Born to be mild

Ok, so I’m supposed to take a look at Ghost Rider. I’m just not sure how I want to approach this. I know for a fact that it won’t be all “reveling in the badassedness” like I did with Spider-Man 3 the other day. But I also don’t know if I want to just rip into this poor Marvel/Nicolas Cage movie…

Wait a sec, this is a Nicolas Cage movie. And a Mark Steven Johnson movie to boot. That means I am required by law to lay waste to this trailer. Oh, and for those of you unfamiliar with Mark Steven Johnson, he’s the brilliant director who graced all of us comic book fans with a perfect panel by panel translation of Daredevil to the big screen. That was sarcasm. A shit load of it. And while I’m at it: Nicolas Cage. Chris’ brother once came over to my apartment and saw that I had several Nicolas Cage DVDs in my collection and tried his best to recruit me into his newly formed “Nicolas Cage Fan Club”. Needless to say, almost all of those particular DVDs have now been sold to Blockbuster in order to thwart any other attempts to get me to be a fan of the jackass who married and divorced Elvis’ daughter, has a Ghost Rider tattoo, and just named his son Kal-El.

PLOT:
In order to save his dying father, young stunt cyclist Johnny Blaze sells his soul to Mephistopheles and sadly parts from the pure-hearted Roxanne Simpson, the love of his life. Years later, Johnny's path crosses again with Roxanne, now a reporter, and also with Mephistopheles, who offers to release Johnny's soul if Johnny becomes the fabled, fiery Ghost Rider, a supernatural agent of vengeance and justice. Mephistopheles charges Johnny with defeating the despicable Blackheart, Mephistopheles's nemesis and son, who plans to displace his father and create a new hell even more terrible than the old one.

Ok enough exposition, on to the show…


I’ve never actually read a Ghost Rider comic book before, but when I try to think of what Johnny Blaze looks like, it aint Nic Cage. So, -1 just for having Cameron Powe in the movie. (And no, I have no idea why this image is smaller than the rest. Or actually, why the others are so fucking big.)


But, Donal Logue is in the movie as his buddy. +1 for having the “naughty, vampire god” in the movie.


No one does exposition better than Sam Elliot. Watch “The Big Lebowski” if you don’t believe me. +1 for having the old bouncer that said “Please do not eat the big, white mint” in Road House. +5 if Sam says the word “dude” in the movie.


Riding up a skyscraper? -1


Eva Mendez. Meh. Even.


A demonic motorcycle racing a demonic horse? +1


Again, Nic Cage as Ghost Rider? Better than as Superman, I guess. Still though, -1.

----------

So, I guess we evened out on this one, huh? And this is just from the trailer, not the actual movie. Which I won’t even see until it hits DVD or TV. Or dinner theatre. Hell yeah, (no pun intended) dinner theatre! At least then I could throw food at Nic Cage while he’s in the middle of acting out a “penance stare”.

But my official prognosis? If you're really bored and have a couple of bucks that'll get you into a matine... sure, why the Hell not? Gotta be better than Batman and Robin.

D

Asleep at the wheel

Dreamcatcher:
“In Native American culture, a dreamcatcher is a handmade object based on a hoop (traditionally of willow), incorporating a loose net, and decorated with items unique to the particular dreamcatcher. There is a traditional belief that a dreamcatcher filters a person's dreams, trapping the bad ones and letting only the good ones through.
Dreamcatchers are an authentic Native American tradition from the Ojibwa (Chippewa) tribe. The Ojibwa would tie sinew strands in a web around a small round or tear-shaped frame (in a way roughly similar to their method for making snowshoe webbing) and hang the resulting "dream-catcher" as a charm to protect sleeping children from nightmares.”
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I don’t understand why people have dreamcatchers in their car’s rearview mirror. I mean, that’s not where they’re supposed to go. They’re supposed to go by a person’s bed… where they DREAM!

How much actual dreaming do you do when you’re tooling around town and aggravating the piss out of me on the roads? Apparently a shit-load. Hmmm… maybe that’s why you’re such a bad fucking driver: you’re asleep!

And if you say that they hang them in the car because they’re daydreaming or because their children sleep in the car; well then, you’re an asshole.

Look, all I want is for people to sit and think for a damn second and then take that stupid, white-trash car ornament off the mirror and put it where it belongs: by the bed. That’s all. For now anyways.

D

(And yes, I do realize that Blogger allowed me to put an image in this post, but has yet to allow me to make fun of Nic Cage. And yes, it does piss me off.)

Nicolas Cage is a flamer

UPDATE: Or maybe not, since Blogger is being a prick about me loading up pictures that'll make fun of the Spirit of Vengeance. I promise that the damned thing is written, but the post is just crap without the images. Well, the whole thing is probably crap even with the images; but still, I've got a pic of Eva Mendez so that it all evens out...

----



Maybe tomorrow I take a closer look at Ghost Rider, or as I'll probably start referring to it: "Meh Rider". That sucked, I know. But the movie probably will too.

D

Pictures of bad-assery

Just watched the Spider-Man 3 teaser trailer and got goosebumps. Each of the 4 times I watched it. Here's a few images I snagged of bad-assedness that you too can witness here: Spider-Man 3 (click to enlarge)








Badass, man. Bad. Ass.

D

Let's all go to the movies...

Movie news today because I have access to the Interweb (most notably Dark Horizons and IMDB) and am getting all caught up on stuff. Thought I’d fill you in while I was at it. HOWEVER, I did pull the plot summaries for the movies from IMDB, and they may contain spoilers. So if you don’t want any potential spoilers, skip them. But trust me, they're good. And also subject to change.

Spiderman 3:

NEWS:
The teaser will be up at Apple Trailers this afternoon around 2:30. Maybe we’ll get a glimpse of The Sandman in action and a first look at Venom. Sit back this afternoon and watch fan boys across the globe crash Apple’s site and quite possibly the entire Internet too.

PLOT (with spoilers):
J. Jonah Jameson Jr. returns from a mission from space with mysterious sample. This sample bonds itself to Peter Parker and gives him enhanced powers along with a new suit. Using his new found powers Peter must face the second Green Goblin, Harry Osborn after Harry discovered Spider-Man's true identity. Eventually Harry seeks help from Sandman, a new villain who was transformed due to radiation from an atomic bomb being tested.

----------

Wolverine:

NEWS:
Speculations abound as to whether Wolverine’s solo movie will be a prequel (harking back to his Weapon X days or stinit in Japan) or whether it’ll take place after the events of X3: The Last Stand (which I still haven’t seen). Personally, I vote for Weapon X.
Today I caught a little glimmer of hope for the movie from one of the co-writers of X3, Simon Kinberg (who apparently will be involved with the Wolverine movie):
“Sabretooth will be in there, but I don’t know in what form. I think his relationship with Wolverine is under explored.”

But I also gathered this little load of crap from him as well:
“Hugh has lived with Wolverine for five years and he knows this character better than anybody. He knows him better than Chris Claremont or better than Avi Arad, and certainly better than any of us working on this film.”

Bullshit. Granted, Chris Claremont’s stuff has taken a less than stellar turn over the past couple of years, but he wrote Wolverine longer than anyone else has; and if anyone knows Wolverine, it’s probably Claremont.

PLOT (with serious, but highly kick-ass, possible spoilers):
The mutant Wolverine, former member of the X-Men, is back to is homeland Canada to search more clues about is past. But soon he meets a mutant criminal named Gambit, and discovered that his foe Sabretooth is still alive and now he leads a group of evil mutant who wants to use the power of the legendary monster Wendigo to rule the world. Meanwhile, Wolverine meets again his former love, but now her big brother and his yakuza wants to kill her. Wolverine and Gambit most save her with the help of... Sabretooth?


Speculation at it's best. Nothing's confirmed though. Well, except Sabretooth and a mystery character being in it...

-------

Snakes on a Plane:

NEWS:
The phenomenon finally has a real trailer:
http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/snakesonaplaneqt.html

PLOT:
On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes.

----------

Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

NEWS:
Possibly subtitled “At World’s End”, it will indeed have Keith Richards in it, possibly as Cpt. Jack Sparrow’s father. Johnny Depp has been lobbying to have Richards in it for a while now, and has even said that he based Cpt. Jack’s swagger, demeanor, etc. on Richards. (insert your own falling out of a tree joke here)

PLOT (with spoilers):
The age of piracy is coming to a close, but not before one final dispute is settled. Will Turner sails to the Far East to find magical charts which will help him to find Davy Jones's locker and save his friend Jack Sparrow. Jack is rescued but... Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander), demonic Asian pirate Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat), and commodore James Norrington (Jack Davenport) have formed a wicked alliance that threatens the freedom of Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, their new ally captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and all pirates in the world. Emerging victorious requires that Jack lead his crew off the edge of the map and into the uncharted territory on the seven seas. To the Shipwreck island on the end of the world.

--------

Watchmen:

NEWS:
Zach Snyder ("Dawn of the Dead", "300") has come aboard to develop and direct Warner Bros. long-gestating film adaptation of the 1986 twelve-issue comic series "Watchmen" by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons says The Hollywood Reporter. Alex Tse is writing the script adaptation of the film which has been in development for over a decade, gone through at least four studios and had such luminaries as Terry Gilliam, Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass attached to direct. Snyder landed the job after impressing Warners with "300," an adaptation of a Frank Miller graphic novel that he directed and co-wrote that's due out next year.

PLOT:
Watchmen is a story set in an alternative 1985, where the world is ticking closer to the brink of nuclear war, and a plot to eliminate a band of ex-crimefighters is instigated, but why? and by whom? It is up to two of those ex-crimefighters to investigate the plot that seems to go beyond the unthinkable.

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That’s enough for today, class. If I run across anything else worth a damn, I’ll pass it along.

D

Gone but not forgotten…

While trying to come up with something to write, I decided to peruse the photos I had saved on the ‘puter for later use as inspiration. I ran across this one from when I was switching over to Screw Big, Dumb American from Random Organization. Just a nice, little reminder of what used to be. Click it to enlarge.

I also found a little something that was supposed to be used for the “Screw Big, Dumb American!: The TV Show Blog!” (which was supposed to be written by one of the show’s writers, Taka Michinoku) One of the sections or blocks of the show’s blog was going to be dedicated to fan mail. Wait, that should really be “fan mail”, in quotation marks, as most of it was going to be fake (at least until I could get real mail submitted to the blog). I even have an email account set up for SBDA, which will remain anonymous for the time being until I can find a good use for it. But this little gem was to be the first of many declaring its love for the show and also offering up suggestions on ways to screw over the big, dumb American. Or, to quite possibly beg for mercy on my behalf. But probably mostly just screwing me.

Dear SBDA,

I am biggest fan number in world!! Big Dumb American so stupid laughing hard is fun to do at him!! I like it when bad horrible crazy things go to him hard!! It funny to watch silly Big Mac love affair crash and burn with flat tire!! Give him oatmeal bath!!

- Yumi Takakami



And that’s all I’ve got for ya on a Friday afternoon. A little stroll down Fuzzy Memory Lane. That’s gotta count for something, right?

D

No whammies, no whammies... stop!

There's a weird balance in baseball for me right now. My 2 favorite teams are at polar ends of the standings. And it's not the usual teams that are at the top and the bottom of their respective divisions.

The "hometown favorite" Atlanta Braves are sucking ass and are in last place in the NL East (14 1/2 games back of the Mets)...

while my beloved perennial losers, the Detroit Tigers, sit atop the AL Central (2 games ahead of the 2nd place White Sox).

It's great to be able to watch a Tigers' game and see them get a win, instead of loss after loss, after loss...after loss....et al. But it's frustrating to see the Braves taking it on the chin over and over (as of now they've lost 18 of the last 21).

But after 14 years of the Braves winning the NL East, I'll sacrifice a year or two in the hopes that I might see Detroit win their division and God, Buddha, Allah, Moses, and all the Super Buddies willing; win the ALCS.

I just hope I haven't screwed myself and every other Detroit fan over by posting this and throwing out some bad juju. I probably have...

D

Be Prepared!

For some reason I’ve started considering putting together an Emergency Supply Kit. And I’m really not sure why. True, hurricane season is upon us, but I’ve been through enough hurricane seasons without one to know that I’ll probably be okay without one. Hopefully.

On a whim though, I went and looked up what all FEMA would like you to have in your official FEMA Emergency Preparedness Ready-to-go Handy Dandy Supply Type Kit. Take a second to look at what all goes into that bad boy. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Done? Good.

Jesus! That’s not an Emergency Supply Kit, that’s an "Apocalyptic Readiness Bunker Supply". Seriously, I think that’s what all the basements in Sunnydale are equipped with. The only things they left out were the gas masks and weapons (although some southerners and recluses in the Midwest already have that covered).

Anyhoo, I was going to try and come up with my own “Whaddaya Mean There’s an Emergency Goin’ On?” Supply Kit, but failed miserably. I mean it, it sucked. Seriously, I worked on the damned thing a couple of times and barely came up with anything more than: beer, water, chili, The Essential Wolverine, a military-grade Gerber, a key to Liz’s place in case I need more beer or to plunder, Purell, duct tape, post it notes, and the dog. Huh. That’s actually not that bad a kit…

A couple of times I had fun imagining a scenario where I had 5 minutes to get what I needed from the apartment and get out. It was like a cross between Supermarket Showdown and one of those old school Toys R Us shopping sprees. Basically, it was me running around the apartment throwing anything and everything into a either a big, plastic container or a duffle bag. But I’d make it damn it. With time to spare and only leaving the dog behind once.

Other times my little kit had more shit in it than George Lucas’ panic room and would really put FEMA’s little brown bag lunch to shame. But those were way too expensive.

Ultimately, I just decided to say “fuck it” and not bother with it at all. Although, I know that this will eat at me until I actually do get around to gathering a few things up or at least making a short list of things I must have in one location. But more than likely, it’ll end up being the Supermarket Showdown scenario; which will thrill the SBDA audience. (“Oh! Rook at him go! He rike big, dumb tornado messing up house that he arways keep crean! Oooh! He trip over dog! So stupid!”)


D


Maybe I'll just get Brody to start wearing a canister of bourbon around his neck just in case...

Cult of Personality

This thought didn’t exactly keep me awake last night, but:

If people are claiming that despite a very large following, even before the movie’s release, that Snakes on a Plane is going to be a “cult film”; does that mean that people will shy away from it in theaters? Will people who desperately want it to be a cult film refrain from seeing it on the big screen on purpose, in order to help it along to cult status? Will those who were wary of it in the first place stay away because of it already being tainted with a potential “cult” status? Or will millions will fork over their hard-earned money to see Samuel L. Jackson fight off a bunch of motherfuckin’ snakes on a motherfuckin’ plane?

I dunno. I actually think that Snakes on a Plane could be the sleeper hit of the summer and outgross some of the more expensive and over-hyped movies from the summer season.

But that’s just me.

D

In with the good, out with the bad.

I hate most forwarded emails as you well know. To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, "I hate when people send me forwarded emails. It's like they're saying 'Hey, you delete this'."

But this morning I actually got something decently funny in my In Box:

LIQUOR WARNING

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex withoutspitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe youare invisible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll overin the morning and see something really scary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And it was from my father of all people. Hmmmm... you think he's trying to tell me something? I've already put a filter on his email address to trash anything with "Devotion" in the subject line, I don't think filtering him even more is gonna hurt. Does that make me a bad son? Meh. I didn't think so.

D

Long-Awaited & Much-Anticipated... it's Drunken Escapades: Issue # 3!!!!

They say that the third time's the charm. Well, it's your lucky day. I'm gonna talk about a little time that I got to screw up a good opportunity for a lot of future people.

To put it simply: No students enrolled at Georgia Southern are allowed to be in the President's Box at football games unless they are working there.

Because of me.

And this is my tale....


'Twas the Fall of my second (?) senior year (it could have been the first...they blend together). I had received the Alumni Association Scholarship so I was going to get to go down on the field and be recognized at halftime of the game with other recipients of the scholarship. But I'll come back to that in a few.

Saturday morning comes reeeallly early because I have to get up and go to the Alumni Association's meeting at 9:00 to get the whole picture and congratulatory thing done. With my parents there and everything. And I had done my usual Friday night routine the night before.

When I arrived, the first person to see me was my father who greeted me with "Oh, God" and just shook his head. "That bad?" I say. Apparently it was. So I headed to the bathroom to try and fix what I didn't get before at home. The pictures of me and the chicks who won the scholarship as well are simply awesome if I do say so myself.

So after all the pictures and recognition, I make a light-hearted comment to the Director of the Alumni Association, asking him if this meant that I could get a pass to the President's Box. He just kind of laughed and said "maybe."

Later at the game I'm getting all kinds of shit from my friends for getting to go down on the field at halftime and be adored by thousands. Well, not adored, more like not completely ignored. But time comes for me to head down and I do. Much adoration and fanfare occurs and the Director of the Alumni Association comes up to me and says I have the green light to go up to the President's Box. Score one for the good guys!

I proceed to truck on over to my friends and give them my crap to hold so I don't have to hold it up there, because I didn't plan on staying long. Just long enough to check it out.

Somewhere in between those goal posts, yours truly is about to make history. Sort of.

When I walked into the Box, I noticed a few things:

• Oh it was nice and cool.
• The view wasn't all that great, I'd rather watch from the student section.
• The had a buffet! A free one!
• TVs with lots of other games on.
• Comfy, comfy seats.
• There was a bar. A well stocked one.

But I was hungover as all get out, so there was not going to be any drinking for me that day. So I just started talking to the bartender whom I knew (go figure). And he told me three of the most beautiful words I've ever heard: "Drinks are free."

Those three words are enough to make me reconsider the whole "I'm really fucking hungover and I don't feel like drinking" idea. So I figured that I'd have just one free Beam and Coke. You know, just for hair of the dog.

One turned into two, which turned into a few. At that point I needed to make a break for it and go let my friends in on my new situation. After a brief exchange with the doorwoman (doorperson?); I head over, tell them, throw in a few "nyah nyah's", dodge flying water bottles, get slapped, and run back to the free booze. It's all down hill from here...

I park myself at the bar like a retard. Not casually in the comfy seats where you can't see anything, no I prop myself against the bar and drink away. Drink after drink and I think that I'm as casual and discreet as I usually am (that's bad enough); but apparently not so much. I think that I'm being tolerated by everyone else in the room at this point.

The 3rd quarter is about to end and my buddy the bartender lets me know that they stop serving after that quarter ends. So I finish the one I have, order another...and one for the road.
As I finish the very last of them, and I couldn't possibly tell you how many I had while I was there, I turn to leave to go back home to get ready for the night's party. Who's standing there when I turn around to go? Yeah, the president of the University. Great.

This man is about to not be happy. Or at least to about to rethink a few policies.

This is the exchange that I remember having and I think it's pretty much right:
G: "Um, Derek, you appear to have had enough to drink and I think that it might be best if you just went ahead and left the Box."
D: "Aww, it's cool. I was just about to head out anyways. I gotta go get ready for tonight. But thanks for letting me up here, sir." (notice how I tried to sober up a tad at the end)
G: "You're welcome. Have a good afternoon."
D: "K. Thanks. Umm, you too."


Next thing I know, it's pitch black and I'm pretty sure I'm in my room. It's also loud as Hell, and I intend to find out what the racket is. I proceed to walk out into the middle of a party that is so large it has filled my apartment and spilled outside. And I'm in my boxers and one sock. Not really giving a shit, I proceed to get a beer and mingle with everyone. I eventually got cold and then went and put on some clothes and resumed my partying.

After regaling everyone with my fabulous tale of wonder in the President's Box for the next few days, I kind of forgot about it.

Fast forward to several years later and I'm sitting in an Admissions Office meeting with some of the Southern Ambassadors (student tour guides). A co-worker (we'll call him Fritz) explains that one of the prizes that they can get for doing stuff is being able to work in the President's Box at a home game. One of the Ambassadors asks why they have to work and not just relax. Fritz says because regular students are not allowed in there anymore. I start laughing. They Ambassador asks why. Fritz said because the President has that policy because someone got too drunk in there one time and the President hasn't allowed regular students in there ever since then and won't again. I laugh even harder.

Ahh. Memories are even better when you really go and fuck shit up.

D

Hello Occifer. I KO to drive!

UPDATED!!
Ah, pictures make just about everything better...
(thanks, Eddie)


Oh, I so cannot wait until The Smoking Gun gets a hold of the mugshot...

Redick arrested, charged with drunken driving

D

Mr. Redick, I'm going to need you to touch your nose and not Officer Miller's. And please stop singing "The Hokey Pokey" as it's not appropriate...or what "it's all about".

Fire trucks are cool...

Went to visit the fire house that my buddy works at yesterday. I got to hang around, meet the guys on his shift that day, check out the trucks, try on his gear, and even clean out the garage bays. Yeah, I got suckered into helping him work on my visit. And as stupid as it sounds, I kinda liked the simplicity of just hosing the whole thing down and squeegeeing it dry. I guess it was an obsessive compulsive, zen-type thing.

That suit though. Holy shit. It’s pretty damned cumbersome and your field of vision is severely compromised when you put the mask on. But the heat. Holy fuck, just putting that get-up on and standing around in the high 90’s heat made me start sweating like a whore in church. I can’t imagine running around in it doing all kinds of physical activity. But you know, even after all the weirdness of the gear and pack and everything, I really didn’t mind it. It only took me a few minutes to get used to the suit, its weight and everything; it was just the field of vision that would take me a bit longer to get used to.

After sitting around and shooting the shit for a while, and talking about anything and everything about the job we could think of; I had pretty much made up my mind that whenever they start posting for openings again, I’m going to apply. I’ll just take it from there after I get through that first part. I don’t want to get my hopes up or anything.

I just think that making this career, and more importantly, this lifestyle change; is just what I need in my life right now. After talking it over a couple of times, even the negatives that I had before don’t really matter much when compared to all the positives that are there. But like I said before, one step at a time.

Alls I know for now is, I better get off my fat, lazy ass and get back into shape. Real good shape.

D

Gotta stretch it out. Don’t wanna pull a hammy.

The New York Marathon? For amateurs. The Boston Marathon? For pansies. You want a real race? Try the annual Bay to Breakers Race in San Francisco.

Ok, so its 7.46 mile course isn’t the most intimidating trek. So what is it about a 7.46 miles that keeps 75,000 people coming back year after year?

Beer, nudity, and sheer fucking madness.



Now that’s what I call a race. But that’s just it. Calling the Bay to Breakers a “race” is a bit of a misnomer. It’s more like a roving street party really.

Sure there are actual runners trying to complete the course quickly, but the majority of the participants are there to do just the opposite: complete the 7.46 miles as slow or casually as possible. Which makes it all the better to enjoy consuming as much alcohol as possible, ogle naked women (or men, if that’s your thing), and revel in the lunacy of everyone dressed in outlandish costumes (the "Dick Cheyney Hunting Club" and F.E.M.A "rescue" teams) or kick-ass floats (pirate ships, prisoners, outdoor BBQs and beer pong tables).



Starting at 8:00am-ish, participants start in the Financial District, make their way through the city's distinctive neighborhoods and into beautiful Golden Gate Park. And if they finish and are up for more “racing”, there’s always a festival of food and live music called Footstock; an indoor/outdoor bar near the race's starting point named Pier 23; or Sam's, which is a sun-drenched outdoor patio on the water in Marin County.



So if you’re up for “running” in next year’s Bay to Breakers, you’ve got a little while to train. We just missed our shot at this year’s, as the usual date is the 3rd Sunday of May. Now I just have to come up with a kick-ass costume, and I don’t think Liquid Courage is gonna cut it this time. Hmmm, maybe Steve Prefontaine?

D

E C F’n W!

(Frickin' Blogger. Won't let me go back and add pictures. Damn. Looks like my writing will have to stand on its own. Sorry about that.)

Well, it happened again. I got suckered back into wrestling. Just like wrestling is cyclical, so is my interest in it. And Vince has finally coaxed me back into the fold again. He got me with 2 things:
1. An interesting Kane angle
2. The return of ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling)

Kane has long been my favorite wrestler (my collection of figures and a signed photo validate me), but a while back I grew tired of the endless crappy storylines they kept saddling him with. Not to mention all the near misses with the WWE (nee WWF) title that Vince and his lackeys have teased me with over and over. So I stopped watching. The occasional commercial break’s worth not counting.

However, Kane starring in the major motion picture (if you can call it that), See No Evil; has allowed the WWE to actually begin to push Kane as the “Big, Red Monster” and the unstoppable force that he was in the past. The same persona that led him to his singular (but not spectacular) title run. And to further screw with my head, and add to my delight, they are now apparently pitting Kane versus…Kane? This past Monday showed Kane leaving a sure-fire victory prematurely due to a taunting promo on the “Titan Tron”. As he rampaged through the back attempting to find his tormentor, the lights went out; only to come back on with an apparent “classic” or “first appearance” Kane standing right behind him. Classic Kane proceeded to “lay the smack down” (sorry) on the current Kane and skulk off into the darkness, leaving me to express myself with a simple “Huh.”

And now I’m partially back in.

But last night WWE had a special Wednesday night show, WWE vs ECW: Head to Head. I learned that Vince and crew have decided to give the fans what they’ve been clamoring for, for a long time: blood, violence, flaming tables and as much carnage as you can cram into the squared-circle (and out of it too). Last night they let the world know “ECW is back!” And on the Scifi Channel no less.

ECW is bringing back a majority of the established ECW veterans that were both on the WWE roster and off it. Plus, they’ve done a hell of a job at adding wrestlers who never wrestled in ECW before, such as Kurt Angle and The Big Show. It really looks like the WWE is really trying to put everything into this run of ECW, unlike previous incarnations ala the ECW invasion (which was worse than the WCW invasion and NWO invasions). But just like everything else, Vince will probably ruin ECW at some point by putting his daughter, Stephanie (that Jezebel!), in charge or something. Like I said in the beginning, wrestling is cyclical.

And now I’m back in all the way. Well, until everything gets screwed up and goes to hell again. But for now, I’ll enjoy it while I can. Which just happens to be 2 hours at a time on Mondays and Tuesdays, on USA and the Scifi channel respectively.

D

Have Ferris Wheel, Will Travel

I don’t really trust fairs or carnivals that are set up in parking lots.






No offense. I’m sure the carneys are just as creepy and weird as their State Fair counterparts. And I’m sure the rides have just the same chance at eviscerating or decapitating me as the ones at the Kiwanis Fairgrounds. But I just can’t get behind something that is being set up when I go into Super K-Mart to look for dog food and Rubbermaid; and by the time I come out, it’s finished. Ok, so that’s a slight exaggeration on my part. Only the Ferris wheel and the Scrambler were set up in that 15 minutes. And I’m sure that extreme caution was used and that every, single bolt was tightened by Wayne the one-armed operator/technician/cotton candy vendor/LSD peddler/weight guesser.

I just think that I’ll stick with the roving band of carney’s that I know and trust: the under-enthusiastic ride operators, fucked up ticket ladies, food poisoning-inducing corndog booths, and rides that may or may not have been serviced since I rode them last at the age of 6. You know, the fairs that are set up at the actual “fair”grounds. Not the ones set up behind McDonald’s, Checkers and Chik-Fil-A.

No offense though.

D

Ramma Jamma, Yellow Hammer, Give ‘Em Hell, Alabama!

13 hours and 827.1 miles later, I’m back from Tuscaloosa. And the drive wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Other than the cost of gas, some light traffic outside Atlanta, and rigamortis setting in on my lower half from sitting; it was a semi-enjoyable drive. But the city of Tuscaloosa and getting to see a very good friend really made the trip. Well that; and all the booze and hot, hot girls.

Instead of trying to tie everything up into a nice, neat story about my trip; I’ve decided to just point out a few observations and musings that I had during my brief stay in Alabama.

-What the fuck are all these hill things? We don’t have those in South Georgia. It’s weird having to look up at shit all the time.
-Is the state movie of Alabama Forrest Gump? Heh. Well what would Georgia’s be? Probably Smokey and the Bandit.
-Accidentally calling “Birmingham” “Burgerham” is indeed actually funny. To me at least.
-That football stadium is ridiculously huge. What? They’re expanding it to hold 93,000 and change? That’s just re-goddamned-diculous.
-Wow. So this is what it’s like when an entire city fully supports the school that’s there.
-So many bars, so little time. And money.
-Wearing a tux can make any schmuck, even me, look better.
-Meeting someone for the first time and having them ask you “Are you Liquid Courage?”, is a very surreal experience. Funny, yes; but creepy and unnerving also.
-I don’t care how many times you say it, but “Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!” just doesn’t get old.
-What do you mean you don’t have any Doritos? This store isn’t very convenient.
-Leaving a $10 tip on a $4 bar tab will still get you nowhere with the hot, hot girl tending bar. Well, it didn’t get me anywhere.
-This place was great…from what I remember.
-Even after all these years, waking up in a strange bed after a night of drinking is still a bit scary and kinda fun.
-I have seen Anchor Man way too many times if I can identify the movie by 5 seconds of “yazz flute” from the other end of the house and after just waking up. Way too many.
-XM Satellite Radio has got to be in the top 50 of the greatest inventions ever. Along with beer, football, the stripper pole, and Snakes on a Plane.

So that’s a few of the things that popped into my head during my time in Tuscaloosa. Well, the ones that I can remember anyways. I can’t wait to see what I come back with after an extended trip for the wedding in November.

D

Oh bloody hell...

Just finished giving blood again. This time was better than last time for a couple of reasons:

• It took less time to get through the initial line because I had my little Donor Card.
  
• The whole process took like 2 hours, so I was out of the office for a while.
  
• They hooked me up to some fancy machine because I volunteered to let them take more blood and red blood cells than a regular donor.
  

said fancy machine

• They separated my blood/blood cells from my plasma and I got to watch it happen.
  
• Everyone in hearing distance laughed at the joke I made about the plasma:
  Nurse: “You see that? That’s your plasma being separated from your blood.”
  Me: “Oh, good. For a second there I thought you were separating all the beer from
  my blood.”
  

my blood and my beer, I mean plasma

Ah, it's good to know I can still kill a room even when I’m lightheaded and feenin’ for the juice and cookies I know I’ve got coming.

D