'Tis the season to be jorry. Farr rah rah rah rah, rah rah rah rah.

If you don't get that reference, then something is very wrong with you and you have no sense of Christmas Spirit. Or, you've just never seen one of the all-time classic Christmas movies. Another being this one. The shitter's full!

So it's that time of year again. The time when I start getting aggravated at everything. TV, radio, malls, stores, elevators, people, the internet, everything. You name it, I hate it. It seems that every year, the world starts shoving Christmas down my throat earlier and earlier. It's not even Thanksgiving yet for Christ's sake, and already all I see around me is Christmas stuff! I suppose next year I'll be hearing about Santa when my birthday rolls around. *cough* September 3rd *cough*

You see, I don't really have the greatest sense of Christmas Spirit. So, I kind of do and don't hate Christmas at the same time. And I think I know why. Pretty much every year about this time I've been very unhappy. Relationships, family problems, work, money, and other stuff helped cause this. So I've always had something to be unhappy about when everyone else was all jolly (or jorry). So I was just envious of everyone who was happier than me, instead of just trying to be happy myself.

But not this year. This year I'm actually feeling some of that good, old Christmas cheer. Some of, not a ton mind you. I'm working my way up. REALLY happy people still freak me out.

But this year I have a lot to be happy about: Family and friends, the dog, new job, decent money (although X-Mas will negate that shortly), good health, The Girl Waaaay Out of My League , etc... So this year, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas and am making a conscious effort to turn from my Grinch-ish ways and have a good holiday. And the fact that The Girl is a Christmas junkie helps a little bit too.

So even though it's not even December yet, I'm looking forward to Christmas. And not the part where I get presents. Wow, imagine that. I'm actually more looking forward to the giving of presents. And trying to decide what I'm gonna get everyone is actually kind of fun for once. I already have a triple-option for The Girl that I'm waiting to put into motion.

I just wish that I could afford presents for everyone. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't feel bad if you don't receive one from me. I'll make it up some how. Probably with booze.

So if you see me walking around with a smile on my face during December, don't worry. I haven't lost my mind or anything. I'm just feeling some of the Christmas spirit. Or I've been in the Christmas spirits. But if you see me in a Santa suit, run. At that point I may have completely lost my shit and probably have a few severed heads in the sack.

So, Merry Christmas (even though it isn't even Thanksgiving yet)!

D

Passing the time by...taking tests?!?!!

Your Pimp Name Is...

Macktastic Bling

What's" Your Pimp Name?

Yeah, so I was reading another blog and decided to click on the link that was for some of those online personality tests. You know the ones. We've all taken about 37 of 'em. And I decided to take some more today to kill a little time. And apparently to find out a lot of things about myself that I already knew. Well, except my pimp name.

The results are in:
I would be Italian food, my funky inner hair color is pink, Tommy Lee and I have the same interest in music, my life is an Indie movie, I'm a shy kisser, an Au Natural seducer, somewhat Machiavellian, my rejected crayon color is Flu Phlegm Green, I was a mute poet who lived in Austria and died of Typhoid fever, my ideal relationship is marriage, I'd be a Butterfinger, I'm a passed out kind of drunk, the "keys to my heart" was only off by 1, I'm a frickin' Emo rocker, my power animal is a shark & my past animal life was a polar bear, the "How I am in love" is dead on, my heart color is blue, my personality is a Guardian (SJ), the sleeping position one was dumb, my inner child is surprised, I'm a margarita, I act like I'm 21, I'm a simple thinker, I'm not afraid to lay around resting my hand in my pants, my superhero name is (not) "The Blonde Ricochet" and I can speak to animals, my power color is Teal, I'm a peperoni pizza, my pimp name is "Macktastic Bling", my daddy is Arnold Schwarzenegger (but I call him "Pa" and he takes me to Disney Land), I am not scary, my kissing purity score is 37%(Pure), I should have gone as a Girl Scout for Halloween, and my mood ring is light purple.

That's enough. I'm all personalitied out.

D

Thank You for Being a Friend.

Yes! A Golden Girls reference!

No, there's nothing wrong with me. That I know of. But I just wanted to take a second to tell my friends "thank you." I could have taken the time to send individual emails or call, but you guys know me, I like to blog and be overly dramatic. And I figured that pretty much all of my friends blog now and would see this at some point. So don't take it personal if this gets generalized, you all know what I mean when I say this.


This may seem kind of weird, but I just wanted to take a second to let you know what a good friend you are to me. You’ve been there for me when I needed it, and I only wish I could have been there more for you when you needed me. I know we’re probably not as close to each other as we used to be, but you’re like a sibling to me. And I just wanted to let you know that. I know life gets in the way of a lot of things sometimes; but always remember that when you need me, I’ll be there.


So that's that. If you haven't done so in a while, take a second to tell your friends how much they mean to you. And don't worry about me, I'm good. I think I know how you all feel about me. So you can skip me if you want.

I need beer. Too bad it's 11:00am and I'm at work.

D

Dear Santa; Give me what I want, and I'll give you the antidote to the poison I put in your milk. Love, Derek

Well, Scott went and made today’s post a ton easier. Thanks, Scott. So instead of trying to think of something clever to write, or how I could avoid writing about how good it’s going with The Girl Waaaay Out of My League (that’s all you get); alls I have to do is come up with my Christmas List. Dang, this was always hard for me. Hard to narrow it down I mean.

My Super-Fantastic (and surprisingly boring) X-Mas List: (The abridged version)
TV on DVD (my new crack):
Sports Night
Batman: The Animated Series
Family Guy: Volume 2, Season 3

Books:
Dispatches from the Tenth Circle: The Best of the Onion
The Complete Calvin & Hobbes
The whole “Graphic Novel” section at Barnes & Noble

Gifts I can only get from the Sugar Momma (or Daddy) that I haven’t gotten yet:
Super, freakin’ sweet computer
Tivo
iPod
Plasma TV

Gift Certificates (my gift of choice to others):
PetsMart
Barnes & Noble
Gallop’s
Wal-Mart/Target
Old Navy

That was kind of painful, having to leave off everything I want. Actually, you guys can't really get me what I really want for Christmas. I have to earn that for myself. And NO it isn't dirty. Sheesh.

Now, I just have to figure out how I’m gonna pay for everyone else’s gifts.

D

I laugh because it's true...well, sort of.

I have recently re-discovered my long lost love of The Onion.

Most of you are probably already familiar with this wonderful piece of print/internet/whatever. Not familiar? The best definition of The Onion probably comes from Wikipedia: "The Onion is a newspaper of parody and satire, published weekly in print and on the Internet." Or you could say that it's fake news akin to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but you read it instead of watching.

How can you not love stories like Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death (not a Highly Sophisticated Redneck), Couple Upstairs Going At It Again, or even Area Man Training For Upcoming Sanford And Son Marathon (hits close to home, I know).



So, if you've never read The Onion before and you're not a tight-ass, give it a shot. You'll probably like it. Read it before and forgot about the parody goodness? Go back for some more. Do it. Do it now.

D

Hell, sometimes it's almost a look into the future: Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related.

It's great to be an Eagle!

So it's Tuesday morning and I'm still relishing, no, revelling in the fact that we beat Furman on Saturday. So what? I can do what I want. And I want to show pictures:





































I figured that I needed to add some content. So I decided to kill 2 birds with one post, type some words and show some pictures of Furman sucking.

More words:
Furman, sucks, tremendously, purple, pansies, butt-whooping, losers, not, number, one, any, more, suck, & it.

I think that may have gotten some of it out of my system.

D

I just saved somebody's life!

Well not really, but maybe. I just wanted to be able to say that once in my life.

I just gave blood. They're having a blood drive here at school and I signed up yesterday. Never have gotten to donate before, usually because of me getting a tattoo within 12 months of trying to donate.

Not this time. I was bound and determined to try and do it.

But the whole time I was thinking "what if they call me back later and are like 'there's something seriously wrong with your blood!'?" Or I find out that I have some blood disease or something?

But I'm pretty sure I'm cool. I guess they'll mail me something saying I shouldn't ever give blood again and go see a doctor if there is something wrong.

So if you can, give blood. 'Cause hey, everyone should get to feel like a superhero and save someone's life. Even if it's only for like an hour.

Plus, I got this funny sticker that says "It's my first time, be nice to me." I should make that into a t-shirt or something. That, and "I like to cuddle". I hear that works too.

D

Hall-o-weeeeeeeeee-n!

Or something like that.

Man, Halloween reminds me every year why it's probably my favorite "holiday". The fun, the parties, the random crap that happens, the pointing and laughing at me after the weekend is over. Kind of like the usual weekends, but with more candy and people dressing up.

Like me. And, boy did I out do myself this year. I went through several ideas for costumes until Liz and I came up with the perfect one. I mean, Halloween is about letting your creative side out, right? Right?

So for those of you who weren't there to witness me degrade myself in person, or haven't heard yet; I went as a cheerleader. Probably the biggest and ugliest cheerleader in the history of cheerleading, excluding the ones in Athens. I can't top those.






Not so much this...












A little more like this.
(This pic is for effect. I'm not in there.)





So there I was freezing my pom poms off in a cheerleading outfit on a cold, nay a freakin' freezing, October night. Drunk as piss too (go figure). I figured that as long as I was dressed like a cheerleader, I might as well get drunk like one too. Hard and fast. So I hit the hunch-punch. Repeatedly. And often. So by a couple of hours into the party I was blitzed more than a crappy quarterback with a weak O-line.

I'm sure there will be pictures surfacing on the Internet soon from our beloved Scott (you sorry bastard), but I would prefer them not to. Please? Pretty please? I'll do a cheer or something for you.

Any-hoo, try to get back to doing something productive now that I may have mentally scarred you for life. You're welcome.

D

Kind of like I just took my first sip of a cold beer on a warm, sunny beach.

I feel good.

Man, it's been a while since I've actually said that. Well, sober anyways. But I really do feel good. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. You know what I mean?

I feel kind of revitalized. Just really happy and pretty comfortable with myself. I'm in a good spot in life right now. Good, new job. Lots of good friends. Money is coming in (just got my check). The dog and I are healthy. I met a girl.

Wait a sec. Yep. That's what I thought. It's that last one that I think put me over the top and made me really start to feel good. I knew I did before, but I think it was me feeling so good that helped out. Made me a lot more confident. I still have the whole "unhealthy body image thing", but I feel a lot more confident in myself now.

I guess that when I feel really good, I put off better vibes and that helps with the ladies. Not to toot my own horn here, but I think I may have more girls interested in me right now at once than I ever have before. And I think it's due to the whole "feeling good" thing. So I highly reccomend it to anyone. You feel good, then the girls/boys come a runnin'.

So I'm gonna keep trying to feel as good as possible and see how everything with said girl works out. And I'll try to refrain from talking about her, just in case things blow up in my face. 'Cause I think I can honestly say that she is easily one of the hottest girls I have ever met before. I mean it. I live in Statesboro for Christ's sake. But that's the problem, she doesn't. She lives like 5 hours away. I didn't wanna do the long distance thing again, but I'm gonna give it another shot for her. If it actually gets that far. So, let me back up and not put the cart before the horse. I'm just going to take it slow and not try to blow it if she is interested in me.

So, I'm gonna go home in a few and then go for a run on this beautiful day. Maybe that'll help me feel even better and help me out even more. You guys feel better too.

Later.

D

To be The Man, you gotta beat The Man!

While that IS the case in wrestling, it's not even close to being the case in college football. Well, I-A football really (I-AA has a clue and playoffs).

Apparently you don't even have to beat the best team in the nation to be considered "the best team in the nation."

The old rule of thumb actually used to be that the defending national champion was the #1 team in the country until they lost. Last I looked, USC hasn't lost in 29 games, that's about 2 and 1/2 years. So, if the Trojans haven't lost, then how can they not be the #1 team in the country? Because of the fucking (yeah, I said it) BCS.

Time and time again, the BCS has showed that it is a flawed system. Now, not every system is perfect; but come on! A computerized system that evaluates everything up to, and quite possibly the players' weight at birth; and we can't get it to work? Every year they claim there will be adjustments made. And there are. And every year there's something that goes wrong. Maybe it's an underdog or non-BCS school that comes in and runs the table. Or just too many undefeated teams that should be playing each other for the National Championship but aren't.

Either way, there's only one way to get a true National Champion: playoffs.

But that will never happen in I-A football. You know why? Money. And freakin' huge amounts of it. There's just too much to be made by the bowl games, schools, sponsors and on and on. So, due to greediness; you'll never see a true national champion in I-A. Hell, sometimes you don't even see the undefeated, defending National Champion as the #1 team in the country.

But that'll probably change by next week. And I'll have to wait and bitch about the BCS for another few weeks until something else happens.

D

How I spent my weekend or: I think I drank a third of the county dry by myself.

Ok. So I didn't completely fulfill my goal of "not remembering 48 hours of my life". It was really more like 16 or so. But I'm told I had a damned good time. And that's all that matters, isn't it?

I'm just happy that I remember how damned good Middleground sounded Saturday night. And that I have the funny memory of waking up at 5:45am Sunday morning half in and half out of the bathroom. And the dog just sitting there looking at me like I'm a freakin' retard. Again. And a win at Homecoming is always good too, even if you really don't remember it. Oh! And I remember meeting some girls in the parking lot of my complex and them asking me if I wanted to make out. Like any red-blooded, drunker than piss American; I said "Sure." But it never happened. Drunk girls are really easy to distract. Stupid dogs.

So all in all a very good weekend. Lots of beer, good friends back in town, drunk chicks, waking up in a funny place and lots more beer. Ah, another successful Homecoming.

D

Beer On!!!!

It's 2:00pm and I'm outta here. Time to get my drink on. It's 5:00 somewhere my ass. It's always "beer:30" for me.

Later.

D

Homecoming? I never left!

Ah, Homecoming. One of the most special weekends, or week actually, in all of college football season. The only weekend that compares to it in sheer school pride and drunkedness is the weekend you play your rival school. *cough* Furman swallows! *cough* Sorry, little something stuck there. Anyways, Homecoming is a joyous occasion where students show their love for their alma mater, see graduated friends from out of town, get piss drunk and verbally abuse the cream puff team that should have been scheduled for the Homecoming Sacrifice. However, it sucks huge donkey balls if your AD schedules a team that could possibly come in and steal a win and totally kill your buzz. But back to the fun and jubilation. Homecoming is about pride, pure and simple. Students and alumni show pride in their school. The football team shows pride for the school it plays for. And after a win, both sides show pride in the fact that they just drained the whole county bone dry of it's entire alcohol supply. Or two counties if you lose. Either way there's a lot of pride flowing through the streets.

So you may have guessed that it is indeed Homecoming here in the 'Boro. And you may have noticed I used a kind of theme if you will in my post. So you may get an idea that I will be showing my school pride in every slurred cheer I can muster, blatant disregard for my personal safety and that I will not remember a good 48 hours of my life after this weekend. So if you see me; be sure to raise a beer in salute to the Eagles of Georgia Southern University, keep me out of oncoming traffic, keep me away from any girls I do not need to be talking to (I'm serious. I wouldn't do that to you. Again anyways.), and check on me every now and then if/when I pass out. So, just like every other weekend I guess.

Go Eagles!!!!!

D

A.S.S.: They're Here to Save the Day... If They Don't Kill Each Other First.

Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday. But this weekend was really uneventful. Aside from me getting a pretty good drunk on last Friday night and my Eagles losing, nothing much happened.

And the fact that I am having too damned good of a time with my Liquid Courage blog doesn't help. I know that I'm prone to obsession very easily, but I don't think this is at all a bad thing. I'm getting a chance to develop the character more and do what I really enjoy: writing good material and planning to shoot another few episodes of A.S.S. Most of the time when people ask me what I want to be doing 5 years from now, I have no answer. But every time we get involved with A.S.S., I remember that THIS is what I want to do for a living.

One of the best parts has really been to watch the whole mythos of A.S.S. grow. It started out as just a couple of us screwing around making up stupid superhero characters. Then we made a short film and submitted it to Wizard for their film contest, to no success. But then it took off on it's own around Statesboro. (One time I walked into Dos Primos only to hear someone yell out "Hey! It's Liquid Courage!" I stopped dead in my tracks.) And then it took to the Internet too. Last we checked, there were like 476 downloads of the video. That's a number we weren't expecting. Then came the blogs. We farted around with the idea of doing it, and leave it to Chris to actually do it. That started the landslide of A.S.S. blogs, and now we're seeing them becoming actual superheroes in their own right. We get to do things we could never do on video, and also really develop and flesh out the characters.

So, I know I'm lovingly referred to as Liquid Courage sometimes, which is fine and dandy; but if you really want to experience LC in all his glory; as well as The Masked Mofo, The Reverend, The Slut, Pretty Boy Slim and Shit Kicker, just visit here. But remember that to get the full grasp of the A.S.S. universe, you have to read all the blogs and comments (I like to think that's where LC shines).

I hope it's entertaining. Happy reading.

D

Witness me lose "Man Points"

I'm probably gonna lose some "Man Points" for writing this short little piece, but I saw the above picture and the thought kept aggravating me until I decided to post it.

I like PDA's. Public Displays of Affection, not the Personal Digital Assistant (although I do like them. They help you organize.) Like I was saying, I like 'em. But I don't like the over the top, grossing everyone out, get a room type PDAs. I like the ones that you may only notice in glancing or cause you to say "I wish we did that". You know? Holding hands, a quick kiss, a quick goose, holding pinky fingers, winking, etc.. Those are all good.

In fact, those are one really big thing that I miss about being in a relationship. The little ways to let someone know you love them or are at least thinking about them.

So, now all you ladies (and guys too, I guess) know that there are some of us guys (now that I'm a lesser one for admitting it) out there who actually do enjoy some good PDA. Even if we don't admit it or groan about it when you do it. :)

And just to gross Kelley out: one of my favorite forms of affection, which is not a public one, is to touch my foot to one of hers in bed before going to sleep or in the middle of the night if I wake up. Shudder away Kelley.

D

In brightest day, in blackest night...

So I am totally geeking out today. Really I have been for the past few days. I cannot wait for 5:00 to come so I can go and get my new comics. It's mostly due to Infinite Crisis too. I'm stoked to see what happens, and what part some of my favorite comic book characters (Green Arrow & Green Lantern) play in this and how they're changed.

The build up for this has been huge. Some have labled this as what may kill DC comics as we know it, and some have speculated this will change things for the best. The only way to find out is to read, and I am practicly drooling over this. Issue #1 alone is supposed to have 98 different characters in it.

So I made it a point to tell Ted to have a copy of it in my pull box or die. So don't expect to hear from me tonight. Between reading comics, Lost and a phone convo with Chris; I'm booked for the evening.

Later.

D

See? It's like I have ESPN or something.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9619852/

Everyone is starting to figure out what I've been telling you guys.


D.

This John Cusack character would not have made my top 10 list.

Which John Cusack Are You?

Not exactly the John Cusack character I was hoping for. I was going for Martin Blank from Grosse Pointe Blank or maybe Lane Meyer from Better Off Dead. Let's try it again and see what happens:


Which John Cusack Are You?

Hmmmm...That came waaaaay out of left field. And I have nothing to say about the tuxedo part. Except: "Heh. Monkey suit." And I just remembered that I do have a pic of me in a tux. No one will ever see it.

Which John Cusack character are you?

D

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy...STOP!

So I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write about, or how to tie up everything from this weekend. More to the point, the fact that Scott almost hooked me up with a Miller Lite Girl. But I didn’t want to be the lonely, sappy guy writing about romance (or the lack thereof) and bring everyone down. But after reading one of The Waiter’s latest entries, I figured that now was as good a time as any to talk about said Miller Lite Girls and what a picky jackass I am.

Cut to scene: Dos Primos, Friday night, early in the evening (7:30/8:00ish), 5 of us sitting at a table next to the bar. I’ve already had a few big beers.

Jessica gets off the phone with Scott and lets us know that he’s coming up there…and bringing Miller Lite Girls with him. Jubilation occurs amongst the men at the table. I ingest a few more big beers.

Scott comes up there accompanied by 2 lovely ladies whose sole responsibility that night is to make people (including myself) drink Miller Lite, or at least more of it in my case. Not a hard job, I assure you. **Most of the people at the table would have been drunk off half the amount I had that night.**

Immediately, I lock my sights on one particular MLG. We’ll call her MLG #2. And after repeated use of a clever little name-remembering device, I feel that I am ready to (or at least drunk enough to) try and strike up an intelligent (or at least mildly entertaining) conversation with MLG #1 & #2. At this point I’m betting that you’re wondering how it went. Well me too. I mostly just remember being pulled aside and told that I should go after MLG #1 because she's cute and “our personalities fit more”. Shit. Does that just mean I don’t have a chance in Hell with the first one? Probably, but thanks for looking out for me anyways guys. So I think I spent the rest of the night talking with MLG #1 when she was at the table. And if the whole “our personalities fit more” thing was true, then I probably had a good time.

BUT, I’m gonna be the typical guy here and say that I really was more interested in MLG #2. And yes it was because I thought she was more attractive. And quite possibly because I was told I couldn’t have her. Whatever the reasons, I felt like a douchebag the next day when MLG #1 & #2 came to the tailgate, and I still felt the same way. #1 even started talking to me again by asking me if I remembered her or anything else from the night before. A note to all of you: asking me that question prompts instantaneous fear and anxiety in me, mostly because I don’t remember and am capable of most anything when drinking. I laughed and told her yes I did remember. And I even busted out my handy-dandy name remembering device. But still not interested (and I'm pretty sure #2 was even less interested in me at this point). Damn. There’s goes a shot at a Miller Lite Girl, and all because I’m too picky.

Sometimes I wish that I could just mix and match peoples’ traits. The physical beauty of one girl matched with the personality of another. Then I could just go ahead and make my perfect woman like a crazy, horny Dr. Frankenstein. But then I’d inevitably leave out some of the great quirks that make people who they are and that you fall in love with, all in the name of being superficial. Then I’d be stuck with a hot girl who is basically a sex-bot. It could be worse I guess.

So I guess I’ll keep trying to be picky and keep hoping that I’ll find my one and only someday. But until then, there’s always plenty of booze and amusing fantasies about having a sex-bot. That ought to keep us all entertained for a little while.

D









Somehow, I think if it had been these 2 Miller Lite Girls, I wouldn't have cared which one I ended up with.

randomorganization V2.0

Redesigning the page a bit. Pretty much because I have some free time on my hands right now. Bear with me por favor. And let me know what you think I should do, change or add.

D

Aye, for all the good it did me I might as well have shoved it up me arse.

Beer week.

Is it truly a beer week when Liquid Courage himself doesn't participate? I think not, kids. And when I say "participate" I don't mean my usual partaking of the nectar of the gods. Although I have partaken and accidentally got hammered the other night just sitting on the couch. What I meant was contributing to the beer-themed blogs written by Scott, Brad and Alison. So I decided to throw in my 2 cents with a little something I came up with the other night (while drinking). If this sucks, blame it on the mixing of some free Southpaw and another free beverage that I won't admit I drank.

How do you drink beer? There are several ways to insure that you'll be killing off brain cells and destroying random property in no time. Some are slower and ensure you'll have a fun time with your friends/relatives at that BBQ. And others are to ensure that you'll be as drunk as possible in as short a period of time before whatever event you will inevitably not remember. So below are several methods of consuming adult beverages (and we'll stick with beer for easier purposes), ranked from easiest to most difficult.

Sipping
The easiest and slowest of the group. The "baby steps" of the methods of drinking if you will. Once you master this, you're set to try another difficulty level. Although, sometimes you drink so much that you can't even take "baby steps" anymore (let alone walk) and are reduced to spilling all over your face and in the general direction of your mouth. This is when a friend or sponsor should step in, cut you off, and save innocent beers from having their young lives wasted by making new stains on your t-shirt.

Shooting
The close cousin to sipping. For the person who just can't wait that extra second or two to have that 1 ounce of beer get into their system. The only times that shooting beer are even remotely acceptable is when playing a drinking game a la quarters, chandeliers, power hour, the Family Guy Drinking Game, etc... If caught randomly shooting beer, you just look like a noob or a retard and should fully expect and accept any and all mockery.

Chugging
An advanced version of sipping, where you take in more of the beer in one "sip" and also consecutively without stopping. Or breathing. Most of the time chugging is seen outside of entrances to events, stadiums, or bathrooms when an individual deems it necessary to finish off whatever is left of their beer before endeavoring in whatever activity is to follow. Learning to chug is a necessary tool when one expects to participate in bar games or drinking games in general. For guys, the faster you can chug, the better chances of winning some crappy t-shirt at the bar or at least another beer that you get to taste and enjoy this time around. For the ladies, the faster you can chug, the more guys you will impress and add to your pool of admirers and those wanting to spend a little quality time with you. And the better I'll look to you in a shorter period of time. Drink up, ladies.

Shotgunning
This is very similar to chugging, but I gave it it's own section due to the sheer mechanics of having to shotgun. And it's best to do this at the beginning of a binge because it will involve a sharp object, and that never goes well at the end of having 14-15 beers. First, take a full, unopened can. Second; find a knife, awl, or anything sharp to poke a hole near the bottom of said can. Do not poke out an eye. Third; watch the spray come flying out (feel free to spray those around you) and immediately open the can, tilt both head and can back and begin to chug the beer without spilling it all over yourself. Try to at least. Optional ending: crush can and belch mightily.

Funneling/Beer Bonging
Usually reserved for trips to the beach, funneling/bonging has moved to the backyard and parking lots of the college town. A quicker way to ingest a beer or several beers while everyone stops what they're doing to watch you. Just think of Frank the Tank in Old School and you'll get what I'm going for here. Take funnel and hose, bend up the hose so the beer doesn't run straight out (I've seen this step left out only to end in disaster), add beer(s), wait for the head to dissipate, have accomplice hold said funnel above you (as to let Mother Earth's gravity aid in getting you smashed), then chug the hell out of it. Mandatory finish: blow the head out of the funnel like a trumpet. Then belch like noone's ever belched before.

Keg Stands
The top of the drinking evolutionary chain. If you want to bring an entire section of a good party to a stop just to chant for you to drink, this is your best bet. This is also the best way to try and start or re-start a party, as it gets others involved. Generally 4 people are needed, but 3 will do if you have a freakishly big or strong person on the team. 1 to drink, 1 to pump the keg every now and then, and 2 (or 1) to hold drinker's legs up so that he/she is completely upside down. Much like chugging, being good at keg stands can raise your status at a party, or even give you an in with people who might not have otherwise talked to you. The longer you can chug upside down from a nigh never-ending flow of beer, the better you look (and the better everyone else looks too). One extra difficulty with keg stands is knowing when to stop. Some people go until beer comes out of their noses and they choke. Some go until their leg holders can't hold them up any longer. And still others go on until world records are set and they get forcibly removed from the keg so that they don't drain it. For the guys: always, ALWAYS, try to out do the girls when it comes to keg stands. Forget the other guys, being shown up by a girl will start the questioning of masculinity. If you do lose to a girl, keep an eye on her. She may that special someone later on that night. BUT if you get challenged by a player from the women's rugby team: walk away.

So there you have it. An over-written explanation of how to drink beer. All this beer talk has made me have to pee, so I'll talk to you kids later.

D

Kind of like Jimmy Caan in "Misery"

So the new job allows me access to the Internet. Hooray!

However, there is a slight glitch in my goofing off plans: The school has a web filter/software thingamajig that restricts certain sites (entertainment, shopping, etc...) while you're online. It's called "Quota Time" or something. So you can go to the sites you'd like to, but you only have about 60 minutes or so total of time each day (I think) to go there. It runs in about 10 minute increments, so you had better make the best of every second when you're on whichever site is filtered. But at least it's kind enough to tell you ahead of time that the site you typed in is on their filtered list and how much time you have left. I guess it's to keep everyone all productive and stuff.

HOWEVER, I am still testing sites to see if they are snagged and so far some of my favorites are not. Like Blogspot! Cool beans.

So, it's not like I've been handicapped like Brad, but I'm still used to having a little more freedom Internet-wise. At least I get to go home every night.

D

Shameless and quick...just like pulling my pants down at El Sombrero the other week.

What I had up here before was a little too self-indulgent, so I took out the big section with all of my links in it.

I got a tad caught up in the wave of "Google Bombing" and wanting to be the number 1 search result for "Derek" on the Google Blog Search for "Derek". Who knew I could be so egotistical?

So I figured that I'd take the Jake approach to it:
"Here's what I need all of you with Web sites and blogs to do: throw a link somewhere that links the phrase "Jake Hallman" to jakehallman.com."

Except you should probably replace Jake's name and site with mine, naturally.

Thanks for any and all help. We'll see if this works.

Oh, and what I did in the title can be credited to my long distance, heterosexual lifemate, Chris. FYI.

D

Same Stuff, Different Place

First day on the job. And I'm doing one of the things I loathed about my previous job: calling students. I freakin' hate it. I seriously have ADD when it comes to making mass amounts of phone calls. I can get through several in a row before getting fed up and needing to do something else for a few minutes. I'm no telemarketer, but that is part of the job. So I have to deal with it.

Other than that, it's quite interesting (or comical). I don't really have an "office" right now. I was supposed to, and it was supposed to have been finished by now, but it "didn't benefit anyone to have it done", so I'm SOL. So for now, I'm in the old library all by myself. Which is kind of cool. No one else in here, so I can call a few times and then goof off a tad and then go back to calling...and then back to goofing off. You know how it goes. Apparently, this old library is going to be renovated soon and it will be where the new Admissions Office will be. It'll be nice I think when they're done. Guess we'll see.

Everyone I met has been super nice today (aren't they always on the first day?), and from what I hear; they really ought to stay nice. I did kind of receive an invitation to tour the "morgue" for Mortuary Science. Cool. I'll take them up on that. I think I get an official tour later on. But not today. It's the first day of classes for the quarter and things are crazy busy. And I have calls to make. Yay.


So I went to see Serenity last Friday. And to quote a friend, "if you haven't seen this movie yet, you're only doing yourself a disservice." It's that freakin' good. It's one of the few that I'd actually pay to go see again. Like, probably this weekend. I've already told several people they need to go see it and I'd go with them if they wanted. And Joss Whedon really wrote it well enough for anyone who'd never seen an episode of "Firefly" to still really enjoy the movie. I usually end up wondering what time it is or how much time is left in most movies I see nowadays, but this isn't one of those. I was tense and engrossed the entire time. I was actually kind of emotionally worn out when we were done. And the conversations that started after that! those were great too, as several of us already had vested interest in it from the show. So if you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favorite and treat yourself to one of the best movies of the year. Then you'll probably want to run out and pick up the entire series on DVD (there's only 13 episodes, so that's not bad at all).

So that's it for now. I may update some more later on amidst the ongoing calling.

D

Vacation: Days 2-5

Sorry. I know I said I'd probably be able to update everyday since I would have some free time on my hands...but I never got around to it. But never fear, for now I can try and catch you up on everything that happened. Not like anything exciting happened though.

Got off to a great start with the 2-a-day runnings. Monday and Tuesday went fine, but the last on Tuesday was a killer. After that, I noticed that I had pushed myself too hard. My legs were too damned tight to run no matter how much I stretched. So I had to lay off for a day or so. Did get to go running this morning though. I did notice that it was still extremely hard to run, but not because of my legs, I was just winded from the beginning. I know I'm out of shape and all, but I generally don't get winded like that until about the 2nd mile or so. This started in the beginning and caused me to walk a bit after every mile. Pissed me off a good deal too. Oh, Jessica asked how far I run, and it depends (weather, health, etc..). But it's usually (and I'm guesstimating here) 3 1/2 to 4 miles each time I go. But that's if I can finish. If not, usually about 2 1/2 to 3 miles.

Clean apartment? Check. Of course I only ever think it's clean for that first day...then it's dirty again.

Washed car? Check. Then the lawn maintenance guys came by and dirtied it up again for me. Thanks guys.

Caught up on my reading? Sorta check. Got through my Erk Russell book. Have yet to start The Dark Knight Returns.

Wash the dog? I brushed him. Does that count?

Experiment with how much I can drink in one day in the middle of the week? Surprisingly, no. Ran through the beer I had on Wednesday night and never got around to getting more.

Going to see Serenity Friday night when it opens. Check? I mean, I still plan to. So does that count as a check?

Waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to come and fix the ceiling fan, door weatherstripping and pest control? Check. And still waiting. Friggin' bastards are pissing me off.

So basically you get the idea that I had an entire week off and accomplished absolutely nothing. Which was kind of the point really. But I was really starting to just lose my mind with boredom for a while. Then I would conjure up something else to do to keep me occupied for an hour or so. So all in all, I'll probably never take another week off to do nothing. Hell, I'll probably never take another week off period, unless I'm headed somewhere really cool and worth the week. Sorry I had nothing great this time.

D

Vacation: Day 1

Ahhhhh. Vacation. I had forgotten what this was like.

It's already off to a good start: I got up early this morning to start my 2-a-day running. And that may have been the best run I've ever taken. I didn't get winded at all. It's because it wasn't 90-something degrees and humid as Hell. It was perfect. And the first mile (which I hate more than anything) was a piece of cake. So I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow morning's run. Now this afternoon's run...not so much. That 90-something degrees and humid as Hell...yeah, that'll be then.

I am on campus right now and just finished my HR exit interview, so that's the only blemish on the vacation so far. But I'm willing to over look it because I know I get to walk by the Office and keep going to my car. Unfortunately, it'll be straight to the new job's HR so I can pick up insurance stuff and then head back over to here to drop off the COBRA and other forms that I need to. Fun!

I realized that my "to do" list will probably be finished today or tomorrow since I'll be up so early and will have a lot of time on my hands. In fact, I started on it last night because I just couldn't wait to get started on the cleaning. I know, OCD. Girls find it endearing at first, then just plain annoying.

And I am glad to report that I remained drama free this entire weekend. No new disasters were caused by me, or because of me. And my team is now sitting at .500, and hopefully ready to rattle off another 7 wins in a row. Go Eagles!

That's just a quick update of what I have right now. But I may be able to update every day here in the library if I do indeed get bored enough to walk over and check email and whatnot. We'll see.

D

Fin.

So it's my last day at work. And here I am hard at work. Oh so hard at work as you can see.

I have one of 2 exit interviews in a few hours and will get the full "I'm so disappointed in you" in person from my boss. Whatever. If I wasn't treated like an indentured servant for the last few months, then I might care a little. But I don't. The other exit interview with HR isn't until Monday. So I have a few days to decide if I want to blast my bosses on my way out, or just be happy with how pissed they are that I'm leaving right now in the middle of the season. Probably the latter.

Then I have to turn in everything that I was ever given to use for work (ID, calling card, office key, nametag, computer, etc...) so that I don't go around posing as an employee. I think that I've had quite enough of posing as an employee around here, thank you very much. Don't think I'll be doing it on my time off. But, turning in that shite will allow me to go around campus and visit people I haven't seen in a while and most importantly stay out of the office and possibly leave early to get my drink on. ****ATTENTION! Anyone in or around Statesboro should come to The Hat to see me get extra wasted tonight. Starting at 5:00 (or earlier). That is all. ****

So today I spend my time cleaning out my office, getting teary eyed from saying goodbye to those I care about, and swiping as much stuff as I can. I think I deserve some "going away gifts" from the office. When the hell am I ever going to go out and buy some nice pens or Post It Notes? I use those damned things like I own stock in 'em.

I do have next week off before starting my next job, so I find myself trying to think of things to do to keep me occupied. I unfortunately can't pull a Brad and go off on a great vacation before starting the new job, so I'm stuck with hanging around the 'Boro. So far I have come up with a few things to keep me occupied for the next week:

• Cleaning the apartment (over and over)- for those of you who know me, that's a given.
• Washing the car
• Running twice a day (hopefully)
• Renting some movies/games from Blockbuster
• Going to see Serenity when it opens on Friday.
• Washing the dog- that will take all day.
• Experimenting with how much I can drink in one day in the middle of the week.
• Getting my comics on time on Wednesday

And that's about all I can think of. Anyone got any suggestions? That'll only take up a few days out of the whole week, so I may be kind of bored.

Well, that'll do it for this update. I'll probably add some other things later though. OH! I almost forgot, since I have no access to a 'puter at home, I'll either have to sneak into the library to post and check on everyone or wait a week until I start at the new place. Just FYI.

D

Fruit basket turn-over

Sorry if this kind of comes and goes style-wise and/or just seems spotty at best. I'm watching TV and typing during commercials/the shows.


Ah, Fall. I love the fall and all the things that come with it: college football, girls returning to the 'Boro, and all the new shows on television. It's that last one that I'm gonna cover for a bit until I run out of things to say.

The new Fall line-up is a great and troubling thing of beauty. All the new shows that get cranked out to peak my interest and the return of some old favorites. It wouldn't be a problem if all the ones I wanted to watch came on at different times from each other, but I'm not that lucky. Instead, I have to try and pick between a new show that I think I might enjoy and the ones that have won me over in the past. I know, my life is so hard.

Formulating a plan to combat this onslaught of entertainment is tricky at best. I'm almost having to flip a coin to decide which ones to watch. However, I'm pretty much going with an hour long show if it's matched up against a half-hour one. I figure that the networks are more likely to show the half-hour ones again later, rather than the hour long ones. Logical enough, right?

It's just having to decide between genres or even actual actors that makes it hard to decide. Do I feel like a comedy or sci-fi? Really can't go wrong with either one. Mark Harmon or David Boreanez? It's a pick 'em. And having to figure out what comes on when is a pain in the ass too. Shows getting moved to another day and time, or new shows being thrown into an old shows' time slots.

I suppose that in the next few weeks I'll have my picks and settle into my nice, little routine (since I won't have to work nights any more); but I do so miss my old one. I knew exactly what was coming on, slid into my butt-groove on the couch and immersed myself in some good, old boob-toobery. But for now, it's weeding out all the shows that don't make the cut and establishing my new starting rotation. All I know is I need like 6 TVs, each with Tivo. ;)

D

Old favorites:
Lost
NCIS
Scrubs
Smallville
Justice League Unlimited

New potentials:
My Name is Earl
Supernatural
Bones
Threshold

The dearly departed:
Angel
Committed
Firefly

Yar!

Avast ye land lovers or I'll keel haul 'ya!

So I heard on the radio while I was driving up here (Fayetteville, GA) that today is national "Talk Like a Pirate Day". Hmmm. So today is the day when I would not sound so utterly ridiculous firing off my usual "yar!" to punctuate something. I swear I actually do it. I even called and left a pirate-style voicemail for a friend the other day.

I've even been involved in a discussion with said friend on what pirates prefer to be called. We decided that "pirate" is not the proper nomenclature, that they prefer "nautical bandit". And that it is highly offensive to them to be singled out as the unwelcome ones at movie theaters. You've seen the anti-pirate stickers, the ones with the pirate and the red circle and slash through it. It's really sad that discrimination is still present in our society. Those poor cargo transport specialists.

Then there's the whole pirates vs. ninjas debate that has raged for eons. I strongly back the pirate party. So the ninjas are stealthy, deadly, mysterious and dress in all black. Whoopity-doo. Pirates are loud, really freakin' deadly, scare the shit out of their victims and dress like they raided a Broadway dressing room. PLUS, those guys are all about the rum and booty. How can you not love guys that are all about rum and booty?

How do you not take this job??? http://forums.g4tv.com/messageview.cfm?catid=74&threadid=482620

So something is severely wrong with me then. I kind of came to terms with that a while back actually, but sometimes you have to admit it to others to begin the recovery process.

Ninjas or pirates?










<--- Cheap ploy to get at least 1 guranteed "pirate" vote.







D
"Ninja, please."

Helpless.

There's not much more that I can think of to make you feel so utterly helpless, as when your school's athletic team (ie, football) is losing. Especially when you're accustomed to winning. A lot.

So when my team is now currently 1-2, I don't know what to think. Do we have a good team that just can't get it together? Are we just too young across the board? Is this really a rebuilding year? Will THIS loss snap us out of the funk and get us back on the right track?

Then there's the blame game. There's always got to be someone to blame, right? Some people are blaming the coaches and some are blaming the players. It's hard not to try and blame someone, but who's to blame really? Ill advised play calling and lost fumbles will both cost you the game.

But I'm trying to remain optimistic. In 2000 we started 1-2 (losses to UGA and Delaware) and ended up winning the national championship. But we're a very far cry from that team in 2000.

Hey, I said I was "trying" to remain optimistic. I'll still be there this Saturday and scream myself hoarse again just like 2 weeks ago.

D

GO EAGLES!!!!

So...THIS is what causing the apocolypse feels like.

Main Entry: pa·ri·ah
Pronunciation: p&-'rI-&
Function: noun
Etymology: Tamil paraiyan, literally, drummer
1 : a member of a low caste of southern India
2 : OUTCAST
3: Derek in the Office now.

The main update you've all been waiting for: I got the job.

Not what I was hoping for financially, but it will allow me to finally come off the road (where I am right now as a matter of fact) and be able to function as a member of society at home. No more missing out on things, neglecting friends, leaving the dog for weeks on end, etc...

But, I'm having some serious mixed emotions right now. Happy, sad, excited, depressed and a little numb. I feel it all.

Just got off the phone with the boss' boss. Having to try and explain why I'm leaving now and tried to kind of hide the fact I was doing it really wore me out. I hate that kind of conversation/confrontation. And knowing that I'll be leaving an incredible group of people behind sucks, and the fact that I may be dooming some of them to what I was supposed to do in the next few weeks is killing me too.

So I'm pretty torn up inside right now...but I have to try and remember why I'm leaving in the first place: to do what is best for ME. Which isn't something that I do a whole lot. Which may be why I'm having such a hard time with this.

So I'll go back in the office and face the awkward questions and offer my awkward answers. I'll fully expect to be shunned for the most part because I'm leaving "at the worst possible time". And I'll even face any consequences that result from my decision. I just have to remember who I'm doing this for:
Me.
And him:













Thanks for the crossed fingers and all.

D

Telegrams are cool. STOP.

Don't have much to say right now, so I thought I'd do it akin to a telegram...but without all the "STOP"s. Insert them as you wish. :)


Back in office this week. Next week on the road again. And again after that.

Interview in 1 hour.

Getting a tad nervous now. Good nervous, not bad. Helps me out in interviews and public speaking sometimes.

Interviewing at "lunch" and running work errands afterwards so as not to arouse suspicions.

Will hopefully post an update below this (in blue) after the interview is done. Once I get a definite answer...will let you know.

Interview over. Only about 45 minutes long. Very comfortable. Well, as comfortable as an interview can be really. They are going to try to have an offer out to their selection ASAP.

That is all.

D

I will hopefully be a catagory 4 this weekend.

On the road in the Hotel lobby right now. Kind of killing time until they finish cleaning my room (God I love coming back to an spotless room every day!) and putting off running in the exercise room for a little while.

I can't believe that I have completely forgotten to throw any kind of content on here for the past couple of days, but that's what happens when you spend a lot of time driving around looking for schools and doing college fairs until 8:30/9:00 at night.

So, I'm in Tampa right now. It's actually a pretty great city: lots of good schools, several comic book shops, kickass football stadium, lots of strip clubs, couple of Petsmarts, etc... Just wouldn't want to live here because of the hurricanes. Speaking of which, I was dreading coming down here on Monday because of Katrina. Didn't know what to expect really. But the weather was absolutely beautiful for the first 2 days and only sporadic crappy rain yesterday and today. So not bad at all.

Speaking of Katrina: holy shit. I was just kind of oblivious as to how bad it was actually going to be before I left. Just kind of focusing on my own crap. It wasn't until I got here and started to see the aftermath on TV that I saw how bad she wrecked everywhere she went that I really saw how lucky I am. I've heard someone on TV say "This is our tsunami", and that's true. The amount of misery that is happening all over the Gulf Coast is scary. I have to constantly remind myself of how good I actually do have it: a stable job, place to live, my health, my friends, family and dog, etc... So when we start bitching about something, just remember exactly how much worse it could be right now.

As to not end on a crappy note, a small update on Job #2:
Got a call from the HR department at Job #2 the other night (right before the college fair too), and they were trying to set up an interview (whoo hoo!). For Thursday afternoon. The exchange was something like this:
D: "Um, I'm in Tampa right now."
HR: "Really? I'm from Clearwater!"
D: "Really? That's cool. But I don't think I'll be able to make that interview time."
HR: "Oh. I guess not, what with you being in Tampa and all."
D: "Um, yeah. Well, how about Friday afternoon? I'll be back by then."
HR: "Well, the committee won't all be there on Friday."
D: "Oh." (Well, shit.) "Well, how about Tuesday?"
HR: "Yeah, we can probably do it on Tuesday afternoon. I'll let you know."
D: "OK."

Nothing really funny or exciting, just a little more aggravating to me since I told my potential boss I wouldn't be back until Friday afternoon (and he won't be there). Just sucks to have to wait until Tuesday, but at least I have them scheduling me for an interview. See? Ending on a positive note. Keeps those fingers, toes and eyes crossed for me on this. But keep your prayers (if you do that) and thoughts with those who need them much more than I do.

D
Ready for some football, Georgia Southern Eagle football that is! And booze. Lots and lots of booze to drown the memories of me getting closer to 30. No offense.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. Or Just More Hassle.

I think this pic says it all. Not that I'm not busy enough here in the office, now I'm finishing up my travel/work schedule for the Fall. And I have exactly 1 full week in the office until just before Thanksgiving. 1. One. Uno. Ein. Un. Fucking one. So that's about 9 or 10 full weeks on the road. There are 4 weekends ruined by having to leave or work on a Saturday or Sunday. I am seriously thinking about quitting here and now without having another job lined up. But I just can't do it right now. But I sooooo want to. This is freaking me out. And do I get any compensation for this? No. Mostly because the school didn't have any foresight.

AND, I found out the other day that I know someone who may be a direct competitor for the other job I so desperately want. Fucking awesome.

I remember watching Spiderman 2 in the theaters. And I remember sitting there thinking to myself "Jesus. He is just constantly being shit on." And that's about how I feel. Getting all the shit and none of the cool spider-powers.

Sorry to bitch, but I just had to get that out. Nowadays, this is about all I can think about and it's just eating me alive from the inside.

Hope all is well with you guys. I'll post something whitty/funny/insightful/cheery when (and if) I can.

D

Work Sucks.

I'm not dead and I PROMISE I'm not purposely ignoring anyone. I'm just freakin' swamped with work. I have been for a while now and have no clue when I'll have some extra time at the computer. Rest assured, when I can; I'll post some mini-reviews, new updates and I WILL get to Scott's fantasy football. But for now; keep on crossing those fingers, eyes and toes for me on the "new job fiasco." Still haven't heard anything, but I'm constantly knocking on wood and hoping it goes my way. Don't get me started on how much I'm ready to leave...I have to miss a home game this year for this crap. A night game to boot!

Peace in tha Middle East.

D

At Running Back, number 34.... Tyrone Biggums!

So I watched some of the Bears - Dolphins game last night. Some of it. The second half really, because I hate pro football and just wanted to see Adrian Peterson play.

But while I was watching, they kept showing Ricky Williams (of course) and doing interviews with him. And I realized something: It's all jsut a PR stunt by the Dolphins. They didn't really get Ricky Williams back; they just put a crazy, homeless man in a jersey and let him run around on the field for a couple of plays.

'Cause that's exactly what Williams looks and sounds like now: a crazy, homeless man. God, I wish I could have found a pic of him last night.

I'm almost tempted to watch more Dolphins' games just to see what philosophical crap he'll spout off next. Last night he had a gem like (and I paraphrase): "I traveled all over the world last year to find myself, only to realize that I was still right here inside myself."

Um, yeah. Me too, buddy. Me too. Apparently Ricky used an ass-load of weed to try and find himself and got really fucking lost along the way. It was probably like a big ass Where's Waldo puzzle to him at that point.

So, in the words of Lawrence Taylor: "Which brings me to my second point, kids. Don't do crack."

D

Randomness Abound!

Sorry, not the "personal ad" just yet. I'm still working on that. In fact, I may just change that to the "Do's and Don'ts of Dating D". (Alliteration is nice)

But I do have a few random observations/comments:

1. Nothing like finding out a show you really liked didn't get renewed by seeing one of the stars in a commercial for a new show on another network. Apparently, Committed didn't make the Fall line up for NBC. I was watching something on CBS when I saw a commercial for their new show Close to Home. Jennifer Finnigan (Marni on Committed) was the lead. In the words of Dr. Evil: "Shit." It's kind of like the surprise you get by coming home to find out your girlfriend has moved out and taken most of the stuff. Well, not exactly, but those of you who now me know that I take my TV seriously and I can make that comparison.

2. 33 days until the college football season starts. Well, by my standards anyways. I usually go by the 1st Saturday when teams start playing. Sept. 3rd to be exact. My birthday. So one of my presents needs to come in the form of a "W" in Boston.
And I'm still working on getting my copy of NCAA 2006. I didn't buy 2005, so I won't feel gipped by the lack of updates. I'll just be happy to play as Georgia Southern.

3. Part of the reason that I don't have the "personal ad" ready to go is I got caught up reading Blankets by Craig Thompson last night. I read the first half without even realizing it. So that killed a few hours and halted progress on the ad. It may even be pushed back another day, 'cause I gotta finish Blankets tonight. It's so damned good.

4. Almost messed up here and posted something about some potential "employment opportunities" that are arising. But I don't want to be specific, name names or jinx anything. So I'll be cryptic for now. Just cross your fingers and toes for me, and hope everything works out. I am.

5. I'm thinking of starting my own little review section (hopping on the bandwagon, I know). Just kind of doing mini-reviews. I can't begin to pull off the kind of great stuff that Scott cranks out. So it may just be about any movies or TV shows I watch, or any books or graphic novels I read. Short ones. About 3 paragraphs or so (1. Description, 2. Review & 3. Prognosis/Recommendation). How's that sound? Of course, it all depends on time availability.

6. Sportscenter is doing their 50 States in 50 Days right now. They hit Georgia on August the 9th. They'll be at Turner Stadium for the Giants-Braves game. I wonder if they'll mention "The Real 6 Flags Over Georgia" or not in their little coverage of the state. We'll see.



















I had more, but I forgot 'em. I'll update later if I remember.

D

Bonus Round!

I can't wait. Already have plans to see it with a friend opening night in Savannah.

Trailer 1
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/serenity/

Trailer 2
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/serenity/trailer_2/

This gives me an idea...Trailer of the day! Or Random Trailer Wackiness! Or something. Aw, Hell. Just look to the right. ------->

D

A snowball's chance in Hell.

Ross: And... Isabella Rossillini.
Chandler: Oho! Very hot, very sexy. But, uh, ya know, she's too international, ya know. She's never gonna be around.
Rachel: So?
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds: Pick somebody who's gonna be in the country, like, all the time.
Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rossillini--geography.

So I spent part of the weekend trying to come up with my "Top 5" lists that a few others have graced us with. And I came to the realization: I can't do it. It's too hard and just not me. My "list" is constantly changing and evolving. Women make the list and are dismissed from it for random reasons: Looked really hot in movie/show or came off as brilliant in an interview or maybe she turned out to be trailor trash or would lose to my dog in a battle of wits. So it's kind of a spur-of-the-moment type thing.

But I'm running with a top 3 right now that I picked over the weekend. And these could change by next weekend (and probably will). But I can always justify sleeping with a celebrity not on my list with "Oh come on! It was (insert famous, hot chick name)! When the hell would I have the opportunity to sleep with her again?????? I mean, what are the odds? Based on numbers alone I had to."

Contestant # 1 comes to us from a little television show called "7th Heaven" and such feature films as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Blade: Trinity. She's always been on my list pretty much, but seeing Blade: Trinity this weekend reminded me of why. I mean her first scene in the subway when she throws off the smock to "go to work", I'm not gonna lie; I got turned on. A lot. Here she is, Contestant # 1: Jessica Biel

Contestant # B commandeered a spot on the list by appearing as the tight-outfit wearing, Werewolf hunting bad ass Selene in 2003's Underworld. Then she made sure I would notice her again in the "I'm still not 100% sure if I liked it or not" Van Helsing. I got no other reason right now than she's friggin' hot! Without further ado, here's Contestant # B: Kate Beckinsale

Oh man. My naughty parts are on fire. But I must finish!

Contestant # Trois (as in menage?) rounds out the running list. She comes to us from the University of Arizona where she won the NCAA Women’s College World Series, holds NCAA record for consecutive wins (60), and was a member of the 2004 Olympic Gold Medal Softball Team. She's also the reason that men are now giving a passing glance at Women's Softball and wondering why there's no chicks that look like # Trois playing softball in their county Rec League. And she was on the July 11th cover of Sports Illustrated. Sports fans (and everyone else), your Contestant # Trois: Jenny Finch

Ahhhhhh. There we go. My current "List". It is in no way, shape or form laminated. 'Cause it may change by tomorrow. There's no telling. But I may update it from time to time for you guys. But I'm spent right now and I think I'll leave you with a preview of my next column (hopefully):

D's Personal Ad.

I'm sure you're all tingling with anticipation. Me, I'm just tingling.

D

"Me Grimlock no bozo, me king!"

**Edited and touched up for your reading pleasure**


Scott wrote a little preview of what was to come in a future entry. Said preview stirred up many fond memories and re-awakened my inner child. "Re-awakened" isn't the most accurate term. The kid was really only about 10 minutes into his afternoon nap.

In the comments section I listed off a few of my most favorite things, everything from the Sit & Spin to Lite Brite. The 80's had the best toys and cartoons. Stuff that makes the ones we have now look like shit. To me anyways. But of all that the 80's offered, there was nothing that could compare to the Transformers. When I think of my childhood, I think of Transformers. The cartoon. The movie. The toys!! Hell, even the toothpaste, toothbrush, and everything else they could slap the name on. I had it all.

That was my childhood in its simplest representation. Big ass robots that could turn into other cool shit. In fact, that should be one of the definitions of a Transformer:

Main Entry: trans-form-er
Pronunciation: tran(t)s-‘for-m&r
Function: noun
1. one that transforms; specifically : a device employing the principle of mutual induction to convert variations of current in a primary circuit into variations of voltage and current in a secondary circuit
2. Big ass robots that could turn into other cool shit. (see picture)


















Over the years there have been many Transformers: Generation 1, Generation 2, Beast Wars, Machine Wars, Beast Machines, Transformers Energon, Transformers Armada, and on and on. But for me, Generation 1 was the best. The standard for everything. And of those first Autobots and Decepticons, I had a favorite. My "one and only" if you will. I liked many, but loved one.

Grimlock.

Who didn't love the "King of the Dinobots"? Seriously, who? Tell me and I'm whippin' that ass. Or at least giving them the finger.

Hell, I even named my new car after the big, lovable bozo, I mean King.

With all my passion for the King, you'd think I still had one to play with and another stashed away somewhere for safe keeping. But I don't. I have no friggin' idea where mine went. I think he was a casualty in the great "Toy Holocaust" of '88 that was carried out by my mother. (I apologize if I offend anyone with the use of the phrase "Toy Holocaust"; and vehemently defend my stance that it did indeed happen, despite my mother's claim that the event never took place.) But I am trying to rectify that situation.

OK, in trying to acquire some new pieces of my childhood, I figure there are 3 ways to go about it: Ebay, an actual store, or maybe a comics convention. And anyone who knows me knows that I'll have to buy 2 if possible because I prefer even numbers to odds. That's really just the OCD kicking in. So when I buy toys, I generally like to buy 2 if I can. That way there's 1 to play with and 1 to keep in its packaging. Like the world will end and the most valuable form of currency will be a "Mint In Box" transformable Wolverine, who transforms from the scrappy, feral mutant into a wolf. (Yes they did have these, and you didn't think I'd buy it? You fool.) Anyways, so I'm looking for 2 Grimlocks. In 2005. So you can imagine trying to find this toy from 1985 is not an easy task.

My first and best option is Ebay. And the quality Grimlock figures run around $165. Yeah, an action figure is $165. Pirates and bandits have moved from the high seas and highways to the Internet. Selling toys to dumbasses like me for excessive amounts. By the way, did I mention that I hate Ebay? I hate haggling or waiting to see if I'm outbid (which I have been on everything I've ever tried to get from Ebay), so Ebay is getting moved down the list for now.

Next, we try the actual stores. Maybe the toy aisle in Wal-Mart or Target. Or maybe the specialty stores like a Toys R Us. It's pretty doubtful that I'm gonna find a toy from 1985 hanging in the back of a row of other toys, like some long-forgotten treasure that noone else notices but me. So I'm just hoping they'll do a re-release of Grimlock like they did for Optimus Prime a little while back.











No such luck. In fact, I get pissed even more. What do I see in the stores now? The bastard sons of some meth-head advertising exec. They went and defiled my favorite Transformer.

Grimlock:













NOT Grimlock:












SURE AS FUCK NOT Grimlock:













So that's a swing and a miss for the stores.

Moving on to comics conventions. I missed out on Comic-Con this year (as well as years past and probably future). However, there is still Dragon-Con in Atlanta in September. But, I'll probably have something come up to prevent me from going as usual. But I'm still holding on to some hope that I'll be able to go this year with the Icon. For those who don't know, Cons (short for "convention") are excellent places to pick up anything that has to do with comics, cartoons, sci-fi, etc... So it stands to reason I may be able to pick up a Grimlock and a hefty price while I'm there. If I can make it. That's a big "if".

So. It looks as though I may have to cowboy up and really hit Ebay and try to procure a decent Grimlock. That, or wish upon a star that someone will get me one for my birthday (Sept. 3rd). *Hint hint* *Wink wink* *Nudge nudge* No? Dang. Thanks anyways.


D
(Hoping that a certain Autobot makes an appearance in the upcoming live-action Transformers movie.)

Who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be?

Just re-visiting an old post, but did anyone create their own little country? Just curious.




Winston Churchill? Dr. Doom?

Wanna find out how you would actually run the country if you were in charge? Finally be able to back up the shit you've been talking for years?

Run the country as a perfectly democratic utopia? Or would you rather just seize control and rule with an iron fist?

Well wander on over to Jennifer Government: NationStates and see what it takes to run your own country.

The site describes the sim as:
"Jennifer Government: NationStates is a nation simulation game. You create your own country, fashioned after your own ideals, and care for its people. Either that or you deliberately torture them. It's really up to you."

Of course, the hardest part of running a government is creating the damned name. After that, just choose sides on issues and watch your people and country prosper and grow... or cower in fear and serve your unbending will.

Have at it. It'd kinda be fun to have everyone start a nation and start our own region. "The Region of Blog".

D

Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France.

Ok, it's not that serious. You may have noticed a new addition to the blog. Or probably not. It's over there on the right. Your other right. Down. A little more. There.

Welcome to the "Geek Zone". Well that's the working name until I can think of a better one. Basically, I'm assimilating my other blog into this one. Slowly. Painfully slowly. Like a "special" kid learning quantum physics kind of slow. And I started with what I thought was going to be a simple cut and paste "operation". But I had a bleeder on my hands. I mean I nicked an artery, cut open the intestine and left the scalpel in there after sowing it up. Turns out, not so simple. All is said and done now and the patient is in recovery, but still not exactly the way I would like. But good enough for some out-patient therapy.

Next, I'll be adding the choicest of blog additions from the Longbox over here, and I may place them in the archives or something. It'll be like hunting Easter eggs! Badly written and totally up nobody's alley Easter eggs, but eggs none the less damnit!

Soooooooooo. I got that goin' for me.

D

My actions are not vengeance. No, not vengeance. Punishment.

You should have to have a license to own a pet. Period. And the fee to obtain that license should be a hefty one at that. Period period.

I just spent about 10-12 minutes helping my new neighbor's puppy (a white German Shepherd to boot, so you know I love her already) get re-hydrated and cooled down. He apparently leaves her outside (I have no idea for how long, it could just be for not too long) on a line that's staked in the ground. She does have a dog house with a small bowl for food and water. And that's about it.

It's fucking 90-something degrees and 1000% humidity and she has her line all caught up and wrapped up in some tennis shoes that he may or may not have left out there for her to "play" with. She's so caught up that she can't even get back into her dog house. Which has no more water in it by the way. So as I stand there sweating buckets (and I'm not wearing a fur coat) trying to untangle it, I decide I need scissors. So I go get them, come back, cut the laces and untangle her. I also go get more cold water from the fridge to give her. As I pet her and start to leave she runs after me until her line catches her and she can't go farther. I tell her to go back in her doghouse and that I'd see her later. Then I go back and give Brody a huge hug, some more cold water and make sure that everything is set up for him INSIDE MY APARTMENT before I leave.

I always feel like I'm being the worst parent (yes I'm one of those people) by leaving him inside with the temp around 80 and for about 4-5 hours at a time. But I leave both sets of blinds up, the radio on, plenty of water and some stuff on the floor for him to play with/chew up. I actually feel worse when I see something like what happened to poor, little Kennedy (soooo cute) because I have to leave Brody again instead of staying home to play with him.

Sorry, back to my initial statement. You should have to pay a substantial fee (that would show you are financially stable enough to support said pet) AND pass a written and oral exam as well. With possible home inspections to follow.

I thought about joining the SPCA or becoming an Animal Cop like on Animal Planet, but I'd really end up being The Punisher or The Spectre ( the wrath of God, for the short version) of Animal Police: dishing out the deserved punishment to those who were cruel to animals. It would NOT be pretty.

OK. I'm done for now. I may get all fired up again about it later and add something, but that's that for now.

D

Decisions, decisions.

So I don't know what to do.

I'm pretty sure that I suck at blogging. I'm inconsistent at best. I try a little too hard on some of my jokes or just force them out completely. My content is mostly filler with little of the wit and insight that I am used to having. And I can never seem to find an appropriate picture to put on here in my columns now that it's easier than ever to do so.

And I have a second blog that gets treated even worse than this one. So I suck twice as bad.

So. I'm contemplating giving it up for now. Or scrapping the whole thing and starting over. Or just combining the both of them and putting any freaking random thing that I want to on the blog, regardless of whether people like it. I dunno.

Maybe in the morning I'll have come to a decision. For now, the blogs are in a holding pattern.

D

"Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Jut thought I'd try to throw a little content on here for you guys and girls.

So I finally made it to see Batman Begins this weekend. Wow. That's mostly what I can muster at this point as a description. Wow. It really was pulling mostly from Batman: Year One, and that's what it should have been. A re-telling of the Batman origin and what shaped him to be that way. Not just the standard:
1. Parents died
2. Inherited everything
3. Decided to fight the injustices of Gotham
4. Got rubber nipples

They really got it right this time.

I, of course, did find a few things to nit-pick about. And as a geek, I think that is my right; since non-geeks won't notice that shit. But those really were few and far between.

Hell, even Michael Caine won me over as Alfred. I mean, I was really still holding onto Michael Gough still being Alfred (and he always will be in my mind), but Caine really made the role his own.

I even got used to Christian Bale growling his lines whenever he put the cowl on. But what are you gonna do about that? Batman has to have 2 distinctly different voices (Batman & Bruce Wayne for noobs), otherwise, it'd be just taking a pair of glasses off and expecting noone to recognize you in a different outfit. Ever. Although to me, Kevin Conroy will always be the voice of the Batman. (Check out the trivia in Conroy's link)

Katie Holmes. Katie, Katie, Katie. I think I could have gotten a better performance from a cardboard cutout. And for Christ's sake, she ended up in the Bat-cave too! I was just hoping that was an isolated incident with Vicky Vale in Batman, but noooooooo. Apparently Bruce needs a sign outside the waterfall that says "WARNING! If you can get over this gorge and through the waterfall, or if Alfred lets you in through Wayne Manor, you can access the Bat-cave." Secret headquarters my ass.

Sorry. But if you have a few bucks to spare (depending on regional prices), I highly endorse this product/service/food chain/amusement park.

**********
Free sneak preview of a potential column!!!!

One of the trailers (why are they called trailers when they come before the movie?) was for The Dukes of Hazzard. Am I the only one who's aggravated by this one?

More than likely.

D

"Oscar, why are you so grouchy?" "Because I live in a fucking trash can, bitch!"

Today's show is brought to you by the letters H, N, S and F.
"H" is for "hungover".
"N" is for "never should have stayed at the bar and drank as much as I did".
"S" is for "still kind of drunk and I'm sure everyone at work can tell".
"F" is for "fuck! I am really old!"

I am such a whore for free booze. And everyone knows it too. Dangle that free Jesus Juice in front of me and I'll do just about anything. And after imbibing, I'll probably do whatever it was that I wouldn't do before. They don't call me Liquid Courage for nothing.

So I'm gonna go back to work now. Or try to, at least. It's really gonna be me doing my best "zombie trying to fit in at the office" impression. Me with my glazed over eyes; slack jaw; hunting and pecking at the keyboard; shuffling down the hall moaning; and mumbling something about brains, I mean food.

D

I'll Gladly Pay You Tomorrow For a Computer Today

I need a computer at home.

That's about it. I could be fascinating all 2 of you (seems to be 3 now) with whitty and inspiring tales of fancy with a lot more frequency if I had a 'puter at home. I could hop online, type that shit up and post it on the blog. But the lack of an on-ramp to the Information Super-Highway has severly impeded my progress. And that's derived from the lack of funds. Which is a consequence of having a new car. Which is because I couldn't afford to keep fixing my old one. Which is a result of...nevermind.

So maybe I need to set up a small trust fund for a computer or something. Or just wait until work slows down. Probably #2.

D

Have you ever been karmicly bitch-slapped by a 6 armed goddess?

Life sucks. Ever notice that? No matter how good things are going, there's always got to be something that comes around the corner to knock you on your ass every once in a while. Is it fate? God's will? Destiny (or "density" to George McFly)? Or Karma? I guess maybe Karma. Sounds about as good as anything. I like to call these curious little moments in life "getting a Karmic Bitch-slap". (Patent pending!) This time kiddies, it knocked me down.
Yours truly is swimming in the Singles' Pool again. That's all I have to say on the subject for now. But just figured I'd keep all 2 of you in the loop.

So, I'll get back to y'all when I can. For now, time to wallow.

D

Of course, it could just be the Asian game show in full swing again.