You received a “C”. And for that… you die!

The crank caller is still at it. But apparently she’s just telling our switchboard operator that the school is “evil”. Umm, ok. Sure. Whatever.

Dr. Evil: Guest Lecturer for "How Not to be a Frickin' Idiot, Ok?"

But that got me to thinking about what programs we’d offer if we were an “Evil Technical College”, who and what our students would be and the campus itself. Then all that led me to thinking about a cheaply made television commercial promoting the school and its programs. And a lot of laughing.

-----
FADE IN

**cue downtrodden music**

*shots of: burger flippers, data entry people, some asskisser getting a promotion instead of a regular Joe, etc*

VO: “Tired of your dead end job? Ready for a career or lifestyle change? Do you just need the know how to advance within your current organization?”

**cue imposing, techno-style music bed to run throughout**

VO: “Then enroll now at Evil Technical College!”

*shot of outside, main entrance of ETC*

VO: “At E-T-C we have 43 evil programs of study that you can choose from. Everything from Entry Level Henching or Death Trap Engineering to Death Ray Maintenance and Repair or our new Associates degree in Reverse Psychology on Heroes.

*(on right side of screen) CHIRON: (scroll through all programs offered- highlight mentioned programs)*

*(left side of screen) shots of: instructor lectures (the one with the Deathstar diagram), henchman obstacle course, tyrant slapping the insolent student, uniform handouts, etc…*

VO: “Love animals? Then help care for all your future master or employer’s mutated “pets” with our new Mad-Vet Tech Assistant program! Love to cook? Then learn to cook gruel and slop for just a handful or for an entire army in our award-winning Cruel-inary Arts program”!

*shots of: the beast pits, handlers prodding the mutants, serving line cooks, cook chopping off an arm in the kitchen, etc…*

VO: “Don’t know what you want to do, but just know you want to freakin’ kill somebody or payback society for all its cruelties and decadence? The come on in and take our Evil Career Interest Test. We’ll help put you on the right track to being the henchman, global terrorist, or ego-maniacal super villain that you always knew you could be.”

*shots of: electroshock therapy test takers, Dr. Occult counseling a prospective student, graduation ceremonies, graduation explosions and massacre, shots of famous alumni (L-47 from Cobra, Tyrannosaurus Tex from Dr. Mutasaurus’ crew, etc.)*

VO: “So get off the couch, burn down you current place of employment, and give E-T-C a call to start your evil training today!”

*CHIRON:
Evil Technical College
Professionally training and staffing for the world’s worst since 1967.
1-800-555-EVIL (3845)
Or visit us on the web at:
http://www.eviltech.edu/
*

FADE OUT

---

Wow. That was a lot more than I thought I was gonna do about my little laugh at being an “evil” school. But once I got started, I just couldn’t stop. Oh well, it amused me at least.

D

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I’m probably gonna feel like a jackass one way or another after I make this phone call.

There’s a good size discrepancy in my bank account, between what the web account says I have, and what my checkbook and Excel sheet say I have. But in a pseudo-positive way that credits me with more than I should have.

And yes, I’m OCD enough to have an Excel sheet that keeps track of every cent I spend each month. That compulsion is also what’s driving me to make the call to the bank just so I know, instead of just transferring the money into a savings account and claiming no knowledge of it whatsoever. Kind of like a poor man’s money laundering.

I don’t want to go and spend money that isn’t mine. Well, I do, but it’d feel (and, you know, actually be) wrong. But like I said, not that I would spend this miracle money though, it’d just go into savings. I know: me=wet blanket.

I’m just gonna feel stupid and kick myself when I do call and they end up fixing it. But maybe they’ll tell me, “Nope. That’s entirely yours sir.” Or, in true SBDA style, they’ll end up taking away what actually is my money. That’d really suck.

So maybe I’ll just try to be as vague as I can and try to out smart them. Heh. Yeah, like that’s gonna work.

Let’s see what happens:


Just made the call and they were pretty much useless. All they did was confuse me even more. But I still maintain that I’m right. Guess I’ll just give it a another day or two to see what happens. Or more to the point, to see how I get screwed.

D

Major Horseshit

The world is a slightly less shiny, happy place to live in now. Well, my weird little alcohol fueled-obsessive compulsive-over promising-under delivering-televised in Japan world that I live in anyways.

My hero, my mentor, Major Victory was eliminated from “Who Wants to be a Superhero?” last night.

07/27/06 - 08/24/06

No more self depricating name changes, no more spontaneous stripper dancing, no more over-acting in heroic situations, and no more of the best superhero catchphrase since “Boobies!”: “Be a winner, not a wiener.”

All that’s left is a fat chick and some goof who cries way too much and gives out more hugs than Special Olympics athletes. And that’s just not enough to get me to keep watching.

So I’ll not be watching the final show to see who wins their own Dark Horse comic book (the Major’s comic cover was awesome) and their own SciFi Channel original movie. A SciFi Channel original movie? Jesus, I think the guys at SciFi know they make shitty movies, but I bet they’d be really pissed about having to make a movie about that chicken wing and french fry-stealing Fat Momma.

No sir, not watching.

Plus, now I hate you a little bit, Stan Lee. I don’t care that you created Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, and even the X-Men. You made Major Victory turn in his costume. And you created Stripperella.

So now the show is dead to me now. D-e-d, dead.

Until next season.

D

Things I wish my father would’ve taught me

Just because you can sit on the couch and drink Jack Daniels on the rocks out of a Little Mermaid sippy cup while watching a couple episodes of “Who Wants to be a Superhero?” and “The Ultimate Fighter”, doesn’t necessarily mean that you should. And just because you think drinking a few beers after that to round out the evening is a fantastic idea, doesn’t always mean that it is.

Especially when you have to get up and go to work the next morning. And you really have no food to help balance things out. Ow.

I’m so blaming this one on Dad.

D

Harry and the Al-Nassars

The Saudi Arabian Little League team has a player that’s like 6’8”.

How in the hell did they manage to catch and shave a Sasquatch, let alone teach him to play baseball?

D

Not exactly the Jerky Boys…

We’ve had a prank caller calling up to the switch board last night and today. She keeps calling and saying that one of our instructors is a pervert and then hangs up. It’s really frustrating to the girl who’s working the switchboard because she has to keep hearing it, and she thinks it’s getting old. It’s also frustrating to me as I have yet to get to hear it, but I’ve said it about a hundred times today and it still hasn’t gotten old to me.

“Mr. Rogers is a pervert!” *click*

Now, “Mr. Rogers” is not the instructor whose character is being impugned, but I don’t want the SBDA hosts to turn this around on me somehow and have it come back and kick me in the junk. So I changed the name. But really, it’s actually a little more humorous to imagine Mr. Rogers on the receiving end of that little barb.

I suppose I could have used a more socially relevant name like Bill O’Reilly to play the role of the pervert, but that’d be too easy. And it’s been done before by Tina Fey. A lot. Plus, Mr. Rogers was the first guy I thought of when I wanted to call someone’s character into question. I know, I’m an asshole.

I suppose it’s a good thing Fred Rogers is already dead though, because there’s that whole urban legend that the dude was a Marine sniper with dozens of confirmed kills. Although, that really would have been a fitting end to SBDA: to be the one to finally push Mr. Rogers over the edge and have him take me out with a shot to the head from 150 yards out. One shot, one kill.

Oh well. I guess for now I’ll just have to settle for hearing about the calls and hope that I get to hear it for myself one day. Don’t know if they’ll catch her though, as she’s a smart one. She’s calling from an outside line that doesn’t show up on the Caller ID and hanging up very quickly. I’m sure that eventually she’ll probably get bored with it, but here’s hoping that she doesn’t ever, and she just gets better at it.

D

“Meh”dia Day

Went to Media Day for the Eagles on Saturday with Tommy, Kelley and the squirt; and all I have to say is “Meh”.

I was so under whelmed, I can’t even really get motivated or psyched enough to write a proper post about it. I’ll just say I was very disappointed, and leave it at that.

Speaking of under whelmed, one thing that is starting to worry me is that the season starts in 19 days, and I have yet to really have that “F@#k Yeah!” moment about it. Normally by now, I’m ready for the season to begin and I’m almost foaming at the mouth for the first game. But this year I’m not even close to that point yet.

Maybe it’s because for the first time in 10 years, I’m not on campus to see and hear everyone getting all fired up again. Or maybe it’s because I’m pretty occupied with the prospect of a new job, or any of the other things I’ve had on my mind lately. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it and I’ve had enough.

I’ll see if listening to the fight song while I drive around and visiting the Southern Connection will help. If it doesn’t, I’m gonna get Yogus, Lott and Tommy to stage some kind of reverse-intervention.

D

Go Eagles!!

In the category of “Kick Assery”, the Oscar goes to…

Snakes on a Plane!!!

Hollywood has restored a bit of my faith in the silver screen now. After a couple of “Meh”-worthy movies like Superman Returns, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, and even Clerks 2; it was nice to leave the theatre saying “That was actually a pretty damned good movie.” Wait, I’m sorry. I should rephrase that in honor of the movie: “That was actually a pretty damned good motherfucking movie.”

You see this?
















This is the first ticket to Snakes on a Plane sold in Statesboro. And it’ll probably never be worth anything.

Tommy and I caught the 10:00 show last night along with about maybe 20 other people. Sorry, 20 other geeks. Wait, no, 19 other geeks and 1 drunk redneck. Yeah, that’s about right. And they were pretty rowdy.

Normally, I would have told the geek squad to “shut it” once the movie started and they interjected their tired and unimpressive commentary during the course of the movie. But I figured “Hey. This is Snakes on a Plane. It’s their birthright to play MST 3000 tonight.” And I also figured that if I go see it again, I’ll probably be all kinds of hammered and will get the chance to be one of those assholes. Again.

So yes, I did get to go see it before opening night. And yes, despite the cheese and camp, it was a good, solid movie. Oh, and yes, all 20-somethnig of us did cheer when Sam said the best action movie line since “Get to the chopper!!”

“That’s it! I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes, on this motherfucking plane!”

D

I Have a Dream...

To go to the 10:00 showing of Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane tonight.

Will my simpleton's dream come true?

D

Ugh!

This is me so far this week:


I am so freakin' tired. I really could use a nap.


And maybe I could use a little Divine Meditation to help get my shit back together.



Or, I could just go home and make myself one of these:


Yeah, that's about right.

D

Fear and Loathing in Wal-Mart

What was meant as a pit stop on my way to Wal-Mart Friday evening, ended up becoming a layover and severely enhancing my overall shopping experience. Well, enhancing may not be the most appropriate word. Maybe "bat shitting." Is "bat shitting" more appropriate?

I stopped at Dos to say hello to a friend and his family, and that’s all I meant to do: just sit down have some water and chit chat for a bit. Throw in my natural thirst for alcohol in that environment, some peer pressure from 2 adults and a 5 year old, and the several times I heard “I’m paying for it, so just fucking drink it!”; and I crumbled.

Next thing I know, it’s 3 or 4 big beers and 2 Jager bombs (on an empty stomach) later; and I’m on my way across town to do some grocery shopping at Wally World. ** Screw Big, Dumb American does not endorse drinking and driving, as that could totally cause the show to come to a sudden end. Unless Big, Dumb American goes to jail. That, we can work with.**

First off, a little editor’s note: they’ve been re-doing the ol’ Wally World quite a bit. Repainting the inside and outside, moving sections around, adding hardwood floors, the works. And I don’t like it. I don’t accept change very well, and messing with my Wally World weirds my shit out.

So I walk into Wally World all inebriated and ready to do some messed up grocery shopping (I had a very blurry list with me though). I start pushing my cart and immediately know that my internal Wally World GPS had been severely compromised. I am completely and utterly discombobulated. I think I shut down for a few seconds and I vaguely remember some lady asking me if I’m all right. God only knows what I answered with, but I carried on begrudgingly with the shopping.

I’ll skip the monotony of the actual shopping, and get to the retarded thing I did.

I became Australian.

I think I was cussing about them being out of something, and some how it came out in an Aussie accent. And I thought it was funny, so I continued to talk like that for the rest of the time I was there. Including to whoever was lucky enough to call me or be called by me.

I have no idea how authentic it sounded, but I’m willing to bet that it was probably like a Down Syndrome kid imitating Crocodile Dundee.

"No more retarded than the rest of us, mate!"

The rest of the trip is a blur, except for a sudden obsession with wanting to watch National Lampoon’s Vacation. Which I did.

And that was the highlight/lowlight of the weekend really.

By crikey!

D

U-Haul sucks

Someone’s moving in across the row from me today. They rented this Budget van to do it:



Whereas U-Haul has their useless, little pieces of Americana on the side; Budget has their awesome, should-be-common-sense Moving Tips:

“Dolly, good. Hernia, bad.”
“Wear plenty of deodorant on day of move.”
“Don’t pack dog and cat in same box.”
“Make lots of friends before you move.”

I don’t see how a van with a painting of “The World’s Largest Dirt Farm” in Oklahoma can compete with “Dolly good. Hernia bad.” I just don't.

And that’s why U-Haul sucks.

D

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

Well, not so much signs. More like fliers.

I spent a good bit of the morning putting up fliers around campus, to remind current students to register next week. Granted, my fliers were no “Obey Giant”; but they still got me out and away from my desk for almost 2 hours. And that works for me.

Hmmm, speaking of the Giant, maybe I should have made the fliers a little more like this to intimidate them into registering:




D

“Anybody want a peanut?”

No juice for you!

“No juice OR cookies for you!!”

Damnit! I couldn’t give blood today, as it was too soon after my donating two pints of red blood cells or whatever the hell it was they took out of me last time. So subsequently, I couldn’t get the free juice and cookies I've become accustomed to, and was really looking forward to. I guess I could have asked for them anyways since I had to sit there for nothing, but I thought that would be a little wrong.

Guess I’ll just settle for the fact that I got out of about 45 minutes of work (plus the 10 minutes or so I walked around campus aimlessly) and the coupons for some free Dairy Queen and Chic-fil-A.

As my old friend, Lando used to say: “Good enough for government work.” Indeed, Lando. Indeed.

D

Snakes on your motherfucking phone!

A new cog in the hype-machine for Snakes on a Plane:


Have Sam Jackson leave a message about Snakes on a Plane.

Life is motherfucking good.

D

This one time, at band camp!

I was running at the RAC yesterday and Southern Pride was out practicing by the track. I was kind of hoping that they’d play me around once with the Superman theme, the fight song, or better yet… the Chariots of Fire theme. I was all ready to bust out the super slow motion run, lean into the imaginary finish line and then raise my arms in fake victory. I don’t normally like to screw with or interrupt my routine, but that totally would have been worth it. Kind of like my own one-man Special Olympic event.

Yay! I’m a winner! Give me a hug!

Oh well. There’s always Wednesday if they’re out there.

D

Whatever

I’m in a very surly mood today for some reason. I guess it’s just having to get up early and come back to work after a self-imposed long weekend. I dunno why, but I hate everybody and everything right now.
----

I started reading the Firefighter’s Essentials this weekend. I got through chapter 1. It was something like “Operations and Safety”, and it sucked. I guess that was the boring stuff that they wanted to get out of the way in the very beginning, so they could move on to the more technical and tactical information. Chapter 2 is something like “Fire Behavior”, so that ought to be a little less snooze-worthy. All I know is that I learn better from actually doing something hands-on or hearing someone relay important information, not just reading. In fact, most of the technical and tactical firefighter stuff I can remember, I learned from hearing Merritt talk to me about it. Oh well, guess this will just hopefully give me a leg up later on.
----

“Tax Free Weekend” was this past weekend. Not a whole lot of extra incentive to go out and spend money really, unless you plan on buying a crap-load of stuff or expensive things like computers. I bought some Under Armour (which is kinda expensive), but skipped out on buying new running shoes. I figured I’d wait until next month and save myself a little bit of money right now. Besides, saving 4 or 5 bucks wasn’t enough to persuade me to buy new shoes this weekend. Especially when I didn’t like any of the ones that I saw in the Mall. Whatever.
----

The Crow: Wicked Prayer sucks ass. There’s no two ways about it. I caught it on SciFi last night, and it is God-awful. David Boreanez was alright, but even he couldn’t help the script being so poorly written. This is definitely the worst of the “franchise”. The best being the original, the third movie (“Salvation”) was actually surprisingly good, while the second (“City of Angels”) used to bring up the rear until now. I’m right down the middle on the TV show though. They went and screwed with the original which was just not cool, and then they couldn’t think of a better title for the show than The Crow: Stairway to Heaven? But, it did star Mark Dacascos; and Only the Strong ruled.
----

Guess it’s time to reactivate the word verification on SBDA. I’m starting to get a ton more spam comments. They’re only popping up in the older posts, but still, it’s a pain in the ass when I check my email and I have 20 “Anonymous” comments saying the same thing. Sorry about making you all type in inane combinations of letters again.
----

This is almost as good as "The Head Foundation".
Charity wants people to lend a hand...
I already planned to give blood on Wednesday, but I wish they'd would have given me a little heads up about this one before last Saturday.
----

Yeah, that's about it. I’m tapped.

D

A little light reading

Last night, my buddy dropped off the “Firefighter’s Bible” for me to borrow and peruse, and holy crap is that bad boy a read. It’s over 3 pounds and just under 700 pages of fire-puttin’-out goodness. Luckily, there’s a ton of pictures, diagrams and other stuff to help with the learning curve.

“Damn! I guess ‘stop, drop and roll’ and ‘Fire bad, water good.’ aren’t gonna cut it anymore, huh?”

He also let me borrow a study guide for the Firefighter’s Exam and a regular book about smoke eaters telling some of their best stories. I need to try and get through as much of the training books as possible to help with any possible interviews or exams, and the Academy if all things go well. “Be prepared” and all that.

That’s pretty much the “homework” I have for what’s left of the summer. But in addition to all that reading, there’s also everything else that I’m usually trying to read off and on: comics, Sports Illustrated, Wizard, blogs, and random parts of the Interweb. Jeez, that’s a lot of cross training for the old grey matter.

Of course I have to counter-balance all that “book learnin” with some quality time with the TV. This summer has actually had some surprisingly good shows to pass the time until Lost, How I Met You Mother and the rest of the starting rotation return. Eureka and Blade: The Series being two of the best in the bullpen.

So for now if I’m late for something, or you just haven’t seen me in a while (as usual); I’m hopefully being productive and trying to read my new behemoth of a text book. Of course chances are just as good that I’m either playing video games or getting drunk while watching Super Troopers. Again.

D

News you probably can't use...

I'm not feeling very creative lately. So I'll just make fun of some news. Or try to at least.

Apparently "forever" has been over-rated
"Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace."
3 out of 4 women just became more interesting to me. Just a thought, but we all know what you get when you give a woman diamonds, but what do you get when you give her a plasma screen TV? Probably herpes.

Hey, I found booty -- no, the other kind..
"Police in Brazil's remote Amazon state of Rondonia have arrested a man who had 666 rough diamonds stashed in his underpants. "
His next scheme is probably gonna involve plasma screen TVs.

India tries to chase monkeys from trains
"In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways, authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan Times newspaper reported Wednesday."
Indian officials are already looking ahead to find out what the fuck scares a langur, to combat the inevitable uncontrolable-langur situation.

Buffalo take over northern Canada town
"Wild buffalo have taken over a small town in Canada's far north, but unlike stray cats, pigeons, and other nuisance animals, these massive bovine pests can smash a truck, a local official said. "
Maybe they should look into what scares the bejeezus out of buffalo.

"You're mean, hairy and smelly; but damnit, I still like you better than my wife. You want a plasma screen TV?"

That's all I got. I suck.

D