No Soliciting

Some lady brought her rugrats into the office today with her. And the diminutive Willy Lomans proceeded to drop their catalogs and order forms right on my desk (on top of the work that I was actually doing, I might add), and instruct me on how to fill out the order form. Apparently, those pushy, little precogs just knew that I was gonna order some of their shit.

And it was Christmas shit to boot! In September! These pint-size snake oil peddlers were beating out the rest of the American Economy’s “Christmas Season Frontal Assault” by a full 2 months! Trying to corner the early, early Christmas shoppers I guess. But positive thinking and cuteness-glazed intimidation tactics weren’t enough to break me. Not a sober me anyways. (All those cute girls selling t-shirts in Paulsen’s parking lot have made a killing off drunk me over the years.)

But, I did at least humor them by looking through their catalogs, raising an eyebrow every now and then to feign interest in something stupid like pear & cinnamon stick candle or some crap like a Santa shaped oven mitt (although, the Hillshire Farms Sampler just about gets me every damned time). I actually chuckled out loud once when I got to the sports collectibles section, and I saw the Georgia Southern primary logo flag that I bought yesterday. I barely managed to keep from saying “Ha! I just bought that yesterday! Not that I would’ve bought it out of here or anything, even if I hadn’t.” I mean, I didn’t want the kids to cry or anything, even though that would have made the story better. To me anyways.

So the moral of the story is… well, there really isn’t one that I can think of. Umm, I guess just don’t bring your capitalistic younglings around when I’m working. Or 3 ½ months before I start thinking about Christmas (I celebrate Festivus) or thinking about anybody else but me. Or something like that. I dunno. I should have just made them cry.

D