Drunken Escapades: Issue Numero Quatro!

It's my birthday this weekend. And in the hopes of doing some drunkenly, awesome things that could be considered "legendary" and lead to something worthy of the "Drunken Escapades" mantle; I present to you a shoddily produced....

Drunken Escapades: Issue Numero Quatro!


(The names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent. I had a hard enough time remembering the story itself, let alone get that creative.)


Augusta, Ga. September of 2005. My last full night on the PROBE circuit. A night to go out, celebrate and say goodbye. A night for another Drunken Escapade.

It was my last full night out with the traveling college fair (meaning I stayed in a hotel, rather than going right home after the fair), which meant that all of the counselors were supposed to go out and say goodbye in an inebriated fashion. Since I had been on this circuit for a few years at this point, I had quite a few come out to join in the send-off.

I was staying at one hotel with a few other college reps (we’ll call this “Hotel A”), while another part of the group was staying at a different one (“Hotel B”, duh). This night happened to fall on the night of a Manager’s Party in Hotel A, so several people from Hotel B decided to come over and have a few drinks with us as we decided what to do after we finished all the beer that was there, I mean after the party was closed. We decided to head on over to a bar called “Stool Pigeons” not too far away from both Hotels A and B.

As we headed over to Stool Pigeons (a bunch of one-the-way-to-being drunks in a single car), we each called every other recruiters’ numbers that we had to try and help our gathering grow. An hour or two later and we had a good number of people there. Most of us drinking the night away, some just as well-wishers.

Fast forward to several, blurry hours later and it’s time to go. Trying to decide how we’re getting back to the hotel, we come up with a few options:
1. Take a cab
2. Walk
3. Catch a ride home with Aaron

So 3 of us decide to ride home with Aaron: Jesse, Neils and myself. The whole time we came up with and commenced with this plan, Aaron is saying that he’s going right back to his hotel (Hotel B) and his hotel only. He didn’t feel like driving all over Augusta after having as much to drink as he did (which was a pretty good bit). We paid not one bit of attention.

We’re half way back to the hotel (Hotel B), when Aaron stops the car on the side of the road. Neils gets out of the car and closes the door. I roll down the window and ask him if he’s gonna puke. “No. I’m going back to my hotel (this was Hotel C by the way)” “Ummm, ok. “ I manage. Aaron drives off as Jesse and I watch Neils head off toward a thick growth of bushes.

After a short ride, which Aaron claims was filled with a complete gibbersh conversation between Jesse and I and Jesse covering Aaron’s eyes while he drove; we get to the hotel. Aaron throws the car in park, we all get out, and Jesse and I at pretty much the same time look at the hote and then Aaron and asy “This isn’t our hotel!”. To which Aaron says “No shit. I told you guys I was going back to my hotel the whole time you guys were babbling incoherently.” Jesse and I shrug and follow Aaron into the lobby (still mixing gibberish and cussing loudly the whole time, according to Aaron). Up the elevator and out to whatever floor Aaron was on, and Jesse and I start arguing about something. We turn around and Aaron’s gone. And we have no idea which room he’s in.

Jesse vetoes my idea to just start knocking on doors and asking for Aaron (at whatever time in the morning it was), so we head outside to figure out what to do. After a quick pass through the lobby and a search for anything to eat at the breakfast area (not bagels or doughnuts, just apples), we hit the parking lot. Jesse calls Aaron’s cell, to no avail. I spot Aaron’s rental car and notice that the sunroof is still open. A light bulb flickers above my head and then shorts out.

“Hey Jesse, watch this!” And I climb headfirst into the car via sunroof. And for some reason, I’m shocked that the keys aren’t in there. Because I’m a drunken idiot. Jesse laughs and asks me what I’m going to do in there.

“I’m gonna try and hotwire it!” Swear to God, I said I was gonna try to hotwire it.

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m sure you’ll be able to hotwire a brand new Volvo with nothing but an apple.”

Jesse was right, no joy on the joyriding. Instead, I decide to turn the volume all the way up, the windshield wipers on, mess with the seats and anything else I can. You know, just as a little “good morning” for Aaron.

After getting out of the car via the sunroof again (instead of the freakin’ door), we realize that Gina was staying at Hotel B too. And we had her cell number. So we call. And call. Annnd call, until she finally answers the phone. There’s Jesse doing his best to try and persuade Gina to get up and take us back to our hotel (A) at God-awful in the morning, with me standing right next to him, chiming in like a mentally-challenged Cyrano de Bergerac. Somehow it worked.

Gina comes downstairs and immediately begins cussing us out for dragging her out in her PJ’s. We tell her she looks cute and we love her and blah blah blah, and we’re on our way. Time travel later, and Jesse and I are back at Hotel A. Gina drops us off, gives us the finger, and heads on back to Sleepy Town.

Jesse and I then get into a fight about whether to go to the Waffle House just up the street or Denny’s right next door. I win with the “Denny’s takes American Express” stance and we go there. After some “meat debacle” that I can’t really remember, we ask the waitress if we can still get beer. “It’s like 3 in the morning!”

“So that’s a no?” I ask.

“Guess so. “ says Jesse.

So we pay up and head back to the hotel. I take a gamble and peak into the lobby to see if maybe they had kept a few beers or wine in reserve so we wouldn’t drink it all earlier. And score! Jesse and I raid the tub like pirates and head back to our rooms.

I woke up the next morning a little surprised to see a beer on the nightstand and an empty can in the bed with me. I just chalked it up to a good night, because I wasn’t really sure what the hell happened exactly.

Jesse and I pieced it together later with everyone’s help, and now you have Drunken Escapade #4.

D