management tool”. Damn it! That would have rocked hard. Maybe next quarter…
I’ll let you know about any of the other cool shit I get to do, all in the name of “helping out students”.
Yeah, ‘cause that’s what I do.
D
As soon as I found this out, I sent an email to all our full-time faculty asking them to let me know when they were going to be doing something really cool that I could tell potential students about. And I actually got some cool stuff back right off the bat. In fact, I’ve already been to 2 things so far today.
This morning, I went to Surgical Technology’s cadaver lab. They performed a post mortem surgery and removed a guy’s appendix and something else that I didn’t pay attention to. I was too busy looking at both the insides of the “patient” and the hot adjunct instructor that was there in the lab too. So I had my hands full. I really wanted to be able to snap a few pics on my phone while I was in there, but I bet that would have ended badly for me. Again. So instead, I snuck around the corner and took this one of me looking all doctorish in some scrubs.
The last thing any baby being delivered wants to see…
This afternoon I went to watch a Phlebotomy class where the students learned to draw blood from mannequins and check each others’ blood sugar.
They even checked my blood sugar. 109 about 2 hours after eating. Not too bad. Here’s where I got pricked:
Heh.
So far I haven’t heard back from any of the other kick ass programs that may do a lot of hands-on stuff. But I did find out that I just missed out on “use of ATVs as a Wildlife Management tool”. Damn it! That would have rocked hard. Maybe next quarter…
I’ll let you know about any of the other cool shit I get to do, all in the name of “helping out students”.
Yeah, ‘cause that’s what I do.
D
Monday, May 08, 2006
Cinco (y Seis) de Mayo
Ah, Graduation.
A time honored tradition that I look forward to every spring. Not because I am a well-wisher to all of the out-going graduates, but because it’s a great freakin’ time to get absolutely hammered for several days in a row.
This year’s Commencement had an even more special quality to it: the Friday night before (already held in high regard as a good drinking night), was Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo; or as I call it, “Drinko de Mayo”, is the Mexican equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. You know, everyone’s a little bit Mexican on that day, so you should celebrate Mexican Independence or whatever the hell that day is for.
Cinco. Freakin’. De Mayo.
Anyways, back to the weekend. I have 2 prime drinking days and nights lined up. This is the type of weekend that is ranked right up there with Homecoming and Halloween for it’s boozing effectiveness. So I’m ready to get my drink on.
There’s just one problem.
Somebody was still playing with their Derek voodoo doll that had me doing the Technicolor Yawn all night Monday night. That’s right, I’m still sick.
But I tried to make a go of it anyways Friday night. I went up to The Hat and ordered a much-needed big beer and some chicken fajita nachos. Let me tell you that never, and I mean never, have I let a big beer get warm on me before. Those suckers are usually gone before the mug gets defrosted. But not this time. I worked on that bitch the whole time I was there. And it just about killed me. So I went home and figured that all I needed was a little cat nap to recuperate before I headed out to celebrate my Mexican heritage, drink a crap-load of cervezas, and curse at people in broken Spanish. Good plan, right?
I went to bed at 7:16pm. I didn’t get out of bed again until 7:30 the next morning for Graduation. Oh, people called and texted all right, but I either ignored them or told them I felt like Santa Anna had stormed my digestive tract.
Moving on to the next day. If I could salvage Saturday, the weekend would still be a moderate success.
Graduation goes off with out a hitch (I guess). People cry, people laugh, people yell “Sucka!” when someone walks across the stage. It’s a magical time.
Commencement is over and the potential for free food is put on the table. I start wondering if having BBQ is smart move when I’m having stomach problems akin to an alien baby squirming around in my gut. I say fuck it because I’ve never eaten at the place we’re gonna go. Turns out the food is free and also great (thanks, Mr. Oppy).
I’ll skip the rest of the day in order to get to the “The More You Know” section of the post:
Never eat BBQ when you are, may be, or have recently been sick. It will not end well. Will. Not.
I’ll also spare you the end of my Saturday night, as no one should ever have to experience that kind of thing; be it first, second or any kind of hand.
Sunday was fine. Felt good. Stuck to raisin bran, bananas and water the whole day. Now I’m good to go. I hope. Fucking voodoo dolls…
So that was my glorious weekend of drinking: 1 freakin’ big beer. This Cinco de Mayo has officially been renamed “Suck-o de Mayo”. So, congratulations to all you new graduates. Welcome to the real world. Now get a job, you sorry drunken bastards!
D
A time honored tradition that I look forward to every spring. Not because I am a well-wisher to all of the out-going graduates, but because it’s a great freakin’ time to get absolutely hammered for several days in a row.
This year’s Commencement had an even more special quality to it: the Friday night before (already held in high regard as a good drinking night), was Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo; or as I call it, “Drinko de Mayo”, is the Mexican equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. You know, everyone’s a little bit Mexican on that day, so you should celebrate Mexican Independence or whatever the hell that day is for.
Cinco. Freakin’. De Mayo.
Anyways, back to the weekend. I have 2 prime drinking days and nights lined up. This is the type of weekend that is ranked right up there with Homecoming and Halloween for it’s boozing effectiveness. So I’m ready to get my drink on.
There’s just one problem.
Somebody was still playing with their Derek voodoo doll that had me doing the Technicolor Yawn all night Monday night. That’s right, I’m still sick.
But I tried to make a go of it anyways Friday night. I went up to The Hat and ordered a much-needed big beer and some chicken fajita nachos. Let me tell you that never, and I mean never, have I let a big beer get warm on me before. Those suckers are usually gone before the mug gets defrosted. But not this time. I worked on that bitch the whole time I was there. And it just about killed me. So I went home and figured that all I needed was a little cat nap to recuperate before I headed out to celebrate my Mexican heritage, drink a crap-load of cervezas, and curse at people in broken Spanish. Good plan, right?
I went to bed at 7:16pm. I didn’t get out of bed again until 7:30 the next morning for Graduation. Oh, people called and texted all right, but I either ignored them or told them I felt like Santa Anna had stormed my digestive tract.
Moving on to the next day. If I could salvage Saturday, the weekend would still be a moderate success.
Graduation goes off with out a hitch (I guess). People cry, people laugh, people yell “Sucka!” when someone walks across the stage. It’s a magical time.
Commencement is over and the potential for free food is put on the table. I start wondering if having BBQ is smart move when I’m having stomach problems akin to an alien baby squirming around in my gut. I say fuck it because I’ve never eaten at the place we’re gonna go. Turns out the food is free and also great (thanks, Mr. Oppy).
I’ll skip the rest of the day in order to get to the “The More You Know” section of the post:
Never eat BBQ when you are, may be, or have recently been sick. It will not end well. Will. Not.
I’ll also spare you the end of my Saturday night, as no one should ever have to experience that kind of thing; be it first, second or any kind of hand.
Sunday was fine. Felt good. Stuck to raisin bran, bananas and water the whole day. Now I’m good to go. I hope. Fucking voodoo dolls…
So that was my glorious weekend of drinking: 1 freakin’ big beer. This Cinco de Mayo has officially been renamed “Suck-o de Mayo”. So, congratulations to all you new graduates. Welcome to the real world. Now get a job, you sorry drunken bastards!
D
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Puking Rally!
“Barf.”
“Not in here you don’t, Buster!”
“No, that’s my name: Barf.”
-John Candy, Spaceballs
Ah, vomiting: one of the body’s grosser and funnier ways to rid itself of toxins.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all laughed at it. Well, except one of my ex-girlfriends who had a serious, violent phobia of puking. I mean, I’d have to pre-screen movies we’d watch to ensure they were all hurl-free and we wouldn’t have to witness someone tossing their cookies; for fear that she’d curl up in a shuddering ball and do the Technicolor yawn herself, which would unleash another shit-storm of epic proportions…But any-hoo…
Back to yarfing. This little gem of a post comes to you courtesy of my Monday night of talking on the big, white phone. No drinking, no over-eating, no real explanation. Just a night of agony and sudden, violent weight loss. And also a new hatred of the smell of peanut butter. But I got to thinking about retching and some of the things that come along with it:
-What other bodily function can cause a person to have a religious experience and cry out “Oh, God!”? Well, ok, other than the “Big O”. In fact, ralphing has even helped to create its own form of religion by having people of various faiths converting to become “Spewish” after imbibing a bit too much of the “Blood of Christ”, Jesus Juice, or whatever. Being “Spewish” means that you pray to the porcelain god and offer up many sacrifices/tributes to it, such as: your dinner, lunch, the pizza you ate to try and sober up, corn (no idea where that always comes from), half a dozen pieces of fruit that came out of the hunch punch cooler, a quarter, and possibly a live goldfish (if you went to a frat party). Also let us not forget all the many promises/prayers to God that we’ll never drink again if he/she/it gets us though the night…
-What in the Hell has bulimics so messed up in the head that they feel the need or compulsion to spew on a regular basis? I’d rather take 30 minutes on the treadmill than erode the enamel on my teeth and get that sweaty, blowing chunks smell all over me. Although, I have always wanted to be a size 4 and beach season is coming up soon…
- What other act or thing lets you write a complete post about it and only use its official name once? The rest can be funny terms that are common vernacular now. Well, ok, there’s the erection. And sex. But still, you gotta give it up to exorcising the demons for having so many synonyms.
- As Alison pointed out: "Why is it that when you clean the bathroom, you won't touch the toilet without gloves and a hazmat suit, but then when you're sick and puking, your whole head is stuck right in there and you don't even care. And then you start looking around, and thinking 'hmmm...I really should clean this thing one of these days.'"
So that’s a few of the things that went through my mind after another exciting round of Jackson Pollock-ing. Do with it what you will…
“You thinkin’ about callin’ some dinosaurs, Billy Bob?”
“I figured I’d give ‘em a…holler.”
-Mox and Billy Bob, Varsity Blues
D
You see what I’m reduced to writing about when I don’t got no Interweb?
“Not in here you don’t, Buster!”
“No, that’s my name: Barf.”
-John Candy, Spaceballs
Ah, vomiting: one of the body’s grosser and funnier ways to rid itself of toxins.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all laughed at it. Well, except one of my ex-girlfriends who had a serious, violent phobia of puking. I mean, I’d have to pre-screen movies we’d watch to ensure they were all hurl-free and we wouldn’t have to witness someone tossing their cookies; for fear that she’d curl up in a shuddering ball and do the Technicolor yawn herself, which would unleash another shit-storm of epic proportions…But any-hoo…
Back to yarfing. This little gem of a post comes to you courtesy of my Monday night of talking on the big, white phone. No drinking, no over-eating, no real explanation. Just a night of agony and sudden, violent weight loss. And also a new hatred of the smell of peanut butter. But I got to thinking about retching and some of the things that come along with it:
-What other bodily function can cause a person to have a religious experience and cry out “Oh, God!”? Well, ok, other than the “Big O”. In fact, ralphing has even helped to create its own form of religion by having people of various faiths converting to become “Spewish” after imbibing a bit too much of the “Blood of Christ”, Jesus Juice, or whatever. Being “Spewish” means that you pray to the porcelain god and offer up many sacrifices/tributes to it, such as: your dinner, lunch, the pizza you ate to try and sober up, corn (no idea where that always comes from), half a dozen pieces of fruit that came out of the hunch punch cooler, a quarter, and possibly a live goldfish (if you went to a frat party). Also let us not forget all the many promises/prayers to God that we’ll never drink again if he/she/it gets us though the night…
-What in the Hell has bulimics so messed up in the head that they feel the need or compulsion to spew on a regular basis? I’d rather take 30 minutes on the treadmill than erode the enamel on my teeth and get that sweaty, blowing chunks smell all over me. Although, I have always wanted to be a size 4 and beach season is coming up soon…
- What other act or thing lets you write a complete post about it and only use its official name once? The rest can be funny terms that are common vernacular now. Well, ok, there’s the erection. And sex. But still, you gotta give it up to exorcising the demons for having so many synonyms.
- As Alison pointed out: "Why is it that when you clean the bathroom, you won't touch the toilet without gloves and a hazmat suit, but then when you're sick and puking, your whole head is stuck right in there and you don't even care. And then you start looking around, and thinking 'hmmm...I really should clean this thing one of these days.'"
So that’s a few of the things that went through my mind after another exciting round of Jackson Pollock-ing. Do with it what you will…
“You thinkin’ about callin’ some dinosaurs, Billy Bob?”
“I figured I’d give ‘em a…holler.”
-Mox and Billy Bob, Varsity Blues
D
You see what I’m reduced to writing about when I don’t got no Interweb?
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