Can't...stop...playing...
Too...much...like...crack...
http://tinyurl.com/56t9u
D
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
My Space: It's the devil!
I'm not a big fan of peer pressure. Alright, that's a lie. Let me rephrase that. I'm not a big fan of peer pressure when I'm the one being pressured. Sure, most times I cave because I'm weak. But not this time. I will not succumb to peer pressure and fall into that mind-numbing, over-stimulating, crack substitute, freak show of a parade known as "My Space".
Nope. I won't do it.
You wanna know why? Of course you do. Here's why:
So, I'm gonna try and exercise my willpower and refrain from joining the masses (baah). I shall endure as a blogger for now until I find something else to occupy my time. Not like work or anything though.
D
Nope. I won't do it.
You wanna know why? Of course you do. Here's why:
- I already have enough of a problem with blogging here...and here........and here. (see my point?)
- I really don't have anybody that I want to catch up with that I already can't do through here or the phone. (that may be kind of sad, actually)
- Most of the pages that I've seen are enough to either drive me into either a berserker rage or an epileptic fit.
- I'm cool with the monkey on my back that keeps me checking the number of hits I get here, but I don't want another one that has me freaking out about the number of "friends" I currently have. (that may drive me to drink...more)
- There is currently no 3rd option for accepting friends. You either do or you don't. There needs to be another one that says "Ummm, let me get back to you on that one" or something so you don't hurt someone's feelings by not adding them. And you're not stuck with a crappy friend you'd rather not have at all.
- I've wasted (or am wasting) all my humor and creative talent here, so I don't want to spread myself too thin and not be able to hold up my end of the deal over there. Remember, kids: quality, not quantity (in certain situations).
- The automatic music that plays when you look at someone's page is annoying as shit. So are most of the videos too.
- 'Cause I don't wanna!
So, I'm gonna try and exercise my willpower and refrain from joining the masses (baah). I shall endure as a blogger for now until I find something else to occupy my time. Not like work or anything though.
D
Monday, January 30, 2006
Hypothetically speaking of course...
Scott and his damned Hypothetical Interludes.
Well, rather than try and piece together some ramblings about what these songs mean to me, how they fit into my personality, or any other actual reason for me picking them; I simply decided to link to the lyrics so maybe you might be able to see why I like it or identify with it. Or not.
Right now I'd have to go with:
1. "Simple Man"- Lynyrd Skynyrd or Shinedown (although I do prefer the Shinedown version)
2. "Of All the Gin Joints in All the World"- Fall Out Boy
3. Either "Two Girls" or "Wasted"- Paranoid Social Club (here's the link to listen to both of them)
4. "Hotel California"- The Eagles (This one's just a classic that I've always loved)
5. The GSU Fight Song
Of course these are all subject to change.
D
Well, rather than try and piece together some ramblings about what these songs mean to me, how they fit into my personality, or any other actual reason for me picking them; I simply decided to link to the lyrics so maybe you might be able to see why I like it or identify with it. Or not.
Right now I'd have to go with:
1. "Simple Man"- Lynyrd Skynyrd or Shinedown (although I do prefer the Shinedown version)
2. "Of All the Gin Joints in All the World"- Fall Out Boy
3. Either "Two Girls" or "Wasted"- Paranoid Social Club (here's the link to listen to both of them)
4. "Hotel California"- The Eagles (This one's just a classic that I've always loved)
5. The GSU Fight Song
Of course these are all subject to change.
D
Friday, January 27, 2006
Drunken Escapades: Issue #2
Hmmm....where to go with this action packed second issue of "Drunken Escapades"? The President's box? 22nd birthday? Halloween not involving a cheerleading outfit?
Ah ha! What's one thing that I love almost more than drinking? Wait, um, I mean what's one of the things that I like almost more than drinking? (you guys probably guessed my original answer, but that's not the one I was gonna go with) You betcha, college football.
And what better way is there to combine two of my favorite loves that will never, ever abandon me? TAILGATING!!!! (and this is all drawn from bits and pieces, so some pieces may be out of order in actuality)
Ah, it was the Fall of my first senior year. I was soundly unconscious in my bed after a looong night of carousing and debauchery (typical Friday night) and managed to fall into my bed on the first try at around, oh I think maybe 3 or 4 that morning. No problem. I still had plenty of time to sleep in until the 1:30 game.
Until the goddamned phone rang. And rang. And fucking rang. At 8:00 AM!!!!
So because I managed to drink all of my roommates into a coma, I was the only one in any shape to operate an irritating piece of electronics like a telephone. I wish I hadn't been.
I answer and it's Larson on the other line.
L: "Hey!"
D: "*gurgle*"
L: "What are you doing?"
D: "*gurgle* Sleeping. What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"
L: "Well come over right now and start drinking for the game!"
D: "Huh? Man.... it's like...8:00?!?!? I just finished last night like 5 minutes ago. So, no."
L: "......If you don't come over now I'm sending Jim to get you."
Sidebar, Your Honour: Larson saying this was the equivalent of the little, Indian pimp saying he was gonna send Milt in Bachelor Party.
D: "Fuck. Alright. Gimme like half an hour." *hang up phone* "FUCK!!!!"
I shower, dress, yell at the bastards living in the apartment (and on the couch) to saddle up 'cause we gotta go again, and head on over to Larson's.
It's now about 11:30. I have yet to eat. Or throw up. I wish I had. Either of them.
I come back from the bathroom to find I'm pretty much alone in the house. I grab a stray person and ask (to the best of my ability) where everyone went. Buffalo's. Perfect. They have beer there.
I stumble (and I mean that in every sense of the word) from Sherwood Forrest to Buffalo's. Make it inside and sit down at the right table (after being guided like a blind man). Order a beer, and they actually bring it. I drink it. I black out.
Next thing I know, I'm being hauled out of Buffalo's by my friends and set outside. As I'm being carried out, I wave to a girl I know from one of my classes. Classic.
I decide it's time to go to the game. But I have to cross the street. No problemo. I almost get hit 3 times crossing the 2-way street 1 way. No injuries acquired, I decide to jump across the big trench at Oxford Fields for no apparent reason (it's not even on the way to the game). I don't make it. I climb out, begin to walk a little bit...and fall. Unconscious.
Next thing I know, a couple of my friends are trying to get me to get up and get home instead of the game. Probably a good idea, but I think I'm just fine where I am. Until they remind me of the cops that might come by and haul me off. Still not wanting to get up, my friend says "Hey, there's a cute girl who wants you to get in her car and go home with her." I look up and say "Ah, that's just Jill." Jill kicks me in the gut. I barf. I make my way to the car and she takes me home and puts me to bed.
I later wake up, shower, dress and head back to Buffalo's. I arrived to rousing applause and exclamations of "Holy shit, you're not dead?" I pass on all further drinks for the evening.
And I swear that there's a section of memory I have where I walked up to the ticket booth and grabbed the shatter/bullet proof glass and just rip a chunk out of it like it was nothing. But I cannot for the life of me remember where that goes in that day. I think maybe right before the first trip to Buffalo's. But the story works just fine without it, so I didn't bother to try really hard to remember where it went.
Ah, memories. Well, what littles ones I have.
D
Ah ha! What's one thing that I love almost more than drinking? Wait, um, I mean what's one of the things that I like almost more than drinking? (you guys probably guessed my original answer, but that's not the one I was gonna go with) You betcha, college football.
And what better way is there to combine two of my favorite loves that will never, ever abandon me? TAILGATING!!!! (and this is all drawn from bits and pieces, so some pieces may be out of order in actuality)
Ah, it was the Fall of my first senior year. I was soundly unconscious in my bed after a looong night of carousing and debauchery (typical Friday night) and managed to fall into my bed on the first try at around, oh I think maybe 3 or 4 that morning. No problem. I still had plenty of time to sleep in until the 1:30 game.
Until the goddamned phone rang. And rang. And fucking rang. At 8:00 AM!!!!
So because I managed to drink all of my roommates into a coma, I was the only one in any shape to operate an irritating piece of electronics like a telephone. I wish I hadn't been.
I answer and it's Larson on the other line.
L: "Hey!"
D: "*gurgle*"
L: "What are you doing?"
D: "*gurgle* Sleeping. What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"
L: "Well come over right now and start drinking for the game!"
D: "Huh? Man.... it's like...8:00?!?!? I just finished last night like 5 minutes ago. So, no."
L: "......If you don't come over now I'm sending Jim to get you."
Sidebar, Your Honour: Larson saying this was the equivalent of the little, Indian pimp saying he was gonna send Milt in Bachelor Party.
D: "Fuck. Alright. Gimme like half an hour." *hang up phone* "FUCK!!!!"
I shower, dress, yell at the bastards living in the apartment (and on the couch) to saddle up 'cause we gotta go again, and head on over to Larson's.
- Start the day off with breakfast: a few screwdrivers. (I have to have orange juice in the morning).
- Follow up with a few Bloody Marys for the veggies.
- Then some beer in the fridge.
- A wine toss ensues and I have about 2 bottles worth. Half a bottle at a time.
- We run out of wine.
- Jim, in his infinite wisdom, suggests we do an Evan Williams toss. We, in our retarded state of being, agree. An Evan Williams toss begins.
It's now about 11:30. I have yet to eat. Or throw up. I wish I had. Either of them.
I come back from the bathroom to find I'm pretty much alone in the house. I grab a stray person and ask (to the best of my ability) where everyone went. Buffalo's. Perfect. They have beer there.
I stumble (and I mean that in every sense of the word) from Sherwood Forrest to Buffalo's. Make it inside and sit down at the right table (after being guided like a blind man). Order a beer, and they actually bring it. I drink it. I black out.
Next thing I know, I'm being hauled out of Buffalo's by my friends and set outside. As I'm being carried out, I wave to a girl I know from one of my classes. Classic.
I decide it's time to go to the game. But I have to cross the street. No problemo. I almost get hit 3 times crossing the 2-way street 1 way. No injuries acquired, I decide to jump across the big trench at Oxford Fields for no apparent reason (it's not even on the way to the game). I don't make it. I climb out, begin to walk a little bit...and fall. Unconscious.
Next thing I know, a couple of my friends are trying to get me to get up and get home instead of the game. Probably a good idea, but I think I'm just fine where I am. Until they remind me of the cops that might come by and haul me off. Still not wanting to get up, my friend says "Hey, there's a cute girl who wants you to get in her car and go home with her." I look up and say "Ah, that's just Jill." Jill kicks me in the gut. I barf. I make my way to the car and she takes me home and puts me to bed.
I later wake up, shower, dress and head back to Buffalo's. I arrived to rousing applause and exclamations of "Holy shit, you're not dead?" I pass on all further drinks for the evening.
And I swear that there's a section of memory I have where I walked up to the ticket booth and grabbed the shatter/bullet proof glass and just rip a chunk out of it like it was nothing. But I cannot for the life of me remember where that goes in that day. I think maybe right before the first trip to Buffalo's. But the story works just fine without it, so I didn't bother to try really hard to remember where it went.
Ah, memories. Well, what littles ones I have.
D
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Your "Drunk Alert" level for today is: Homer
I was trying to come up with a post about how I wanted to institute some kind of ratings system for the few times that I imbibe drinks of the alcoholic nature.
But I couldn't come up with anything really good or novel. That, and the fact that I usually don't remember a friggin' thing I did (or what people claim I did) or really have all that many hangovers; kept me from finishing it. So I trashed it.
But my sister just sent me an email about a hangover ratings system. It was really just a ripoff of Modern Drunkard's much better "The 6 Circles of Hangover Hell.":
1st Circle: The Ducked Bullet
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you with a week’s worth of misplaced energy. During lunch you torture your less fortunate coworkers, bragging about how you can pound booze all night, drink warm gin out of a dirty ashtray for breakfast, and still show up fifteen minutes early for work. You crave a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.
2nd Circle: The Thirsty Mongoloid
No real pain, but something is definitely amiss. You look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. You are definitely dehydrated and after drinking two Gatorades you still feel that way. You feel kinda dumb and you notice the temporary lowering of your IQ has made you more sociable and less concerned with workaday worries. You crave a fruity pancake from IHOP.
3rd Circle: The Headwound That Won’t Heal
Slight headache. Stomach is upset. You are definitely not the paradigm of a productive worker. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the warm gin shots you did at your friend’s apartment after the bouncer ejected you at 1:45 a.m. Memories of bad behavior seep in and you cringe with shame. Life would be much, much better if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a diet coke and you haven't peed once.
4th Circle: The Hunchback of Cheap Champagne
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you’ll punctuate your sentences with vomit. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and reeking of booze. The clothes you put on won’t win you any fashion awards and your face looks like a golf green mowed by a blind junkie (ladies, it looks like you applied your make-up with a shotgun). Your eyes are red enough to give your features a lizardish cast and your hair makes your coworkers ask if you’re starting up a new wave band. You vaguely remember doing some really dumb and embarrassing things last night and you don’t care. You would murder your favorite bartender for a foot-long Bratwurst smothered with dijon and fried onions.
5th Circle: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dream Date
You don’t feel human, you don’t even feel like a mammal. Your long morning shower didn’t take, no amount of soap could penetrate the coat of sleaze. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employees sitting near you. You’re getting drunk from the vodka vapors seeping from every pore. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from the futile attempt to remove the taste of decaying rat. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, your tongue flops in your mouth like a nightmare-plagued wino thrashing around in his cardboard hooch. You'd cry like a baby but that would steal the last few drops of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty awesome right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still passed out in your bed.
6th Circle: The Infinite Nutsmacker
You wake up on your bathroom floor, your arms death-locked around your porcelain lover. You would vomit but you quite apparently took care of that last night, with none too good of an aim. You turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights—some sadist handed you a pack of Pall Mall nonfilters and you chain-smoked them like it was your full-time job, telling anyone who would listen that smoking filtered cigarettes is like drinking whiskey through a bar rag. You look in the mirror and find the Ready to Rock stamp has migrated from your right hand to your forehead with the help of Jager magic. You try to rehydrate but all you can stand is one cupped handful of brackish tap water. You crawl into the shower and the coldest water fails to revive your nerve endings as you mumble solemn oaths of never, ever letting a single drop of evil alcohol inside your body again. Ever .
If you could remember your behavior last night you would never step outside your apartment again, but the last thing you recall is accepting your ninth shot offer with the exhortation, “Fuck yes! Let’s get this party started!” Everything after that is a black vacuum populated with shifting, vaguely-menacing shapes.
Instead of yelling at you for being late, your boss solemnly invites you into his office to ask you if a parent or sibling passed away. Your super-sensitive ears pick up low talk among your coworkers about “interventions” and “rehab.” The cute girl from accounting you’ve been flirting with for three months looks at you like you’re a leprous hunchback who has come for her organs. You cannot bear to eat, the granola bar from the snack machine sticks in your craw like petrified log jammed in a woodchipper. You curse yourself for not calling in sick because all you can manage to do is sit in your chair and breathe . . . very gently.
-------
Oh, and I have actually gone ahead and typed up 2 more issues of "Drunken Escapades", but I can't post them yet. These things are hard to remember and I want to spread them out if possible. More than likely, #2 will hit stands tomorrow.
Hee hee...#2.
D
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Easy Come, EZ Go.
When you're stuck doing meanial labor all day at work, it seems as though there's only one thing that can make it better: a motorized work cart.
One of those suckers can brighten your day whenever you have to take loads of crap from one place to another, no matter how many times you have to do it. Fresh (cold) air in your face, sunshine-warmed bench seat, wind in your hair, nearly running over stupid pedestrians, generally hauling ass across campus...ahhhh. The day is just ducky.
Until that fucker runs out of gas leaving you with about a quarter of a mile that you have to carry 2 nearly-full coolers so those bratty 8th graders will shut the fuck up, get on the bus and get the Hell out of here.
D
One of those suckers can brighten your day whenever you have to take loads of crap from one place to another, no matter how many times you have to do it. Fresh (cold) air in your face, sunshine-warmed bench seat, wind in your hair, nearly running over stupid pedestrians, generally hauling ass across campus...ahhhh. The day is just ducky.
Until that fucker runs out of gas leaving you with about a quarter of a mile that you have to carry 2 nearly-full coolers so those bratty 8th graders will shut the fuck up, get on the bus and get the Hell out of here.
D
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
A few skeletons in my DVD closet:
So I was trying to find a movie to watch the other day and noticed something about my recently downsized DVD collection: I still have some pretty bad movies in there.
I mean, some of these are legitimately BAD movies or were ones that were panned more than California during the Gold Rush when they first came out. Some were so bad that most people didn't even know (or desperately tried to forget) that they came out. While I don't have any Uwe Boll movies (*shudder*), I do have a few winners (that would be sarcasm):
Showgirls- I picked it up in Best Buy for like $8 as a joke and have had it ever since. Can't decide if I want to sell it or not. It's almost a point of disturbing pride, or an ace up my sleeve for certain situations. I can 1 up someone when they mention having a crappy movie by saying "Oh yeah? I have Showgirls." I said it was "disturbing" pride, damnit.
Every time I see it sitting there I get a flashback of Elizabeth Berkley singing "I'm so excited" and losing her shit on Saved By The Bell. That and boobs.
Ready to Rumble- I remember vowing never to watch this movie when it came out because WCW actually awarded David Arquette the WCW title to help promote the movie. I think Ric Flair cried that night. 16 times.
And yet here I am with it in my collection. And I can quote almost the whole damned movie. It's really not ever going any where either.
Bubble Boy- Again, swore to God I would never see it. Saw it on tv one day & couldn't stop laughing. Promptly went on a hunt for it, and I do mean "hunt". Back in the day this wasn't the easiest movie to track down because it was so bad (to others anyways). I've only met 1 other person who actually liked it. And it wasn't Jake Gyllenhaal.
I do like the user comment on the IMDB page: "Not as Dumb as it Looks". That's actually what I tell people, and maybe it should have been the actual tagline for the movie. Couldn't have been any worse than "Life Is An Adventure. Don't Blow It."
And the winner and undefeated champion of suckiness.....
Planet of the Apes (Mark Wahlberg version)- Jesus. All I can tell you is that it was cheap as hell when it first came out and I hadn't seen it so I figured "What the hell?". And even that isn't enough to let me off the hook. I watched it twice, which was 1 too many times. It has one of the most retarded and confounding endings ever, and even the special feature's little time displacement map thingy didn't help one fucking bit.
I tried to sell it to Blockbuster but they wouldn't take it because it was missing some outer sleeve that I didn't have anymore. Thinking of using it as a shiny, coaster now.
So there's a peek into the depravity that sits in my living room. I bet that if I was burglarized, those would be a few of the items left in the apartment that they didn't want, along with a note that said "Dude, what the fuck?". I need to seriously reconsider what I buy on DVD now.
What's the worst that you've got?
D
I mean, some of these are legitimately BAD movies or were ones that were panned more than California during the Gold Rush when they first came out. Some were so bad that most people didn't even know (or desperately tried to forget) that they came out. While I don't have any Uwe Boll movies (*shudder*), I do have a few winners (that would be sarcasm):
Showgirls- I picked it up in Best Buy for like $8 as a joke and have had it ever since. Can't decide if I want to sell it or not. It's almost a point of disturbing pride, or an ace up my sleeve for certain situations. I can 1 up someone when they mention having a crappy movie by saying "Oh yeah? I have Showgirls." I said it was "disturbing" pride, damnit.
Every time I see it sitting there I get a flashback of Elizabeth Berkley singing "I'm so excited" and losing her shit on Saved By The Bell. That and boobs.
Ready to Rumble- I remember vowing never to watch this movie when it came out because WCW actually awarded David Arquette the WCW title to help promote the movie. I think Ric Flair cried that night. 16 times.
And yet here I am with it in my collection. And I can quote almost the whole damned movie. It's really not ever going any where either.
Bubble Boy- Again, swore to God I would never see it. Saw it on tv one day & couldn't stop laughing. Promptly went on a hunt for it, and I do mean "hunt". Back in the day this wasn't the easiest movie to track down because it was so bad (to others anyways). I've only met 1 other person who actually liked it. And it wasn't Jake Gyllenhaal.
I do like the user comment on the IMDB page: "Not as Dumb as it Looks". That's actually what I tell people, and maybe it should have been the actual tagline for the movie. Couldn't have been any worse than "Life Is An Adventure. Don't Blow It."
And the winner and undefeated champion of suckiness.....
Planet of the Apes (Mark Wahlberg version)- Jesus. All I can tell you is that it was cheap as hell when it first came out and I hadn't seen it so I figured "What the hell?". And even that isn't enough to let me off the hook. I watched it twice, which was 1 too many times. It has one of the most retarded and confounding endings ever, and even the special feature's little time displacement map thingy didn't help one fucking bit.
I tried to sell it to Blockbuster but they wouldn't take it because it was missing some outer sleeve that I didn't have anymore. Thinking of using it as a shiny, coaster now.
So there's a peek into the depravity that sits in my living room. I bet that if I was burglarized, those would be a few of the items left in the apartment that they didn't want, along with a note that said "Dude, what the fuck?". I need to seriously reconsider what I buy on DVD now.
What's the worst that you've got?
D
Monday, January 23, 2006
Patrice O'Neal and Isaac Mizrahi
Busy, busy, busy. But I wanted to throw something up here real quick-like.
Was watching TV the other day (I know, a shocker) and stumbled on a show on VH1, called Web Junk 20. They count down the top 20 crap they find on the internet that week and have Patrice O'Neal make fun of it. Nothing all that great, a few funny clips and a lot of stuff I've already seen about 20 times.
But then they got to #5 and I about shat myself laughing.
The "Appalachian is Hot, Hot, Hot" video.
I kid you not.
I got to witness someone making fun of crApp State on national television. Oh, it was too good.
----------
Isaac Mizrahi is my new hero. Plain and simple.
The man spent the whole time he was on the red carpet doing exactly what I'd have liked to do:
Asking chicks about their underwear.
Asking Eva Longoria about how she kept the front lawn.
GRABBING SCARLETT JOHANNSON'S BOOBS!!!!!
I might have gone to jail for something like that, but it would have totally been worth it.
D
Was watching TV the other day (I know, a shocker) and stumbled on a show on VH1, called Web Junk 20. They count down the top 20 crap they find on the internet that week and have Patrice O'Neal make fun of it. Nothing all that great, a few funny clips and a lot of stuff I've already seen about 20 times.
But then they got to #5 and I about shat myself laughing.
The "Appalachian is Hot, Hot, Hot" video.
I kid you not.
I got to witness someone making fun of crApp State on national television. Oh, it was too good.
----------
Isaac Mizrahi is my new hero. Plain and simple.
The man spent the whole time he was on the red carpet doing exactly what I'd have liked to do:
Asking chicks about their underwear.
Asking Eva Longoria about how she kept the front lawn.
GRABBING SCARLETT JOHANNSON'S BOOBS!!!!!
I might have gone to jail for something like that, but it would have totally been worth it.
D
Friday, January 20, 2006
Drunken Escapades: Issue #1
For no apparent reason, I decided to share one of my numerous drunken incidents with all of you. Mostly because I couldn't think of anything better today as my brain has already left for the weekend. Maybe I'll randomly post some of these as I recall them. That's the biggest problem though: being able to recall them, or at least all of it. Some might end up like a tag match: I start it and add as much as I can and tag in someone who was there to finish it...wait, that has the potential to be very bad. Bad? Yes. Funny for you? Definitely.
So let's start it off with one of my greatest hits (because it had the potential to be an international incident):
Ah, it was the summer of 1996 and I had just graduated high school. We were all going on our senior cruise to the Bahamas. The ship was called "The Fantasy", I now call it "The Debauchery". There were only about 25 of us total (grads and chaperones), and no one was old enough to give a damn about what we did. The oldest was a 20-something sister if that tells you anything.
Any-hoo, we're on our 2nd night and in Freeport for the entire night, so we have the opportunity to go bar hopping. And boy did we.
I started the evening off easy in a small group, just trying every beer on the menu; not over doing it or anything. A little later on, another group of us joined in at the bar we were at and in that group was a girl (referred to as "L") from another school that I was particularly fond of. We all sat around and chatted and drank and drank...and drank, until L decided we needed to take two of our friends back to the ship as they were way too shit faced. So we do. After getting questioned by the Bahamian Police, ship security and almost being thrown off the pier, L and I return.
Now we return to the group and continue to reduce ourselves to talking monkeys. L and I escorted each other to the bathroom for the majority of the evening, but I started to notice this guy at the bar looking at us each time we go past. I don't pay much attention to him though. Not until we're sitting there and I see him staring right at L (who happens to be sitting on my lap). I catch his gaze and proceed to stare him down until he looks away. I forget about it and go back to killing brain cells. A few minutes later the guy comes up to me and starts the following conversation:
Him: Do you have a problem with me and my friends?
Me: Huh?
Him: I said, do you have a problem with me and my friends?
Me: No. Should I?
Him: You stared at me a minute ago like you had a problem.
Me: Yeah, 'cause you were looking at the girl I'm with.
Him: blah blah blah ('cause I can't remember that part)
Me: Look, man. I'm freakin hammered and I got pissed 'cause you were looking at her and blah blah blah
Him: blah blah blah *nodding* *pats me on the shoulder and walks off*
Me:...beer...
So he ends up sending over this mammoth pitcher of something as an "oops, my bad". I check it first to make sure it's ok for L to drink. I think I drank all but 1 cup myself.
*I got nothing until...*
I wake up the next morning feeling like death warmed over. I check to make sure I have both kidneys and they weren't removed by some black market smuggler. Shower, vomit, dress, go outside on the deck for breakfast with the others.
As I try to avoid throwing myself overboard so that I can cure my hangover with the sweet, sweet embrace of the sea, and a never-ending sleep; my friends stop talking as a guy walks by us and says "Hello". They all look at me and, as usual, I have nothing. They ask me if I know that guy. "Ummm, not so much."
Them: "That's the guy you were about 2 seconds away from getting into a fight with last night at the bar."
Me: "Really? Cool."
Them: "um, do you know who he is?"
Me: "Francois from France. I dunno, who?"
Them: "That's the Cruise Director."
Me: ".................shit."
And I think good old "Francois" knew what they were telling me, because he smiled at me when I looked at him. I gave him the good old "what's up?" nod and went back to trying not to die.
I spent the rest of the cruise avoiding Francois and making an ass out of myself in other situations (which are different stories all together), but that's one of the good stories that always gets brought up whenever I see people from high school.
My friend Jason likes to reminisce about how that night he was helping me get up the stairs to leave (the bar was downstairs and appropriately named "The Drop-off") and I walked, no, slammed right into a wall and just shrugged it off like it was nothing. My friend Jim likes to remind me of the shot of malt vinegar I took because it was slid in front of me and I was told it was bourbon.
Ahhh, memories.
What they don't tell you in the brochure is that you may see some jerkass either getting into a drunken fight with the elevator or about to get an ass whooping from a huge guy for making fun of his wife/girlfriend at comedy show.
D
So let's start it off with one of my greatest hits (because it had the potential to be an international incident):
Ah, it was the summer of 1996 and I had just graduated high school. We were all going on our senior cruise to the Bahamas. The ship was called "The Fantasy", I now call it "The Debauchery". There were only about 25 of us total (grads and chaperones), and no one was old enough to give a damn about what we did. The oldest was a 20-something sister if that tells you anything.
Any-hoo, we're on our 2nd night and in Freeport for the entire night, so we have the opportunity to go bar hopping. And boy did we.
I started the evening off easy in a small group, just trying every beer on the menu; not over doing it or anything. A little later on, another group of us joined in at the bar we were at and in that group was a girl (referred to as "L") from another school that I was particularly fond of. We all sat around and chatted and drank and drank...and drank, until L decided we needed to take two of our friends back to the ship as they were way too shit faced. So we do. After getting questioned by the Bahamian Police, ship security and almost being thrown off the pier, L and I return.
Now we return to the group and continue to reduce ourselves to talking monkeys. L and I escorted each other to the bathroom for the majority of the evening, but I started to notice this guy at the bar looking at us each time we go past. I don't pay much attention to him though. Not until we're sitting there and I see him staring right at L (who happens to be sitting on my lap). I catch his gaze and proceed to stare him down until he looks away. I forget about it and go back to killing brain cells. A few minutes later the guy comes up to me and starts the following conversation:
Him: Do you have a problem with me and my friends?
Me: Huh?
Him: I said, do you have a problem with me and my friends?
Me: No. Should I?
Him: You stared at me a minute ago like you had a problem.
Me: Yeah, 'cause you were looking at the girl I'm with.
Him: blah blah blah ('cause I can't remember that part)
Me: Look, man. I'm freakin hammered and I got pissed 'cause you were looking at her and blah blah blah
Him: blah blah blah *nodding* *pats me on the shoulder and walks off*
Me:...beer...
So he ends up sending over this mammoth pitcher of something as an "oops, my bad". I check it first to make sure it's ok for L to drink. I think I drank all but 1 cup myself.
*I got nothing until...*
I wake up the next morning feeling like death warmed over. I check to make sure I have both kidneys and they weren't removed by some black market smuggler. Shower, vomit, dress, go outside on the deck for breakfast with the others.
As I try to avoid throwing myself overboard so that I can cure my hangover with the sweet, sweet embrace of the sea, and a never-ending sleep; my friends stop talking as a guy walks by us and says "Hello". They all look at me and, as usual, I have nothing. They ask me if I know that guy. "Ummm, not so much."
Them: "That's the guy you were about 2 seconds away from getting into a fight with last night at the bar."
Me: "Really? Cool."
Them: "um, do you know who he is?"
Me: "Francois from France. I dunno, who?"
Them: "That's the Cruise Director."
Me: ".................shit."
And I think good old "Francois" knew what they were telling me, because he smiled at me when I looked at him. I gave him the good old "what's up?" nod and went back to trying not to die.
I spent the rest of the cruise avoiding Francois and making an ass out of myself in other situations (which are different stories all together), but that's one of the good stories that always gets brought up whenever I see people from high school.
My friend Jason likes to reminisce about how that night he was helping me get up the stairs to leave (the bar was downstairs and appropriately named "The Drop-off") and I walked, no, slammed right into a wall and just shrugged it off like it was nothing. My friend Jim likes to remind me of the shot of malt vinegar I took because it was slid in front of me and I was told it was bourbon.
Ahhh, memories.
What they don't tell you in the brochure is that you may see some jerkass either getting into a drunken fight with the elevator or about to get an ass whooping from a huge guy for making fun of his wife/girlfriend at comedy show.
D
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
And the nominees are...
There has been slight discussion as of late about when you can update your "List". Some say it's acceptable to alter it on your birthday and on New Years. Other parties, who are more stead-fast and less prone to having obsessions, say only on your birthday. I ain't at that party.
But, since it's already past New Years and still several months away from my birthday, I can't update it at all. So I figured I'd do a little research and let you know who may be joining those I deem worthy enough to be on my list... or who I'm just praying would happen to be in or around Statesboro and slumming it up bad enough to she me some love (or pity).
And remember, it's not cheating because I haven't made anything official. Ha! Although I did just realize I only have 3 on my list, so I have the right to add 2 more to it. Hmmmm... now to have them pillow fight to see who makes it on there...
(Thanks to Blogger, here's a haphazard guide to who's here. They kept jumbling the shit out of everything and I got pissed off and tired of adjusting everything.)
Jennifer Finnigan, Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar, Jewel Staite, Lisa Loeb, Morgan Webb, Stacey Scowley, The U. of Texas cheerleaders, Evangeline Lilly, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Erica Durance, & Sarah Chalke.
But, since it's already past New Years and still several months away from my birthday, I can't update it at all. So I figured I'd do a little research and let you know who may be joining those I deem worthy enough to be on my list... or who I'm just praying would happen to be in or around Statesboro and slumming it up bad enough to she me some love (or pity).
And remember, it's not cheating because I haven't made anything official. Ha! Although I did just realize I only have 3 on my list, so I have the right to add 2 more to it. Hmmmm... now to have them pillow fight to see who makes it on there...
(Thanks to Blogger, here's a haphazard guide to who's here. They kept jumbling the shit out of everything and I got pissed off and tired of adjusting everything.)
Jennifer Finnigan, Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar, Jewel Staite, Lisa Loeb, Morgan Webb, Stacey Scowley, The U. of Texas cheerleaders, Evangeline Lilly, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Erica Durance, & Sarah Chalke.
D
Enough is enough and it's time for a change!!
All right. I've been accused of doing some pretty bad, tasteless, classless, disgusting, retarded and downright despicable things in my life (granted I have done most of those); but this is just too much. I will not stand for this kind of libel that drags my already sullied name though the muck.
Who am I kidding? Of course I will. I'm an attention whore and I welcome, no, relish it. I wallow in this kind of self-indulgent, good natured ribbing. I kinda get off on it.
So, henceforth, let it be known that I welcome any and all references to me in just about any form or fashion. My only stipulation: Don't paint me any worse of a tragic human being than I am already willing to do.
So knock yourselves out.
P.S. (this is what part of the alphabet would look like with no "Q" or "R")
Anyone know who I quoted for the title? Chris cannot answer.
D
Who am I kidding? Of course I will. I'm an attention whore and I welcome, no, relish it. I wallow in this kind of self-indulgent, good natured ribbing. I kinda get off on it.
So, henceforth, let it be known that I welcome any and all references to me in just about any form or fashion. My only stipulation: Don't paint me any worse of a tragic human being than I am already willing to do.
So knock yourselves out.
P.S. (this is what part of the alphabet would look like with no "Q" or "R")
Anyone know who I quoted for the title? Chris cannot answer.
D
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Life imitates art...or is it the other way around?
Holy shit. I think that they're really running out of ways to keep me from finding out about "Screw Big, Dumb American" now. But if I see myself on TV, I'm gonna stroke out.
WE’RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO LIVING “THE RUNNING MAN”
D
WE’RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO LIVING “THE RUNNING MAN”
D
Friday, January 13, 2006
This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, "Don't eat the big white mint".
The following may not be suited for members of the audience without a "Y" chromosone. But it may provide a little insight (or at least humor).
Man, I'd hate to be one of the last couple of guys to come into the john here:
Man, I'd hate to be one of the last couple of guys to come into the john here:
I'd hold it and wait for another one to open up, to adhere to the "Unofficial Rules of the Men's Room".
Never heard of the "Unofficial Rules of the Men's Room"? You're probably a girl then. Or you're a guy who seriously needs to be brought up to speed on the Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for guys in a fucking hurry, 'cause you've probably been violating them with abondon.
The "Unofficial Rules of the Men's Room" (as told by Derek and subject to change by Derek):
- Never use a urinal directly next to another guy. Even if there are seperators. Always leave a buffer urinal or go to the next available stall. It's also ok to wait for one to open up if you feel someone will be done quickly.
- ALWAYS look straight ahead. Never ever ever look at the guy next to you. For fuck's sake DO NOT look down and over. Some places are kind enough to put sections of the sports page directly in front of your face. If not, feel free to look at the booger collection on the wall. Anything to keep you looking straight ahead. Also, feel free to add a contribution to the booger exhibit as well. Fine art is appreciated.
- Do not try to engage in conversation with anyone else in the bathroom, especially if you don't know them. If you do know them, it better be important. At the very least, wait until one of you gets finished and goes to wash his hands. Then it is acceptable to attempt to talk to one another. But it's best just to wait until you're both out.
- If someone rips a really good one, there should be nothing said except a form of congratulations, admiration or laughter. Chances are, you just ripped one too or are about to. It's a freakin' bathroom for Christ's sake. That's what it's there for so you don't do it at the table with girls. It's best just to laugh so you don't violate the above.
- Don't tell someone they forgot to wash their hands. You sound like a girl and they already know and don't care. Hopefully they've learned to piss without pissing all over themselves. Let's just hope everyone's considerate enough to rinse them off at least. UNLESS it's someone who works there, then tell them to wash their hands. Be sure to wash your own hands while you're at it.
And as with any set of rules, any and all of these can be broken when alcohol is present or every male there is completely hammered. All bets are off then. Except the looking forward rule. That one stays. But at that point you should be looking down to make sure you're not pissing all over everything...if you even care.
Did I leave one out? I feel like I did. Lemme know what it was and I'll add it in.
D
So that's one positive thing Ashton Kutcher's done...
Huh.
Gotta say that I was really surprised last night by Beauty & The Geek 2. I gave it a shot because the commercial made me laugh. It showed one of the geeks introducing himself and saying that he made greeting cards, and then he showed the one for if a girl cheats on you: "Outside: I hope you're happy... Inside: Because you ruined my life you bitch." Ahhhh...a classic.
I was also kind of pleasantly surprised at how it wasn't a dating show. Both sides are there to learn from one another to help improve themselves in areas they are lacking in. I think you can pretty much guess which areas the Geeks are lacking and the Beauties as well. Although there is always the possibility of romance (highly unlikely), it's about far more than that. It's about genuinely trying to help each other get over whatever hangup they have personality-wise.
So despite my ongoing feud with Ashton Kutcher, I'll continue to give B&TG2 the nod for Thursday nights @ 9:00 until I get bored or find something better.
Plus it doesn't hurt to have a bunch of good looking girls on the show every week:
Gotta say that I was really surprised last night by Beauty & The Geek 2. I gave it a shot because the commercial made me laugh. It showed one of the geeks introducing himself and saying that he made greeting cards, and then he showed the one for if a girl cheats on you: "Outside: I hope you're happy... Inside: Because you ruined my life you bitch." Ahhhh...a classic.
I was also kind of pleasantly surprised at how it wasn't a dating show. Both sides are there to learn from one another to help improve themselves in areas they are lacking in. I think you can pretty much guess which areas the Geeks are lacking and the Beauties as well. Although there is always the possibility of romance (highly unlikely), it's about far more than that. It's about genuinely trying to help each other get over whatever hangup they have personality-wise.
So despite my ongoing feud with Ashton Kutcher, I'll continue to give B&TG2 the nod for Thursday nights @ 9:00 until I get bored or find something better.
Plus it doesn't hurt to have a bunch of good looking girls on the show every week:
D
Thursday, January 12, 2006
It's not quite "12 Angry Men"...
But I'll be sequestered in my apartment this weekend. Kept far removed from all friends and family for the majority of the time.
Or I can think of it as being quarantined along with the dog due to a severe case of "lackoffundsitis". You may have had this once or twice before, so I think you know what kind of terrible pain I'm going through:
-Missing out on college hockey in Savannah
-Missing out on seeing some good friends in Savannah
-Celebrating a good friend's impending birthday...in Savannah
-Enjoying the nightlife and revelry of the bar scene...in...Statesboro (ha! gotcha!)
So, due to my body over-exerting itself late last month when I got paid early and most certainly did NOT have "lackoffundsitis", I'll be relegated to hearing about the good times had by all sans me.
I plan to try and salvage the weekend by watching the entire 1st season of Scrubs, playing the hell out of Star Wars Battlefront, possibly drinking the cheapest beer that the 'Boro has to offer (I mean it, I may find and drink the cheapest beer here and see if I live to tell about it), sleeping, and whatever else I can think of that doesn't require money.
So, to all of you who are off to do something other than what I'm doing: have fun, be safe and PISS OFF!!
D
Or I can think of it as being quarantined along with the dog due to a severe case of "lackoffundsitis". You may have had this once or twice before, so I think you know what kind of terrible pain I'm going through:
-Missing out on college hockey in Savannah
-Missing out on seeing some good friends in Savannah
-Celebrating a good friend's impending birthday...in Savannah
-Enjoying the nightlife and revelry of the bar scene...in...Statesboro (ha! gotcha!)
So, due to my body over-exerting itself late last month when I got paid early and most certainly did NOT have "lackoffundsitis", I'll be relegated to hearing about the good times had by all sans me.
I plan to try and salvage the weekend by watching the entire 1st season of Scrubs, playing the hell out of Star Wars Battlefront, possibly drinking the cheapest beer that the 'Boro has to offer (I mean it, I may find and drink the cheapest beer here and see if I live to tell about it), sleeping, and whatever else I can think of that doesn't require money.
So, to all of you who are off to do something other than what I'm doing: have fun, be safe and PISS OFF!!
D
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Goodbye! Me am Derek. Bad to meet you!
Do you ever wonder if there's a Bizarro version of yourself out there somewhere?
*Sigh* Yes, I just watched the "Bizarro Jerry" episode of Seinfeld. What's your point?
Anyways, like I was about to say: I sometimes wonder if there's a Bizarro Derek out there. Maybe someone who looks similar to (but not exactly like) me and does the exact opposite of the things I usually do, or maybe he does look exactly like me and may not always do the same things I do (but he's not necessarily evil).
Then there's the good old fashioned "doppleganger" that will scare the ever-living shit out of you:
"Somewhere, in a parallel universe, your evil twin exists. Identical to you in every physical attribute, its mind is twisted, evil and hell-bent on destruction; it is everything you are not. Occasionally a doppelganger stumbles upon a portal into our universe, and there are many twins living quietly among us, their powers weekend by the Earth. However, if by chance your twin should cross your path and make eye contact with you, his evil will be unleashed."
Ummmmmm...I'm gonna have to go back to the Bizarro Jerry type so that I can sleep tonight.
Let's see....Bizarro Derek:
Doesn't drink much. Picture of perfect fitness. Does very well with the ladies. Very successful (maybe locally famous). Drives a sports car. Doesn't even know who "Bizarro" is. Doesn't watch much TV. Looks down on geeks and nerds. Has a cat. Went to Furman. Not all that funny. A Republican.
Damn! Bizarro Derek is an asshole. He's the kind of guy Regular Derek, I mean "I", would punch in the face.
But with my luck, I have the friggin' evil-as-Hell, Bizarro Derek that wants to destroy the universe. And he'd probably have cool superpowers. Man, he's an asshole too!
D
*Sigh* Yes, I just watched the "Bizarro Jerry" episode of Seinfeld. What's your point?
Anyways, like I was about to say: I sometimes wonder if there's a Bizarro Derek out there. Maybe someone who looks similar to (but not exactly like) me and does the exact opposite of the things I usually do, or maybe he does look exactly like me and may not always do the same things I do (but he's not necessarily evil).
Then there's the good old fashioned "doppleganger" that will scare the ever-living shit out of you:
"Somewhere, in a parallel universe, your evil twin exists. Identical to you in every physical attribute, its mind is twisted, evil and hell-bent on destruction; it is everything you are not. Occasionally a doppelganger stumbles upon a portal into our universe, and there are many twins living quietly among us, their powers weekend by the Earth. However, if by chance your twin should cross your path and make eye contact with you, his evil will be unleashed."
Ummmmmm...I'm gonna have to go back to the Bizarro Jerry type so that I can sleep tonight.
Let's see....Bizarro Derek:
Doesn't drink much. Picture of perfect fitness. Does very well with the ladies. Very successful (maybe locally famous). Drives a sports car. Doesn't even know who "Bizarro" is. Doesn't watch much TV. Looks down on geeks and nerds. Has a cat. Went to Furman. Not all that funny. A Republican.
Damn! Bizarro Derek is an asshole. He's the kind of guy Regular Derek, I mean "I", would punch in the face.
But with my luck, I have the friggin' evil-as-Hell, Bizarro Derek that wants to destroy the universe. And he'd probably have cool superpowers. Man, he's an asshole too!
D
Headlines and Whatnot
Chuck Farleston- Not as informative as the real headline, but much catchier.
Dawgs' Bravado- Not real news, just real fun.
'Four Kings' NBC's latest Thursday dud- Yet another reason to bring back 'Committed'!!!!!
Porn stars strut their stuff at awards- I bet airing this gets pitched in just about every idea meeting for struggling networks.
D
Dawgs' Bravado- Not real news, just real fun.
'Four Kings' NBC's latest Thursday dud- Yet another reason to bring back 'Committed'!!!!!
Porn stars strut their stuff at awards- I bet airing this gets pitched in just about every idea meeting for struggling networks.
D
Friday, January 06, 2006
Move over Sports Illustrated
Maybe I should subscribe to the Modern Drunkard Magazine. It's certainly more fitting than S.I. at this point.How could I not want a magazine that has "You know you're a drunkard when:"
-TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.
-Your favorite bar is four blocks away- six blocks coming back.
-Alcoholism doesn't run in your family- it takes its own sweet time.
-To you "Last call!" sounds just like "Please don't leave! We love you and your charming wit!"
-You forget how pants work.
There's also reviews, sports, advice, comics and more!
Plus they have a freakin' convention!!! I've found a new Mecca. Ok, so this year I hit Dragon Con first, and then The 3rd Annual Modern Drunkard Convention.
Only problem is it's $24 for 6 issues. Hmmm...maybe for now I'll just stick with the webpage. And ask for the magazine subscription for my birthday.
D
I resovle to never resolve anything ever again.
I had to come up with something else for the title since I already used "In brightest day, in blackest night..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't bother with making any resolutions for the new year. What's the point? I'm probably not gonna keep one for more than a few weeks at best. So why bother setting one at all?
Well...maybe I do have one. Actually I do. Thus the writing of this post. You wanna know what it is? Do ya? Do ya, huh huh? Aw, come on sure ya do.
And I tried to think of a really funny or witty way to relay it to you, but to no avail. The best I could come up with was by playing Charades or Pictionary. But try as I might, I just couldn't figure out how to convey those through blogging. That, and only like 1 person I know would be able to get it by playing Charades or Pictionary. So...
"Willpower."
There. That's my simple (somewhat) New Year's resolution. To have more willpower.
Because that one thing can cover a broad spectrum of other things really: to run more, to eat less, to eat better, to stand up for myself more, to communicate better, to save money instead of spending it, to cuss less, to blog more, to blog better things, to play with the dog more, to call my mom more, to drink less (a little less anyways), to finally take clothes to Goodwill, to quit daydreaming of punching people in the face while standing right next to them, to be a better person over all...all of that can fall under having more willpower. And that's what I need.
So if you happen to hear me muttering the Green Lantern oath to myself, pay me no attention. Well,unless I'm sitting in the corner rocking back and forth or something, then pay me a little bit of attention.
D
Plus, that'd increase my chances of getting a kick-ass Green Lantern ring to work. *sigh* A geek can dream right?
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I didn't bother with making any resolutions for the new year. What's the point? I'm probably not gonna keep one for more than a few weeks at best. So why bother setting one at all?
Well...maybe I do have one. Actually I do. Thus the writing of this post. You wanna know what it is? Do ya? Do ya, huh huh? Aw, come on sure ya do.
And I tried to think of a really funny or witty way to relay it to you, but to no avail. The best I could come up with was by playing Charades or Pictionary. But try as I might, I just couldn't figure out how to convey those through blogging. That, and only like 1 person I know would be able to get it by playing Charades or Pictionary. So...
"Willpower."
There. That's my simple (somewhat) New Year's resolution. To have more willpower.
Because that one thing can cover a broad spectrum of other things really: to run more, to eat less, to eat better, to stand up for myself more, to communicate better, to save money instead of spending it, to cuss less, to blog more, to blog better things, to play with the dog more, to call my mom more, to drink less (a little less anyways), to finally take clothes to Goodwill, to quit daydreaming of punching people in the face while standing right next to them, to be a better person over all...all of that can fall under having more willpower. And that's what I need.
So if you happen to hear me muttering the Green Lantern oath to myself, pay me no attention. Well,unless I'm sitting in the corner rocking back and forth or something, then pay me a little bit of attention.
D
Plus, that'd increase my chances of getting a kick-ass Green Lantern ring to work. *sigh* A geek can dream right?
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I should have bowled with the gutter bumpers on...
All righty then. Let's see what the damage was. Original post is below. GREEN means I picked a winner. RED means I screwed the pooch. Any additional comments in BLUE under the originals.
GMAC
UTEP (8-3) vs. Toledo (8-3)
Mike Tice is taking the Miners to another bowl game, but I haven't seen them play this year and I have seen Toledo play pretty well on TV.
TV= good.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas
BYU (6-5) vs. California (7-4)
I never pick the stormin' Mormons. Golden Bears it is.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State (6-5) vs. Navy (7-4)
Gotta pull for former Georgia Southern coach, Paul Johnson.
Yeah, the triple option doesn't work in I-A.
Fort Worth
Kansas (6-5) vs. Houston (6-5)
I don't know jack about either program this year. First instinct was for Houston, but then I changed to Kansas because I haven't picked a team on the left side yet, but then changed my mind back to the Cougars because you should always go with your first choice, right? So, Jayhawks it is. I bet this one comes back to bite me in the ass.
Phew! I was surprised as Hell about that one.
Sheraton Hawaii
Nevada (8-3) vs. UCF (8-4)
George O'Leary taking UCF to a bowl game after last year's 0-11 season? Shit yeah, pull for them. Might as well pick them too.
Damn it! I knew that streak couldn't last forever. At least it was close and made me look good.
Motor City
Memphis (6-5) vs. Akron (7-5)
Come on, people! It's the Zips!
The Zips got zapped. I totally forgot about that bad-ass back that Memphis has. He went apeshit on Akron.
Champs Sports
Clemson (7-4) vs. Colorado (7-5)
I just flipped a coin and it landed on its edge...so, um, Colorado to try and salvage the season after stumbling at the end and firing Rick Neuhiesel?
Stupid coin. Stupid hopeful logic.
Insight
Arizona State (6-5) vs. Rutgers (7-4)
I don't care if Rutgers is feeling great for getting in a bowl game. That aint enough to beat the Sun Devils.
I was a little pissed at the Sun Devils in the 1st, but got over it after a lot of beer and the final score.
MPC Computers
Boise State (9-3) vs. Boston College (8-3)
I like the Broncos and all, but I think I have to give this to ACC battle-tested Boston College instead.
Good thing I decided not to give it to the Broncos even though they were playing on that stupid, blue turf.
MasterCard Alamo
Michigan (7-4) vs. Nebraska (7-4)
I think this is the first time that the Alamo Bowl has had 2 historically good programs in it at the same time. Too bad they both suck this year. I guess I think the Wolverines suck a little less this year.
They said it best on Sportscenter when showing that 35 minute clip of Michigan's last ditch lateral-fest of a play: "This is what Michigan football has come to."
Emerald Bowl
Georgia Tech (7-4) vs. Utah (6-5)
Screw Tech. Go Heels!
Ha ha. This one was just out of spite really. I got lucky.
Pacific Life Holiday
Oregon (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (7-4)
I'm sorry but I'm picking Oregon just out of my love for any team with a duck as the mascot. The fact that they finished 2nd in the PAC 10 doesn't hurt. And I don't like Oklahoma (sorry JR).
Damnit damnit damnit! Frickin' Sooners! The Ducks made me look like a quack. Sorry.
Gaylord Hotels Music City
Minnesota (7-4) vs. Virginia (6-5)
Not sure what happened to the Golden Gophers after the great start they had, but I'll give them the nod in this one. Oh, and: Heh heh.."Gaylord"
Gah! Now I know what happened to the stupid Gophers: they started sucking ass.
Vitalis Sun
Northwestern (7-4) vs. UCLA (9-2)
Whatever. The Bruins having both a male and female mascot running around the sidelines at games almost cost them this one. But one of the Josie mascots is kinda cute. Joe & Josie Bruin it is.
Sweet! Brittany didn't make me look like an ass like most girls do.
Independence
South Carolina (7-4) vs. Missouri (6-5)
Spurrier got his 'Cocks to beat Florida and Tennessee this season and a bowl game? Sure, stick with 'em.
You have GOT to be kidding me...
Chick-fil-A Peach
Miami (9-2) vs. LSU (10-2)
This game's almost win-win just for the match up. But LSU couldn't do me the favor of beating UGAy for SEC title, so screw the Bayou Bengals.
Son of a bitch! They can't beat UGAy, but they can beat Miami? Damn. And after I blasted my dad for changing his pick to Miami after picking LSU. Serves us both right, I guess.
Meineke Car Care
South Florida (6-5) vs. NC State (6-5)
*yawn* Wha? Huh?
Ummm, yay? I picked the winner of the Snoozer Bowl. Greeaat.
AutoZone Liberty
Tulsa (8-4) vs. Fresno State (8-4)
This is the Bulldog team that took Southern Cal to the limit earlier...and then lost to Nevada and La. Tech. I guess it just depends on which team decides to show up.
Apparently it was the latter. Assholes.
EV1.net Houston
TCU (10-1) vs. Iowa State (7-4)
TCU is 10-1. Good enough for me, 'cause I don't really care.
Still above .500. Barely.
AT&T Cotton
Texas Tech (9-2) vs. Alabama (9-2)
Jesus! How many freakin' bowl games are there? I'm still picking these damned things? You're still reading this? Well, I'll make Michael happy and say "Roll Tide!"
Heart palpatations... Labored breathing... Barely won (again). But hey, a win's a win.
Outback
Iowa (7-4) vs. Florida (8-3)
What the Hell is a Hawkeye? A bird? An eye? A bird's eye? I know that Hawkeye is an Avenger, but this isn't Clint Barton. *chomp* *chomp*
If Iowa had a guy named Clint Barton on their team I woulda picked them. But they didn't. And Florida did have Chris Leak who showed the world how much Ingle Martin sucked.
Toyota Gator
Louisville (9-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)
Ooooooooooh. This ought to be good 'un. A real shoot out if things go well. I'll make Kelley happy with this one and pick the "there's actually no such things as" Hokies.
And indeed it was a good 'un.
Capital One
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Auburn (9-2)
I'm sorry, but I appear to have left my "give a damn" in the car. 2 kind of disappointing teams this year really. Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers. Tigers? Yeah, we need them.
Frickin' Badgers! Damnit!
Tostitos Fiesta
Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2)
Please, please, please, God let the Irish win. Mostly so I can rub it in my dad's face because I know he's going to pick those stupid nuts.
Turns out my dad picked ND because he said that every time he roots against them they win, so he was gonna try reverse psychology on 'em. I said that was dumb. I can hear him laughing at me from 2 hours away.
Nokia Sugar
West Virginia (10-1) vs. Georgia (10-2)
I will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER pick UGAy to win anything. If it took them winning to keep me alive, I'd die a happy man knowing that I screwed them over.
I don't care if that was the only game I picked right all day, it would still be a good day.
FedEx Orange
Penn State (10-1) vs. Florida State (8-4)
Let's finish off JoePa's semi-miraculous season with a BCS Bowl Game win, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen...the world's longest BCS bowl game. They wanted to keep playing until JoePa and Bobby were in their 80's.
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
USC (12-0) vs. Texas (12-0)
For the love of God, please let Mack Brown have made a deal with the Devil to finally have his Longhorns be the team to shut Nick Lachey and the rest of the poser USC fans the Hell up! I bet Vince Young wouldn't give two shits about not winning the Heisman if he wins a BCS Championship (notice I didn't put National Championship).
Yeah, Buddy! Hook 'em 'Horns!!
Well, now let's tabulate the scores here and see what we have.
*beep* *beep* *boop* *beep* *boop* *beepity* *boop*
16-11. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. At least most of the ones I lost were close. And I would have been 17-11 had I cranked this out before Southern Miss vs. Arkansas State. I think everyone but 7 people at Arkansas State picked Southern Miss for that one.
Thus ends another bowl season of me screaming at the TV, calling guys who play their hearts out "assholes", kicking myself for picking a team just because their mascot is a duck, trying to undermine my dad's confidence in his picks, getting screwed by the officials, getting screwed the football gods, getting screwed by my own stupid allegiances, and cheering for anyone who's playing against UGAy. It's been a good season.
D
GMAC
UTEP (8-3) vs. Toledo (8-3)
Mike Tice is taking the Miners to another bowl game, but I haven't seen them play this year and I have seen Toledo play pretty well on TV.
TV= good.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas
BYU (6-5) vs. California (7-4)
I never pick the stormin' Mormons. Golden Bears it is.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State (6-5) vs. Navy (7-4)
Gotta pull for former Georgia Southern coach, Paul Johnson.
Yeah, the triple option doesn't work in I-A.
Fort Worth
Kansas (6-5) vs. Houston (6-5)
I don't know jack about either program this year. First instinct was for Houston, but then I changed to Kansas because I haven't picked a team on the left side yet, but then changed my mind back to the Cougars because you should always go with your first choice, right? So, Jayhawks it is. I bet this one comes back to bite me in the ass.
Phew! I was surprised as Hell about that one.
Sheraton Hawaii
Nevada (8-3) vs. UCF (8-4)
George O'Leary taking UCF to a bowl game after last year's 0-11 season? Shit yeah, pull for them. Might as well pick them too.
Damn it! I knew that streak couldn't last forever. At least it was close and made me look good.
Motor City
Memphis (6-5) vs. Akron (7-5)
Come on, people! It's the Zips!
The Zips got zapped. I totally forgot about that bad-ass back that Memphis has. He went apeshit on Akron.
Champs Sports
Clemson (7-4) vs. Colorado (7-5)
I just flipped a coin and it landed on its edge...so, um, Colorado to try and salvage the season after stumbling at the end and firing Rick Neuhiesel?
Stupid coin. Stupid hopeful logic.
Insight
Arizona State (6-5) vs. Rutgers (7-4)
I don't care if Rutgers is feeling great for getting in a bowl game. That aint enough to beat the Sun Devils.
I was a little pissed at the Sun Devils in the 1st, but got over it after a lot of beer and the final score.
MPC Computers
Boise State (9-3) vs. Boston College (8-3)
I like the Broncos and all, but I think I have to give this to ACC battle-tested Boston College instead.
Good thing I decided not to give it to the Broncos even though they were playing on that stupid, blue turf.
MasterCard Alamo
Michigan (7-4) vs. Nebraska (7-4)
I think this is the first time that the Alamo Bowl has had 2 historically good programs in it at the same time. Too bad they both suck this year. I guess I think the Wolverines suck a little less this year.
They said it best on Sportscenter when showing that 35 minute clip of Michigan's last ditch lateral-fest of a play: "This is what Michigan football has come to."
Emerald Bowl
Georgia Tech (7-4) vs. Utah (6-5)
Screw Tech. Go Heels!
Ha ha. This one was just out of spite really. I got lucky.
Pacific Life Holiday
Oregon (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (7-4)
I'm sorry but I'm picking Oregon just out of my love for any team with a duck as the mascot. The fact that they finished 2nd in the PAC 10 doesn't hurt. And I don't like Oklahoma (sorry JR).
Damnit damnit damnit! Frickin' Sooners! The Ducks made me look like a quack. Sorry.
Gaylord Hotels Music City
Minnesota (7-4) vs. Virginia (6-5)
Not sure what happened to the Golden Gophers after the great start they had, but I'll give them the nod in this one. Oh, and: Heh heh.."Gaylord"
Gah! Now I know what happened to the stupid Gophers: they started sucking ass.
Vitalis Sun
Northwestern (7-4) vs. UCLA (9-2)
Whatever. The Bruins having both a male and female mascot running around the sidelines at games almost cost them this one. But one of the Josie mascots is kinda cute. Joe & Josie Bruin it is.
Sweet! Brittany didn't make me look like an ass like most girls do.
Independence
South Carolina (7-4) vs. Missouri (6-5)
Spurrier got his 'Cocks to beat Florida and Tennessee this season and a bowl game? Sure, stick with 'em.
You have GOT to be kidding me...
Chick-fil-A Peach
Miami (9-2) vs. LSU (10-2)
This game's almost win-win just for the match up. But LSU couldn't do me the favor of beating UGAy for SEC title, so screw the Bayou Bengals.
Son of a bitch! They can't beat UGAy, but they can beat Miami? Damn. And after I blasted my dad for changing his pick to Miami after picking LSU. Serves us both right, I guess.
Meineke Car Care
South Florida (6-5) vs. NC State (6-5)
*yawn* Wha? Huh?
Ummm, yay? I picked the winner of the Snoozer Bowl. Greeaat.
AutoZone Liberty
Tulsa (8-4) vs. Fresno State (8-4)
This is the Bulldog team that took Southern Cal to the limit earlier...and then lost to Nevada and La. Tech. I guess it just depends on which team decides to show up.
Apparently it was the latter. Assholes.
EV1.net Houston
TCU (10-1) vs. Iowa State (7-4)
TCU is 10-1. Good enough for me, 'cause I don't really care.
Still above .500. Barely.
AT&T Cotton
Texas Tech (9-2) vs. Alabama (9-2)
Jesus! How many freakin' bowl games are there? I'm still picking these damned things? You're still reading this? Well, I'll make Michael happy and say "Roll Tide!"
Heart palpatations... Labored breathing... Barely won (again). But hey, a win's a win.
Outback
Iowa (7-4) vs. Florida (8-3)
What the Hell is a Hawkeye? A bird? An eye? A bird's eye? I know that Hawkeye is an Avenger, but this isn't Clint Barton. *chomp* *chomp*
If Iowa had a guy named Clint Barton on their team I woulda picked them. But they didn't. And Florida did have Chris Leak who showed the world how much Ingle Martin sucked.
Toyota Gator
Louisville (9-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)
Ooooooooooh. This ought to be good 'un. A real shoot out if things go well. I'll make Kelley happy with this one and pick the "there's actually no such things as" Hokies.
And indeed it was a good 'un.
Capital One
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Auburn (9-2)
I'm sorry, but I appear to have left my "give a damn" in the car. 2 kind of disappointing teams this year really. Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers. Tigers? Yeah, we need them.
Frickin' Badgers! Damnit!
Tostitos Fiesta
Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2)
Please, please, please, God let the Irish win. Mostly so I can rub it in my dad's face because I know he's going to pick those stupid nuts.
Turns out my dad picked ND because he said that every time he roots against them they win, so he was gonna try reverse psychology on 'em. I said that was dumb. I can hear him laughing at me from 2 hours away.
Nokia Sugar
West Virginia (10-1) vs. Georgia (10-2)
I will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER pick UGAy to win anything. If it took them winning to keep me alive, I'd die a happy man knowing that I screwed them over.
I don't care if that was the only game I picked right all day, it would still be a good day.
FedEx Orange
Penn State (10-1) vs. Florida State (8-4)
Let's finish off JoePa's semi-miraculous season with a BCS Bowl Game win, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen...the world's longest BCS bowl game. They wanted to keep playing until JoePa and Bobby were in their 80's.
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
USC (12-0) vs. Texas (12-0)
For the love of God, please let Mack Brown have made a deal with the Devil to finally have his Longhorns be the team to shut Nick Lachey and the rest of the poser USC fans the Hell up! I bet Vince Young wouldn't give two shits about not winning the Heisman if he wins a BCS Championship (notice I didn't put National Championship).
Yeah, Buddy! Hook 'em 'Horns!!
Well, now let's tabulate the scores here and see what we have.
*beep* *beep* *boop* *beep* *boop* *beepity* *boop*
16-11. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. At least most of the ones I lost were close. And I would have been 17-11 had I cranked this out before Southern Miss vs. Arkansas State. I think everyone but 7 people at Arkansas State picked Southern Miss for that one.
Thus ends another bowl season of me screaming at the TV, calling guys who play their hearts out "assholes", kicking myself for picking a team just because their mascot is a duck, trying to undermine my dad's confidence in his picks, getting screwed by the officials, getting screwed the football gods, getting screwed by my own stupid allegiances, and cheering for anyone who's playing against UGAy. It's been a good season.
D
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
More bars and more irritations in more places...
I fucking hate Cingular.
There. I said it. Well, again anyways.
I fucking hate Cingular and think about switching every other day, I just never get around to it. The fact that they just put up a new tower about 200 yards away from my apartment does help them a little bit, but it's one commercial that they have that gets me all sentimental and makes me forget about how much I loathe them. Temporarily.
You may have seen what I now refer to as "my commercial." The one where at the end of the first date (I'm assuming) the girl tells the guy "I'll call you later" and they proceed to show him in different situations being "that guy" who constantly checks his phone to see if she's called (i.e., me).
In the shower: "Ooooh! Someone's calling! Crap, not her. Damn you, Larry."
On the bike: "Dang, no new messages that I might have missed since the last time I checked 5 minutes ago."
In the bar: Just flat out off in La La Land not paying a damned bit of attention to his friends.
But when she does call, he does the celebratory "Yes!" and everything is right with the world.
Yeah, that's my commercial. Which after typing this all up, is really just a sad, sad commentary on and condensation of my entire love life.
Shit. Now I really fucking hate Cingular.
And I actually found a longer version of the commercial here.
D
There. I said it. Well, again anyways.
I fucking hate Cingular and think about switching every other day, I just never get around to it. The fact that they just put up a new tower about 200 yards away from my apartment does help them a little bit, but it's one commercial that they have that gets me all sentimental and makes me forget about how much I loathe them. Temporarily.
You may have seen what I now refer to as "my commercial." The one where at the end of the first date (I'm assuming) the girl tells the guy "I'll call you later" and they proceed to show him in different situations being "that guy" who constantly checks his phone to see if she's called (i.e., me).
In the shower: "Ooooh! Someone's calling! Crap, not her. Damn you, Larry."
On the bike: "Dang, no new messages that I might have missed since the last time I checked 5 minutes ago."
In the bar: Just flat out off in La La Land not paying a damned bit of attention to his friends.
But when she does call, he does the celebratory "Yes!" and everything is right with the world.
Yeah, that's my commercial. Which after typing this all up, is really just a sad, sad commentary on and condensation of my entire love life.
Shit. Now I really fucking hate Cingular.
And I actually found a longer version of the commercial here.
D
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Jail free in '05!
Whew! Man, that was a looooong holiday vacation. And a looooong time to not be posting. I really think I went through withdrawals at one point, complete with the shakes and everything. Of course that could have been from the 11 day bender that I went on. Yeah, 11 days. In a row. Of drinking. A shit-load. My liver is crying.
So, cirrhosis aside; it was actually a pretty uneventful vacation. Got a few cool things (bought by myself with gift cards), saw some old high school friends, learned of a possible impending high school reunion, got my XM satellite radio hooked up by DK, and stayed out of jail (surprisingly). AND, I didn't make an ass out of myself on New Year's! That was the coup de grace to the whole thing really.
So now I have to catch up on everybody, and figure out a few new posts of my own. Never fear, I have a few in mind.
Until then, I bid you a happy New Year.
D
So, cirrhosis aside; it was actually a pretty uneventful vacation. Got a few cool things (bought by myself with gift cards), saw some old high school friends, learned of a possible impending high school reunion, got my XM satellite radio hooked up by DK, and stayed out of jail (surprisingly). AND, I didn't make an ass out of myself on New Year's! That was the coup de grace to the whole thing really.
So now I have to catch up on everybody, and figure out a few new posts of my own. Never fear, I have a few in mind.
Until then, I bid you a happy New Year.
D
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